How to ask for a break?

Long story short, I got involved in an emotional affair with someone, while I’ve been in a 5 year relationship with my current gf. It has only been about a week, but the guilt mounted up, she already started to suspect, so i fessed up. It was so hard because I knew it would crush her and I wish I didn’t have to do that, but it’s too late.

Her initial reaction was expected, told me to leave, we are done, etc. A few hours later she wanted to continue to talk about it over text. We discussed for awhile yesterday. It went from “I hope you enjoy her bye” to “I still want to be with you and want to work through this”.

I fully agree, I want to make it work between us. But I am 100% completely in lust with this new girl, so much so that I can’t stop thinking about her and I couldn’t stop myself from doing actions I knew was wrong and would hurt a girl I truly love.

I’m still trying to figure out why exactly i did what I did. Is it boredom? Is it that I’m not in love with my current gf? Is it because I got in a long term relationship before I was truly ready? I am trying to figure this out.

I do not want to completely break up with my gf, I do love her and want to work through this, but I do not want to just pretend nothing happened like she wants to do, it’s not fair to either of us.

I’ve hinted at a break, some time for us to be away from each other with little contact to really explore what my deal is. She does not seem to be getting the hint. Her desire to just have me there and pretend like everything is fine is so strong, and it’s killing me far worse. I can’t find the words to just come right out and crush her more by telling her I need a break. I fully expect to get back with her, but I am not mentally right to date her and I do not know if I will be faithful right now. I’m trying to tell her that gently, but it doesn’t seem to be getting through. I am not forcing my gf to stay with me and I am not forcing her to wait for me, but I do feel as given some time and space, I can right this ship and come back stronger with her than ever.

What should I do? I don’t want to lose her forever, but I do not want to allow her to feel like she did something wrong and I should just be forgiven. I am the world to her. She is 100% reliant on me and it scares me. I just want a month to be alone, reflect on what the hell is my problem, and then see if we can get back to where we were. But she just seems to worried about losing me she wants me to be there like it’s nothing. I do not want to crush her further by making her think I am done with her, I just need space for a bit, but I can’t even fathom how hurt she will be if I straight up tell her I don’t want to see her for a bit. Thoughts?

It sounds more like you want to have a brief fling with this new girl and then get back with your girlfriend, who is so desperate to be with you that she's willing to overlook infidelity on your part.

If you don't want to be with her right now - then tell her, straight up. Don't tell her you'll be getting back with her anytime soon, because you may not want to when the time comes and it's very unfair to keep stringing her along like that. Sure, it'll hurt her, and you'll also have to go through the process of feeling guilty and taking responsibility for your own actions. Then, if you can 'right this ship' much later down the line, it will be in the knowledge that you acted with integrity.

Otherwise, you will be a bit like the Victorian lady who found out she should be getting her puppy's tail docked - so she asked if it could be cut off a bit at a time "so he can get used to it".

Agree with nutbrown. Take a *break* from your gf, put her on the backburner so you can indulge your lust for new girl.

If that doesn't work, you've always got your gf to fall back on. Not cool, and quite selfish.

No need to take a break from your gf, just end it, she deserves better.

Selfish much? If you can find at least one ounce of humanity and some semblance of kindness in you, then for the love of everything holy, dump your gf. Right now. No more lies, no more cheating, no breaks, no stringing her along so you can use her or fall back on her later. Dude, have some decency.

I'd place myself in her shoes, and expect the same respect in return by ending the relationship, rather than put her on the back burner while you do a test drive, (no offense intended).

Be an adult, and do the right thing.

I do not think it’s selfish of me to not want to lose my current gf forever simply because we got a little lazy/bored in our relationship.

I am not suggesting that we necessarily set a timetable for this break, nor am I suggesting she seclude herself and wait for me to get my together.

I know I do not want to give up on her, but that doesn’t mean I can’t explore my feelings for someone else.... which very well may be a passing attraction.

I know it sounds conceited as hell, but she does not want me to dump her. I am basically her whole life. She doesn’t have many friends, she isn’t close with her family, her best friend is her sister who lives a few hours away. I have all this pressure on me as I am basically all she has in life. The thought of me completely getting rid of her hurts me, but it hurts me far worse to know what I’d be doing to her.

