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Why? Cheated left me for her she lives abroad


Lost97

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This is long please read I need help to get me through this. It’s been the worst pain I have ever felt and I’m struggling each day :-(

 

Have been reading the forums to help me get my head around what has happened. My now ex of 10 years cheated on me and has been for at least 3 months. What makes it worse is that she doesn’t live in the U.K. :-( he sees her one or two weekends a month when he’s traveling away pursuing his hobby of making it as a darts player.

 

I was with my ex for 10 years we didn’t live together. He always said he loved me but in the last few months was distant and snapping at me all the time then being really kind his usual self. I asked him if there was a problem he said no he was just tired from work.

 

He travels a lot for his darts and goes away a lot at weekends. Not every weekend though but a big chunk. We saw less of each other over the last couple of years and I always supported that and never complained but missed him too as felt he preferred spending time away from me. He also took on a lot of work doing websites for people and transferring old video tapes to didgital formats for uploading. He always made me feel guilty as he had no time for his work and I’d just accept the little things we’d do together as I loved him and he always said he loved me. Whenever he snapped at me or was cold he would always apologise and make it up to me. It was confusing. He was also always on his phone on Facebook twitter what’s app etc. I am not someone who goes through my OH phone and accepted it and only once did I ask him if he could answer his messages in his own time and not when we are together as it upsets me and makes me feel like he doesn’t enjoy my company. We didn’t get much time together as he was always so busy and I felt bad asking him about that. It stopped a bit but he’d still do it and then when I arrived he would put his phone down or hide it or answer messages through his iwatch :-(

 

Again I asked him if everything was ok with us and again he assured me he loved me and he was just tired that’s all and felt like his life wasn’t going anywhere. He then said if I didn’t love you why would I buy us tickets for this night out. He had bought tickets to go to a zoo after closing.

 

When we went there I got dressed up made an effort and he didn’t notice which really hurt :-( I noticed while we were there he hung back and was on his phone he’d then make it look like he was taking pictures but he wasn’t :-( I asked him if for one night on a date night he could leave replying to messages till he got home as it was a special night for us. He carried on. Later I found out he was messaging this girl.

 

We were due to go on holiday a few weeks later he arrived at my house and was rude to me and snapping at me in front of my dad.

 

I’d bought him a special experience present that we went to before going to our holiday by the coast. In the car up while he was driving he was messaging through his iwatch.

 

Our first actual day of the holiday he was in a local

Competion. Again I’d dressed up for him he didn’t even notice and again it really hurt :-( he told me I was miserable and to stay in. I did but he then text me saying he’d got a train ticket for me and to come and meet him which I did.

 

After that he was his usual self. He won the competition but had had a lot to drink. At the train station on the way home he as sat next to me on his phone but because he was drunk he didn’t attempt to hide what he was doing I saw the messages and they weren’t normal friend messages and the person he was messaging on what’s all was a woman I didn’t know :-(

 

I was really upset and knew then something was really wrong but because I trusted him I pushed the sick feelings away. In the morning his phone went off I was on the sofa it was in front of me and the words came up on his lock screen ‘and I love you’

 

I started crying he woke up and I asked who this person was. He said it was a girl - she’s 13 years younger than him early 20’s. He said she was helping him with PR for his darts in Eastern Europe. He said it was nothing he understood how I’d feel seeing it and that friends say they love each other all the time.

 

I asked if he had feelings for her and if he’d been seeing her he said no. He loved me. He told me she was married and showed me a picture of her.

 

He made more of an effort was more affectionate and we continued our holiday. I had a lot of tears many days sobbing my heart out I was very confused and although I trusted him I still felt in my gut there was more to it. He would hug me amd hold me.

 

He continued reassuring me.

 

I asked him to show me her messages he had deleted them :-( he deleted her from Facebook in front of me. I later found out the same night she asked why he said it was a mistake and added her back on :-(

 

I felt bad and decided to make a little scrapbook of his tournaments he’d given me dates he was away so I went on a website to get the tournament names so I could fill in his progress at each tournament as a keep sake. That’s when I knew he was lying one particular tournament didn’t exist there wasn’t one. He told me it was the website so I said I’m really worried he said he understood as he knows seeing that text with and I love you from her had really hurt me but it was just a mistake on the website. He then said I do so well then one small minor thing sets me in a panic and I fall to pieces again which is his fault but it needs to stop as he felt bad enough.

 

I knew something was wrong now and I knew he’d never tell me so I did the stupidest thing ever which I am truly ashamed of and looked for her on Facebook. He’d said she was married and yes she had been but the last photos of her and her husband were in 2016.

 

I found her husband on Facebook and messaged him apologising for asking this but is he still in a relationship with this woman. He asked me why and I explained I loved my boyfriend very much but I’ve seen him messaging your wife and I think they may be seeing each other. He asked his name.

 

Next thing his ex wife contacted me saying she did have a boyfriend in the U.K. She lives in Eastern Europe 3 and a half hours away by plane. She had been seeing him 3 months and he was single. She told me his name it was my boyfriend. She sent me screenshots of messages he’d sent her photos he’d sent her and my heart broke. I found out he’s bought her over to the U.K. taken her to special places we went to. We went to see a film after we saw it he messaged her saying he’d seen a trailer and wanted to take her to see this film :-( messages he sent me that we’re loving would be sent to her minus the I love yous on my messages and the xxxxx at the end :-( it confused me so much why would he do that :-( he also told her he was single :-(

 

She told me he was a scum a liar and a cheat and she would never be with someone who was taken.

