Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: Should we try again

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    41

    Should we try again

    Hello EnotAloners

    Always good to have this site to turn to. It has been very useful in my relationships and hope to get some good advice in my new situation. This is quite a long story so hold tight...

    So there is this girl (she has the same name as myself if that counts for anything) who went to the same primary school as myself. When I was in 7th grade (12 years ago) she was in 5th grade and was friends with my little sister. I met her through my little sister and we crushed on each other that time. It was significant for me because i used to get rejected by girls that time but she was interested. (please note this was 12 years ago). We are from the same home town but school and work places us a long distance apart.

    Fast forward I went to high school and we lost contact for a really long while. We met up once in 2013 (5 years ago) and then i went back to varsity and I stopped talking to her as I got a gf in varsity and she had someone else that time. So we lost contact again up until 2 years ago when it was my birthday. I just randomly decided to reach out and invite her to my birthday party but as a friend. We were both single then. At the party I wasnt showing any romantic interest and she reached out to me and asked me why it seems Im not interested in her even though she came all the way for my bday party. I then started giving her more attention and we ended up making out at the party and sleeping in the same bed. If you follow my posts yu will see that me being celibate is a recurring theme (religious reasons) and thus we didnt have sex. She wanted us to have sex that night but i stopped her.

    The next day she thanked me for not having sex with her as she felt respected. that next day we went to a concert together and our relationship grew stronger. After that weekend I started havng thoughts of making her a serious gf. After my bday weekend we communicated consitently over text and she kept pushing asking me what we were. When we closed at work I went back to my hometown and asked finally popped the question and she agreed. Thinks were good at the beginning as always but soon the relationship got really intense really quickly. 1 month into the relationship I took her out to the mall on a movie date (earlier one of my earlier posts i think it was titled "is she cheating") expands more on what happened on this date. Basically she hadnt answered her phone the previous evening and on the date day she was acting really strange. she didnt want me to hold her hand and was uncomfortable. I then jumped to conclusions and thought that she had been cheating the previous night.

    It is important to note that she had a history of "hoeing". But i didnt judge her for that stage in her life and looked forward however it did make me doubt a bit in terms of guys she may still be busy with. I had trust issues with her at this due to this, and because of her not answering her phone and her sudden strange behavior i thought she felt guilty of cheating or something. Anyway she was neglected by her dad whom she really loved and looked up to 2 years ago and thus I was understanding of her. We got over this situation and the relationship was fine again.

    Over time I started seeing elements of her emotional damage resulting from her dad issues and a previous break up with a guy she was actually engaged with a year ago. Somedays she would just switch off and not respond well to me. One word answers, snapping at me etc. I would end up keeping quiet most of the times when she would respond like this for days because this rejecting from her also hurt me and after 2-3 days she would blow up on me saying I dont show her enough affection, I dont check up on her when shes down, Im too busy with her etc. This happened continuously and I didnt know what to do. She would be seriously bothered but when i ask her whats wrong I wouldnt get anything and she used to turn it to me saying that Im the one who woke up on the wrong side of the bed etc

    One day I went on a date with a colleague on Valentines day as she kept asking me and she told me she was feeling lonely and my gf was long distance so I couldnt take her out. I was being nice and I took the colleague out. On that date I told her I had a gf. I didnt tell my gf that I took the colleague out on valentines day. The colleague later messaged me thanking me for the night and saying how lucky my gf is for the honesty I displayed and not taking advantage of her feelings for me [the colleague]

    The next weekend my gf came over and I showed her that message. She saw it was on valentines day and she flipped! Since then our relationship deteriorated as she felt I had been cheating on her and I wasnt. Nothing happened between me and any other girl. One day she broke things off as she said the relationship was a large emotional strain on her. She was in tears on the phone. I fought to win her back and after 2-3 weeks we were back together. But I told her that most of the pain she feels shes inflicting on herself and she shouldnt think Im doing it. The second time around i think there was someone else in her life. She was different, less respondent still showed strong feelings for me. She said she was being safer as her life came crashing down on her when she saw that message. Over time we got to a good place although I had to deal with her emotional mood swings continuously. And had to keep talking with her during those emotional moodswings and it was tough. She seemed to be getting better though. She then lost her phone and we started communicating on facebook only.