Everyone’s answer is to always give up and move on. Apparently if every relationship isn’t perfect then it should be closed off forever.

I feel like this forum is filled with jaded lovers who had their hearts broken and all anyone wants to suggest is to run away from your problems and try elsewhere later.

Are there any realistic people in here who actually feel like time and some therapy/counseling can actually make or strengthen a relationship that has hit a snag? Or is it just full of bitter people who are lonely and hateful?

I do not think it’s selfish of me to not want to lose my current gf forever simply because we got a little lazy/bored in our relationship.

 

No, "we" did not get lazy/bored, or anything. You chose to enter into an emotional affair outside the relationship.

Using the word "we" implies that this is partly your girlfriend's fault. It is not. The fault, blame, and onus lies completely with you.

Agree with the others. Leave your girlfriend to find a nice, secure, worthy man, not a selfish, entitled little brat of a boy.

I think therapy/counseling is a great idea! Especially considering you've been together five years.

But taking a *break* so you can essentially screw another chick guilt free? Um, no.

If you can't understand how selfish and self-indulgent that is, I don't know what to tell you except you know nothing about the meaning of true commitment.

I highly doubt even the best therapist in the world would encourage that.

I know I do not want to give up on her, but that doesn’t mean I can’t explore my feelings for someone else.... which very well may be a passing attraction.

Sure; in other words, you want a fling with someone else whilst keeping her on the back burner. What's this got to do with therapy/counselling? Or working through your problems?

Just to reassure you, I'm very happy in a long-term relationship BUT in the past I have tried very, very hard to keep non-relationships going when I should have folded.

No, "we" did not get lazy/bored, or anything. You chose to enter into an emotional affair outside the relationship.

 

Using the word "we" implies that this is partly your girlfriend's fault. It is not. The fault, blame, and onus lies completely with you.

 

Agree with the others. Leave your girlfriend to find a nice, secure, worthy man, not a selfish, entitled little brat of a boy.

Yes WE. I have caught her twice doing similar. A little over a year ago I find her being insanely flirty via snap with her co worker. Then in May this year I find she was receiving and sent one sexy photo to another bisexual girl.

That does not make what I did ok. But I never truly forgave her and it had given me a lot of doubt.

Sure; in other words, you want a fling with someone else whilst keeping her on the back burner. What's this got to do with therapy/counselling? Or working through your problems?

 

Just to reassure you, I'm very happy in a long-term relationship BUT in the past I have tried very, very hard to keep non-relationships going when I should have folded.

Not sure how I am keeping her on the back burner. I have been 100% honest with her. I have been 100% honest that I have feelings for this other girl, but I am not sure if it’s just exciting Bc it’s new or it’s genuine. If my gf understands that yet doesn’t want to be completely done with me, how is that my fault? She could and would have legitimate reason to cut ties with me totally, but she doesn’t want to.

Yes WE. I have caught her twice doing similar. A little over a year ago I find her being insanely flirty via snap with her co worker. Then in May this year I find she was receiving and sent one sexy photo to another bisexual girl.

 

That does not make what I did ok. But I never truly forgave her and it had given me a lot of doubt.

All the more reason to end it then. Or seek couples counseling.

These t*t for tat games, and/or indulging your attractions/fantasies aren't going to solve anything.

Sounds like after five years, this relationship has simply run its course.

Your gf will be fine. Hurt? Yes, no doubt. But she will get over it, hopefully having learned something valuable from it. As will you.

It's all a journey.

You don't need a break. You need a break up.

Man up. Do the right thing. She isn't strong enough to do it. Her fear of losing you set in, and now she's gonna fight for it. Problem is, you've already checked out on her. An emotional affair is by far worse than a physical one.

Stop sugar coating this and playing victim. You made a choice. If you didn't want to lose her, you wouldn't have done this to her. She deserves better. Let her go. Be firm. Say you're breaking up, not a break. Don't give her false hope. That's like the dumb line "let's take a break, be friends." Like umm, right. It translates to "I wanna see others and eff them then I may come back. Except I won't be back."