 

I confronted him saying I’d been speaking to her needless to say he was shocked and said he was scum and didn’t deserve to be with anyone and couldn’t be with anyone.

 

I thought it was a mistake a one off so I said I’d forgive him we could work on things get counselling he agreed.

 

He told me he couldn’t fix it he felt so guilty and didn’t know what to do that he couldn’t be with anyone :-( she then sent me a message saying she loved him he was everything to her made her feel special and she was listening to her Heart and not her head and was going to fight for him after all. She then blocked me on what’s app. As you can imagine knowing she was fighting for him made me feel sick what chance did I have :-(

 

We continued seeing each other one night he came round hysterical sobbing his heart out I went to leave and he said don’t go he wanted to fight for us.

 

Little did I know he was still attempting to make things right with her :-(

 

He told me he didn’t want to lose me he couldn’t not have me in his life and that he loved me and still wanted to see me. However he was still committing to seeing her - they had things booked up together until early January :-(

 

It broke my heart seeing him I felt sick I cried I couldn’t function as I knew he’d chosen her but he wouldn’t come out and say it. He couldn’t tell me what I’d done wrong for him to do this he would just say he couldn’t talk about it he then said she’s really nice and she understands that we will still be a part of each other’s lives and see each other :-( I’d asked him to cut all contact with her to help us with fighting for our relationship and he wouldn’t do it nor would he show me her recent messages as he couldn’t do it despite saying he would reassure me to help us.

 

It all got too much and I broke down completely I didn’t shout at him I haven’t called him names blamed him I blame myself I feel like I’m worthless as he was still saying he loved me but how could he? I forgave him was prepared to fight and get through it together and he rejected me again and continued to see and speak to her :-( it hurt so much.

 

The last time I saw him was a week ago we’d agreed to meet up to try and be friendly with each other as he didn’t want to lose me in his life. I was sobbing my heart out and asked him again to fight he said he didn’t know what he wanted and that she’s still about even if he stayed with me but I said he doesn’t have to talk to her just be civil it’s his choice he doesn’t have to sleep with her etc just because he had made plans with her before I found out :-(

 

He said it wasn’t easy for him he hates himself and cannot cope and seeing me upset wasn’t helping him it was making it worse. He still couldnt tell me he’d chosen to be with her over me he wouldn’t even say it nor would he tell me what I’d done wrong :-( he said everytime he sees me hurting it puts us back to square 1 that I can’t expect him to come back overnight :-( that I need to be patient be my old self and keep seeing each other as we get on so well as have been together so long :-( I felt like he was fobbing me off that he wants to see how it goes with her before deciding what he was going to do :-(

 

He told me he needed to sort his head out and seeing me hurt and crying won’t help that and I said but how can seeing her and sleeping with her still sort your head out :-( she lives a long way away their relationship is talking on the phone what’s app seeing each other 2 weekends a month at competitions and that’s it it’s not real life :-(

 

I felt like he wants her for the sex and easy life and me for during the week and the weekends he doesn’t see her so he doesn’t lose what he likes with me either :-( I hated myself so much as I felt like how can he really expect that of me and is that all I am worth :-( it’s messed my head up I have no self esteem no confidence and I struggle every single day :-( I started a new job the day after I found out he had betrayed me and cheated on me :-(

 

I was sobbing my heart out and he went mental he got really angry told me to F off F you and then on the motorway said he was going to speed the car up and go into the back of the car in front. He did this but slammed the brakes on at the last minute it scared the hell out of me.

 

I was shaking all the way home and stopped making crying noises for fear of upsetting him or making him angry. I’ve never seen him this way before :-(

 

When we got to my house he said come here and was his normal self I walked away and he screamed at me again sped off and shouted f you I’m going to die bin all my stuff you’ll never see or hear from me again :-(

 

I haven’t seen or attempted to contact him since and when this happened I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders but today has been an awful day I have had panic attacks I feel worthless I don’t understand what I’ve done and how he could hate me so much to hurt me the way he has. No one knows what he’s done he hasn’t told friends he didn’t tell his family I told his mum when she asked why they haven’t seen me. She’s tried talking to him about it but he won’t talk about it. That’s him he never talks about things on his mind he bottles things up or does more to not have to think about it :-(

 

My heart is broken I loved him so much I feel

Sick all the time I can’t fucntion and I don’t know what I did wrong :-(

 

I miss him as well and I know I shouldn’t do but I do. I just don’t understand how I didn’t see this coming. He never gave any signs until the end but I asked him if he was ok if we were ok and he always said yes.

