On the fence

I have been single for a long time. To the point that it feels comfortable and safe and easy, yet unsatisfying. I am stuck in this comfort zone and I keep coming up with reasons not to put myself out there. Too much work, no time, not ready, no room in my life etc. I end up spending the majority of my time working.

I met the cousin of one of my best friends over the weekend. Him, my best friend and i spent 3 pleasant hours chatting in a coffee house. He had caught my attention a year and a half back and since then, each time I have bumped into him on a social outing, something like 3 or 4 times, I have had a nice time. He is single and we are the same age. I think that he likes me as a person but I don't know whether he fancies me. I get the sense that he might if we got to spend time together but this could be wishful thinking. The problem is that we live in different cities (4 hour drive or 1 hour flight) so it's not easy to get to spend time together. Plus, if things were to progress, it would be long distance, which is not a good way to get to know each other. The logical part of my brain is fully aware of the impracticalities of the whole notion. Plus, I question why I am crushing on him of all people I have met. I feel that I have been emotionally unavailable for a long time. Is this another manifestation of it? The frustrating thing is that I haven't felt such a "click" for a long time.

Should I try to explore this (i do go to his city during holidays and in between from time to time as it is where my parents and best friends live)? Or label it as just another manifestation of emotional availability and move on? Most people in our age group are settled with young children and even though I don't actively chase it, I too would like a partner.

Yes I would and this is why - you've met him a number of times, and your best friend knows him well and can vouch for him. A 4 hour drive/one hour flight means you likely can see him at least twice a month, yes? You can stay with family if you travel there so that's less of an expense and you are familiar with the area. Has he asked you out? How would that work (i.e. you expressing interest in him and/or asking him out, etc). I'm glad you had a nice time with him and are exploring this.

The problem is that we live in different cities (4 hour drive or 1 hour flight) so it's not easy to get to spend time together. Plus, if things were to progress, it would be long distance, which is not a good way to get to know each other. The logical part of my brain is fully aware of the impracticalities of the whole notion. Plus, I question why I am crushing on him of all people I have met. I feel that I have been emotionally unavailable for a long time. Is this another manifestation of it? The frustrating thing is that I haven't felt such a "click" for a long time.

You are already projecting way into the future into one possible outcome. Look at things a little smaller - he is presumably a man of decent character. How about starting small and just thinking of something small - like seeing him again. And if you go out on a date -- its just that - a date. It could end up being more than that -- or not -- you don't know.

How about starting out by talking to your friend - say you really enjoy spending time with her cousin when he comes out - hopefully you will see him again soon -- that gives her a natural opening to naturally share something -- "he just met someone so i doubt if he will be out for awhile" or "he enjoys seeing you, too" without much pressure. But you should also sort of ask if he's seeing someone and what do you think if you were to as him out or would she help you set something up?

If he was a random stranger, i would put on the breaks but this is the cousin of a bestie so she knows his character.

The problem is that we live in different cities (4 hour drive or 1 hour flight) so it's not easy to get to spend time together. Plus, if things were to progress, it would be long distance, which is not a good way to get to know each other. The logical part of my brain is fully aware of the impracticalities of the whole notion. Plus, I question why I am crushing on him of all people I have met. I feel that I have been emotionally unavailable for a long time. Is this another manifestation of it? The frustrating thing is that I haven't felt such a "click" for a long time.

 

You are already projecting way into the future into one possible outcome. Look at things a little smaller - he is presumably a man of decent character. How about starting small and just thinking of something small - like seeing him again. And if you go out on a date -- its just that - a date. It could end up being more than that -- or not -- you don't know.

 

How about starting out by talking to your friend - say you really enjoy spending time with her cousin when he comes out - hopefully you will see him again soon -- that gives her a natural opening to naturally share something -- "he just met someone so i doubt if he will be out for awhile" or "he enjoys seeing you, too" without much pressure. But you should also sort of ask if he's seeing someone and what do you think if you were to as him out or would she help you set something up?

