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Thread: Great dates. One red flag

  1. #1
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    Great dates. One red flag

    Hi everyone, some of you might remember me as I've posted here for some advice few months ago.
    I've been doing well until today, so I'm going to share it with you guys and hope to hear you guys' perspectives.

    I've met a girl a few weeks back online, the initial chats went smoothly and we agreed to go on a date.
    The first date went great, she's exactly what i expected and we were both interested on each other.
    First date led to the second, and then the third date two days ago, with some messages in between.

    And here's the deal breaker, during the third date I asked about her past relationships as I felt it's the right time.
    She then told me that she broke up her 3 years relationship with her ex boyfriend just 2 months ago, and more importantly, it was her ex boyfriend who initiated the breakup, out of the blue.
    Instantly I thought that's a red flag in my head, as that's too soon to go on dates for a potential serious relationship.
    I didn't tell her that and I just mentioned that her breakup was quite recent.
    She replied saying she was sad indeed, but she had went through the grieving, and her work had kept her busy so she felt that she's ready to date now.

    After the date, the thought of the red flag been going through my mind all day yesterday and today.
    I know I should stop seeing her as it won't lead to a healthy relationship long term, but at the same time, she's a great girl, I fancy her as she's "ticked so many boxes". I know no one is perfect, no on is "the one", but I thought she could be it, so I've debated for awhile if I should say something.

    Until today, she messaged me saying shes been thinking and she feel that she's not ready to date.
    She has been going through the stuff that she has kept in the bags when she moved out from the place she shared with her ex, it's been two months and it's the first time that she started go through them. She says she still has a lot of emotions and feelings to go through, and hope I understand where shes coming from.

    I'm trying to be rational and realistic to analyze the whole experience/situation, but my heart and my emotional side made me feel low right now.
    I just feel like it's a shame, I feel sad that it didn't work out.
    It's only been 3/4 weeks and 3 dates, I know I shouldn't feel so emotional, but here I am right now.

    Anyone here been through a similar situation?
    Please feel free to share your perspectives.

  2. #2
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    I've done that to several guys. Believe her. She's not ready. LTR and living together, she is the dumpee. She's probably is a great girl, but not great for anything long term. Not right now. I'm sorry you're hurt, at least you didn't invest a great deal of time into her and then have her say that.

    Best thing to do is to say you enjoyed meeting her, and wish her well.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by SweetGirl28
    I've done that to several guys. Believe her. She's not ready. LTR and living together, she is the dumpee. She's probably is a great girl, but not great for anything long term. Not right now. I'm sorry you're hurt, at least you didn't invest a great deal of time into her and then have her say that.

    Best thing to do is to say you enjoyed meeting her, and wish her well.
    Hey SweetGirl28,

    Yeh I totally agree with you, that's why I wasn't sure about the whole thing anymore when I learnt about her recent breakup.
    2 months out from a 3 years relationship is too soon right?

    I know I've not known her long enough to know what she is really like as a person, so I shouldn't feel hurt at all.
    But I just feel... gutted?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member katrina1980's Avatar
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    I've done it too; after my LTR (six years) ended in Dec 2015 I jumped into another RL in late Feb 2016 (2 months later). I thought I was ready but I had simply buried the pain, so one month into it, I ended it.

    For the next 7-8 months, I went through periods where I didn’t date at all to casually dated.

    Often times, ideally we think we’re ready, but when faced with the reality of entering into another RL, we realize we’re not.

    Please understand it’s not intentional, she didn’t "string you along," like some tend to believe. It’s just the nature of the beast.

    For me, I know better than to get involved with a man so soon out of LTR, I just won’t do it, which is what I would advise anyone facing the same situation.

    I'm sorry you're hurting, but maybe lesson learnt for next time?

    Time heals.

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    Originally Posted by blacktea
    Hey SweetGirl28,

    Yeh I totally agree with you, that's why I wasn't sure about the whole thing anymore when I learnt about her recent breakup.
    2 months out from a 3 years relationship is too soon right?

    I know I've not known her long enough to know what she is really like as a person, so I shouldn't feel hurt at all.
    But I just feel... gutted?

    Way too soon! She needs at least a year to feel okay. If two people are upfront with intentions, and are okay with being casual, then it's fine. But when one wants more, or truly feels dating is causing more pain, you have to walk away.

    You liked what you saw and she ticked boxes! So you were hopeful. It's okay to feel the way you do :)

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about this.

    I know it stings. But also? You saw the red flag and had it confirmed, respectfully, in a pretty quick window. You didn't have to play hide and seek with the red flag, and really got thrown around, which is what a lot of people spend whole relationships doing.

    I've been in your shoes, been in her shoes. Both suck.

    Feel the jab—that's your heart reminding you that you're human, the most special thing, and also a reminder that connection is out there, if not easy to find in a sustainable way. If it was, there'd be no sites like this.

    But wish her well and move forward.

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    Yeah she needs at least a year min to be at an acceptable place to date. Two months is nothing really and she'd be rebounding hard.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member katrina1980's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle

    Feel the jab—that's your heart reminding you that you're human, the most special thing, and also a reminder that connection is out there, if not easy to find in a sustainable way.
    This may sound strange, but I actually don't mind the "jab." When you go through periods within which you feel NOTHING, I've learned to appreciate that jab, as painful as it might be.

    Like you said bc, at least you know you're human and that you're capable of connecting and actually "feeling" something!

    Which again if you've ever gone through periods wherein you don't think you're capable of feeling anything, that "jab" can feel quite comforting.

    At least it is for me, and as weird as this might sound, I've even learned to embrace it.

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry about this.

    I know it stings. But also? You saw the red flag and had it confirmed, respectfully, in a pretty quick window. You didn't have to play hide and seek with the red flag, and really got thrown around, which is what a lot of people spend whole relationships doing.

    I've been in your shoes, been in her shoes. Both suck.

    Feel the jab—that's your heart reminding you that you're human, the most special thing, and also a reminder that connection is out there, if not easy to find in a sustainable way. If it was, there'd be no sites like this.

    But wish her well and move forward.
    That is very true what you said.
    I can't say I like the feeling of the jab right now. I keeps thinking about her and have all the "what-ifs" in my head at the moment, but I'm sure they will be gone after a day or two.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    This may sound strange, but I actually don't mind the "jab." When you go through periods within which you feel NOTHING, I've learned to appreciate that jab, as painful as it might be.

    Like you said bc, at least you know you're human and that you're capable of connecting and actually "feeling" something!

    Which again if you've ever gone through periods wherein you don't think you're capable of feeling anything, that "jab" can feel quite comforting.

    At least it is for me, and as weird as this might sound, I've even learned to embrace it.
    I admire how you've learned to embrace it.
    But how do you overcome the stinks from the jabs? Do they not keep you feeling low?
    Say you feel nothing for awhile, then something comes along but turns out to be a jab, so you're back to nothing, and then another jab comes along.

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