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Thread: Why? Cheated left me for her she lives abroad

  1. #11

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    Thank you blue castle and sweet girl for your replies.

    I was responding to a previous post when your replies came in and didnít see them until Iíd sent the reply initially.

    Blue castle about a month before the cheating started he was away and he rang me fed up saying what was he doing going away all the time when what mattered to him most was at home - me.

    Maybe that was a lie who knows :-(

    He was down around about the time this happened he had been for a good few months maybe even a year looking back at it. Heís not a talker so Iíd ask him what was wrong and he would never open up heís always been this way. Prob didnít help in our relationship in hindsight :-(

    He would have moody moments and say things like heíd wasted his life he hadnít achieved anything he hadnít used his degree etc etc.

    Not finding an excuse for what he did but as I said in my first post I wondered if heíd had some sort of mid life crisis I donít know.

    I know he has low self esteem. He acts like mr nice guy mr confident and can charm the pants off anyone and as I now know heís the best liar ever. Iíve seen the messages he sent this girl she sent them to me of her own free will - think she enjoyed hurting me I donít know but it seemed that way at the time rubbing it in my face how much he liked her :-( the messages he sent her were proper charm - youíre my angel youíre my princess Iíve never felt like this about anyone before etc etc it was all charm charm charm so I can see why she has fallen so hard for him but at the same time itís words on a screen sent to someone who lives a long way away whoís not face to face. Maybe he meant it I donít know maybe he genuinely means what he said to her but after 2 weeks saying that to someone isnít right to me but thatís just my opinion.

    I donít know why he stayed with her and rejected me despite saying he would fight that he loved me didnít want to lose me that he missed me that itís hard not seeing me anymore as I was a big part of his life but to expect me to still see him carry on exactly as before while heís not seeing her made me feel like poop :-( I felt ashamed hurt like I was second best I also felt scared that if I didnít do this heíd forget me and heíd stay with her :-( I also am ashamed to say I did still try to see him and put a happy face on so he could see what he was missing etc but it was too much for me. Iíd see him and feel sick Iíd feel love hit hurt Iíd feel rejection Iíd feel like I wasnít good enough and I canít hide silent tears and if he saw me like that he didnít like it as he couldnít cope with seeing me upset as it made him feel bad :-( then Iíd get the I donít know what I want you think Iím happy but Iím not Iím dying inside conversation and then the I love you but right now I need to sort myself out and seeing you upset means itíll be longer before I can come back and you canít expect us to be together again overnight :/( when he said that it would kill me inside as Iíd think why can you see her why is seeing her not messing your head up and making it harder for you :-( why did you chose her over me when you say you love me but never said that to her :-(

    It was more hurt over and over again and Iíd keep coming back and then the last time I saw him it was just too much and I knew I had to go for good and never see him again and as much as I loved him and missed him and couldíve forgiven him I canít do that after he stayed with her and was continuing to see her and not fight for us like he said :-(

    Iíve read enough on here to know that if thereís any chance there needs to be genuine remorse and contact cut with the OW which he could not do. I also felt frightened that by going for good he wouldnít even come back but I couldnít put myself through it anymore I hurt enough each day as it is from what he did without giving myself more hurt by seeing him :-(

    That was when he flipped at me by screaming at me and scaring me in his car on a motorway by speeding up and threatening to smash into the car in front and slammed the breaks on.

    Iíve never seen him ever like this he was always a quiet kind soppy person he wasnít someone who I didnít feel safe around or who I thought would ever hurt me in any way at all :-( yet he has he cheated on me and because I was crying and he couldnít cope with seeing me upset he went mental at me and put both me and him at risk with what he did in the car.

    It sacred the hell out of me :-(

    I didnít sleep that night I was shaken up but also calm and felt stronger as I knew Iíd made the right decision but by the next morning Iím thinking again he must hate me so much to try and scare me for being upset as Iím hurting :-(

    Even now I think I did something wrong for him to do that in the car :-(

    I donít know his whole behaviour isnít right right now this isnít the person I loved heís like a stranger and then I feel like I wasted 10 years of my life on someone who never cared as if he cared at all he would never have done this to me :-(

    Itís so hard i wish I didnít feel like this every day itís awful :-(

  2. #12

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    Another thing I am proud of after all this is that I have spent since January training for a walk marathon to raise money for charity. We had signed up for it together and as you can imagine when all this happened the thought of doing that walk made me feel sick to my stomach as it was a goal I had worked for for a good part of this year.

    It was supposed to be a challenge and to help raise money for cancer as well as for me and him a chance to do something we would never have done before together it was like a Fresh start so after what he did to me I couldnít bare to do it but with the support of my friends I went and I did it! I walked 26.2 miles around London over night and raised over £1100 for bowel cancer. It was hard mentally and physically as all marathons are and it was hard mentally and emotionally for what I was going through.

