Need help understanding what my role is

My daughter is engaged to a very nice man who has two children. She is the parent of a 7 year old, and I love them all dearly.

I live about 3 1/2 hours away, so I don't get the opportunity to see them very often.

As some of you already know, I do not work (due to health reasons) and receive no money of any kind. My job is taking care of

my elderly father 24/7 and he in turn takes care of all my financial needs. He is not a rich man but does okay.

We also give financial assistance to my brother who is unable to pay some of his medical bills.

I try my best to stay on a budget, but life happens and unexpected expenses have been "breaking the bank".

Here is where I need some advice. I try to support my grandson's school fundraisers as much as I can. However, my daughter told

me, (she did not ask me), that I needed to support her fiancee's children's fundraisers as well, because it looks like I am ignoring them

and their feelings are hurt. She added that the girl's grandmother contributes to my grandson's fundraisers, so I should too.

I told her I thought it was very nice of Ms. Renee to support my grandson's fundraisers, and would try to do my best.

The truth is, she is not aware of how hard I try to stick to a budget and I don't have my own money. She has no idea of my medical

expenses or that we are even helping her uncle.

I do buy the girls presents for their birthday's and at Christmas. And now, it seems like she is guilt-tripping me into supporting fundraisers

for all three kids!

As much as I would LOVE, really LOVE to be of more help financially, I can't be, and it makes me sad.

I don't know how to respond to her requests. Please advise.

Give them a small token amount, whatever seems affordable to you. It may help stave off this recurring issue: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=548899&p=6979067&viewfull=1#post6979067

I agree with your daughter.

I think you should buy a $4 box of cookies or a $10 packet or wrapping paper when they have a fundraiser. His kids are her kids now. If you are on a budget, then cut back and don't go overboard on the 7 year old (don't be the Grandma that buys $100 in stuff). Surely, if your dad is only physically ailing and is not mentally compromised, I am sure if you told him the great-grandkids were selling candy or something and its something he enoyed, he wouldn't object you to buying something for him and contributing.

Also, what about getting the word out in the neighborhood that for a small fee you will bring in mail, water plants, change which lights are on to make it look like they are home, feed the fish or cat for a small fee while they are gone. I would assume you could leave your dad for 15 minutes to walk up the block while he is asleep or if a nurse comes in occasionally for medical stuff so you have more disposable money. I think you NEED a *little* of your own money. If you have health issues that make you not work, are you on disability?

Why not just be honest with your daughter about your situation?

Why not just be honest with your daughter about your situation?

That would only fly for me if you still treated the kids equally -- didn't pay $50 for the 7 year old's fundraiser and claimed poverty for the others. Ask "what are all the fundraisers coming up" and if she says "candy, wrapping paper, pies" -- "oh i could use some wrapping paper. How about i pick that one and then can afford to do it for all the kids". you don't have to participate in every single thing --- but you can't just go gung ho on the 7 year old and not the others...

Your father won't help you pay for small token gifts for his own granddaughter or her kids/ bf's kids? Isn't "taking care of all your financial needs" also having some pocket money for giving small gifts to small kids?

Do not present your daughter with a sob story about your or your father's poverty when there is clearly enough to support you and your bother's problems in addition to himself. If you resent your daughter or her situation or on moral grounds don't want to contribute then reflect and be honest with yourself. But perpetuating a stand-off against her bf's kids for a few bucks is more stress than it's worth, no?

my elderly father 24/7 and he in turn takes care of all my financial needs. He is not a rich man but does okay.

That would only fly for me if you still treated the kids equally -- didn't pay $50 for the 7 year old's fundraiser and claimed poverty for the others. Ask "what are all the fundraisers coming up" and if she says "candy, wrapping paper, pies" -- "oh i could use some wrapping paper. How about i pick that one and then can afford to do it for all the kids". you don't have to participate in every single thing --- but you can't just go gung ho on the 7 year old and not the others...

I agree. These are kids and now the daughter’s kids too. If you can only contribute to one don’t contribute to anybody .

