At my wits end with my boss.

So back to this again. Boss giving me hassle and constantly on my case even though I’m trying my best and tbh just totally losing my enthusiasm for my work. It’s at the point where I go home after work sometimes and just cry my eyes out. The important deadline is over but he’s still being horrible.

Today he was giving me the third degree via email saying how I made a mess of something that everyone else did fine. And asked my Why? At the end of it.

We actually agreed at the time I would do that differently but I still made a mistake. Sorry for being human! It took me all my effort to calm myself down and talk to him about it instead of emailing back in the same negative tone.

Then he sent a group email out asking some of my colleagues to send me details of the drawings that contain the model I made because I “failed to do x, y and z” so I will be updating the drawings. I sent a few of my friends the email asking if I was being oversensitive or if he was being out of line by naming and shaming my mistakes to other team members. They all said I need to go to HR.

I feel like I’m putting more energy into getting over what feels like a regular stream of crap from him, than my actual work. I go home and spend time I should be relaxing and enjoying myself trying to recover from how stressed, angry and hurt I feel from working with him.

CV will be updated tomorrow, will ask HR if there are any suitable jobs going in different departments, still wondering if I should tell them why. I also asked my psychiatrist if I can focus my next session on how to respond to him and reduce work related stress which SUCKS!!! I’m paying my hard earned money to have somebody coach me how to handle this A hole when I should be focusing on the actual stuff I wanted to see her about in the first place.

Just needed to get that off my chest. I feel like if I don’t start venting about this stuff I will snap and make a big embarrassing scene sometime at work. Just so tired of him.

I hear you. Thing is that learning how to deal with Grade A aholes is always money and effort well spent, simply because the world is full of them. Developing a "don't tread on me" demeanor you can turn on and off as needed is a skill well worth cultivating and mastering. This time it's your boss, next time it may be a coworker and so on.

The trouble with some types of aholes is that they are clever. In this case, complaining to HR that he called you out on your mistake will get you exactly nowhere. Since you made an error, he is well within rights, even if he is being insensitive (read that as clever deliberate ahole, but can't get in trouble for it).

Keep in mind also, the sometimes companies, bosses will hound you like that because they actually want you to quit rather than fire you. It's a sneaky and underhanded approach, but again, usually done in a way that there is nothing illegal about it and nothing you can prove.

Dusting off your CV and finding another job may well be the correct solution here. Oh and be sure you leave with a smile and tell him he is the best boss you've ever had and you've learned so much because he pushed you so hard to be better. Two can be clever and slimy. Besides, you never know who might ask him for a reference even privately, so make it difficult for him to badmouth you.

Sorry you're going through this. Your boss is probably picking on you, but you do need to develop a thicker skin. Here's a Forbes article giving you some advice. https://www.forbes.com/sites/alizalicht/2017/05/04/7-ways-to-develop-a-thick-skin-in-the-office/#6c9411a26ee8

Yup time for a new job.

Ugh, this brings back memories of the not-to-distant past. I recently had a boss like this. It is draining, ESPECIALLY when you know they are being unreasonable because you can't argue with crazy. I ended up going over his head, to one of the principals of the firm. BUT, my circumstances were a little different because my company has no HR department. Also, the project I was on was being mismanaged both by him and the PM. I was a new hire and I didn't want the blame passed onto me. I'm just telling you this because it's generally not advisable to go above your boss's head, to their boss. But in my case, I felt that I had no choice. I asked the principal if I could be transferred to a different PM/principal and eventually I got my wish.

Today he was giving me the third degree via email saying how I made a mess of something that everyone else did fine. And asked my Why? At the end of it.

That is like a parent scolding a child. Or a dog. He is treating you like an inferior.

Then he sent a group email out asking some of my colleagues to send me details of the drawings that contain the model I made because I “failed to do x, y and z” so I will be updating the drawings. I sent a few of my friends the email asking if I was being oversensitive or if he was being out of line by naming and shaming my mistakes to other team members. They all said I need to go to HR.

