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Thread: Why? Cheated left me for her she lives abroad

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Oct 2018

    Why? Cheated left me for her she lives abroad

    This is long please read I need help to get me through this. Itís been the worst pain I have ever felt and Iím struggling each day :-(

    Have been reading the forums to help me get my head around what has happened. My now ex of 10 years cheated on me and has been for at least 3 months. What makes it worse is that she doesnít live in the U.K. :-( he sees her one or two weekends a month when heís traveling away pursuing his hobby of making it as a darts player.

    I was with my ex for 10 years we didnít live together. He always said he loved me but in the last few months was distant and snapping at me all the time then being really kind his usual self. I asked him if there was a problem he said no he was just tired from work.

    He travels a lot for his darts and goes away a lot at weekends. Not every weekend though but a big chunk. We saw less of each other over the last couple of years and I always supported that and never complained but missed him too as felt he preferred spending time away from me. He also took on a lot of work doing websites for people and transferring old video tapes to didgital formats for uploading. He always made me feel guilty as he had no time for his work and Iíd just accept the little things weíd do together as I loved him and he always said he loved me. Whenever he snapped at me or was cold he would always apologise and make it up to me. It was confusing. He was also always on his phone on Facebook twitter whatís app etc. I am not someone who goes through my OH phone and accepted it and only once did I ask him if he could answer his messages in his own time and not when we are together as it upsets me and makes me feel like he doesnít enjoy my company. We didnít get much time together as he was always so busy and I felt bad asking him about that. It stopped a bit but heíd still do it and then when I arrived he would put his phone down or hide it or answer messages through his iwatch :-(

    Again I asked him if everything was ok with us and again he assured me he loved me and he was just tired thatís all and felt like his life wasnít going anywhere. He then said if I didnít love you why would I buy us tickets for this night out. He had bought tickets to go to a zoo after closing.

    When we went there I got dressed up made an effort and he didnít notice which really hurt :-( I noticed while we were there he hung back and was on his phone heíd then make it look like he was taking pictures but he wasnít :-( I asked him if for one night on a date night he could leave replying to messages till he got home as it was a special night for us. He carried on. Later I found out he was messaging this girl.

    We were due to go on holiday a few weeks later he arrived at my house and was rude to me and snapping at me in front of my dad.

    Iíd bought him a special experience present that we went to before going to our holiday by the coast. In the car up while he was driving he was messaging through his iwatch.

    Our first actual day of the holiday he was in a local
    Competion. Again Iíd dressed up for him he didnít even notice and again it really hurt :-( he told me I was miserable and to stay in. I did but he then text me saying heíd got a train ticket for me and to come and meet him which I did.

    After that he was his usual self. He won the competition but had had a lot to drink. At the train station on the way home he as sat next to me on his phone but because he was drunk he didnít attempt to hide what he was doing I saw the messages and they werenít normal friend messages and the person he was messaging on whatís all was a woman I didnít know :-(

    I was really upset and knew then something was really wrong but because I trusted him I pushed the sick feelings away. In the morning his phone went off I was on the sofa it was in front of me and the words came up on his lock screen Ďand I love youí

    I started crying he woke up and I asked who this person was. He said it was a girl - sheís 13 years younger than him early 20ís. He said she was helping him with PR for his darts in Eastern Europe. He said it was nothing he understood how Iíd feel seeing it and that friends say they love each other all the time.

    I asked if he had feelings for her and if heíd been seeing her he said no. He loved me. He told me she was married and showed me a picture of her.

    He made more of an effort was more affectionate and we continued our holiday. I had a lot of tears many days sobbing my heart out I was very confused and although I trusted him I still felt in my gut there was more to it. He would hug me amd hold me.

    He continued reassuring me.

