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blacktea

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Hi everyone, some of you might remember me as I've posted here for some advice few months ago.

I've been doing well until today, so I'm going to share it with you guys and hope to hear you guys' perspectives.

 

I've met a girl a few weeks back online, the initial chats went smoothly and we agreed to go on a date.

The first date went great, she's exactly what i expected and we were both interested on each other.

First date led to the second, and then the third date two days ago, with some messages in between.

 

And here's the deal breaker, during the third date I asked about her past relationships as I felt it's the right time.

She then told me that she broke up her 3 years relationship with her ex boyfriend just 2 months ago, and more importantly, it was her ex boyfriend who initiated the breakup, out of the blue.

Instantly I thought that's a red flag in my head, as that's too soon to go on dates for a potential serious relationship.

I didn't tell her that and I just mentioned that her breakup was quite recent.

She replied saying she was sad indeed, but she had went through the grieving, and her work had kept her busy so she felt that she's ready to date now.

 

After the date, the thought of the red flag been going through my mind all day yesterday and today.

I know I should stop seeing her as it won't lead to a healthy relationship long term, but at the same time, she's a great girl, I fancy her as she's "ticked so many boxes". I know no one is perfect, no on is "the one", but I thought she could be it, so I've debated for awhile if I should say something.

 

Until today, she messaged me saying shes been thinking and she feel that she's not ready to date.

She has been going through the stuff that she has kept in the bags when she moved out from the place she shared with her ex, it's been two months and it's the first time that she started go through them. She says she still has a lot of emotions and feelings to go through, and hope I understand where shes coming from.

 

I'm trying to be rational and realistic to analyze the whole experience/situation, but my heart and my emotional side made me feel low right now.

I just feel like it's a shame, I feel sad that it didn't work out.

It's only been 3/4 weeks and 3 dates, I know I shouldn't feel so emotional, but here I am right now.

 

Anyone here been through a similar situation?

Please feel free to share your perspectives.

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I've done that to several guys. Believe her. She's not ready. LTR and living together, she is the dumpee. She's probably is a great girl, but not great for anything long term. Not right now. I'm sorry you're hurt, at least you didn't invest a great deal of time into her and then have her say that.

 

Best thing to do is to say you enjoyed meeting her, and wish her well.

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I've done that to several guys. Believe her. She's not ready. LTR and living together, she is the dumpee. She's probably is a great girl, but not great for anything long term. Not right now. I'm sorry you're hurt, at least you didn't invest a great deal of time into her and then have her say that.

 

Best thing to do is to say you enjoyed meeting her, and wish her well.

 

Hey SweetGirl28,

 

Yeh I totally agree with you, that's why I wasn't sure about the whole thing anymore when I learnt about her recent breakup.

2 months out from a 3 years relationship is too soon right?

 

I know I've not known her long enough to know what she is really like as a person, so I shouldn't feel hurt at all.

But I just feel... gutted?

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I've done it too; after my LTR (six years) ended in Dec 2015 I jumped into another RL in late Feb 2016 (2 months later). I thought I was ready but I had simply buried the pain, so one month into it, I ended it.

 

For the next 7-8 months, I went through periods where I didn’t date at all to casually dated.

 

Often times, ideally we think we’re ready, but when faced with the reality of entering into another RL, we realize we’re not.

 

Please understand it’s not intentional, she didn’t "string you along," like some tend to believe. It’s just the nature of the beast.

 

For me, I know better than to get involved with a man so soon out of LTR, I just won’t do it, which is what I would advise anyone facing the same situation.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, but maybe lesson learnt for next time?

 

Time heals.

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Hey SweetGirl28,

 

Yeh I totally agree with you, that's why I wasn't sure about the whole thing anymore when I learnt about her recent breakup.

2 months out from a 3 years relationship is too soon right?

 

I know I've not known her long enough to know what she is really like as a person, so I shouldn't feel hurt at all.

But I just feel... gutted?

 

 

Way too soon! She needs at least a year to feel okay. If two people are upfront with intentions, and are okay with being casual, then it's fine. But when one wants more, or truly feels dating is causing more pain, you have to walk away.

 

You liked what you saw and she ticked boxes! So you were hopeful. It's okay to feel the way you do :)

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Sorry about this.

 

I know it stings. But also? You saw the red flag and had it confirmed, respectfully, in a pretty quick window. You didn't have to play hide and seek with the red flag, and really got thrown around, which is what a lot of people spend whole relationships doing.

 

I've been in your shoes, been in her shoes. Both suck.

 

Feel the jab—that's your heart reminding you that you're human, the most special thing, and also a reminder that connection is out there, if not easy to find in a sustainable way. If it was, there'd be no sites like this.