You already hurt her. Just finish it.

I do not think it’s selfish of me to not want to lose my current gf forever simply because we got a little lazy/bored in our relationship.

 

I am not suggesting that we necessarily set a timetable for this break, nor am I suggesting she seclude herself and wait for me to get my together.

 

I know I do not want to give up on her, but that doesn’t mean I can’t explore my feelings for someone else.... which very well may be a passing attraction.

 

I know it sounds conceited as hell, but she does not want me to dump her. I am basically her whole life. She doesn’t have many friends, she isn’t close with her family, her best friend is her sister who lives a few hours away. I have all this pressure on me as I am basically all she has in life. The thought of me completely getting rid of her hurts me, but it hurts me far worse to know what I’d be doing to her.

 

Everyone’s answer is to always give up and move on. Apparently if every relationship isn’t perfect then it should be closed off forever.

 

I feel like this forum is filled with jaded lovers who had their hearts broken and all anyone wants to suggest is to run away from your problems and try elsewhere later.

 

Are there any realistic people in here who actually feel like time and some therapy/counseling can actually make or strengthen a relationship that has hit a snag? Or is it just full of bitter people who are lonely and hateful?

You have a few options here:

1) stay with your current girlfriend, enlist outside resources (therapy, counseling, self help, etc), and cut off the other woman in every way possible in order to work on your relationship

2) break up with your girlfriend to either date around (aka pursue the other woman/others) or be alone to find yourself, with no guarantee to get back together with your current girlfriend

Having a break with your girlfriend, in order to pursue the other woman is not a good option. Your gf gets strung along, while you date around and get to see if you end up sticking with the new versus the old.

The emotional affair shouldn't have occurred in the first place. This was your mistake. You allowed yourself to be open to entertain other women, during a relationship. You may have not intended this, but you essentially did. Once you agree to be in a mutual, monogamous relationship you agree to not do this. Everyone is still attracted to others during a relationship, the key is to not act on them (emotionally as well as physically). You don't automatically become blind once you get in a relationship, but you put a lot of distance between you and those you are attracted to. You still can look, of course discreetly, but not pursue in any capacity.

If you feel like you need to date around more, please feel free to go with option 2. However, if you do then don't expect your ex to be waiting around for you. The point of dating is to explore enough options with other people, in order to feel comfortable with the fact that the person you choose a relationship is the right person for you; that you know you do not want anyone else and won't even think about pursuing anyone else because you have already created a good connection with the person you have chosen. If this isn't the case, then you break up. If it is the case, then you stay and not entertain others.

I do not think it’s selfish of me to not want to lose my current gf forever simply because we got a little lazy/bored in our relationship.

 

I am not suggesting that we necessarily set a timetable for this break, nor am I suggesting she seclude herself and wait for me to get my together.

 

I know I do not want to give up on her, but that doesn’t mean I can’t explore my feelings for someone else.... which very well may be a passing attraction.

 

I know it sounds conceited as hell, but she does not want me to dump her. I am basically her whole life. She doesn’t have many friends, she isn’t close with her family, her best friend is her sister who lives a few hours away. I have all this pressure on me as I am basically all she has in life. The thought of me completely getting rid of her hurts me, but it hurts me far worse to know what I’d be doing to her.

 

Everyone’s answer is to always give up and move on. Apparently if every relationship isn’t perfect then it should be closed off forever.

 

I feel like this forum is filled with jaded lovers who had their hearts broken and all anyone wants to suggest is to run away from your problems and try elsewhere later.

 

Are there any realistic people in here who actually feel like time and some therapy/counseling can actually make or strengthen a relationship that has hit a snag? Or is it just full of bitter people who are lonely and hateful?

What if this was your sister? Would you encourage her to tolerate this? It's wrong. Let her go. Therapy won't fix this. You want to lust after one while having your long term gf wait in the wings. In what world do you you see a therapist encouraging this??

Yes WE. I have caught her twice doing similar. A little over a year ago I find her being insanely flirty via snap with her co worker. Then in May this year I find she was receiving and sent one sexy photo to another bisexual girl.

 

That does not make what I did ok. But I never truly forgave her and it had given me a lot of doubt.

All the more reason to end things. Should have ended things long ago. Also proves that your gf will be just fine without you, so you can stop telling yourself all this nonsense about how much she loves you and how much you are her world and how she just can't live without you. You very obviously aren't her life and neither one of you is behaving in a healthy way here. It's a toxic mess and needs to end yesterday. Both of you should have parted ways long ago. Time to pull the plug instead of resorting to cheating and "breaks".

Don't you and your gf have an open relationship? Is your confusion over the hot coworker?

It shouldn't be a problem considering your gf is sexting women and you have voiced being open about all this.

07-05-2018,:

 

So long story short my girlfriends bi-sexuality has been slowly trickling out. me her and another girl talk because I could tell it really turned my gf on

Then this past year, I walked in on her watching female lesbian porn once. That was really the first time I realized she seriously has some female interest.

 

She is on an app for friends called Bumble. she admitted quickly that a "Very hot" girl on there sent her nude pictures. My first instinct was "Oh heck yeah nice" because a 3some with her myself and another girl has been a fantasy for quite some time.

 

she was going behind my back privately accepting nudes from a girl and even sent a sexy (not nude) picture back. I told her I was interested in indulging her fantasy with another girl if I was able to be involved... at the very least watching.

"I am basically her whole life"

Dude, please.

Don't you and your gf have an open relationship? Is your confusion over the hot coworker?

 

It shouldn't be a problem considering your gf is sexting women and you have voiced being open about all this.

Well this^ sheds a new light doesn’t it.

OP, I am wondering why you need a break at all. Why not propose an open RL since she enjoys indulging in her attractions/fantasies as well?

This way it’s all out, openly and honestly.

"I am basically her whole life"

 

Dude, please.

Dude, read this again. And again and again and again. And, hopefully, one day you will look back on yourself as the guy who thought this way. And you'll cringe a bit, but with some compassion toward yourself, because you committed to getting humble and grew up a bit.

It is 100 percent okay okay to want to hop in bed with someone you're lusting for. It is 100 percent not okay to back burner someone to do that, especially someone who is invested. There is no "break" to make room for that. There is breaking up.

I agree with katrina that the undercurrent of this is that, after 5 years, this has run its course. And that your desire to "not lose her" is less connected to seeing a future than the attachment that comes with spending 5 years with someone, and perhaps some inner idea of who you're supposed to be vs. who you actually are, today, right now.

I get the vibe this relationship was built on some flimsy ground—mutual doubts suppressed early, surfacing later. That's not unusual, but it needs to be dealt with directly, inside the space you share, not externally. You're not capable of that right now, nor are you capable of respecting her as she, and all humans, deserve to be respected. Own that, because THAT is the beginning of learning what respect is.

If she was your sister, you would be beating yourself up right now out of love for her. But you're not her brother. You respect her now by letting it go.

So my above post is harsh—and maybe, I admit, a bit of test.

I don't doubt that you love your gf and don't want to lose her. I also don't believe that your lust for new person means you are a terrible human being. I think it means you are a human being, just as she is.

But that's kind of the real rub here: respect for her humanity. And that's where "break" is a way of dodging respect, putting your needs in front of another's, asking her to bend to accommodate your shape while you don't bend to accommodate hers.

Because, what, really does a "break" look like? The language implies that you cannot "deal" with the relationship, want to semi end it, then resume it when you can "deal," which in this case means indulging lust. That is not cool.

But there are other options, options that empower your gf but may very not likely get you what you want.

You can say to her that you want new boundaries INSIDE the relationship, that you want things open, want to both be able to explore new people and create rules around that. Hard stuff! But people do it, and I have friends and married couples who have navigated all that with incredible grace. It is possible. Some got stronger, some weaker, but it was a chapter they shared together.

That is not an hour long conversation that ends with handshake. That is an ongoing conversation, and a very hard one in this emotional climate, but it's built around the idea of staying together and investing. The prospect of that has to trigger genuine excitement—lust, you could say—in order for it to be true. And of course it means accepting the reality that your gf may say NO, and come back with an idea that does not fit your truth.

And then there is no relationship, no break.

