Should travel end the relationship?

Last winter, I met somebody. My friend has a traveller over who she met in Barcelona, we ended up hitting it off. The spark was pretty strong, he delayed his flight two days to spend a bit more time together. Then, later, he delayed a flight to America so we spent 12 days straight together.

We soon fell for each other, exchanged I love yous and talked about a potential future, although vague. Two months later, I flew to Australia (he's Australian). For my 21st birthday, I spent some time with him then travelled with family. The spark wasn't quite as strong, I realised a lot of things about myself in this trip. I noticed how I get giddy and too playful around somebody I really like - I noticed how considerate and caring he was towards me, always making an effort to do something every day - I noticed how I didn't sense any red flags with him, which I had with all previous guys I dated. But I returned to London feeling I should break things off.

Like it doesnt rationally make sense I said to myself; he lives in Australia, I want to travel for a year and I don't know where I'll end up. But every time I thought of ending it, I couldn't stop crying. So I thought if my emotional response is so high, I should keep talking and go with the flow.

The flow took me back to Australia. Four months later for two weeks. We spoke on the phone all this time. I stopped being so playful, chilled out on expectations for a boyfriend to be/act a certain way; we had an amazing time. Four weeks after this, he flew to meet me in Bali.

NOW! That was all the back story and context. What follows is the bit I'm stuck on...

This time, I left Australia to travel for approx one year. After this, I will move to Australia.

A few days into him being in Bali, we became agitated and irritable with one another. After 3 days of this I asked, what is going to come of us after this trip?

We went back to the room, cuddled and spoke about it. He said, 'For me, I don't think we have spent enough time together to know. You are travelling for so long and how can we commit to something when we never got the normal dating stage , nor lived in the same city but not in the same house. Also, the spark has fizzled out bit by bit since the first time we met'. I responded, 'Yes I agree, I think the spark was stronger for me last time though. I still really love you and have a lot of respect for you but I think it is best to leave it as friends, maybe one day in the future we may be able to date again'.

That all sounds really clear. But, following this chat we were on the same page, huge relief off both our shoulders, and then the spark returned.

I realise I put a lot of emphasis on the spark, but I'd like to add this was more of a relationship that blossomed for me slowly. I didn't go all in, I held back and tried to be cautious but my love for him grew and grew over time. He is a lovely, genuine and kind hearted man. Courteous, caring and ambitious, but not greedy.

Anyway, the last week together was amazing. We laughed, felt so comfortable with each other and felt so much love for one another. Very happy and beautiful time. So it felt strange when we left the airport and I thought to myself, okay now I guess we're just friends.

But we still chat every day, we say love you before going to bed and have been exclusive since the night we met in London in December. Which makes me feel confused, we're not together but it feels like we're together. I don't know if I should be trying to move on or going with the flow even more on this one?

I could imagine a future with this guy, I love him to bits and he feels the same way. However, I feel like I need an outsiders opinion on all of this to help me decide on how I should treat/go about the situation. What do you think I should do?

Keep talking, and go with the flow. If it's not meant to be, you'll find out soon enough if one or other of you moves on. It's obvious that it would be a horrendous wrench for both of you if you ended things and cut contact now.

I say this because I have a couple of friends who dated as teenagers, then agreed to split up when they went to university so that each could play the field. Except it didn't work out like that. They talked every night, continued with the 'I love you's' and got together when they could. After they'd finished their courses they both came back to their home town, and picked things up again. That was in the early 1980's, and they're still married.

It sounds as though he doesn't want to pursue this. Set both of yourselves free and do not even attempt an "exclusive" LDR. Enjoy your journeys.

He said, 'For me, I don't think we have spent enough time together to know. You are travelling for so long and how can we commit to something when we never got the normal dating stage , nor lived in the same city but not in the same house. Also, the spark has fizzled out bit by bit since the first time we met'.

Wow—I can really relate to this, at nearly twice your age, and I second the idea of going with the flow as much as possible.

That means navigating those shifts in feelings (big spark giving way to mini spark) but keeping your eyes and heart opening to the deeper connection underneath. Because right now it sounds that that continues to grow, defying a lot of labels and geography. That's special.

It's so common that we sometimes meet someone incredible at a tricky point in our lives and/or theirs. On the surface, there's this contradiction that is hard to reconcile: you want to explore each other, but you also want to explore the world. But maybe those two things can coexist, if you find a different way to think about it? As someone who loves to travel, I've been asking versions of that for decades. I don't have answers. But I do have faith that the right people can build a truth together, and a safe space, without snuffing out the truths inside of them.

Like nutbrownhare, I have a couple of friends with similar stories. College sweethearts who weren't quite on the same page after graduating, tried to go their separate ways, could never quite stop feeling the connection, and are now married with a child. Another couple who dated for a year, a ragged relationship built on genuine love—he was not ready—and who ended up getting back together and are also now married with a child.

Yes, there are some hard chapters in the middle of those stories—moments when that spark was basically gone, or seemed gone—but they are the most inspiring couples I know. They are who I turn to for guidance, to find patience myself in accepting that flow rather than forcing it, which I'm so prone to do.

So keep talking, keep feeling, keep doing you. You don't need "the answer" yet. You'll find it, though.