 

I just don’t know what to do how will trust anyone again? I don’t think I can and I just want it to go away so I don’t feel this way anymore :-(

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I also worried that if I didn’t stay in contact with him or keep seeing him even as friends he would forget everything about us and me and never come back. I love him and I miss him and I don’t know what I’ve done or what to do. Everyday is so hard I feel empty and worthless as if I was worth anything at all he wouldn’t have done what he did to me. He even took me on holiday still despite the fact he was cheating on me :-( I asked him why he took me on holiday still he said it was because he wanted to. Even last Saturday he was still sending me texts and saying I love you in texts and over the phone I don’t understand how he can do that but still see her :-(

 

Can anybody offer an my advice

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He was also telling me how much he misses me that everything reminds him of me and he feels empty. He also said he may come back as he loves me but needs to sort his head out and it won’t happen straight away :-( how can he sort his head out while he’s still speaking to her every night on what’s all via calls and texts and this week they are at a competition together in the U.K. :-( she has her hotel room he has his irs so strange why pretend you’re not together :-(

 

It’s all confusing me so much I’m not sleeping my old eating disorder from my teens has come back and I can’t compete with a woman in her early 20’s :-(

 

I’ve had a good year I made more of an effort lost weight changed jobs showed him I was someone worth being with and the worst part of it all is she is a bigger girl and now I feel confused as I was a bigger girl before like her and am now a size 12 and I feel like if I hadn’t lost weight maybe he’d still be with me :-(

 

I don’t understand it all :-( it hurts so much

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I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Finding out that you've been betrayed like that isn't just painful, but completely disorienting.

So I hope I can shed some light on some of the questions spinning in your head.

 

The thing about cheaters and unfortunately that's who your bf is, is that they are 10000% self centered. It's not about you, who you are, what you can and cannot do for him, etc, etc, etc. It is NOT your fault in any way shape or form that he cheated. That is all on him and his selfishness, ego, complete lack of morals and values, etc. This isn't about the other woman either. Obviously, she doesn't have any morals either, but hey, water seeks its own level.

 

If your bf was even a little decent, he could have ended things with you before he engaged with someone else, supposing that your relationship has lost its attraction. However, for cheaters, it's not how this works. They want to have their cake and eat it too. They want to have you and they want the high of lying, sneaking around, etc. Cheaters are incredibly messed up people. You can't fix them, you can't change them, you should get away as far and as fast as you can from them.

 

The way he behaved when he got busted, the threats, the anger - it's a bit like a toddler having a tantrum. They won't accept responsibility or face reality, they'd rather lash out and blame you - alleviates their guilt, assuming they have any, or more like their frustration that their cozy exciting arrangement is busted.

 

OP, unless he goes to counseling and works hard on his issues and what drove him to act out the way that he has, do not ever even contemplate letting this low life back into your life. You are a lovely woman who deserves better than that. You didn't cause this and it's on him to either fix himself or get lost. Head high.

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Thank you dancing fool for your reply.

 

I said about counselling what they suggest to help but he didn’t really listen.

 

It is very hard very confusing. I asked him why her he said she’s not here she’s not close by he doesn’t have to commit as she’s so far away. He said he’s not happy and doesn’t know what he wants but I don’t understand how 2 and a half months seeing someone a handful of times was enough for him to throw away our 10 years together it’s like it meant nothing to him that nothing we did made him think I’ll fight to make it work.

 

He said that was what he wanted but he still couldn’t cut ties with this girl. We are both in our late 30’s she is 13 and 1/2 years younger than him.

 

I could understand it more if she lived close by if she lived in the U.K. but she doesn’t she lives 3 and a half hours away by plane. I don’t get what it is she has that makes him want to throw away someone who was good to him that he said he loved and still said he loved last week when I last saw him :-(

 

I dont understand at all and it’s so confusing so hurtful and I feel ashamed. I used to love going for long walks now I avoid places I walked as a lot of the time he came with me so it reminds me of him and makes me feel sick and tearful.

 

I can’t watch certain tv shows or films because again it was things we watched together.

 

Why can’t I hate him? Why can’t I do that? Why do I blame myself and feel like it’s sometbinf I did wrong. He said it wasn’t me but then he can’t tell me why he did it so I have no closure no understanding. He can’t even tell me he chose her over me he won’t even admit that he just said he couldn’t cope with seeing me so upset it was making him feel bad :-(

 

I said why didn’t you dump me or leave me if you weren’t happy and that’s why you pretended to be single and had an affair? He couldn’t answer that either :-( I feel like he’s getting some kick out of all this I don’t know :-(

 

I know when I found out about the weekend of darts which didn’t exist that he was actually going to see her over night in her home country. This was 2 weeks after I found out he had been lying and had been seeing this girl

Physically and emotionally.

 

I begged him not to go he told me he wasn’t going but he went and I asked why and he said I hadn’t heard from you so didnt know if you were still here for me or not and I couldn’t be at home because it reminded him of me and what he’d done so he went to her :-( I couldn’t talk to him when I knew he wasn’t cutting ties with her I had to NC for my own sake yet he threw that back in my face as the reason he went to see her :-(

 

I also don’t understand how she can even be with him he lied to her too when we were on holiday she couldn’t understand why he wasn’t ringing her every night and during the day and he told her he was working to which she asked but you ring me at work so what’s different? :-( I know this as she told me and she took great delight in telling me that he messaged her constantly she sent me photos of her and him together on days out she also sent me selfies of him he’d sent her and pictures from his work parties the same pictures he’d send me first then send to her :-(

 

Special places happy memories places he and I shared he took her to when she came to the U.K. and he was lying to me saying he had to work or he was out at local league Darts. I feel like the times he took me to these places weren’t good enough so he took her there to get a better memory I don’t know but it hurt so much :-(

 

I don’t get why he would say he wanted to save our relationship he was hysterical and in tears yet he went back to her :-(

 

I don’t know what I did to him I feel he must’ve really hated me to do this :-(

 

I also feel like I was second best that he was using me telling me he loved me to keep me around incase it didn’t work out with her I really don’t know.

