Lost passion in 18 year relationship

I’m 41 and in an 18 year relationship with my partner, who is 42. I don’t know when it happened, but the passion, intimacy and connection has faded. I don’t know if this is a lull in the relationship or if it has simply run its course. I’m worried I’m staying with him out of fear of being alone and starting over, as well as hurting him. I feel like we’re roommates, and don’t go to him to talk about important things anymore. I get irritated very easily, and am not attracted to him. He is very loving and kind and a great man and I do love him, it’s just changed. I’m afraid to talk to him about this. I’m writing less for advice (I know I need to talk to a professional about this and have set up an appointment) but I want to hear from anyone who has experienced this too. I am so full of guilt and shame. What’s wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you at all.

But, yes, this happens.

I think the only way to see if there's another chapter here is to do the very thing you're "afraid" to do, which is talk to him. Reading between the lines, it sounds like this is a relationship with real communication issues. Communication, really, is the bedrock of intimacy and the only way it can continue to expand. Yeah, early on, sex can be a shortcut, a way of communicating without, well, communicating, much like just hanging out and watching Netflix can be a shortcut. But if it those things don't coexist with communication, even just hanging out, let alone sex, becomes its own pressurized world. Hence that irritated feeling you have—you're not feeling seen and heard, loving guy he may be.

Great about the therapist. That's a good way to pinpoint some of the roots to this, and also to figure out how to broach it. I don't know about your man, but couple's counseling is also great. Me, I live for my therapist, and generally now date people who feel the same way. It makes talking easier, and demystifies the idea that going to therapy together means your at wits end. If he's the sort of loving guy you describe, he'd love to understand you better. But, for that, you have to show him more of who you are.

Thank you so much for that!

Yes you Must talk to him about your feelings of apathy and uninterest. I've been married for four decades and you have to give your LIFE partner the opportunity to remedy when there is a blip going on in your union. You most likely will have to come up with ways in which he can remedy (so be prepared and know what it is you want/need) because he is probably not even having a clue that you're going through this.

No one wants a conversation at the dinner table that sounds like this: "Pass the potatoes please, by the way... I'm leaving you."

Good luck... I hope you can find your way back to that wonderful emotional connection you shared with him once.

When is the last time you were attracted to him? (It helps to think in terms of the last event or milestone you can remember as being happy and in love.)

What major change or event happened after that time that made you angry with him?

When is the last time you were attracted to him? (It helps to think in terms of the last event or milestone you can remember as being happy and in love.)

 

What major change or event happened after that time that made you angry with him?

It hurts to say this but I don’t remember the last time I was attracted to him physically. And I don’t necessarily feel angry with him - that would almost feel better! I feel disconnected and annoyed, like the way you would become annoyed with a roommate.

There is another component to this. We both make just enough money to get by, and splitting up would mean both of us would have to move in with roommates. I feel terrible about the emotional pain I would cause, and it would be salt in the wound that I caused us to radically change lifestyles.