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Refuses to be forgotten? Ex and his pointless contact


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So I guess this is half vent/half question. My ex and I were together for 3 years and he did the slow fade on me towards the end, but he was also very hot and cold, (obvs more cold). It ended with a fight instigated by my insecurity which was instigated by his coldness...but I didn’t know it had ended until 2 weeks later when I asked if he wanted to talk about what happened. That’s when he broke up with me over text message.

 

I could see on social media a week later he was with another girl, camping in the tent we had bought on my birthday last year, and camped in maybe 3 weeks before… I’m sure you can imagine how that absolutely destroyed me for a while... And I never contacted him after that unless he contacted me first, which he did, but I’ve always been brief.

 

One of those more recent times he had sent me an email that started out about hiring me for a project he was working on, then a follow up saying he had gotten me a gift on his last trip. First he had asked for an address to send it, which I gave him. A few days later he randomly texted asking if I was in the area so he could give it to me, I said sure. Told me he decided to meet me in person cause sending it in the mail would be “a d*** move” as he put it. Ha. So we met for like 15 minutes by a train station near my house and then went our separate ways. A little weird. (Background on the gift: I went on a trip years ago and got us two matching wooden combs that we both adored, one day he saw that mine had broken in half [before the breakup], and this gift turned out to be the same comb from the same country.)

 

Anyway back to the point lol, as soon as we broke up we unfollowed each other on social media and never reconnected. But ever since then once in a while he watches my stories on IG or likes my latest post. Again, he doesn’t follow me. And there is no friendship in real life either. And of course I’ve stalked exes, but I would be so embarrassed if they knew. So there must be some intention other than just curiosity. I recently found out through a mutual friend he got married to the girl he started dating right after me. Not sure exactly when that happened but we’ve been broken up a total of 7 months now, and this marriage happened at least a few months ago. It really hurt at first but now I'm over that too and simply hoped to never hear from him again.

 

But just 2 weeks ago he sent me a video he made, with no message. Yesterday he liked another post of mine late at night. Last month (all in the same day) he watched my IG story, sent a text message with a video he made and nothing else, and an email asking me a industry-related question, which I answered politely with no additional response from him…

 

Can someone please help me understand this behavior? It's amusing but more confusing and even frustrating than anything. I want to ask what the hell his problem is but not actually speak to him!

 

My friend said it’s guilt about being such an a-hole, but how does making it known that you’re checking on me alleviate guilt? Is he trying to make sure it's "all good" between us"? I never lashed out or told him I hate him, to never speak to me again or whatever, I always replied to his questions politely, how "good" does he want it between us?? Why did he think the gift was a good idea?!

 

And if he is checking on me he probably can see that I’m with someone else now and finding success in my career so he really doesn't need to worry about having broken me anymore (although if he really cared about my feelings this all would have gone waaaay differently). And I feel like he’s been avoiding actually talking to me because... how awkward would it be to explain that he got married a few months after our breakup? When he was always the one paranoid that I had someone on the side?

 

I won’t block him, because that would show him that I care enough to be bothered. I think it’s a major advantage for me that I never lashed out and cried and called him an for however it is that he ended up with that girl so quick. And now he sees me happy and successful, the end. But any idea on why he does this?

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You are not blocking him because you want to feel that there is some connection between the two of you, and hope that someday he will return.

 

You should have blocked this creep long ago. What an absolute insult to break up by text. i would also bet money he was cheating. Haven't you wanted enough time and energy on him. Move on with your life and block him. Stop holding on. He does not care about you. Remember, he married another.

 

Why would you worry about what he thinks? Did he give a sh*t about you? Blocking shows that you have moved forward, but I know you are seeking validation.