 

But wish her well and move forward.

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Feel the jab—that's your heart reminding you that you're human, the most special thing, and also a reminder that connection is out there, if not easy to find in a sustainable way.

 

 

This may sound strange, but I actually don't mind the "jab." When you go through periods within which you feel NOTHING, I've learned to appreciate that jab, as painful as it might be.

 

Like you said bc, at least you know you're human and that you're capable of connecting and actually "feeling" something!

 

Which again if you've ever gone through periods wherein you don't think you're capable of feeling anything, that "jab" can feel quite comforting.

 

At least it is for me, and as weird as this might sound, I've even learned to embrace it.

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Sorry about this.

 

I know it stings. But also? You saw the red flag and had it confirmed, respectfully, in a pretty quick window. You didn't have to play hide and seek with the red flag, and really got thrown around, which is what a lot of people spend whole relationships doing.

 

I've been in your shoes, been in her shoes. Both suck.

 

Feel the jab—that's your heart reminding you that you're human, the most special thing, and also a reminder that connection is out there, if not easy to find in a sustainable way. If it was, there'd be no sites like this.

 

But wish her well and move forward.

 

That is very true what you said.

I can't say I like the feeling of the jab right now. I keeps thinking about her and have all the "what-ifs" in my head at the moment, but I'm sure they will be gone after a day or two.

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This may sound strange, but I actually don't mind the "jab." When you go through periods within which you feel NOTHING, I've learned to appreciate that jab, as painful as it might be.

 

Like you said bc, at least you know you're human and that you're capable of connecting and actually "feeling" something!

 

Which again if you've ever gone through periods wherein you don't think you're capable of feeling anything, that "jab" can feel quite comforting.

 

At least it is for me, and as weird as this might sound, I've even learned to embrace it.

 

I admire how you've learned to embrace it.

But how do you overcome the stinks from the jabs? Do they not keep you feeling low?

Say you feel nothing for awhile, then something comes along but turns out to be a jab, so you're back to nothing, and then another jab comes along.

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That is very true what you said.

I can't say I like the feeling of the jab right now. I keeps thinking about her and have all the "what-ifs" in my head at the moment, but I'm sure they will be gone after a day or two.

 

Yeah, I hear you. I am a master of the "what-ifs," can live off them in a suspended state if I'm not careful. But really they're just part of the healing. You spin around in those for a while, but when none of them click you realize that it all is what it is. Sadness, but also life. You kind of exhaust yourself, and from that exhaustion you rest, and heal.

 

You got this. There's better on the horizon, for sure, and some lessons here.

 

Oh, speaking of those lessons and implementing them in the future. Last Dec I went on a nice date with a woman when I was 2 months out of a 3 year thing. I was in NO PLACE, dizzy with emotion, but, you know, it happened. We had a great time, planned on another date. Then she ghosted. I can't say why, but if I had to bet it's because of when I let it slip that I was two months out of something. For her: no, no—no matter what she thought of me.

 

There was a slight sting, but I respect that woman in my mind. I think SHE taught me something just then, both because I didn't date again for 6 months and because it was kind of awesome seeing someone who knew her boundaries. If I was single and in the same city today, I'd likely take the risk of reaching back out, being actually ready.

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are you sure you need to stop seeing her? maybe you guys can just take it slow?

 

But she already sent me a message saying she doesn't think she's ready to date?

That would definitely be a better scenario if it works, but I think I would be worried most of the time on when she might realize she's not ready all along and she's in a rebound relationship?

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I admire how you've learned to embrace it.

But how do you overcome the stinks from the jabs? Do they not keep you feeling low?

 

Of course I feel low, I mean that’s the “jab,” right? The pain, that low feeling. I just don’t allow it to devastate me, instead I embrace it.

 

Why? Because I’ve been through periods wherein I wasn’t sure I was capable of feeling anything. I felt numb, about people, about life. Meh, ho hum (i.e. depression).

 

Not sure if you’re ever experienced that so perhaps you can’t relate, but if given the choice, I would much rather feel the jab (the pain, the low feeling) than nothing at all.

 

Fortunately, those jabs don't come along too often, and I suppose if all I ever felt were jabs, I might feel differently.

 

But I also feel love, happiness, joy, compassion and all sorts of other emotions, good and bad, positive and negative and embrace all of them, it's called living! And I wouldn't have it any other way. :D

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Yeah, I hear you. I am a master of the "what-ifs," can live off them in a suspended state if I'm not careful. But really they're just part of the healing. You spin around in those for a while, but when none of them click you realize that it all is what it is. Sadness, but also life. You kind of exhaust yourself, and from that exhaustion you rest, and heal.

 

You got this. There's better on the horizon, for sure, and some lessons here.