    It was her birthday one saturday and we had decided that I was gonna come visit her on her birthday the day of the birthday I told her I was coming and she kept quiet I left anyway. 4 hours of driving until I got to her varisity. Sent her a message saying I was there. She saw it and kept quiet. I had booked a guest house. stayed there the whole night messaging her saying I was around and she only responded the next morning saying she didnt believe I came. I was really angry and distraught and told her to just meet me in an hour. We met the next morning I asked her what the hell happened, because the plan was for me to come for her bday etc she said communication was tough cause she didnt have a phone and she was busy with work (promoter at events). I was really pissed and told her to leave the car and left. She knew I drove from so far she could have made a plan with a friend to communicate with me. While i was on the road she sent me a message saying "your friendship has always meant alot to me but i do understand If you never wanna speak to me again. its my fault and you have truly been a great friend. Maybe I am a bit too selfish when it comes to those love. my sincerest apologies ". I told her to seek counseling and talk to someone and try and be alone for a while and then I stopped talking to her for 3 months from then. After 3 months I checked on her via text and she asked me to call her. We had a casual chat it was good. She kept alluding to her going through a phase that time and her growing. We had been together for a year at this point

    I drunk called her again a month later. I asked her who was in her life now and she said no one. I told her not to lie to me and she then admitted that there was someone but its not really serious. I then made a comment that she replaced me so quickly and she responded that the truth is, shes, terrified of being alone. I told her to see someone and she said that there is a family member that shes speaking to, she attending church more often and her school commitments are keeping her distracted. I then told her to leave the guy and she responded that she would if I gave her a good reason to and I said there is a good reason just do it. She said that should would look into leaving the guy. and thats basically the last time we spoke.

    My question is, should I give it another try with her considering there are other better girls emotionally for me. But I do really love her. She does sound like she's willing to get better.

    Looking forward to your help

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    32,416
    Gender
    Male
    Do not date out of pity or to fix or change or rescue anyone. That is ego, not love. Let her go and date these other "better for you" girls.
    Originally Posted by TheG
    should I give it another try with her considering there are other better girls emotionally for me. But I do really love her.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    1,006
    There are several red flags here.

    The valentine's day date was a bad move on your part. to Your girlfreind, it felt like cheating. You should not go on romantic dates with other women if you want to keep a girlfreind.

    But you had problems before this. When they go back and forth like this.........one day they love you, the next day they don't......it means they really don't love you.

    She is probably on the rebound from the last breakup and not ready to love again, it sounds like it's too soon. Sorry, the relationship is probably dead forever, she's just going through the motions.

    Or, she may have excess emotional baggage/ daddy issues.

    - you say that she hooked up with another guy too soon. I understand, you are jelous. But many pretty women are never alone because they don't have to be.........there is always another man waiting in the wings. But don't bust her for this - if you had hot legs, you'd do the same thing!

    Finally, many college women are not ready to fall in love yet.

    At any rate, sane women who love you are consistent in their actions.

  4. #4
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    41
    Thanks alot!!

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    9,629
    Gender
    Female
    You should have told her that you had a friendly valentines dinner date with someone before you went and not after the fact.

    Your continued suggestions that she should seek counseling are condescending and you don't say them out of concern or in a caring way. You lob them at her when you are hurt in an attempt to gas light her into thinking that there is something wrong with her and her behavior.

    Personal issues or not, she doesn't trust you, doesn't feel comfortable with you and has pulled away. As hard as that is it hear telling her she needs therapy because she no longer wants to be with you is the nail in the coffin you may not even be aware of.

    Insisting that she break up with someone she is seeing, just because you said so?, makes me scratch my head and wonder if there is more to the story you aren't sharing.

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    41
    I do agree that there is alot of red flags in our situation not just from her but from me as well. Maybe there is something about myself Im not seeing. Am I too hard on her? Am i compensating for something?

    So we spoke yesterday and she ended up breaking up with the guy. She made it clear that she didnt do it for me but did it for herself as she wasnt happy with the guy. She was very open with me last night it was like the good times. We are meeting next month and its clear that we still love each other. However, do you think we should try again with the relationship or we need more time apart?

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    41
    So we are speaking again and its looking like we gonna get back together soon. Not rushing it but man I feel really good we are connecting and flowing... probably even better than before.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    32,416
    Gender
    Male
    Unfortunately, a lot of situations like this turn into on/off relationships.
    Originally Posted by TheG
    So we are speaking again and its looking like we gonna get back together soon. Not rushing it but man I feel really good we are connecting and flowing... probably even better than before.


Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •