Can an engagement make someone stop cheating?

So, a friend has been dating this guy for 4 years. He’s cheated on her since they started dating. They went away on a long vacation together and came back engaged. Come to find out, he cheated on her two weeks before their trip. He said the engagement changed him and he’s ready to be faithful. While it’s not my relationship, can people really change like that? Serial cheater then magically faithful, loving partner overnight? I’m so skeptical. I’m just concerned she’ll go through with marrying him, he’ll go back to bad habits, and she’s hurt.

BAD IDEA. It will just mean he will continue to cheat -- because if he puts a ring on it, she is more likely to stick around while he cheats. I would stay out of your friend's life and let her make her own decisions. But i would say "why not wait to get married -- so that you can see how the next couple years go - if he has really changed"

Just think about it.... if marriage doesn't stop people cheating, what makes anyone think that getting engaged will stop him cheating. Ridiculous. People who want to cheat, WILL cheat, no matter what the situation.

Probably not!!.... Serial cheaters are a whole different ball game to your run off the mill single incident cheater.

My ex cheated before getting engaged, after getting engaged, after having children and buying a house together and once she hit middle age it got a hell of a lot worse. Over 10 times.

A serial cheater is basically a narcissist and I've heard many stories of them getting engaged soon after an incident of infidelity, to stop the person who they are feeding off leave them. I was in the same boat .... My ex pushed for two months for me to propose to her after I caught her cheating. 6 months later I found her having another affair with my best friend since childhood. Your story seems to follow a predictable pattern when it comes to serial cheaters.

Tell your friend to join an infidelity support group on face book and see exactly what her life will be like. There's so many people who were like me and kept hanging in there time after time, thinking they will change and wasted the best years of their life.

The old saying once a cheater always a cheater carries a lot of weight when someone cheats more than once. It's a pattern that rarely stops.

How are you finding out all these events while she's apparently in the dark?

How are you finding out all these events while she's apparently in the dark?

She’s not in the dark. She’s the one who told me. She believes it’ll change because they’re doing good.

Lol of course he went change. This is who he is, he has awful character and that won't ever go away. She needs to get rid of him.

Oh, she needs to be in therapy. So does he, but whatever. F him.

Somewhere under here might be a question about whether she really minds his cheating, whether she wants to be more sexually open in a relationship, because really that's what she's been in for a while now. If she's okay with THAT, well, then enter an open marriage or a marriage that openly allows one partner to have sex with other people.

But that's probably for the academics. She's putting up with this for very complicated psychological reasons that she needs some help unpacking. She's in pain and looking for the source of her pain to heal her with a ring. Good story, but not reality.

Your friends life is her own and it’s not your place to decide what HER partner will and won’t do.

The only two people who know their relationship is them.

You can let her know you have your reservations but posting on an advice forum? Too much.

To be completely honest I have seen people stop cheating once they got married off also seen people start cheating after they got married. It’s up to HER whatbshe will and will not accept. Not you. You’re her friend and it’s up to you whether or not you will be a shoulder to cry on.

Your friends life is her own and it’s not your place to decide what HER partner will and won’t do.

 

The only two people who know their relationship is them.

 

You can let her know you have your reservations but posting on an advice forum? Too much.

 

To be completely honest I have seen people stop cheating once they got married off also seen people start cheating after they got married. It’s up to HER whatbshe will and will not accept. Not you. You’re her friend and it’s up to you whether or not you will be a shoulder to cry on.

I think you’re being a little harsh. It’s called caring about a friend and not wanting to see them get hurt.

She’s not in the dark. She’s the one who told me. She believes it’ll change because they’re doing good.

My guess is that if she knows he's a repeat offender, she's fine with it so long as he comes home to her, whether or not she tells you as much.

Eh, if she's dealt with him for 4 years and has been overall, ok with his cheating, I guess nothing will change. I've heard some more jaded women say things like "all husbands cheat, the good ones just don't let you find out about it." Maybe he makes her happy, despite his wanderings??

Four years of this and she knows all about it? Honestly, you need to accept that your friend deep down is OK with this situation. Some people actually are. Since it's not socially acceptable to be OK with it, sure they may dance the "woe is me, will he stop" dance, but in reality....it's a long standing and mutually acceptable arrangement between them. Somewhere, for her, the benefits outweigh the risks and that's that.

You would be wise to smile politely and change topics. Don't get involved and keep what you think about it to yourself.