    I asked him to show me her messages he had deleted them :-( he deleted her from Facebook in front of me. I later found out the same night she asked why he said it was a mistake and added her back on :-(

    I felt bad and decided to make a little scrapbook of his tournaments heíd given me dates he was away so I went on a website to get the tournament names so I could fill in his progress at each tournament as a keep sake. Thatís when I knew he was lying one particular tournament didnít exist there wasnít one. He told me it was the website so I said Iím really worried he said he understood as he knows seeing that text with and I love you from her had really hurt me but it was just a mistake on the website. He then said I do so well then one small minor thing sets me in a panic and I fall to pieces again which is his fault but it needs to stop as he felt bad enough.

    I knew something was wrong now and I knew heíd never tell me so I did the stupidest thing ever which I am truly ashamed of and looked for her on Facebook. Heíd said she was married and yes she had been but the last photos of her and her husband were in 2016.

    I found her husband on Facebook and messaged him apologising for asking this but is he still in a relationship with this woman. He asked me why and I explained I loved my boyfriend very much but Iíve seen him messaging your wife and I think they may be seeing each other. He asked his name.

    Next thing his ex wife contacted me saying she did have a boyfriend in the U.K. She lives in Eastern Europe 3 and a half hours away by plane. She had been seeing him 3 months and he was single. She told me his name it was my boyfriend. She sent me screenshots of messages heíd sent her photos heíd sent her and my heart broke. I found out heís bought her over to the U.K. taken her to special places we went to. We went to see a film after we saw it he messaged her saying heíd seen a trailer and wanted to take her to see this film :-( messages he sent me that weíre loving would be sent to her minus the I love yous on my messages and the xxxxx at the end :-( it confused me so much why would he do that :-( he also told her he was single :-(

    She told me he was a scum a liar and a cheat and she would never be with someone who was taken.

    I confronted him saying Iíd been speaking to her needless to say he was shocked and said he was scum and didnít deserve to be with anyone and couldnít be with anyone.

    I thought it was a mistake a one off so I said Iíd forgive him we could work on things get counselling he agreed.

    He told me he couldnít fix it he felt so guilty and didnít know what to do that he couldnít be with anyone :-( she then sent me a message saying she loved him he was everything to her made her feel special and she was listening to her Heart and not her head and was going to fight for him after all. She then blocked me on whatís app. As you can imagine knowing she was fighting for him made me feel sick what chance did I have :-(

    We continued seeing each other one night he came round hysterical sobbing his heart out I went to leave and he said donít go he wanted to fight for us.

    Little did I know he was still attempting to make things right with her :-(

    He told me he didnít want to lose me he couldnít not have me in his life and that he loved me and still wanted to see me. However he was still committing to seeing her - they had things booked up together until early January :-(

    It broke my heart seeing him I felt sick I cried I couldnít function as I knew heíd chosen her but he wouldnít come out and say it. He couldnít tell me what Iíd done wrong for him to do this he would just say he couldnít talk about it he then said sheís really nice and she understands that we will still be a part of each otherís lives and see each other :-( Iíd asked him to cut all contact with her to help us with fighting for our relationship and he wouldnít do it nor would he show me her recent messages as he couldnít do it despite saying he would reassure me to help us.

    It all got too much and I broke down completely I didnít shout at him I havenít called him names blamed him I blame myself I feel like Iím worthless as he was still saying he loved me but how could he? I forgave him was prepared to fight and get through it together and he rejected me again and continued to see and speak to her :-( it hurt so much.

    The last time I saw him was a week ago weíd agreed to meet up to try and be friendly with each other as he didnít want to lose me in his life. I was sobbing my heart out and asked him again to fight he said he didnít know what he wanted and that sheís still about even if he stayed with me but I said he doesnít have to talk to her just be civil itís his choice he doesnít have to sleep with her etc just because he had made plans with her before I found out :-(

    He said it wasnít easy for him he hates himself and cannot cope and seeing me upset wasnít helping him it was making it worse. He still couldnt tell me heíd chosen to be with her over me he wouldnít even say it nor would he tell me what Iíd done wrong :-( he said everytime he sees me hurting it puts us back to square 1 that I canít expect him to come back overnight :-( that I need to be patient be my old self and keep seeing each other as we get on so well as have been together so long :-( I felt like he was fobbing me off that he wants to see how it goes with her before deciding what he was going to do :-(