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Hollyj

 

Nah. That might have been true at first but like I said I am in a new relationship and there is no longer any pain when I think of the ex. A little confusion and lots of reflection sure. But the worst is over now. Also, he is still paying my phone bill as we were on his family plan. This is the main reason I even respond politely. He contacted me about it months ago asking what I would do but said in the same conversation that he doesn't mind so... I could let my ego refuse this and make a big showy exit, or I could take advantage and let him pay! I think that's a much smarter revenge lol. I have already moved on.

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What actions show I'm not over him? Not fair to others??? what are you talking about dude? explain!

 

By responding to him. Why would you waste any more energy on this guy? This guy treated you terribly, yet you respond when he reaches out in any little way.

 

You should not be dating because you are clearly not over him. If you were, you would not be posting here, about this jerk. You would not care.

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Hollyj

 

Nah. That might have been true at first but like I said I am in a new relationship and there is no longer any pain when I think of the ex. A little confusion and lots of reflection sure. But the worst is over now. Also, he is still paying my phone bill as we were on his family plan. This is the main reason I even respond politely. He contacted me about it months ago asking what I would do but said in the same conversation that he doesn't mind so... I could let my ego refuse this and make a big showy exit, or I could take advantage and let him pay! I think that's a much smarter revenge lol. I have already moved on.

 

Get on your own plan. There is no excuse to keep this connection. What does his wife think?

 

"or I could take advantage and let him pay! I think that's a much smarter revenge lol. I have already moved on." This is silly. Move on already!!! Stop holding on to this guy. Hon, you need to find some self respect. Also, if you are so successful now, you can certainly pay your bills. If a partner had disrespected me, the way your ex did, I would want no attachment,

 

He does not respect you. I would bet money he thinks he can get some side action..

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I do have to wonder how his wife feels about the hour long phone conversation and you being on his "family" phone plan that he pays for.

 

I also wonder if he's trying to skulk his way into convincing you to have an affair.

 

There was no hour long phone conversation... Forget how she feels about the phone plan, how about getting me a gift and meeting up to give it to me? He didn't try anything though, didnt even suggest going somewhere besides the train station.

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Get on your own plan. There is no excuse to keep this connection. What does his wife think?

 

"or I could take advantage and let him pay! I think that's a much smarter revenge lol. I have already moved on." This is silly. Move on already!!! Stop holding on to this guy. Hon, you need to find some self respect. Also, if you are so successful now, you can certainly pay your bills. If a partner had disrespected me, the way your ex did, I would want no attachment,

 

He does not respect you. I would bet money he thinks he can get some side action..

 

Ok calm your . You seem like a very anxious person that instantly jumps to the worst possible conclusion. How the hell should I know what his wife thinks??! She probably doesn't even know but that's far from the point.

 

And you keep talking about my self respect like you know me. Answering a question directly to an ex is not a lack of self respect, it takes maturity if you ask me, especially when I could be going nuts on him, but I chose to move on with my dignity in tact because even showing that he hurt me is more than I want to give him. Blocking does not show I have moved on, it shows I'm too heartbroken/butthurt to handle him existing somewhere on the same planet as I. And if you're sooo successful wah wah wah... BTW, did you know that success doesn't automatically mean lots of money all the time?

 

I will get my own plan eventually, duh. But please do tell me what's wrong with saving hundreds of dollars other than your projected pride issues? You don't think I've wanted to cut the phone line and burn all the nice stuff he's given me out of anger?... I have, until I realized that was only because of my ego and my irrational emotions which came and went... and guess what I still have my nice stuff and don't regret it one bit.

 

Maybe he doesn't respect me but he's still paying that bill with absolutely no effort or asking on my part so what do I have to lose?! Have you ever showed up day in and day out to a job that doesn't respect you just to pay the bills? Well then maybe you need some self respect hun ;)

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I think he's regretting his marriage. It sounds like he got married while in a rebound relationship from you and that;s never a good idea. And now he's thinking of you and probably comparing his wife to you and she;s not measuring up.