I agree. These are kids and now the daughter’s kids too. If you can only contribute to one don’t contribute to anybody .

Yes. My advice would be, if you can't contribute to them all, then contribute to no one. It's not fair to pick one grandchild to favor.

Didn't you already post this question? Do you feel you received bad advice last time? Or has something changed in the past couple of months?

BTW

My son has a step grandpa and my son is the light of his life. He considers me his daughter and he met me when I was 25.

My son has a step grandpa and my son is the light of his life. He considers me his daughter and he met me when I was 25.

every kid deserves people that are crazy about them.

Yes. My advice would be, if you can't contribute to them all, then contribute to no one. It's not fair to pick one grandchild to favor.

I agree. I understand there can be a lot of fundraisers. Maybe contribute once to each child. Don't cause division amongst kids.

every kid deserves people that are crazy about them.

Absolutely.

.....

I agree. I understand there can be a lot of fundraisers. Maybe contribute once to each child. Don't cause division amongst kids.

That is a good compromise. Once per year per kid.

Your daughter has a point that all kids have to be treated equally. However, you also need to be honest with her about your financial situation. Which in your case may well mean that you simply don't contribute at all to any of them or only contribute $10/each or some such, assuming you can do that much. Really, be honest with your daughter about what's going on with you so she doesn't think you are being mean or cheap or whatever. Sit down and have an adult conversation, so that there is no growing resentment for lack of knowledge.

I woudn't have a problem if she is asking for $10 - per child. Just a month ago, she wanted me to buy $100 worth of raffle tickets for my grandson, and reminded

me to also buy for the other two. Well, I simply told her I couldn't afford it. But I still wanted to do something. So, the next fundraiser was buying cookies from my

grandson to help raise money for the school. I bought a box which cost $28.

Abitbroken, I live over 3 hours away from them......I do not receive any financial assistance. I think you advice of "one per child" is a much better solution to my problem.

I woudn't have a problem if she is asking for $10 - per child. Just a month ago, she wanted me to buy $100 worth of raffle tickets for my grandson, and reminded

me to also buy for the other two. Well, I simply told her I couldn't afford it. But I still wanted to do something. So, the next fundraiser was buying cookies from my

grandson to help raise money for the school. I bought a box which cost $28.

Abitbroken, I live over 3 hours away from them......I do not receive any financial assistance. I think you advice of "one per child" is a much better solution to my problem.

If your daughter is asking you for that kind of an expenditure, she is obviously completely oblivious to your financial situation and just telling her you can't afford isn't enough and can be taken the wrong way. Why can't you be honest with her?

I woudn't have a problem if she is asking for $10 - per child. Just a month ago, she wanted me to buy $100 worth of raffle tickets for my grandson, and reminded

me to also buy for the other two. Well, I simply told her I couldn't afford it. But I still wanted to do something. So, the next fundraiser was buying cookies from my

grandson to help raise money for the school. I bought a box which cost $28.

Abitbroken, I live over 3 hours away from them......I do not receive any financial assistance. I think you advice of "one per child" is a much better solution to my problem.

Okay -- then why are you not receiving any financial assistance/disability if you are too unhealthy to work like you say you are -- but actually you are if dad is paying all your bills.

Just be honest with your daughter about your situation.

I'd start by negotiating with Dad some small salary or allowance for your work to avoid needless negotiations over every small spend. From there, split your annual budget for grandson into 3. Then move some of their Christmas and birthday money into fundraiser spending, and buy one of the cheapest things from each. However, if the fundraising is more than once a year, I'd tell daughter that you can only afford one, unless she wants more money taken out of the kids' Christmas and birthday budget.

I would NOT go into details about where your father chooses to spend HIS money or speak of any other household spending in any way. It's none of her business, it's manipulative and it stirs up trouble in order to shift responsibility for your own spending onto your father. NObody will appreciate that.

Either you and Dad can work out an agreement for your own spending to become your own business, or not, but if not, then that's the crux of the problem, not daughter. I can appreciate that you're frequently incensed by daughter, but I'd be careful not to make my own negotiating responsibilities into a problem that I project onto her.