    I cried a lot during the walk and when I got over the finish line in just over 8 hours I cried my eyes out I felt like I could be ok again one day that no matter what I was going through I could still keep going. I cried for him for what we had I cried for what he did and I cried for the person I never really knew.

    It wasnít the way I had thought it would be how I dreamt it would be but I am proud of myself none the less and I am doing it again next year with my friends too to give me something to focus on thatís positive and Iím sure Iíll cry again when I cross the finish line but it will be for the fact I did it rather than over him.

    My training isnít happening right now it still brings back painful memories but Iíve see myself a date to start again and I will make sure I do when it comes up.

    I want to raise more money for cancer Research next year and will focus of doing something good to help others who are going through far more than I am right now.

    He lost a good kind decent person with a big heart. It hurts so so much and I just hope Iíll be ok and not feel this pain everyday forever.

    This forum helped me so much I wish Iíd found it sooner Iíve lurked until today but I needed to reach out today I needed support and advice as it was getting too much. If I hadnít seen this forum I would still be being a doormat and texting him ringing him seeing him I wouldnít have had the courage to press the block contact button on my phone.


    Thank you all again for your kind words of support I feel like there is hope it seems a long way away but I feel there is hope in the future for me and that what Iím feeling is normal I thought I was wrong for not feeling angry now I know itís ok to cry and let it out and in time the tears will become less frequent

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You know what? That marathon was quite a feat and an accomplishment and if you think about it, you made it YOURS. You owned it. It stopped being about him, it's all yours. Your life, your experience and hey, you conquered it, tears and all, and you helped others through it. Keep going!

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Even in this most painful moment, it seems you're finding some clarity.

    That self-esteem stuffóthat's real. The charm you're talking about? That's his way of coping with his low self-esteem. Coping, remember, is that opposite of really dealing, which is why it's so dangerous. Someone who copes with charm can end up cheating, just as someone who copes with booze can end up a drunkóhence the classic "drunk cheater" stereotype out there. It exists for a reason.

    The car incident is frightening, yes, but it's really just more of the same stuff. In his dark mind, he's in a corner. The thing he can't deal withóhimselfóis right there in front of him. Charm won't work. In fact, nothing will work. He's done too much, caused too much pain. His charade is up. So he yells and drives fast and makes threatsóthat, please know, is just more selfishness. Instead of just acknowledging your pain, he's making himself the star of the show, the dark soul who needs help, who can't control himself. It's pathetic. It's just another reason to stay away.

    You say he is lost with a big heart. I believe you, and I may get flack for this, especially with what I've put out there about my own past pathetic choices, but I think that's a good thing.

    Why? It speaks volumes for YOUR heart, how BIG it is, regardless of the size of his and his severe limitations and flaws as human being. And you know what? THAT is real, that heart of yoursówas real these past 10 years, was real before him, will be real after. YOUR heart. Your pain right now is a reminder of that thing, its complexity, its beauty, its fragility. It's asking you to do the thing he cannot, to cherish it and protect it.

    Listen to it.

    We're here. Big hugs from the other side of the ocean.

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  6. #15

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    Thank you all again for your support it means a lot.

    Itís a tough time right now so tough. Tonight an example canít sleep been up since 4 am yesterday for work my work is physical so involves a lot of being on my feet heavy lifting etc and helps because I can switch off but has also been notice by my line manager that I throw myself into something but donít focus or manage the team and see what theyíre doing. As Iím on probation as itís a new job I had to explain to my line manager which was humiliating that the reason I throw myself into something and appear to be focusing on that alone is because 3 weeks and 4 days ago I found out my OH of 10 years has been cheating on me and to top it all off she lives near Bulgaria is 23 years old so is in fact 14 years younger than him not 13 like I thought and not only that heís still seeing her despite saying he loved me and didnít want to lose me and wanted to fight for our relationship. And to add further insult to injury I found out on holiday and he lied about the full extent and I believed him only to find out the truth the day before I started working for you.

    I expected the donít bring your problems into work youíre a manager you lead by example and instead they said how are you even working to the standard you are with all that going on and it shows how strong you are.

    I donít think that helped me today either as again when someone says something nice about me it reminds me again of what he did and why canít he see what others see in me why canít he see those good things why did he cheat and hurt me so much and it sets it all off again.