 

I’ve never known pain like it. When he started focusing on his dreams and ambitions by trying to make it on the darts circuit I stuck by him I hardly saw him but I loved him and when you love someone you support them with what they do. I missed him when he went away I didn’t decide to go and cheat on him because I missed his company I don’t understand how he could do this to me.

 

Now I wonder back to other times when he was moody with me or snapping at me whether he’s done this before and I never knew?

 

I wonder if he’s having some almost mid life crisis and whether he will come back.

 

I know he’s someone who doesn’t like people thinking bad of him hence why he’s told no one not even his close friends what he’s done and I feel like maybe he’s stayed with her to not let her be upset and feels like he owes it to her but if that’s the case why hasn’t he done that with me so again I beat myself up thinking I’m not good enough somehow :-(

 

It’s so horrible I wouldn’t ever wish the pain of being cheated on on anyone. I could take being dumped but that’s different you feel the loss but at least you have your dignity still. Being cheated on turns your world upside down you lose your self esteem you lose confidence you don’t know who you are anymore you don’t trust people you’re scared you’ll never find love again you’re scared that you’ll meet someone and because of what you’ve been through they will suffer the brunt of it as you won’t trust them and will give them grief over what someone else has done to you. Why should someone else not have your trust because of another’s actions :-(

 

You also don’t sleep I have horrific nightmares but never remember what they are about I just wake up heart racing and with night sweats things I never had before what he did.

 

He ruined our holiday where we went was special to me I’ve been going there since I was a small child it was always the safe place if that makes sense? Now the thought of going back there makes me sick as that’s when I first found out about her although at that point I didn’t know he had cheated :-( he carried on as normal after that first text I saw we went to places he was kind his normal self he held me when I cried he went out of his way to reassure me he told me he loved me why did he do that? He can’t have meant it it must’ve all been an act :-( I also beat myself up wondering why didn’t he come clean then? Why did he continue to lie to me when he clearly didn’t want to be with me as he cheated :-( none of it makes sense and he wouldn’t tell me anything to give me any closure or understanding he just kept confusing me and hurting me and telling me he loved me and there was a chance we’d get back together as he loved me but it couldn’t be right away as he needed to sort his head out :-(

 

I don’t know what parts of what he told me were true and what weren’t as he was such a good liar :-(

 

How can anyone be that cruel?

 

When will this get better for me? When will I have a day where what he did doesn’t enter my thoughts. I keep busy I do what I can but it’s always there and my day right now is spent trying to get through the day and make it to bedtime.

 

This isn’t me I feel like I’ve lost myself :-(

 

Friends have been great and doing their best but I feel like I’m just not there :-(

 

I want it to go away. I think does he miss me does he feel anything can he not see how this relationship he’s in may not work that it was built on a lie that he doesn’t really know her it’s words on a phone it’s a phone call it’s limited physical time due to distance he’s not seeing the real person he’s not seeing her daily living with her etc :-(

 

She told me 2 weeks into their relationship that he said he wanted to book an apartment with her to see if they can live together as he wants to move in with her in a year as he’s never felt like this about anyone ever before :-(

 

Am I going mad here thinking this is a bit weird? You can’t say that to someone after knowing them 2 weeks :-(

 

It kills me inside knowing he’s with her I feel so lost and don’t know what I did wrong :-( why am I going through this hell right now yet he’s fine he’s functioning going out doing his darts seeing her as well how can he be ok and carry on as if nothing has happened yet I can barely get though each day I feel ashamed :-( like it’s all my fault

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My heart really breaks for you. Please please don't feel ashamed. If there is one person who should be ashamed, it's him. Trouble with cheaters is that they are indeed cruel - too selfish to care what they do to others as long as it pleases them. They are also users.

 

Try not to think about how he is off with her and it's all pink bunnies and fluffy clouds. I promise you it doesn't work like that. He is messed up and so is she. Water seeks it's own level and their age difference...honestly kind of gross. They'll never be able to trust each other and that alone will eat them alive. Plus she is very young and so for that reason alone this thing won't last. Plus neither one of them have any morals. Let's just say that the Karma bus is heading their way.

 

Do be kind to yourself. Go do things that make you happy. Don't just sit with your pain and despair. Talk to friends, make new friends. Go to new places. Create a happy life and memories without him. Yes, there will be triggers that remind you, but with time.....it fades and life slowly returns to normal. You cannot allow this loser to damage you for life...just on principle. You are stronger than that. Your greatest revenge is really to heal, move on and have a happy life. Something that he will not have. He isn't happy so he cheats? I swear they all share the same handbook and read these lines out of it. The bottom line is that he is one messed up puppy, but since he won't admit it and would rather run away, you let him go on his way and lock and bar the door behind him.

 

What you are feeling in waves is normal. The triggers are normal. Just trust that with time, anger will come and then....just meh. You won't care anymore.