Basically humiliating you in front of your peers.

CV will be updated tomorrow, will ask HR if there are any suitable jobs going in different departments, still wondering if I should tell them why.

By all means, tell them! Document the things that have been happening. Vent on here, vent in a journal. Then put it in a letter and deliver it to your HR department. I'm sure the people on this forum can help you wrap your head around this.

I feel like I’m putting more energy into getting over what feels like a regular stream of crap from him, than my actual work. I go home and spend time I should be relaxing and enjoying myself trying to recover from how stressed, angry and hurt I feel from working with him.

I sooooooooooo know what this is like.

Just needed to get that off my chest. I feel like if I don’t start venting about this stuff I will snap and make a big embarrassing scene sometime at work. Just so tired of him.

Like I said earlier, vent on here and get feedback so that you can compose a letter to your HR department.

Sorry you're going through this. Your boss is probably picking on you, but you do need to develop a thicker skin. Here's a Forbes article giving you some advice. https://www.forbes.com/sites/alizalicht/2017/05/04/7-ways-to-develop-a-thick-skin-in-the-office/#6c9411a26ee8

I think there's a difference between what Thornz has been experiencing with her boss, and simply working for a tough boss. Thornz's boss is making a mockery of her. Constructive criticism is fine, but her boss's criticism is demeaning and insulting and not constructive at all.

I think there's a difference between what Thornz has been experiencing with her boss, and simply working for a tough boss. Thornz's boss is making a mockery of her. Constructive criticism is fine, but her boss's criticism is demeaning and insulting and not constructive at all.

Are you sure? I don’t know her history about her work but I know other posts and it’s always came off she internalizes well everything.

Sometimes you do simply have to have a thick skin, especially in the public sector. She messed up and she admits that she did. I’ve messed up and gotten reamed by bosses before. You have to learn from it, eat crow and own it cause you messed up. We’re human and we make mistakes. It’s ok to take a hit when you mess up. If you can’t handle criticism it’s up to you to work on yourself, because being an adult in the world, criticism will happen.

I really think she should worry about working on her boundaries and self esteem with herself than wasting valuable therapy time on this issue.

You can’t change him. You can report his actions but taking it so personally? That’s within.

Yup, why I started my own business.

I think there's a difference between what Thornz has been experiencing with her boss, and simply working for a tough boss. Thornz's boss is making a mockery of her. Constructive criticism is fine, but her boss's criticism is demeaning and insulting and not constructive at all.

thornz, I 100% agree with Jibralta, and as such, am confused as to why you haven't gone to HR.

Are you in the U.S.? If so, there are labor laws that protect employees from this type of "abuse" and yes according the U.S. labor laws, the egregious way in which he criticizes you, humiliates you to and in front of other employees etc etc etc, is considered a type of emotional harassment.

HR needs to be advised of this NOW. Under the law they are required to provide a safe environment for you to work in, not one in which you are going home every night crying because of your boss's bullying and other egregious actions, the company as a whole is liable for his behavior, but they can't do anything about it if they don't become aware of it!

Please talk to them, again not sure why you haven't, I mean who can work under those conditions? It's horrible!! This goes ways beyond him simply being a "tough" boss, he is abusive (mentally), almost sounds sadistic from the way you have described it.

Then he sent a group email out asking some of my colleagues to send me details of the drawings that contain the model I made because I “failed to do x, y and z” so I will be updating the drawings.

This ^ , is this about fixing what needs fixing, and the reason is "x, y and z"? I gather it's a group project, so group input is requested at this point in order to keep it on track and make sure everyone is on the same page to get it done?

The better, less egregious, less humiliating way to have phrased that group email would have been "Please send thornz the details of the drawings, so she can update, thank you."

Not, thornz failed to do x, y, z, ugh!! In what workplace/world is humiliating your subordinate like that acceptable? That should have remained between thornz and him, only!

He needs to be disciplined for how he's treating you, he's placing the company at risk, and god forbid all this should result in your having some sort of a breakdown, it's been known to happen!!