    He told me he needed to sort his head out and seeing me hurt and crying wonít help that and I said but how can seeing her and sleeping with her still sort your head out :-( she lives a long way away their relationship is talking on the phone whatís app seeing each other 2 weekends a month at competitions and thatís it itís not real life :-(

    I felt like he wants her for the sex and easy life and me for during the week and the weekends he doesnít see her so he doesnít lose what he likes with me either :-( I hated myself so much as I felt like how can he really expect that of me and is that all I am worth :-( itís messed my head up I have no self esteem no confidence and I struggle every single day :-( I started a new job the day after I found out he had betrayed me and cheated on me :-(

    I was sobbing my heart out and he went mental he got really angry told me to F off F you and then on the motorway said he was going to speed the car up and go into the back of the car in front. He did this but slammed the brakes on at the last minute it scared the hell out of me.

    I was shaking all the way home and stopped making crying noises for fear of upsetting him or making him angry. Iíve never seen him this way before :-(

    When we got to my house he said come here and was his normal self I walked away and he screamed at me again sped off and shouted f you Iím going to die bin all my stuff youíll never see or hear from me again :-(

    I havenít seen or attempted to contact him since and when this happened I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders but today has been an awful day I have had panic attacks I feel worthless I donít understand what Iíve done and how he could hate me so much to hurt me the way he has. No one knows what heís done he hasnít told friends he didnít tell his family I told his mum when she asked why they havenít seen me. Sheís tried talking to him about it but he wonít talk about it. Thatís him he never talks about things on his mind he bottles things up or does more to not have to think about it :-(

    My heart is broken I loved him so much I feel
    Sick all the time I canít fucntion and I donít know what I did wrong :-(

    I miss him as well and I know I shouldnít do but I do. I just donít understand how I didnít see this coming. He never gave any signs until the end but I asked him if he was ok if we were ok and he always said yes.

    I just donít know what to do how will trust anyone again? I donít think I can and I just want it to go away so I donít feel this way anymore :-(

  2. #2

    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    I also worried that if I didnít stay in contact with him or keep seeing him even as friends he would forget everything about us and me and never come back. I love him and I miss him and I donít know what Iíve done or what to do. Everyday is so hard I feel empty and worthless as if I was worth anything at all he wouldnít have done what he did to me. He even took me on holiday still despite the fact he was cheating on me :-( I asked him why he took me on holiday still he said it was because he wanted to. Even last Saturday he was still sending me texts and saying I love you in texts and over the phone I donít understand how he can do that but still see her :-(

    Can anybody offer an my advice

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    He was also telling me how much he misses me that everything reminds him of me and he feels empty. He also said he may come back as he loves me but needs to sort his head out and it wonít happen straight away :-( how can he sort his head out while heís still speaking to her every night on whatís all via calls and texts and this week they are at a competition together in the U.K. :-( she has her hotel room he has his irs so strange why pretend youíre not together :-(

    Itís all confusing me so much Iím not sleeping my old eating disorder from my teens has come back and I canít compete with a woman in her early 20ís :-(

    Iíve had a good year I made more of an effort lost weight changed jobs showed him I was someone worth being with and the worst part of it all is she is a bigger girl and now I feel confused as I was a bigger girl before like her and am now a size 12 and I feel like if I hadnít lost weight maybe heíd still be with me :-(

    I donít understand it all :-( it hurts so much

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Wilds of Texas
    I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Finding out that you've been betrayed like that isn't just painful, but completely disorienting.
    So I hope I can shed some light on some of the questions spinning in your head.

    The thing about cheaters and unfortunately that's who your bf is, is that they are 10000% self centered. It's not about you, who you are, what you can and cannot do for him, etc, etc, etc. It is NOT your fault in any way shape or form that he cheated. That is all on him and his selfishness, ego, complete lack of morals and values, etc. This isn't about the other woman either. Obviously, she doesn't have any morals either, but hey, water seeks its own level.