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My heart breaks for you as well. So much so that I couldn't even find the words to say to help or comfort you.

 

DancingFool pretty much covered it. I'm sorry you're so hurt, Just know that as painful as this is , it will start to fade, and you will feel better. It's a long road. Be kind to yourself, cry, vent, write, do whatever you need to. We've all been there. The pain, the humiliation, the broken trust, don't let it prevent you from finding and making happiness for yourself in life once you process and work through the grief you feel. Hugs to you xxxxxxxxxxxx

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So, so very sorry for your pain.

 

Keep reading what DancingFool wrote. Hard as it is to understand, this has nothing to do with you—nothing—and that's why you need to get out: to protect yourself, and your self worth. To build that back up, rather than looking to him to fill it. The more you do that, the more you'll just spin around in the same place.

 

This is a damaged man, plain and simple. Liar that he is, believe him when he tells you he hates himself. Because what he's doing is basically trying to destroy himself, bringing true his worst ideas about himself, but in a backwards way where he also seeks the high and never has to fully be accountable for those worst ideas, where they come from, and the hurt they can inflict. It's selfish, self-sabotaging, a gigantic knot. He can spin around in it for years, forever. It's up to him to either figure out or not, and right now he is nowhere near that.

 

I cheated on someone when I was 27. I was a damaged man, plain and simple. I hated a lot of pieces of myself, pieces I didn't understand. I was not a monster, but I was selfish, lost, and dangerous. My actions had nothing to do with my feelings for my gf, who I cared about immensely, found immensely attractive, all that. But I did not respect myself, and so was incapable of respecting anyone. I'm a reflective person, always trying to become better. I got help, focused on understanding what happened, taking responsibility, spending a long, long time in therapy. That was 12 years ago. I have not cheated since then. I'm a different person now, from facing all that and continuing to face it.

 

A year and half ago my girlfriend of three years started cheating on me. Multiple partners. Finding ways to blame me, make me feel like everything was my fault. It hurt—and, I mean, it HURT—but maybe from where I'd been I knew it wasn't about me. It wasn't the shape of my body, wasn't about how much money I have, wasn't about my intelligence, wasn't about the ways I came up short in the relationship. No, it was her own damage inflicting pain on me, her lack of respect for herself being weaponized. There was nothing to do but get out, away from the danger, and that's what I did.

 

I don't hate her, in my mind, because how could I? I'd been in her shoes, so it would mean hating myself, and in general, and in romance, I don't believe anything productive comes from holding onto hate. I hope she's doing well, doing better, though to be honest I don't think about her too much. She's not really my business, you know? She's a damaged person whom I loved and who hurt me—it's not mysterious.

 

And the reason I'm not full of insanity about it is because she's out of my life, because I KNEW it was not about me. Once you know that, you can allow yourself to go through the process of just feeling the pain and hurt. Not fun, that, at all. But I assure you that after that there is real light on the horizon.

 

This guy, right now, is just more darkness. Like, pure darkness. That should be your only focus right now, the hard fact you land back on in the spins. Eventually that becomes the only thought, and it's no longer a mystery, and that's when he'll start to leave your mind.

 

Again, I'm sorry for your pain.

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Thank you so much dancing fool.

 

What you said about waves is so true it does feel like that one day is fine in fact since the anger incident in his car I’ve been fine but today it just hit me again and overwhelmed me.

 

Yesterday had a meeting with other managers in my new job - I’ve been there 3 weeks and my area manager asked to speak to me afterwards and told me of a store mamanger vacancy and that I should apply. I’m currently grade 3 so this is the next step up and it was a huge boost confidence wise but then it triggered off the doubt over my ex somehow. Why do others see potential and good things in me but he didn’t.

 

I’m not an idiot I’m an intelligent woman so I know I shouldn’t be blaming myself for what happened but I do :-( it really does hurt so so much and I just pray for the day I wake up and it isn’t there anymore.

 

I know time heals all wounds but it doesn’t seem that way when you’re going through betrayal being lied to and cheated on and hurt.

 

I’ll never understand that and I wish I could hate him I wish I could be angry shout at him but that’s not me and I won’t lower myself to that.

 

I know she screamed at him when she confronted him about lying to her too. And he went running back to her. They are alike though both haven’t told close friends about their situation he hasn’t told his friends he’s not with me anymore and that he cheated on me and she didn’t tell her friends her new boyfriend was in a relationship for 10 years and lied to her and said he was single..... I’m wondering what they’d say to her about that one!

 

It’s bizzare and as I said earlier the distance is massive he lives in U.K. she lives near Bulgaria. They see each only when they’re at the same darts competions where they share the same hotel if no one he knows that knows me will be there and in the U.K. he lets his sponsor book him a hotel which he stays in but she has her hotel somewhere else he sneaks off there but comes back to his hotel room to save face.... that makes no sense to me why hide it he’s not with me anymore so why pretend he’s not seeing her :-( again it makes no sense it confuses the hell out of me and again causes more hurt :-(

 

He said she’s not here it makes it easier but eventually she will want more she will want to move here on him to move there I know he won’t do that I may not have known he was a cheater but I know him I know he can’t commit in that way and he couldn’t afford to and he is someone who likes his own space but also cannot be alone if that makes sense? He wants both.

 

I don’t know. Feel lost by the whole thing. I feel like 10 years I never knew him how much of it was lies? When someone says I love you to me later on down the line will I ever believe it? He said it and he didn’t mean it he couldn’t have done as he cheated :-(

 

I have blocked him since the car incident last sat. He can’t contact me and I won’t be contacting him again I don’t want to.

 

I love him still and I miss him still but the thought of seeing him or speaking to him again fills me with dread and hurt.

 

My heart goes out to anyone who’s been through what I am right now or is going through what I am right now. The pain is immense it affects every part of you and your day to day life and all because someone did not have any respect or concern for you or your feelings when they decided to cross that line and cheat :-(

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As odd as it may sound, if he didn't value you, he would have dumped you and moved on. Instead he wanted his cake and to eat it too. He wanted you to carry on being his stable life, he wanted to eff around on the side because he is himself effed up. Even choosing to cheat with someone so far away is both convenient and self sabotaging. Convenient in that he was less likely to get caught. Self sabotaging because....well...distance. This isn't likely to ever become real or work out for them. Basically, it wasn't that he doesn't value you, it's simply for the thrill of it, plus he didn't think he'd get caught.

 

As for the effed up part...well....bluecastle gave you some good insight into that. The internal self loathing, insecurities and ultimately not facing his issues. When you suggested therapy, he ran away. NOT from you, but from himself, from his guilt, self loathing, etc. He took the path of least resistance, which alone says a lot and none of it good about him.

 

As for you, you really are dealing with a double hit - dealing with the end of such a long term relationship and betrayal on top of that. I'm so proud of you that you blocked him. That alone says that you have your head screwed on straight and you'll be OK. You aren't alone either. We are here for you. Hugs.

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Thank you blue castle and sweet girl for your replies.

 

I was responding to a previous post when your replies came in and didn’t see them until I’d sent the reply initially.

 

Blue castle about a month before the cheating started he was away and he rang me fed up saying what was he doing going away all the time when what mattered to him most was at home - me.

 

Maybe that was a lie who knows :-(

 

He was down around about the time this happened he had been for a good few months maybe even a year looking back at it. He’s not a talker so I’d ask him what was wrong and he would never open up he’s always been this way. Prob didn’t help in our relationship in hindsight :-(

 

He would have moody moments and say things like he’d wasted his life he hadn’t achieved anything he hadn’t used his degree etc etc.

 

Not finding an excuse for what he did but as I said in my first post I wondered if he’d had some sort of mid life crisis I don’t know.

 

I know he has low self esteem. He acts like mr nice guy mr confident and can charm the pants off anyone and as I now know he’s the best liar ever. I’ve seen the messages he sent this girl she sent them to me of her own free will - think she enjoyed hurting me I don’t know but it seemed that way at the time rubbing it in my face how much he liked her :-( the messages he sent her were proper charm - you’re my angel you’re my princess I’ve never felt like this about anyone before etc etc it was all charm charm charm so I can see why she has fallen so hard for him but at the same time it’s words on a screen sent to someone who lives a long way away who’s not face to face. Maybe he meant it I don’t know maybe he genuinely means what he said to her but after 2 weeks saying that to someone isn’t right to me but that’s just my opinion.

 

I don’t know why he stayed with her and rejected me despite saying he would fight that he loved me didn’t want to lose me that he missed me that it’s hard not seeing me anymore as I was a big part of his life but to expect me to still see him carry on exactly as before while he’s not seeing her made me feel like poop :-( I felt ashamed hurt like I was second best I also felt scared that if I didn’t do this he’d forget me and he’d stay with her :-( I also am ashamed to say I did still try to see him and put a happy face on so he could see what he was missing etc but it was too much for me. I’d see him and feel sick I’d feel love hit hurt I’d feel rejection I’d feel like I wasn’t good enough and I can’t hide silent tears and if he saw me like that he didn’t like it as he couldn’t cope with seeing me upset as it made him feel bad :-( then I’d get the I don’t know what I want you think I’m happy but I’m not I’m dying inside conversation and then the I love you but right now I need to sort myself out and seeing you upset means it’ll be longer before I can come back and you can’t expect us to be together again overnight :/( when he said that it would kill me inside as I’d think why can you see her why is seeing her not messing your head up and making it harder for you :-( why did you chose her over me when you say you love me but never said that to her :-(

 

It was more hurt over and over again and I’d keep coming back and then the last time I saw him it was just too much and I knew I had to go for good and never see him again and as much as I loved him and missed him and could’ve forgiven him I can’t do that after he stayed with her and was continuing to see her and not fight for us like he said :-(

 

I’ve read enough on here to know that if there’s any chance there needs to be genuine remorse and contact cut with the OW which he could not do. I also felt frightened that by going for good he wouldn’t even come back but I couldn’t put myself through it anymore I hurt enough each day as it is from what he did without giving myself more hurt by seeing him :-(

 

That was when he flipped at me by screaming at me and scaring me in his car on a motorway by speeding up and threatening to smash into the car in front and slammed the breaks on.

 

I’ve never seen him ever like this he was always a quiet kind soppy person he wasn’t someone who I didn’t feel safe around or who I thought would ever hurt me in any way at all :-( yet he has he cheated on me and because I was crying and he couldn’t cope with seeing me upset he went mental at me and put both me and him at risk with what he did in the car.