It's a lawsuit waiting to happen; thornz again please speak to HR, they need to be made aware of this so they can fix it.

Oh dear...

I caught up on your ther posts about work....

Me personally...

I’d hold off on going to HR before you see your therapist about this.

This ^ , is this about fixing what needs fixing, and the reason is "x, y and z"? I gather it's a group project, so group input is requested at this point in order to keep it on track and make sure everyone is on the same page to get it done?

That’s also how I read it.

I wasn’t there though so maybe it was a direct criticism.

OPer I just really think you should think this through and make sure you aren’t just frustrated and personalizing this.

If after thinking itheough you believe he is hareassing you by all means report. But this isn’t something to make a knee jerk reaction about.

Maybe you just aren’t meant for this field.

My boss one time told me “isn’t it funny how my headache goes away whenever you stop talking?”

That kind of stuff is, IMO, clear abuse. Criticizing mistakes is murkier - so be sure to track when it IS personal.

I agree with those saying I need thicker skin, I am quite sensitive, however, I think his criticism is beyond what is typical and acceptable. I have had crappy bosses before, I’ve had an abusive boss before, I’ve had a boss who would lose his at me for no apparent reason. None made me feel like this!

Like Katrina said, he could have said in the email, could you all highlight the drawing numbers used with this model to Thornz, amendments need making. There was actually no reason for him to mention my mistake. It wasn’t something that others could learn from. It seemed he highlighted it purely to make a scene of it.

As some have said it’s one of those grey areas where its not easy to prove that he’s not simply criticising mistakes. He didnt use to be like this, he was actually too lenient initially imo. He has slowly got worse and worse, more aggressive, more critical, more nitpicky over time. His whole attitude and tone of voice is different.

I know he is like this with others but I feel I get the worst of it. I do feel like he is behaving like he wants me to leave by being such an A hole. He made somebody reprint their drawings for him to check the other day because it had a staple in and “the paper would get creased when he turned the page”. What a waste of paper!

FYI I’m in the UK, I don’t know what the laws are here, but as it has been pointed out without someone paying attention to his behaviour he could argue he was just doing his job. Apart from the last email. So I have one email. Hardly a big case file. Will probably feel a lot better when I have my CV on job sites.

So I went on the government website, found a leaflet about how to recognise bullying in the work place. I think these are two relevant points.

● copying memos that are critical about someone to others who do not need

to know

overbearing supervision or other misuse of power or position

Problem is proving it.

Time to stop putting so much energy into dealing with this A hole and focus on finding a better place to work.

So I went on the government website, found a leaflet about how to recognise bullying in the work place. I think these are two relevant points.

 

● copying memos that are critical about someone to others who do not need

to know

 

overbearing supervision or other misuse of power or position

 

Problem is proving it.

Time to stop putting so much energy into dealing with this A hole and focus on finding a better place to work.

You have proof in writing. Print it, and forward a copy to your private email, and follow the instructions on the gov't site as to how to best proceed with reporting him. Since you intend to leave that job anyway, you don't have much to lose.

Also take some comfort in the fact that boss' email reflects on him rather than you. He's broadcast his lousy temperament and lack of professionalism to the everyone in that distribution, and that's what stands out far greater than any mistake you've made.

Head high, we're in your corner.

Also send it to other companies. Never say anything negative in a professional setting. It backfires and reflects poorly on you.

CV will be updated tomorrow, will ask HR if there are any suitable jobs going in different departments, still wondering if I should tell them why.

Are you sure? I don’t know her history about her work but I know other posts and it’s always came off she internalizes well everything.

Yes. I think that she is experiencing something that really is inappropriate, unfair, and ultimately unnecessary since there are more effective ways of correcting people. A good manager gives criticism without singling people out and humiliating them. They understand that every person has different strengths and weaknesses and they able to position their team members advantageously based on these qualities. Good managers understand that mistakes are made, and they expect them. They create a safe, collaborative environment with good morale.

Thornz's boss is a bad manager, and it can actually be argued that Thornz's 'poor' performance is a reflection of her manager's inability to effectively manage her as a resource. A bad manager creates an environment of hostility and fear. The whole place gets corrupted. I saw this in my last job. The sad thing was, the people who worked in that department didn't know there was anything better out there. Most of them had been hired straight out of school and many were there for 15+ years. They really thought "this is how work is." It was sort of like High School Part II, all hail the boss, cliques and teacher's pets galore. Let me tell you, I am so glad I had the experience I had before joining that company because it really helped me cut through the BS in that place.

I agree that it's important for Thornz to be able to 'externalize' her boss's actions, but sometimes that has to be learned over time. And talking to her therapist about this, while it isn't what she really wants to be doing, is actually directly addressing her tendency to internalize.

My boss one time told me “isn’t it funny how my headache goes away whenever you stop talking?”

 

That kind of stuff is, IMO, clear abuse. Criticizing mistakes is murkier - so be sure to track when it IS personal.

I gave my boss (a good boss!) a bad drawing once, and he said, "I hate this." LOL!! But it wasn't personal at all, and I could tell. I'd just drawn something totally wrong (based on his horrid sketch (but that's another story)). He instructed me to ask xyz person for input, I did, the problem was fixed, and we all happily went on with our lives.

I think there's a difference between what Thornz has been experiencing with her boss, and simply working for a tough boss. Thornz's boss is making a mockery of her. Constructive criticism is fine, but her boss's criticism is demeaning and insulting and not constructive at all.

Yes. I have a thick skin and have survived many tough bosses but this crosses the line -could not agree more. So many better ways to put it -not coddling, just simply professional and still getting the work done/corrected effectively. Sorry if I am being repetitive because I hate this kind of treatment even though I think "tough" is totally fine and coddling is often silly.

On your end Thornz you of course need to be prepared to accept constructive criticism even if blunt, even if not dressed up as a compliment-critcism-compliment sandwich. And note that he was more focused on being nasty than getting the work done properly. And the others on the email know they very well could be his next target. Not good for morale.

I would not necessarily go to HR though. I would get my CV ready. And sure talk to your therapist. And - yes -if you can learn anything from the actual mistake and not repeat it, good deal. Why not.

Sorry this happened.

The better, less egregious, less humiliating way to have phrased that group email would have been "Please send thornz the details of the drawings, so she can update, thank you."

Absolutely, that's a better way to say it.

Alas, I encounter people now and then who aren't so smooth or thoughtful when they speak.

mustlovedogs post just brought back a memory of my first after school job and the boss who said "I hate you journeynow!"

Jibralta - in your referencing of your past bosses are you sure you are not internalizing her experience? Don’t get me wrong, this guy sounds like a major pr*ck. I just am not seeing any evidence that it’s over the top enough to warrant any extreme actions.

I’ve had good and bad bosses. Good and bad work experiences and one thing I know is if you’re making mistakes, you then in turn going and complaining will backfire, you just labelled yourself. Before you come forward to point fingers your hands must be clean, otherwise it will come off as you simply not being able to take criticism.

Not to mention this isn’t even the first issue she has had in the past few months, and I promise you coworkers are aware of her issue with the other coworker so the timing of all this... it’s not going to go well in my humble opinion. Both of these issues are grey at best.

Look, I hate when I make mistakes. I feel like absolute sh*t, and I beat myself up about it and I work my a** off to correct it, any kind of criticism when I’m already feeling bad feels like an attack. Doesn’t always mean it’s as extreme as I perceive it .

If she really can’t handle her work place she should try to find a new job. The pressure isn’t going anywhere, doesn’t matter who is in change a high stress job is going to be a high stress job. It’s not for everyone and thats ok.

"Look, I hate when I make mistakes. I feel like absolute sh*t, and I beat myself up about it and I work my a** off to correct it, any kind of criticism when I’m already feeling bad feels like an attack. Doesn’t always mean it’s as extreme as I perceive it ."

Me too. So, in that case does any kind of negative feedback come across as less than extreme in that case - I would think most supervisors would have to point out the mistake in some way or they are not doing their jobs (in this situation, I wrote- her boss totally out of line/over the top) - or do you mean you know yourself so that even if supervisor does the compliment-critcisim-compliment "sandwich" you tell yourself she is just doing her best to point it out tactfully?

I don’t tell myself anything. I made a mistake so i know I have to suck it up and fix it. I’m complain to my friends about what an a**hole my boss was being but I’m not putting my income at risk. Not for something this grey. Nor would I ever advise someone else to put their income at risk for something this gray

At the end of the day I’m just looking at the big picture and the fact they were only getting one side of the story I’m looking at past posts where she’s had issues with coworkers before where she has made mention to the fact that she works with headphones on all of this taken all this into account I can very much see if she goes to HR they are going to look at both sides of the this.

She has pointed out more than once this particular boss has made another coworker reprint all his work because of a staple. So she’s not singled out, it sounds like he micromanages everyone and not to be rude but if he doesn’t want a staple on the Work, he doesn’t want a staple on the Work. Does it sound stupid? Yes, but he’s representing the work done and he’s representing his team if his team is failing it’s because of him. Trash has a way of taking itself out especially bad bosses. He sounds like he doesn’t know how to properly manage so it’s doubtful he will last.

At the very, very least, please don’t go to HR over this issue alone. Wait until he crosses a line when you haven’t made a mistake. If this is truly who he is, it won’t be long.

I don’t tell myself anything. I made a mistake so i know I have to suck it up and fix it. I’m complain to my friends about what an a**hole my boss was being but I’m not putting my income at risk. Not for something this grey. Nor would I ever advise someone else to put their income at risk for something this gray

 

At the end of the day I’m just looking at the big picture and the fact they were only getting one side of the story I’m looking at past posts where she’s had issues with coworkers before where she has made mention to the fact that she works with headphones on all of this taken all this into account I can very much see if she goes to HR they are going to look at both sides of the this.

 

She has pointed out more than once this particular boss has made another coworker reprint all his work because of a staple. So she’s not singled out, it sounds like he micromanages everyone and not to be rude but if he doesn’t want a staple on the Work, he doesn’t want a staple on the Work. Does it sound stupid? Yes, but he’s representing the work done and he’s representing his team if his team is failing it’s because of him. Trash has a way of taking itself out especially bad bosses. He sounds like he doesn’t know how to properly manage so it’s doubtful he will last.

 

At the very, very least, please don’t go to HR over this issue alone. Wait until he crosses a line when you haven’t made a mistake. If this is truly who he is, it won’t be long.

I had a different question - sorry if I wasn't clear. You wrote that you would take any criticism to an extreme because you beat yourself up quite enough -so is there a time where you look at a criticism, tell yourself you're overreacting and therefore you don't complain to your friends because you know the boss is right in how she pointed it out and it's on you.

As far as the OP I agree with you. Don't go to HR even if this is technically crossing the line. I agree with you on what would cross the line (abuse where there is no mistake). We had staple related complaints at one of my jobs (not towards me since I took it upon myself to learn in advance what kind of staple formation to use).

And you know what OP -I criticized one of my employees many years ago for stapling work in the wrong way. Why? Because it was wrong -because it was being sent outside the company to a recipient who would care a lot about it being stapled on the wrong side and because she should have known about this recipient's needs with respect to how the work was presented (sounds picayune but we worked with this recipient regularly and it was a standard way we presented our work). And because it was right up against the deadline and it meant redoing everything at the last minute. Context matters. Was I nice about it? Probably not because back then I let stress get the better of me. Was I abusive? Definitely not, not even close. And she took it fine.

Yes, I would leave if this isn't the right fit for you but that's different from complaining to HR. And yes I agree about the headphones if that makes you stand out in less than a positive way.