 

But none of this is your problem, it's his problem. You should get off his plan to break completely with him and let him move on. You don't want him having an emotional relationship with you when you've moved on. Of course you might expect him to pop back up again when he divorces his wife in a year or two, but again, that's not your concern. Don't worry about him or what he's doing.

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This is the behavior of someone who monkey-branches.

 

He was not happy in his relationship with you - but he is the type who is scared to be alone. So, rather than talk to you about it and end your relationship with dignity and respect, he moved on and found someone else while still dating you. That’s why he was being distant. He was dating someone else.

 

These people are often paranoid about whether or not you are cheating/moving on - because it’s what THEY do. They move on without letting you know. So, it’s natural that they would think others would do the same. They are scared because they don’t want you to do it to them first (or the end result will be that they are alone).

 

He keeps contacting you and paying for your phone because he likes having you as a backup plan. He doesn’t actually want to BE with you (or he would try to make it more ie: have a coffee after the train station, etc). He just likes knowing that you are still there and responding to him - because to him, it means he could probably get you back if it doesn’t work out with his wife.

 

People like this often have a number of backup plans. They are usually cultivating a few.

 

It’s really, really deep insecurity and it’s very sad, in my opinion. The intense fear of being alone means that he can never fully give himself to one person. He’s always looking around for his next branch (even if it’s only meant as backup).

 

He did it to you.

He is doing it to her.

If his marriage fails, he will likely do it to the next person.

 

I don’t think you should give him the satisfaction of being a back-up branch. What he did to you was very low. And he’s not a good guy. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

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Unfortunately it sounds like you would like to keep the door open. He does it because he knows you're not over him because you keep hanging on to contact and refuse to delete and block him.

I won’t block him, because that would show him that I care enough to be bothered.

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It's almost guaranteed he met her while you were still dating him, and fell for her. He chose her over you.

 

Blocking, eh. I don't block either but you should get your own phone plan. I think you don't because you want his wife to discover it . You want a little drama stirred up there for revenge.

 

What are these videos of? And watching someone's social media means nothing more than just being nosy.

 

He's married. He doesn't even have the courtesy to tell you that himself. Don't you take issue with that? If he cared for you, he'd tell you, not let you find out from others.

 

You're seemingly laughing about this but what truly is the humor in it?

 

I'm thinking marraige ain't so grand, so he's throwing you bait to keep you hooked and on your mind just enough in case the marraige falls apart. So essentially, you're the second choice. The backup plan.

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You seem to have all the answers. Don't know why you asked ENA.

 

I stand by what I said. You are still seeking validation from the creep and want him back. Period.

 

You are not showing dignity, you are showing that you are still pining for him. When people treat you badly, you do not reward them with contact, you cut them off. If a friend stole money from you or hurt your family , would you continue to engage in convo? I would hope that you would have some standards and cut them off.

 

Your last paragraph makes no sense. He is not your employer. I would rather not have a phone than be tied to this situation . This is respect. You are very defensive, too bad you don't use that attitude with him.

 

Time to move on, Hun. Your self respect should be worth more than a phone plan, but I guess not.

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Hopefully the phone plan is only a one year contract and you can get off it then. Do you suspect they were dating a while before you broke up?

I recently found out through a mutual friend he got married to the girl he started dating right after me. Not sure exactly when that happened but we’ve been broken up a total of 7 months now, and this marriage happened at least a few months ago
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He's only doing this, as others have said, to keep you as his backup plan. To fulfill his selfish needs, holding you out on a string. That stupid comb gift thing was simply his way of testing to see if you'd come running, and yes, you did.

 

He doesn't like you. He doesn't care about you. But boy, he's got you posting here, getting all defensive about him, when others point it out.

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RedDress nailed it, so I won't bother repeating. Mr. Monkey Branch. Sad stuff.

 

But what I'd be focusing on now is the clear fact that you're not as over this guy as you say. And that's fine. Doesn't mean you need to breakup with your current dude and sit alone in a cave for a year. But it's worth just acknowledging, with humility, so you can see this post for what it is: your frustrations that Mr. Monkey Branch still has some hooks in you.