 

It sacred the hell out of me :-(

 

I didn’t sleep that night I was shaken up but also calm and felt stronger as I knew I’d made the right decision but by the next morning I’m thinking again he must hate me so much to try and scare me for being upset as I’m hurting :-(

 

Even now I think I did something wrong for him to do that in the car :-(

 

I don’t know his whole behaviour isn’t right right now this isn’t the person I loved he’s like a stranger and then I feel like I wasted 10 years of my life on someone who never cared as if he cared at all he would never have done this to me :-(

 

It’s so hard i wish I didn’t feel like this every day it’s awful :-(

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Another thing I am proud of after all this is that I have spent since January training for a walk marathon to raise money for charity. We had signed up for it together and as you can imagine when all this happened the thought of doing that walk made me feel sick to my stomach as it was a goal I had worked for for a good part of this year.

 

It was supposed to be a challenge and to help raise money for cancer as well as for me and him a chance to do something we would never have done before together it was like a Fresh start so after what he did to me I couldn’t bare to do it but with the support of my friends I went and I did it! I walked 26.2 miles around London over night and raised over £1100 for bowel cancer. It was hard mentally and physically as all marathons are and it was hard mentally and emotionally for what I was going through.

 

I cried a lot during the walk and when I got over the finish line in just over 8 hours I cried my eyes out I felt like I could be ok again one day that no matter what I was going through I could still keep going. I cried for him for what we had I cried for what he did and I cried for the person I never really knew.

 

It wasn’t the way I had thought it would be how I dreamt it would be but I am proud of myself none the less and I am doing it again next year with my friends too to give me something to focus on that’s positive and I’m sure I’ll cry again when I cross the finish line but it will be for the fact I did it rather than over him.

 

My training isn’t happening right now it still brings back painful memories but I’ve see myself a date to start again and I will make sure I do when it comes up.

 

I want to raise more money for cancer Research next year and will focus of doing something good to help others who are going through far more than I am right now.

 

He lost a good kind decent person with a big heart. It hurts so so much and I just hope I’ll be ok and not feel this pain everyday forever.

 

This forum helped me so much I wish I’d found it sooner I’ve lurked until today but I needed to reach out today I needed support and advice as it was getting too much. If I hadn’t seen this forum I would still be being a doormat and texting him ringing him seeing him I wouldn’t have had the courage to press the block contact button on my phone.

 

 

Thank you all again for your kind words of support I feel like there is hope it seems a long way away but I feel there is hope in the future for me and that what I’m feeling is normal I thought I was wrong for not feeling angry now I know it’s ok to cry and let it out and in time the tears will become less frequent

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Even in this most painful moment, it seems you're finding some clarity.

 

That self-esteem stuff—that's real. The charm you're talking about? That's his way of coping with his low self-esteem. Coping, remember, is that opposite of really dealing, which is why it's so dangerous. Someone who copes with charm can end up cheating, just as someone who copes with booze can end up a drunk—hence the classic "drunk cheater" stereotype out there. It exists for a reason.

 

The car incident is frightening, yes, but it's really just more of the same stuff. In his dark mind, he's in a corner. The thing he can't deal with—himself—is right there in front of him. Charm won't work. In fact, nothing will work. He's done too much, caused too much pain. His charade is up. So he yells and drives fast and makes threats—that, please know, is just more selfishness. Instead of just acknowledging your pain, he's making himself the star of the show, the dark soul who needs help, who can't control himself. It's pathetic. It's just another reason to stay away.

 

You say he is lost with a big heart. I believe you, and I may get flack for this, especially with what I've put out there about my own past pathetic choices, but I think that's a good thing.

 

Why? It speaks volumes for YOUR heart, how BIG it is, regardless of the size of his and his severe limitations and flaws as human being. And you know what? THAT is real, that heart of yours—was real these past 10 years, was real before him, will be real after. YOUR heart. Your pain right now is a reminder of that thing, its complexity, its beauty, its fragility. It's asking you to do the thing he cannot, to cherish it and protect it.

 

Listen to it.

 

We're here. Big hugs from the other side of the ocean.

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Thank you all again for your support it means a lot.

 

It’s a tough time right now so tough. Tonight an example can’t sleep been up since 4 am yesterday for work my work is physical so involves a lot of being on my feet heavy lifting etc and helps because I can switch off but has also been notice by my line manager that I throw myself into something but don’t focus or manage the team and see what they’re doing. As I’m on probation as it’s a new job I had to explain to my line manager which was humiliating that the reason I throw myself into something and appear to be focusing on that alone is because 3 weeks and 4 days ago I found out my OH of 10 years has been cheating on me and to top it all off she lives near Bulgaria is 23 years old so is in fact 14 years younger than him not 13 like I thought and not only that he’s still seeing her despite saying he loved me and didn’t want to lose me and wanted to fight for our relationship. And to add further insult to injury I found out on holiday and he lied about the full extent and I believed him only to find out the truth the day before I started working for you.

 

I expected the don’t bring your problems into work you’re a manager you lead by example and instead they said how are you even working to the standard you are with all that going on and it shows how strong you are.

 

I don’t think that helped me today either as again when someone says something nice about me it reminds me again of what he did and why can’t he see what others see in me why can’t he see those good things why did he cheat and hurt me so much and it sets it all off again.

 

I haven’t been looking after myself at all since finding he has been cheating and lying, I’d gone from being physically fit walking 25km everyday, I was positive with aspirations for my and our future I was eating well had more self confidence got a new job to having it all get turned upside down. Now I barely sleep I have nightmares cold sweats at night I don’t eat I had bulimia in my teens that reared It’s ugly heard again as a way of coping with what has happened - something I am fighting everyday as it’s awful and I hate it but can’t stop right now and all because of what he did and that’s what I’m struggling with :/(

 

Why can’t I hate him why am I beating myself up blaming myself every day feeling like I’m not good enough that I’m worthless in some way that I mean so little to someone that they can do this :-( I wish he’d left me I don’t know why he didn’t. If he’d left me I’d be ok it would’ve hurt but I wouldn’t have gone through this.

 

This will affect me for many years it’ll affect future relationships it will affect my own confidence I get panic attacks now as well which is totally bonkers why am I getting panic attacks?!?!? I also can’t look people in the eye if men are nice to me or look at me in a good way I don’t know why they are doing it and I don’t like it and feel self conscious. I’ve avoided going out seeing friends I don’t want anyone near me as I feel embarrassed and ashamed and it’s just so painful why am I like this?

 

If I could hate him or feel angry would it not be this way? I don’t know at all.

 

I just don’t get how he carries on as normal feeling nothing going about his day like nothing has happened and I know I will need counselling to get through this :-(

 

We were supposed to see the counting crows this month I love that band they rarely come to the U.K. now I won’t be going he has the tickets and I don’t want to contact him I can’t speak to him or see him again yet at the same time I miss him and want things back how they were before he met her. How does that work why does your brain do this to you? Does that make sense?

 

Will it always be like this?

 

Just want the pain to go the emptiness to go he still has so much of my stuff things from our holiday. We painted pottery I climbed a lighthouse with him souvenirs etc as well as my personal things I’d left at his house but I can’t have them back as they remind me of what has happened :-(

 

It’s just so hard. I was crying walking home from work today out of nowhere. I’ve had to get picked up by friends as well when I can’t face walking to the shops or walking to the train station. I just feel ashamed of myself that I did something wrong for him to do it and I know it’s stupid I know that deep down but I still feel that way it’s so silly

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That’s what doesn’t help and makes the pain worse.

 

Not just the cheating but the lies. Why say you love someone? He was saying it up till last Saturday :-( why do that if you don’t mean it? Does he not see how confusing and hurtful that is?

 

To me it’s black or white if you love someone you fight you forgive you work on things you give it a final go you have counselling you try your best and if at the end of it it still doesn’t work out at least you tried.

 

Instead he said he’d do all that told me he’d stop contact with her told me he didn’t want to lose me that he loved me and then carried on seeing her and rejecting me once more :-( then he expects me to still see him all the days I used to like before and at weekends when he wasn’t away like before but seeing her as and when he can like before but with me not being his actual girlfriend anymore until he sorts his head out as he’s unhappy and can’t forgive himself and doesn’t know what he wants but knows he can’t not ever see me again as he loves me.

 

That’s what hurts the most it’s oainful confusing I feel second best I don’t know what I’ve done what I could do better he’s someone I’ve known for 10 years yet I feel like I don’t know how to be around him :-( I don’t know who I am now I thought I was a good person I go out of my way to help people I’m friendly I’m bubbly I don’t look bad I look good yet it wasn’t enough for him. I was someone he could trust I was his best friend as well I was always there for him no matter what when he was away I left him be like he asked so he could focus on his darts I wished him good luck gave him support why wasn’t it enough :-((

 

That’s what I cry over as well as the cheating and lies I just feel like I don’t know him that nothing in our ten years together meant anything to him and that why in other cheating situations do the cheaters want their partners back and show remorse but he hasn’t what is wrong with me :-(

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I also struggle with the fact she lives so far away why throw away what you had on your door step for someone you hardly see who’s 14 years younger who has already at the age of 23 for a failed marriage behind her and who had no qualms at all after finding out he had a girlfriend of 10 years all the messages you’d sent each other photos of the two of you together told me how you’d speak to each other 24/7 that you’d made plans till January and that she wouldn’t go after someone who was taken to then say efffffff off I love him he’s mine I don’t care about you I am fighting for him and not letting him go.

 

It hurts that someone like that means more to him than me. He can see the hurt she’s caused me as well by her actions after I found out yet that doesn’t phase him and then I beat myself up and torture myself over that as well :-(

 

The whole situation is messed up I could understand it more if she lived near him where he could see her in a normal way but it takes him an hour and a half to drive to the airport and hour plus in the airport a 3 and a half hour flight another hour coming out of the airport at her end and the cost of it too and yet that means more to him than our 10 years together and yet he claimed he loved me and didn’t want to lose me :-(

 

I feel like he was using me to fill his gap and then it hurts so much when I realise he really expected me to do that for him Carry on like normal same as before but while he’s with her. It makes you feel like you’re nothing :-( that you don’t matter your feelings don’t matter that it’s ok to do that to you and because you love that person you should be happy for any attention they give you :-( I really feel like he hates me so much I don’t understand it at all :-(

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