    I havenít been looking after myself at all since finding he has been cheating and lying, Iíd gone from being physically fit walking 25km everyday, I was positive with aspirations for my and our future I was eating well had more self confidence got a new job to having it all get turned upside down. Now I barely sleep I have nightmares cold sweats at night I donít eat I had bulimia in my teens that reared Itís ugly heard again as a way of coping with what has happened - something I am fighting everyday as itís awful and I hate it but canít stop right now and all because of what he did and thatís what Iím struggling with :/(

    Why canít I hate him why am I beating myself up blaming myself every day feeling like Iím not good enough that Iím worthless in some way that I mean so little to someone that they can do this :-( I wish heíd left me I donít know why he didnít. If heíd left me Iíd be ok it wouldíve hurt but I wouldnít have gone through this.

    This will affect me for many years itíll affect future relationships it will affect my own confidence I get panic attacks now as well which is totally bonkers why am I getting panic attacks?!?!? I also canít look people in the eye if men are nice to me or look at me in a good way I donít know why they are doing it and I donít like it and feel self conscious. Iíve avoided going out seeing friends I donít want anyone near me as I feel embarrassed and ashamed and itís just so painful why am I like this?

    If I could hate him or feel angry would it not be this way? I donít know at all.

    I just donít get how he carries on as normal feeling nothing going about his day like nothing has happened and I know I will need counselling to get through this :-(

    We were supposed to see the counting crows this month I love that band they rarely come to the U.K. now I wonít be going he has the tickets and I donít want to contact him I canít speak to him or see him again yet at the same time I miss him and want things back how they were before he met her. How does that work why does your brain do this to you? Does that make sense?

    Will it always be like this?

    Just want the pain to go the emptiness to go he still has so much of my stuff things from our holiday. We painted pottery I climbed a lighthouse with him souvenirs etc as well as my personal things Iíd left at his house but I canít have them back as they remind me of what has happened :-(

    Itís just so hard. I was crying walking home from work today out of nowhere. Iíve had to get picked up by friends as well when I canít face walking to the shops or walking to the train station. I just feel ashamed of myself that I did something wrong for him to do it and I know itís stupid I know that deep down but I still feel that way itís so silly

  7. #16

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    Thatís what doesnít help and makes the pain worse.

    Not just the cheating but the lies. Why say you love someone? He was saying it up till last Saturday :-( why do that if you donít mean it? Does he not see how confusing and hurtful that is?

    To me itís black or white if you love someone you fight you forgive you work on things you give it a final go you have counselling you try your best and if at the end of it it still doesnít work out at least you tried.

    Instead he said heíd do all that told me heíd stop contact with her told me he didnít want to lose me that he loved me and then carried on seeing her and rejecting me once more :-( then he expects me to still see him all the days I used to like before and at weekends when he wasnít away like before but seeing her as and when he can like before but with me not being his actual girlfriend anymore until he sorts his head out as heís unhappy and canít forgive himself and doesnít know what he wants but knows he canít not ever see me again as he loves me.

    Thatís what hurts the most itís oainful confusing I feel second best I donít know what Iíve done what I could do better heís someone Iíve known for 10 years yet I feel like I donít know how to be around him :-( I donít know who I am now I thought I was a good person I go out of my way to help people Iím friendly Iím bubbly I donít look bad I look good yet it wasnít enough for him. I was someone he could trust I was his best friend as well I was always there for him no matter what when he was away I left him be like he asked so he could focus on his darts I wished him good luck gave him support why wasnít it enough :-((

    Thatís what I cry over as well as the cheating and lies I just feel like I donít know him that nothing in our ten years together meant anything to him and that why in other cheating situations do the cheaters want their partners back and show remorse but he hasnít what is wrong with me :-(

  8. #17

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    I also struggle with the fact she lives so far away why throw away what you had on your door step for someone you hardly see whoís 14 years younger who has already at the age of 23 for a failed marriage behind her and who had no qualms at all after finding out he had a girlfriend of 10 years all the messages youíd sent each other photos of the two of you together told me how youíd speak to each other 24/7 that youíd made plans till January and that she wouldnít go after someone who was taken to then say efffffff off I love him heís mine I donít care about you I am fighting for him and not letting him go.

    It hurts that someone like that means more to him than me. He can see the hurt sheís caused me as well by her actions after I found out yet that doesnít phase him and then I beat myself up and torture myself over that as well :-(

    The whole situation is messed up I could understand it more if she lived near him where he could see her in a normal way but it takes him an hour and a half to drive to the airport and hour plus in the airport a 3 and a half hour flight another hour coming out of the airport at her end and the cost of it too and yet that means more to him than our 10 years together and yet he claimed he loved me and didnít want to lose me :-(

    I feel like he was using me to fill his gap and then it hurts so much when I realise he really expected me to do that for him Carry on like normal same as before but while heís with her. It makes you feel like youíre nothing :-( that you donít matter your feelings donít matter that itís ok to do that to you and because you love that person you should be happy for any attention they give you :-( I really feel like he hates me so much I donít understand it at all :-(

  9. #18
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Under review.

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