Or you can take a more traditional route. You man the f up. Therapy, contrition, the works—but, again, together. No "break." You see this lust thing as a sharp edge inside of you that needs dulled, and so you don't indulge it. You treat it. You cut things off and get help, and maybe your gf can be there, and trust can be rebuilt. Maybe. Whether it's love or ego, she sounds up for that at the moment. But in that scenario it's on you to be fully transparent and for EVERYTHING to be focused on cutting off the lust synapses.

Personal story, for what it's worth. When I was 25 I was deeply in love with one of the most amazing women on planet earth—amazing then, in my eyes, amazing now. But something was stirring in me I didn't understand, almost a more general lust. I could not contain it, and knew that it couldn't be explored inside the relationship. I did not have the depth or language required. What did I do? I broke up with the most amazing woman on the planet. I did this knowing I wanted to be with her, but that I couldn't, which is to say I would have loved a "break" but knew it was bs.

It was devastating for both of us, but it was honest and respectful. I went off and flailed for a bit. I messed around with another woman, but that wasn't the focus. I just needed to flail. And the amazing woman? She did whatever she did. She dated around too, as people do. And we ended up getting back together, later, for another year and a half, most of it beautiful, none of it crazy and toxic. We're not married today—we ran the course long ago—but we love and respect each other. A "break" would have dented that love and respect; the "breakup" kept it in tact.

Maybe there was another path to not losing that kind of love, to nurturing it while nurturing complex truths.; finding that remains a search for me. But maybe there's something in there to help you, in the place you are right now.

In regard to what Wiseman pulled up, that says a lot. You knew she was doing this, then claim she went behind your back accepting nudes from a girl. But you were all in for having a threesome. Problem is, while you were giving her permission to explore, she wasn't giving you to the same to do without her. But you did.

This is a messed up dynamic and honestly it will do you both good to break up and go explore. Don't propose an open relationship as suggested, she isn't going to share you with someone of your choosing that you fall for.

I know I do not want to give up on her, but that doesn’t mean I can’t explore my feelings for someone else...

- You wanting to 'explore' your feelings are very much that - you wanting to move on.

Do NOT think you need to hang around for her.. If she is an adult now, she CAN & WILL survive without you in her Life.

We've all gone through that ( most).. having to deal with a breakup.

As for this?

I feel like this forum is filled with jaded lovers who had their hearts broken and all anyone wants to suggest is to run away from your problems and try elsewhere later.

- What you may not realize.. is your little 'secret' which is out now, has already broken HER :(.

Darn right this forum is filled with jilted lovers.. look at what it is about!

I do not think it’s selfish of me to not want to lose my current gf forever simply because we got a little lazy/bored in our relationship.

 

I am not suggesting that we necessarily set a timetable for this break, nor am I suggesting she seclude herself and wait for me to get my together.

 

I know I do not want to give up on her, but that doesn’t mean I can’t explore my feelings for someone else.... which very well may be a passing attraction.

 

I know it sounds conceited as hell, but she does not want me to dump her. I am basically her whole life. She doesn’t have many friends, she isn’t close with her family, her best friend is her sister who lives a few hours away. I have all this pressure on me as I am basically all she has in life. The thought of me completely getting rid of her hurts me, but it hurts me far worse to know what I’d be doing to her.

 

Everyone’s answer is to always give up and move on. Apparently if every relationship isn’t perfect then it should be closed off forever.

 

I feel like this forum is filled with jaded lovers who had their hearts broken and all anyone wants to suggest is to run away from your problems and try elsewhere later.

 

Are there any realistic people in here who actually feel like time and some therapy/counseling can actually make or strengthen a relationship that has hit a snag? Or is it just full of bitter people who are lonely and hateful?

You aren't looking for rehabilitation. You are justifying your need for a hall pass.

Suggesting that you won't make a complete break because it's not what she wants is a transparent attempt at rationalization on your part.

Have you spelled the truth out to her - that you want to place her on a shelf where you can keep her in case you want to run back and in the meantime you take someone else for a spin around the block to see how it feels? Would she still want you on those terms?

Isn't that why you want a "break"?

run away from your problems and try elsewhere