 

Like, you know all his behavior that you're breaking down is basically just hot air. It adds nothing to your life. So why bother even breaking it down? Why bother worrying about whether you retain a "major advantage" in a game that ended a long time ago, and ended, largely, because it was more a game than a relationship? Why not just kind of laugh and shrug, forget it, and then have a night out with your bf, and post something on here about how that's going? Just as ex should be all about his marriage—but, as monkey-brancher, is incapable about being all about one thing, ever—you should be all about your present.

 

I mean this with no judgement. I've been there, most people have. So I hope this doesn't trigger an immediate response of how you're totally over all this, totally into new guy, etc. If you're even thinking along those lines as you read this sentence—well, goes back to my first point.

 

Thing is, a lot of the time when we get this worked up about another it's because we're worked up about something in ourselves. Like, the subtext here is that he's so pathetic for getting into a shotgun marriage and still poking you, right? But you're also in a new thing and deconstructing his pokes? THAT is the interesting stuff, not a random like on IG, because it's the only stuff you have any control over.

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Excellent posts by everyone so far.

 

Re: the phone thing: You think you have the "advantage" here, because you're getting free phone service.

 

Truth is, he's the one with the advantage. He pays a small monthly fee to keep you tied to him on a thread. What a cheap way for him to know that he has access to you at any time he wants.

 

He keeps himself in your head via free phone service, stupid small gifts, little stupid texts here and there.

 

He's got you posting here, defending him. What a prize he is.

 

Oh, and because he pays the phone bill, he can also access all your calls. How nice for him.

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Precisely, as administrator of the account he can change passwords, cut off service abruptly, read whatever goes on...so can his wife. Do what Iggy suggests and get your own phone plan that you control. They are all cheap with unlimited talk/text and often data.

He pays a small monthly fee to keep you tied to him on a thread. because he pays the phone bill, he can also access all your calls.
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Monkey Brancher is a kind term. I think what he was doing to you was always full blown cheating and cheaters are also paranoid that you'll do to them what they are doing to you. Attacking you over it also gives them a nice smokescreen, because while you are busy defending and proving your loyalty to them, you don't have time to take a better look at what it is they are doing.

 

Your ex is a horrible human being and a loser. That said, your perspective about refusing to cut him off is skewed the wrong way. You aren't showing him what a good strong woman you are, you are showing him that you are weak, still at his beck and call and still willing to easily fall for his bs. You willing to meet him because he dangled a gift in your face is one example of weak and still stringing along. If you were strong and over him, you should have told him politely that you two are broken up and you are no longer interested in him and do not want anything from him. He should keep the gift or give it to someone else. He literally played you like a guitar and you fell for it hard.

 

Unfortunately, despite not wanting to hear it, you really do need to get your head and your perspective straightened out. Go ahead and get your own phone plan, cut him off, and do block him from contacting you.

 

To answer your question why he is doing this - to string you along, to triangulate, to stroke his ego, to know you are still his backup girl, to know that he can still get under your skin and manipulate you so so easily (see gift above situation). It's a power trip for him. For as long as you continue to allow this by telling yourself that it's the right thing to do, he will continue to do it. You make it easy for him to use you to pat his ego.

 

As for the phone, there is no revenge OP. Who are you kidding here? For some plans there aren't even any extra feels to add a user. It costs him nothing, but as others pointed out, he can quasi stalk you and know who you are talking to, texting, etc. He can actually access anything he wants. Long past due for you to cut this cord. It's borderline creepy and you are getting the short end of this stick.

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- to string you along, to triangulate, to stroke his ego, to know you are still his backup girl, to know that he can still get under your skin and manipulate you so so easily (see gift above situation). It's a power trip for him. For as long as you continue to allow this by telling yourself that it's the right thing to do, he will continue to do it. You make it easy for him to use you to pat his ego.