 

If he was a random stranger, i would put on the breaks but this is the cousin of a bestie so she knows his character.

Yes -just to be clear I was looking into the future because while of course one date can't hurt it would be a waste of time -and possibly delicate given the best friend's cousin connection - if there was no chance because of geography. I dated my then best friend's cousin for years and met him through her. It requires some sensitivity because when things got roller coasterish we both had to keep our friend/cousin out of it so she didn't feel conflicted. And same when we broke up (I don't think I ever asked her about him and we saw each other once at one of her family/friends events and it was fine). I think if everyone acts reasonably mature there should be no problem.

Why not just add him on Facebook and be “friends” instead of asking him on a date straightaway?

If there really is a spark then it’ll happen quickly enough, but if not then you’ll at least have a new friend and it won’t be awkward for anyone?

Yeah, you know, a 4-hour drive or a 1-hour plane trip (which is really a 4-hour trip when you add in commuting and wait times) does not make for a very fulfilling relationship. I do like the idea of adding him as a Facebook friend, but continuing looking for someone local who you can have a real relationship with.

I say yes, and I like abitbroken's idea of small steps. (Note to self: small steps, small steps.)

At the end of the day, a click is a click, right? It is rare, and I like to think of it as life telling you to get out of your comfort zone. Because, speaking of the comfort zone, I like thinking of life in three zones: the comfort zone, the stretch zone, the edge zone. The comfort zone, really, is not that comfortable, but borderline complacent; the stretch zone is where the action is, possibility and growth and the stuff we look back on as glowing with meaning, and the more time we can spend there (and learn to be comfortable there) the better; and the edge—well, we all know when we cross the edge and need to step back again.

So, stretch a bit.

I did this recently, with someone who lived on the other side of the country. We had some incredible chats online, shared an amazing time in 3D. Yeah, the distance was probably the big q hovering over it all, but there was so many little, more urgent qs to explore before that one really mattered. And exploring them was great!

I don't have a Hallmark ending to this one, but the experience was mutually lovely, personally rewarding, and I learned a bit more about my emotional state: where I was more available than I knew, where I was less. I'm better for it, stretched into slightly better shape, and ultimately what more can we ask?

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies! He isn't seeing anyone as far as my friend knows but I don't think he would confide in her if he was in some casual or otherwise complicated arrangement. I do have him on Facebook from when we first met but his page is pretty empty. It doesn't seem like he uses it much. I don't really like FB either but I could probably make an effort and exchange a couple of messages to see if it starts something. I agree that I should start small and I will try to meet him again when I go back in three weeks. Small steps it is.

He's unavailable and that may be the draw. It keeps the safe and comfortable security zone. If you wanted a viable partner you could get on dating apps and/or create other real life opportunities to meet people. You'll date and find someone when you're ready.

it feels comfortable and safe and easy, yet unsatisfying. why I am crushing on him of all people I have met. I too would like a partner.

He's unavailable and that may be the draw. It keeps the safe and comfortable security zone.

True. I too think that this is a possibility hence why I wrote about being on the fence.

If you wanted a viable partner you could get on dating apps and/or create other real life opportunities to meet people.

I have tried dating apps and they make me really uncomfortable. I don't consider them a good place to meet someone viable / seems that I don't have what it takes to make that work. I do need to create more real life opportunities to meet people.

You'll date and find someone when you're ready.

The trouble is that it's been many years and it seems that I am still not ready. By the rate I am going, I will die of old age first

I haven't felt such a "click" for a long time.

I vote to explore it. Fingers crossed for you!

What's the worst that can happen if you send him a note saying you enjoyed catching up with him last weekend or whenever it was you saw him. That is absolute zero risk and its totally neutral. It is something that can be taken either way (interested in him, friendly, or simply polite).

Thank you both! I sent him a funny private message on FB regarding a discussion we had during our last meeting and we exchanged some friendly banter. It was a fun and light exchange but ultimately it did not give me any new information. I will leave it at that and que sera sera