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Thread: Didn't mean to find someone

  1. #1

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    Didn't mean to find someone

    My husband and I are currently separated and have been for a few weeks. There is a lot he needs to work on to ever have a functional relationship and I am doubting he is going to put in the work. While feeling particularly frustrated, I made an online dating profile and ended up chatting with a guy who seems great. He has asked me out for coffee, and I don't know what to do. I don't think I am actually able to say that I'm ready for that but I also want to be at the same time. How do I gently let him Don without coming across as a giant jerk?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You don't owe him anything. He's a stranger. Tell him you made a mistake and need a good year to process your separation and divorce, and then delete your profile. Unless you take a year to work on yourself and learning how to have a satisfying life solo for at least a good while, you will repeat the same pattern and choose the same type of man over and over.

    Don't use a new man as a Band aid to make yourself feel desirable or less lonely. You need to go through all the stages of grieving the end of a longterm relationship, even if it was your choice to end things. And no decent man will consider it a good idea to date a married woman. Yes, even if you are separated, you're still married. Be alone and heal. Even when you feel ready to date, you probably really won't be, but you have to jump in sometime and make mistakes. That's what happened after my divorce.

  3. #3
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    You have no obligation to a stranger. Stop talking to him.

    Why in the world would you be creating a profile? Even if you were going to leave your marriage, you should be focusing on that. You need to be single for a year to get over the marriage. Yes. You are married!

    Stop using men for validation and attention, that comes from within.

  4. #4
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    There's been some good advice already been given to you.

    If he's been dating online for a while he would already realise that most men chat with 5-10 women and might only get to the stage of going on a date with one.

    In my experience (maybe I'm too picky) one in 15 people you meet online, will be compatible with you and are relationship material.

    What I've stated is beside the point because, if you don't want a messy, horrible divorce and have issues with your husband for many years to come, stop looking for a new relationship until your current one is over. Despite your husbands deficiencies, he deserves far more respect than you're giving him.
    Last edited by Matt0050; 10-03-2018 at 12:14 AM.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Unless you are fully divorced and have been for a good long time, you don't run to someone else. It's not fair on you and it's not fair on them.

    You've not processed the end of a marriage yet, you've not healed yet. Adding someone into the mix will only make things more confusing for you and for them.

    It's basically using people for attention due to being lonely and it's not something a person should do. The time will eventually come around where you can venture out and find someone new, but you are a long, long way off from that.

    Politely message this man and tell him you're sorry but you're not ready to date...end of. You don't need to explain any further. Then delete the profile and deal with whats on your plate right now.

    I agree with the above poster, it might not be working out with your husband but that doesn't mean you toss him in the bin and replace right away. He deserves better than that.
    Go through a proper divorce, stay single to give yourself and him time to heal . Then move on.

  7. #6
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    Just tell him you're not ready to date yet and you were just testing the waters. You won't come across as a jerk, just confused.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    You've gotten great advice here. You have to really mourn, no band-aids, and so on.

    The only thing I'll add—and I'm sure I'll get some flack for this—is that you can politely let him know your situation (not ready to date) but offer to meet in a friendly context. Only you know if you can really mean this, rather than hope to mean it while semi-secretly being in band-aid-ville, and of course there's a chance that he'll agree with other intentions still simmering.

    That said, I did exactly this, a year ago, in the wake of a very hard breakup. Flustered, hurt, flailing, I created a profile, matched with someone, quickly realized I had nothing to offer romantically, that I needed some real time to grieve. Making friends, however, genuinely appealed, as part of coming out of any relationship is realizing the ways your social world has contracted. I told her this explicitly, not in a baggage-dumping manner, but just as fact. We met, talked, had a nice time. Met again. Remain friends.

    Much later I was on the receiving end. Not quite the same, but: I was talking to someone online, very much ready to date, when she told me that she'd started seeing someone that was moving from casual to serious. She offered to meet on friendly terms. I agreed. We met, talked, had a nice time. Don't think the friend chemistry was really there, as the romantic chemistry probably wouldn't have been either, but it was still nice—a little way of getting back "out there," which at that point (many 8 months post breakup) was nice.

    Take that for what it is. Everyone is different.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like your explicit goal was "to find someone". If you are not ready to date, just don't date.
    Originally Posted by Vandjami
    My husband and I are currently separated and have been for a few weeks.

    Didn't mean to find someone. I made an online dating profile and ended up chatting with a guy who seems great.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Wait what?

    You have been SEPARATED for a few weeks and are already on dating sites?

    Even if you had been DIVORCED for a few weeks you shouldn't be on a dating site.

    Probably best to tell your husband you are filing for divorce because you obviously are not interested in repairing your marriage. Don't string him along while you are out looking for his replacement.

    Lost

  11. #10
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    A few weeks is not long enough to work on yourself, to reestablish a support network and to go to effective counseling with your husband. Get off the dating sites. If you are lonely, call a female friend and go to coffee.


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