    If your bf was even a little decent, he could have ended things with you before he engaged with someone else, supposing that your relationship has lost its attraction. However, for cheaters, it's not how this works. They want to have their cake and eat it too. They want to have you and they want the high of lying, sneaking around, etc. Cheaters are incredibly messed up people. You can't fix them, you can't change them, you should get away as far and as fast as you can from them.

    The way he behaved when he got busted, the threats, the anger - it's a bit like a toddler having a tantrum. They won't accept responsibility or face reality, they'd rather lash out and blame you - alleviates their guilt, assuming they have any, or more like their frustration that their cozy exciting arrangement is busted.

    OP, unless he goes to counseling and works hard on his issues and what drove him to act out the way that he has, do not ever even contemplate letting this low life back into your life. You are a lovely woman who deserves better than that. You didn't cause this and it's on him to either fix himself or get lost. Head high.


  6. #5

    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    Thank you dancing fool for your reply.

    I said about counselling what they suggest to help but he didnít really listen.

    It is very hard very confusing. I asked him why her he said sheís not here sheís not close by he doesnít have to commit as sheís so far away. He said heís not happy and doesnít know what he wants but I donít understand how 2 and a half months seeing someone a handful of times was enough for him to throw away our 10 years together itís like it meant nothing to him that nothing we did made him think Iíll fight to make it work.

    He said that was what he wanted but he still couldnít cut ties with this girl. We are both in our late 30ís she is 13 and 1/2 years younger than him.

    I could understand it more if she lived close by if she lived in the U.K. but she doesnít she lives 3 and a half hours away by plane. I donít get what it is she has that makes him want to throw away someone who was good to him that he said he loved and still said he loved last week when I last saw him :-(

    I dont understand at all and itís so confusing so hurtful and I feel ashamed. I used to love going for long walks now I avoid places I walked as a lot of the time he came with me so it reminds me of him and makes me feel sick and tearful.

    I canít watch certain tv shows or films because again it was things we watched together.

    Why canít I hate him? Why canít I do that? Why do I blame myself and feel like itís sometbinf I did wrong. He said it wasnít me but then he canít tell me why he did it so I have no closure no understanding. He canít even tell me he chose her over me he wonít even admit that he just said he couldnít cope with seeing me so upset it was making him feel bad :-(

    I said why didnít you dump me or leave me if you werenít happy and thatís why you pretended to be single and had an affair? He couldnít answer that either :-( I feel like heís getting some kick out of all this I donít know :-(

    I know when I found out about the weekend of darts which didnít exist that he was actually going to see her over night in her home country. This was 2 weeks after I found out he had been lying and had been seeing this girl
    Physically and emotionally.

    I begged him not to go he told me he wasnít going but he went and I asked why and he said I hadnít heard from you so didnt know if you were still here for me or not and I couldnít be at home because it reminded him of me and what heíd done so he went to her :-( I couldnít talk to him when I knew he wasnít cutting ties with her I had to NC for my own sake yet he threw that back in my face as the reason he went to see her :-(

    I also donít understand how she can even be with him he lied to her too when we were on holiday she couldnít understand why he wasnít ringing her every night and during the day and he told her he was working to which she asked but you ring me at work so whatís different? :-( I know this as she told me and she took great delight in telling me that he messaged her constantly she sent me photos of her and him together on days out she also sent me selfies of him heíd sent her and pictures from his work parties the same pictures heíd send me first then send to her :-(

    Special places happy memories places he and I shared he took her to when she came to the U.K. and he was lying to me saying he had to work or he was out at local league Darts. I feel like the times he took me to these places werenít good enough so he took her there to get a better memory I donít know but it hurt so much :-(

    I donít get why he would say he wanted to save our relationship he was hysterical and in tears yet he went back to her :-(

    I donít know what I did to him I feel he mustíve really hated me to do this :-(

    I also feel like I was second best that he was using me telling me he loved me to keep me around incase it didnít work out with her I really donít know.

    Iíve never known pain like it. When he started focusing on his dreams and ambitions by trying to make it on the darts circuit I stuck by him I hardly saw him but I loved him and when you love someone you support them with what they do. I missed him when he went away I didnít decide to go and cheat on him because I missed his company I donít understand how he could do this to me.

    Now I wonder back to other times when he was moody with me or snapping at me whether heís done this before and I never knew?

    I wonder if heís having some almost mid life crisis and whether he will come back.

    I know heís someone who doesnít like people thinking bad of him hence why heís told no one not even his close friends what heís done and I feel like maybe heís stayed with her to not let her be upset and feels like he owes it to her but if thatís the case why hasnít he done that with me so again I beat myself up thinking Iím not good enough somehow :-(

    Itís so horrible I wouldnít ever wish the pain of being cheated on on anyone. I could take being dumped but thatís different you feel the loss but at least you have your dignity still. Being cheated on turns your world upside down you lose your self esteem you lose confidence you donít know who you are anymore you donít trust people youíre scared youíll never find love again youíre scared that youíll meet someone and because of what youíve been through they will suffer the brunt of it as you wonít trust them and will give them grief over what someone else has done to you. Why should someone else not have your trust because of anotherís actions :-(

    You also donít sleep I have horrific nightmares but never remember what they are about I just wake up heart racing and with night sweats things I never had before what he did.

    He ruined our holiday where we went was special to me Iíve been going there since I was a small child it was always the safe place if that makes sense? Now the thought of going back there makes me sick as thatís when I first found out about her although at that point I didnít know he had cheated :-( he carried on as normal after that first text I saw we went to places he was kind his normal self he held me when I cried he went out of his way to reassure me he told me he loved me why did he do that? He canít have meant it it mustíve all been an act :-( I also beat myself up wondering why didnít he come clean then? Why did he continue to lie to me when he clearly didnít want to be with me as he cheated :-( none of it makes sense and he wouldnít tell me anything to give me any closure or understanding he just kept confusing me and hurting me and telling me he loved me and there was a chance weíd get back together as he loved me but it couldnít be right away as he needed to sort his head out :-(

    I donít know what parts of what he told me were true and what werenít as he was such a good liar :-(

    How can anyone be that cruel?

    When will this get better for me? When will I have a day where what he did doesnít enter my thoughts. I keep busy I do what I can but itís always there and my day right now is spent trying to get through the day and make it to bedtime.

    This isnít me I feel like Iíve lost myself :-(

    Friends have been great and doing their best but I feel like Iím just not there :-(

    I want it to go away. I think does he miss me does he feel anything can he not see how this relationship heís in may not work that it was built on a lie that he doesnít really know her itís words on a phone itís a phone call itís limited physical time due to distance heís not seeing the real person heís not seeing her daily living with her etc :-(

    She told me 2 weeks into their relationship that he said he wanted to book an apartment with her to see if they can live together as he wants to move in with her in a year as heís never felt like this about anyone ever before :-(

    Am I going mad here thinking this is a bit weird? You canít say that to someone after knowing them 2 weeks :-(

    It kills me inside knowing heís with her I feel so lost and donít know what I did wrong :-( why am I going through this hell right now yet heís fine heís functioning going out doing his darts seeing her as well how can he be ok and carry on as if nothing has happened yet I can barely get though each day I feel ashamed :-( like itís all my fault

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Wilds of Texas
    My heart really breaks for you. Please please don't feel ashamed. If there is one person who should be ashamed, it's him. Trouble with cheaters is that they are indeed cruel - too selfish to care what they do to others as long as it pleases them. They are also users.

    Try not to think about how he is off with her and it's all pink bunnies and fluffy clouds. I promise you it doesn't work like that. He is messed up and so is she. Water seeks it's own level and their age difference...honestly kind of gross. They'll never be able to trust each other and that alone will eat them alive. Plus she is very young and so for that reason alone this thing won't last. Plus neither one of them have any morals. Let's just say that the Karma bus is heading their way.

    Do be kind to yourself. Go do things that make you happy. Don't just sit with your pain and despair. Talk to friends, make new friends. Go to new places. Create a happy life and memories without him. Yes, there will be triggers that remind you, but with time.....it fades and life slowly returns to normal. You cannot allow this loser to damage you for life...just on principle. You are stronger than that. Your greatest revenge is really to heal, move on and have a happy life. Something that he will not have. He isn't happy so he cheats? I swear they all share the same handbook and read these lines out of it. The bottom line is that he is one messed up puppy, but since he won't admit it and would rather run away, you let him go on his way and lock and bar the door behind him.

    What you are feeling in waves is normal. The triggers are normal. Just trust that with time, anger will come and then....just meh. You won't care anymore.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    United States
    My heart breaks for you as well. So much so that I couldn't even find the words to say to help or comfort you.

    DancingFool pretty much covered it. I'm sorry you're so hurt, Just know that as painful as this is , it will start to fade, and you will feel better. It's a long road. Be kind to yourself, cry, vent, write, do whatever you need to. We've all been there. The pain, the humiliation, the broken trust, don't let it prevent you from finding and making happiness for yourself in life once you process and work through the grief you feel. Hugs to you xxxxxxxxxxxx

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    So, so very sorry for your pain.

    Keep reading what DancingFool wrote. Hard as it is to understand, this has nothing to do with youónothingóand that's why you need to get out: to protect yourself, and your self worth. To build that back up, rather than looking to him to fill it. The more you do that, the more you'll just spin around in the same place.

    This is a damaged man, plain and simple. Liar that he is, believe him when he tells you he hates himself. Because what he's doing is basically trying to destroy himself, bringing true his worst ideas about himself, but in a backwards way where he also seeks the high and never has to fully be accountable for those worst ideas, where they come from, and the hurt they can inflict. It's selfish, self-sabotaging, a gigantic knot. He can spin around in it for years, forever. It's up to him to either figure out or not, and right now he is nowhere near that.

    I cheated on someone when I was 27. I was a damaged man, plain and simple. I hated a lot of pieces of myself, pieces I didn't understand. I was not a monster, but I was selfish, lost, and dangerous. My actions had nothing to do with my feelings for my gf, who I cared about immensely, found immensely attractive, all that. But I did not respect myself, and so was incapable of respecting anyone. I'm a reflective person, always trying to become better. I got help, focused on understanding what happened, taking responsibility, spending a long, long time in therapy. That was 12 years ago. I have not cheated since then. I'm a different person now, from facing all that and continuing to face it.

    A year and half ago my girlfriend of three years started cheating on me. Multiple partners. Finding ways to blame me, make me feel like everything was my fault. It hurtóand, I mean, it HURTóbut maybe from where I'd been I knew it wasn't about me. It wasn't the shape of my body, wasn't about how much money I have, wasn't about my intelligence, wasn't about the ways I came up short in the relationship. No, it was her own damage inflicting pain on me, her lack of respect for herself being weaponized. There was nothing to do but get out, away from the danger, and that's what I did.

    I don't hate her, in my mind, because how could I? I'd been in her shoes, so it would mean hating myself, and in general, and in romance, I don't believe anything productive comes from holding onto hate. I hope she's doing well, doing better, though to be honest I don't think about her too much. She's not really my business, you know? She's a damaged person whom I loved and who hurt meóit's not mysterious.

    And the reason I'm not full of insanity about it is because she's out of my life, because I KNEW it was not about me. Once you know that, you can allow yourself to go through the process of just feeling the pain and hurt. Not fun, that, at all. But I assure you that after that there is real light on the horizon.

    This guy, right now, is just more darkness. Like, pure darkness. That should be your only focus right now, the hard fact you land back on in the spins. Eventually that becomes the only thought, and it's no longer a mystery, and that's when he'll start to leave your mind.

    Again, I'm sorry for your pain.

  10. #9

    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    Thank you so much dancing fool.

    What you said about waves is so true it does feel like that one day is fine in fact since the anger incident in his car Iíve been fine but today it just hit me again and overwhelmed me.

    Yesterday had a meeting with other managers in my new job - Iíve been there 3 weeks and my area manager asked to speak to me afterwards and told me of a store mamanger vacancy and that I should apply. Iím currently grade 3 so this is the next step up and it was a huge boost confidence wise but then it triggered off the doubt over my ex somehow. Why do others see potential and good things in me but he didnít.

    Iím not an idiot Iím an intelligent woman so I know I shouldnít be blaming myself for what happened but I do :-( it really does hurt so so much and I just pray for the day I wake up and it isnít there anymore.

    I know time heals all wounds but it doesnít seem that way when youíre going through betrayal being lied to and cheated on and hurt.

    Iíll never understand that and I wish I could hate him I wish I could be angry shout at him but thatís not me and I wonít lower myself to that.

    I know she screamed at him when she confronted him about lying to her too. And he went running back to her. They are alike though both havenít told close friends about their situation he hasnít told his friends heís not with me anymore and that he cheated on me and she didnít tell her friends her new boyfriend was in a relationship for 10 years and lied to her and said he was single..... Iím wondering what theyíd say to her about that one!

    Itís bizzare and as I said earlier the distance is massive he lives in U.K. she lives near Bulgaria. They see each only when theyíre at the same darts competions where they share the same hotel if no one he knows that knows me will be there and in the U.K. he lets his sponsor book him a hotel which he stays in but she has her hotel somewhere else he sneaks off there but comes back to his hotel room to save face.... that makes no sense to me why hide it heís not with me anymore so why pretend heís not seeing her :-( again it makes no sense it confuses the hell out of me and again causes more hurt :-(

    He said sheís not here it makes it easier but eventually she will want more she will want to move here on him to move there I know he wonít do that I may not have known he was a cheater but I know him I know he canít commit in that way and he couldnít afford to and he is someone who likes his own space but also cannot be alone if that makes sense? He wants both.

    I donít know. Feel lost by the whole thing. I feel like 10 years I never knew him how much of it was lies? When someone says I love you to me later on down the line will I ever believe it? He said it and he didnít mean it he couldnít have done as he cheated :-(

    I have blocked him since the car incident last sat. He canít contact me and I wonít be contacting him again I donít want to.

    I love him still and I miss him still but the thought of seeing him or speaking to him again fills me with dread and hurt.

    My heart goes out to anyone whoís been through what I am right now or is going through what I am right now. The pain is immense it affects every part of you and your day to day life and all because someone did not have any respect or concern for you or your feelings when they decided to cross that line and cheat :-(

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Wilds of Texas
    As odd as it may sound, if he didn't value you, he would have dumped you and moved on. Instead he wanted his cake and to eat it too. He wanted you to carry on being his stable life, he wanted to eff around on the side because he is himself effed up. Even choosing to cheat with someone so far away is both convenient and self sabotaging. Convenient in that he was less likely to get caught. Self sabotaging because....well...distance. This isn't likely to ever become real or work out for them. Basically, it wasn't that he doesn't value you, it's simply for the thrill of it, plus he didn't think he'd get caught.

    As for the effed up part...well....bluecastle gave you some good insight into that. The internal self loathing, insecurities and ultimately not facing his issues. When you suggested therapy, he ran away. NOT from you, but from himself, from his guilt, self loathing, etc. He took the path of least resistance, which alone says a lot and none of it good about him.

    As for you, you really are dealing with a double hit - dealing with the end of such a long term relationship and betrayal on top of that. I'm so proud of you that you blocked him. That alone says that you have your head screwed on straight and you'll be OK. You aren't alone either. We are here for you. Hugs.

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