Unfortunately, it is very clear, it's just that he told you what you categorically don't want to hear. You are no longer together, definitely not exclusive and he is free to pursue whoever he wants, as are you. To put it bluntly, you've been demoted to back up girl. Basically, you had a red hot vacation fling and now it's simmered down to just friends.

That said, you are only 21, so you really shouldn't be tying yourself down anyway. Enjoy your travels, live your life, pursue your goals. Do you need to cut him off? Not necessarily. However, you do need to accept that you are no longer in a relationship as such and definitely not exclusive, despite all the words and texts and ILU's. So, you go and live your life and who knows. You might meet a guy tomorrow who is a better match for you. At the same time a year or two or three from now, you both might decide that now you are both actually ready to settle down and have a real relationship that will last.

I could imagine a future with this guy, I love him to bits and he feels the same way.

Except he told you the spark wasn't there for him, so does he really feel the same way?

It just sounds like you guys had a thing for a while, and it's very exciting having an affair that spanned the world. But although you guys can remain friends and maybe even meet up again in the future, I don't think it'll become anything more. It's your choice if you want to find a real relationship where you live or continue this fantasy relationship. But I think eventually it won't be enough for you and what you're looking for.

Can someone explain to me how a couple does "exclusive" when thousands of miles separates them?

Like how does this work? Do you have Skype dates or Skype sex? How do you handle the time difference?

Do you check in with each other about your comings and goings?

I am serious with these questions, I get many couples have these on line exclusive relationships, I just have no clue how they work, the dynamics of them.

Re the Skype sex or text sex (sexting), I think I'd go crazy not being able to touch him or feel him, and wonder -- OP -- how do you handle that aspect of it?

Is this a satisfying experience for you? What happens when you're out in your city and you meet other men? Are you tempted to go out with them, should they ask?

I have always wondered about this, but never been inclined to ask till now.

Hey Katrina, thanks for your response. Time difference depends on place in the world. We had 7hr time difference which is easier to handle than 12.

Some couples do Skype sex and sext each other, I didn't feel comfortable with this but we would send nudes, compliments and talk about our desire for one another.

LDR are based a lot on open, honesty and trust. If one of us is on a night out, we rely on each other to say what happened, if we met anybody and so on. In our case, it said we weren't exclusive but never met any of else so ended up being exclusive.

It is an extremely bittersweet situation, you have all of the excitement and anticipation for seeing them next , it means when you do spend time together you do lots of fun things and really wmbrace each other full on while you have the time. Yes it can be difficult as hell, but if someone is worth it and you think that highly of them, you do it regardless.

Meeting other men, I talk to them and may flirt but I've never felt inclined to do anything further. I haven't met anybody else (as of yet) who I feel so strongly about so I wouldn't jeopardize that for a hot fling with a guy at the club.

I hope this answers/helps some of your questions.

Hi nutbrownhare, thank you for taking the time to read and reply.

Your reply really resonates with me. I thought about reducing chat time but I realise that's me trying to control the situation and relationship (and me being a woman & Aries probably). It probably is for the best that I keep going with the flow, try not to think about it too much and keeping enjoying my life. I'm currently travelling Vietnam so this isn't too difficult. Again, thank you for your reply.

Hi Bluecastle,

Thanks so much for your reply, it super resonated with me. Especially the part of keep talking, feeling, doing you. You don't need the answer just yet.

Main message I get from this is to let it be, go with time and life and see where it takes me / us. I am aware I am very young and have a lot of living to do, there is no rush and only time will tell which way it goes. Thank you so much for your reply and sharing the stories of your friends.

Hi DancingFool,

Thanks a bunch for your reply. To reduce what we have to a red hot vacation fling I think is harsh. I have had travel romances before that spanned 4 days, left it at that. It has now been 10months, arrangements were made to keep seeing each other despite the thousands of miles of distance.

In my post I don't think I made the discussion at the end of the last trip strong enough. We both talked of our the spark felt much stronger, said how much we love each other but acknowledge right now is not the time. We are both very open to dating in the future - whether that be months or years from now.

I do agree with the fact I am young, I will go and live my life. Meet plenty of new people and who knows what may grow from there. I think it still is a case of going with the flow, not cutting him off but also be open to meeting new people. Thanks again!

You've got an inspiring spirt, nomadtravel, and a wise one.

That not cutting him off/but being open to new people is of course the hardest part of the flow to navigate. At best, that can help cultivate a level of honesty; at worst, it can create multiple compartments inside oneself. I've flirted with both those states myself, over the years and on the road, and by the sound of it you're very much on the honest path.

The truest connections really do defy labels and geography, though of course sometimes labels are eventually required to deepen a connection. Just like there's a difference between saying "Bali is awesome" and "I'm going to make Bali my home!," there's a difference between saying "Person X is awesome!" and "I'm going to make Person X my home!"

You'll navigate that as you see fit, and I hope you keep us updated periodically. Good luck out there!

 

The truest connections really do defy labels and geography, though of course sometimes labels are eventually required to deepen a connection. Just like there's a difference between saying "Bali is awesome" and "I'm going to make Bali my home!," there's a difference between saying "Person X is awesome!" and "I'm going to make Person X my home!"

 

Wow bc, blowing my mind here. I have never been one to give credence to any sort of label, have loathed them actually, but after reading this, I'm not sure now - it certainly does present a new way of looking at it.

On the other hand, I very much agree with the bolded - another wow. :)