 

To Triangulate - this is probably the # 1 reason he's doing this.

 

By triangulating, he gets to keep you on this string, while he can make his current girl (wife?) insecure. He gets to keep her guessing as to why he's texting you, why he's keeping you on his phone plan. His ego gets fed from her insecurities, and it gets fed from you responding. You allowing him to continue to keep him on your phone plan is a huge ego boost.

 

This isn't about him carrying some silly torch for you. It's about him having a deep-seeded hunger, to fill his ego. You're doing just that, with all the attention you're giving him by responding.

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You seem to have all the answers. Don't know why you asked ENA.

 

I stand by what I said. You are still seeking validation from the creep and want him back. Period.

 

You are not showing dignity, you are showing that you are still pining for him. When people treat you badly, you do not reward them with contact, you cut them off. If a friend stole money from you or hurt your family , would you continue to engage in convo? I would hope that you would have some standards and cut them off.

 

Your last paragraph makes no sense. He is not your employer. I would rather not have a phone than be tied to this situation . This is respect. You are very defensive, too bad you don't use that attitude with him.

 

Time to move on, Hun. Your self respect should be worth more than a phone plan, but I guess not.

 

You are not ENA you are just one persons opinion on ENA and you instantly jumped to say I have no self respect, that was so rude. I literally only ever talk to him when answering directly answerable questions about work or one time, the phone plan. How very pathetic of me to reward him like that. Your idea of dignity is a bit different than mine. I see myself as dignified for walking away from this without any drama, venom, grudges, or even any real hints of emotion. And I certainly respect myself for it, although you don't have to, that's fine.

 

And please stop calling me hon, it's a bit patronizing, besides everything else you've said to me. He didn't cheat on me that I know of, didn't steal or hurt my family soooo don't you think it's a little dramatic what you're saying?

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And guys, you are probably right about the monkey branching. You are right that he met her long before we broke up. Did he start dating her while he was dating me? Somewhat. We officially broke up in Jan but the moment that happened, the MOMENT, he did a 180 and instead of being an indifferent selfish that he was being during my holiday visit that he insisted on, he started acting like the sweetest boyfriend. Came to visit me in my state a week after I left, we went camping. I moved to his state, we hang out everyday for two weeks including Valentines day. He goes on a trip for work and becomes distant, then the fight and subsequent breakup (in march).

 

I don't need to be psychoanalyzed, I know where I stand and how I feel more than anyone else could tell me on here, no offense. Did I want him after we broke up? Of course, for a while. But now I have absolutely no desire to get back with him and no belief that that is even a possibility... I mean, he got married! How much bigger of a door has to be closed? He was always very abrupt in conversation and so was I, so it was very business like. I don't think either of us got any ideas from those interactions but he keeps doing that so that's why I'm here wondering months later why.

 

Also, he films videos for a living. Those are the videos he sent me, but when we were dating I knew he would text them to a long list of people for the purpose of staying relevant in certain people's mind and finding more work. There is absolutely no chance I will get him work so maybe it was just fishing for compliments and kudos.

 

I will get my own phone plan but it's interesting to hear that he might be paying it to keep the door open himself. That is not a possibility I considered. rather, I imagined it was out of guilt. But maybe he's not that good a person to even feel guilty? I still ignore those texts without a direct question, and dont look at his page even though he stalks mine sometimes. But I'm still iffy on the blocking. I men unless he's literally bombarding me with unwated messages it seems a bit petty. As I said, I have enough self control now to never check his page, even if it doesn't actually hurt me anymore... it's just... why?

 

Anyway, I still seriously think that for whatever reason he pays my phone bill in his mind is irrelevant to me now, as it still benefits me, and in my mind that is good. And the bill is not hundreds every month, but he has been paying it for months so I'm adding it up. That was also a bit besides the main point.

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