 

Oh, speaking of those lessons and implementing them in the future. Last Dec I went on a nice date with a woman when I was 2 months out of a 3 year thing. I was in NO PLACE, dizzy with emotion, but, you know, it happened. We had a great time, planned on another date. Then she ghosted. I can't say why, but if I had to bet it's because of when I let it slip that I was two months out of something. For her: no, no—no matter what she thought of me.

 

There was a slight sting, but I respect that woman in my mind. I think SHE taught me something just then, both because I didn't date again for 6 months and because it was kind of awesome seeing someone who knew her boundaries. If I was single and in the same city today, I'd likely take the risk of reaching back out, being actually ready.

 

Thanks for sharing your experiences. It's good to know I'm not the only one who has all these "what-ifs", they are horrible indeed.

If I'm honest I do feel a little bit pathetic for having all these thoughts and feeling low, as we've only chatted and hung out for 3 weeks.

 

So I'm guessing, I shouldn't contact her anymore and let this fade away?

No point to call and speak to her to clear the air?

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But she already sent me a message saying she doesn't think she's ready to date?

That would definitely be a better scenario if it works, but I think I would be worried most of the time on when she might realize she's not ready all along and she's in a rebound relationship?

 

oh booo. Sorry, I missed that important sentence! Did you write back to her?

 

Maybe you can say something light like "thanks for letting me know, maybe in the future, if we are both single, we can meet up for dinner or a drink?" and then the ball is in her court to pick things back up.

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Of course I feel low, I mean that’s the “jab,” right? The pain, that low feeling. I just don’t allow it to devastate me, instead I embrace it.

 

Why? Because I’ve been through periods wherein I wasn’t sure I was capable of feeling anything. I felt numb, about people, about life. Meh, ho hum (i.e. depression).

 

Not sure if you’re ever experienced that so perhaps you can’t relate, but if given the choice, I would much rather feel the jab (the pain, the low feeling) than nothing at all.

 

Fortunately, those jabs don't come along too often, and I suppose if all I ever felt were jabs, I might feel differently.

 

But I also feel love, happiness, joy, compassion and all sorts of other emotions, good and bad, positive and negative and embrace all of them, it's called living! And I wouldn't have it any other way. :D

 

I think I can relate to you and understand where you're coming from.

I do feel positive about life in general. I'm happy with all aspects of my life. I just wish I'm more "successive" in the relationship business haha.

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Thanks for sharing your experiences. It's good to know I'm not the only one who has all these "what-ifs", they are horrible indeed.

 

More weirdness for ya blacktea, I don't find "what ifs" horrible at all! "What ifs" remind me of "what's possible." What could have been possible and what still might be possible.

 

It's all in how you view things -- positively or negatively. Timing is not good at this moment, but who knows what the future holds, whether it be with this woman or another woman.

 

It's all a learning process and a journey. Why not embrace the journey? Versus focusing your energy on the negativity of jabs and what ifs?

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More weirdness for ya blacktea, I don't find "what ifs" horrible at all! "What ifs" remind me of "what's possible." What could have been possible and what still might be possible.

 

It's all in how you view things -- positively or negatively. Timing is not good at this moment, but who knows what the future holds, whether it be with this woman or another woman.

 

It's all a learning process and a journey. Why not embrace the journey? Versus focusing your energy on the negativity of jabs and what ifs?

 

That is weird indeed haha, because all the "what ifs" are hurting my head right now.

 

I do look forward to the future, this girl showed me that my type of girls are out there and I hope I'll encounter one of them at some point.

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oh booo. Sorry, I missed that important sentence! Did you write back to her?

 

Maybe you can say something light like "thanks for letting me know, maybe in the future, if we are both single, we can meet up for dinner or a drink?" and then the ball is in her court to pick things back up.

 

I did reply to her, saying I understand, and I hope we will meet again at some point in the future.

 

She read the message but she's not reply to me.

I wish I had send your suggested reply to her, it is more clear and direct than mines.

Made me wonder if I should send her another message, or would that be too much?

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Maybe tell her while you really enjoy her dates, maybe she could call you when she feels ready to date. In the meantime, don't wait for her.

 

So I did reply to her already saying I understand and I hope we will meet again at some point in the future.

Do you think I should send her another message to make it clear?

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I did reply to her, saying I understand, and I hope we will meet again at some point in the future.

 

She read the message but she's not reply to me.

I wish I had send your suggested reply to her, it is more clear and direct than mines.

Made me wonder if I should send her another message, or would that be too much?

 

Too much. Let this go.

 

Honestly, it sounds a bit like you were ready to let her go, but now that she did it for you..... Just let it go. You don't really know her enough to be so invested anyway.

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