She’s not in the dark. She’s the one who told me. She believes it’ll change because they’re doing good.

What a fool she is.

I would tell her while you love her as a friend, and want her to be happy, you won't be attending the wedding to stand by and know that she is marrying someone who won't be faithful. Maybe you don't have to say that unless things look like they are moving forward with an actual wedding, but that's what i would do myself. She is merely being distracted by a shiny bauble

Here's some knowledge someone threw at me recently:

The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

From my own experience, my ex cheated on me before we got engaged, though I didn't find out until after we started getting divorced. She cheated on me during the marriage too. It will never end. People willing to cheat and somehow say they still love you, they;ve changed, etc. They only care about themselves. Some people cheat when they're truly done with a relationship, but the worst kind of cheaters are those that stick around acting like they care. Just my opinion.

Just think about it.... if marriage doesn't stop people cheating, what makes anyone think that getting engaged will stop him cheating. Ridiculous. People who want to cheat, WILL cheat, no matter what the situation.

Truth.

.....

Four years of this and she knows all about it? Honestly, you need to accept that your friend deep down is OK with this situation. Some people actually are. Since it's not socially acceptable to be OK with it, sure they may dance the "woe is me, will he stop" dance, but in reality....it's a long standing and mutually acceptable arrangement between them. Somewhere, for her, the benefits outweigh the risks and that's that.

 

You would be wise to smile politely and change topics. Don't get involved and keep what you think about it to yourself.

For sure. This is what your friend is about. These are her priorities. All you can do is adjust your expectations of her and how you relate to her accordingly.

Personally I'd distance myself from a friend like this. Nothing sudden, just fade into less and less.

Marriage is only a piece of paper, it takes actual loyalty, faithfulness, immense love, trust, etc to make any relationship work, including marriage.

By the sounds of it they don't have a whole lot of any of those things, getting married won't change it.

She needs as be asking herself why she stays with a man who does not love her, is not loyal and could potentially be giving her an STD. I hope she get's checked regularly.

Then let it be. She knows what she's getting into. Are you envious of her engagement?

She’s not in the dark. She’s the one who told me. She believes it’ll change because they’re doing good.

The proposal should an cumulative desire that has secretly stretched out over months or years.

I'm not sure how his two second proposal could have much affect on thousands of hours of deceit.

Can an engagement make someone stop cheating?

Probably not. It's more likely an appeasement.

I’m so skeptical. I’m just concerned she’ll go through with marrying him, he’ll go back to bad habits, and she’s hurt.

I'd tread carefully. The more you badmouth the BF, the more of a wedge you'll create between yourself and the friend while cementing her into a Romeo and Juliet mindset that casts her and the BF as 'together against the world". Skip that. Let friend play out her fantasies, avoid showering support for what you don't support, but instead of 'telling' her what she doesn't 'see,' ask careful questions along that way that enable the friend to hear herself speak her own answers.

Any observations voiced by you are 'wrong'. Not because you're actually wrong, but because you are the one saying them. So don't do that. Stay on friend's side while allowing her to navigate her own business. If she starts to dump complaints on you without doing anything to fix them, skip that, too. Tell friend, "I adore you, and I want your happiness more than anything. If you keep telling me bad stuff about BF, it will only make me dislike him and wonder why you stay with him. So how about if we discuss anything else in the world unless you decide that there's something that I can actually do to help you. If that's ever the case, then I'm all ears."

You're a good friend.

So, a friend has been dating this guy for 4 years. He’s cheated on her since they started dating. They went away on a long vacation together and came back engaged. Come to find out, he cheated on her two weeks before their trip. He said the engagement changed him and he’s ready to be faithful. While it’s not my relationship, can people really change like that? Serial cheater then magically faithful, loving partner overnight? I’m so skeptical. I’m just concerned she’ll go through with marrying him, he’ll go back to bad habits, and she’s hurt.

He'll probably cheat more, because he knows that she has accepted his engagement despite his cheating in the past.

And yeah, as a friend, there's not much you can do but be a shoulder for her to cry on when she gets hurt again. Because if you push her away now she probably wont come back our of shame. Since she has told you a lot, you may have a window to voice your opinion - that you don't think he will change the way she thinks he will - but that window may already be closed depending on how long ago you discussed it.

He has no reason to stop cheating, given how long she's tolerated it and even agreed to marry him.

So no, he won't change.