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My sister has cut me out of her life and it’s heartbreaking


sesameseeds

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Hello,

 

I am very sad that my sister has decided to cut me out of her life. It happened after I sent her a message from my older sister who she is not talking to.i told my older sister I do not want to get involved and she started crying and said ‘I don’t care about her and you will just side with that sister’. My older sister has tried to message her regarding her issue but the other sister just doesn’t respond.

 

Also she brought up this issue of childhood abuse that she brought up and I said I didn’t want to rehash the past and she hit the roof. I’ve tried many years being there and fighting her corner and telling her I know it’s wasn’t right. I don’t know what else to do as it’s not always easy discussing such a topic. She said just because you want a easy life and don’t want discomfort then you don’t want me talking about it. She’s cut me out and my sister and my mum. I’m heartbroken I tried saying sorry and I didn’t mean it but she hasn’t responded to my texts. I’m sad because once she makes up her mind about something it’s very difficult for her to let someone back in. Should I accept she wants nothing more to do with me and leave her alone? It’s heartbreaking as I do love her a lot.

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Give her time. You've tried to apologize and reach out to her. That's all you can do for now. Don't worry too much about it, but always let her know that you love her and are here for her no matter what. Continue to message her every now and then just so she knows she's on your mind and that you care for her. Eventually she will respond and some things may get resolved.

 

It's easier for someone to cut off people when those people give up on trying to communicate. That's your sister. Never give up on family.

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I would not get involved between sisters. I know it is hard when we love family. But don’t deny your sister her chance to grieve. She can’t grieve or tell her story on yours or your older sister’s time schedule . That is entirely up to her . People heal in their own time and in their own way .

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It's very likely that she was raised differently than you were, even though you have the same parents. There are many cases with a scapegoat child/golden child situation, and she may have been raised as scapegoat, while you were raised as golden, so the abuse she sustained was very real to her, whereas it simply wasn't for you.

 

So she is upset about something you can't see.

 

Yes, this is between her and your other sister, but you are all part of the same family. If she's cut out your mother, then that's who she feels abused her. You may have suffered as well, but she may have either suffered more or simply felt it deeper.

 

We can't know any of this. All we can know is that her hurt is very real, and all she wants from you is your support, your friendship, your ear. She is telling you, very loud and clear, what she wants from you: to listen to her. To hear her. To validate her. To be empathetic towards her, think about things from her point of view. Either do this, or she will simply no longer be in your life.

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Don't let anyone guilt trip and manipulate you when they are having a pity party and want to drag you in and then attack.

 

Let each sibling have whatever relationship/communication they want or do not want and don't get involved. All of you need to develop boundaries.

 

This is a blessing. You will feel better having a break from all this drama.

cut me out of her life. It happened after I sent her a message from my older sister who she is not talking to. My older sister has tried to message her regarding her issue but the other sister just doesn’t respond.
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Thank you for taking the time to reply. I have messaged her saying I hope she is well and that I would send her books that she needed. I hope so because I do love her very much despise what she may think or how I communicated. It’s very hard because the abuse took place between two of the sisters and I feel like I have to take sides.

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Was it mom or older sister who was abusive?

 

I would not have been the go between for them.

I would never tell someone that you don't "want to rehash" abuse. Rather, I will tell them that i agree it was abuse, and you are lost about how best to be there for her. Or examples on how you are working through it (counseling) etc. or better yet "someone is at the door -- can i call you back in a little while when we have both calmed down?"

 

At any rate- i don't think you can win here..... if neither sister were the abuser when you were kids then its a sister squabble. If older abused younger, then i would take more of a stand but good on setting a personal boundary. odds are they will wear themselves down and talk to you again eventually

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It's very likely that she was raised differently than you were, even though you have the same parents. There are many cases with a scapegoat child/golden child situation, and she may have been raised as scapegoat, while you were raised as golden, so the abuse she sustained was very real to her, whereas it simply wasn't for you.

 

So she is upset about something you can't see.

 

Yes, this is between her and your other sister, but you are all part of the same family. If she's cut out your mother, then that's who she feels abused her. You may have suffered as well, but she may have either suffered more or simply felt it deeper.

 

We can't know any of this. All we can know is that her hurt is very real, and all she wants from you is your support, your friendship, your ear. She is telling you, very loud and clear, what she wants from you: to listen to her. To hear her. To validate her. To be empathetic towards her, think about things from her point of view. Either do this, or she will simply no longer be in your life.

 

This is spot on advice. Take it from one who knows and has been (and is) that scapegoat. Your sister is finally learning to not play that role anymore and if you cannot help her through the pain and acknowledge it as well... She owes it to herself to cut out anyone who won't honor the reality of what happened. Since you love her, and what happened did in fact happen, what would be so difficult about hearing her and validating her? It doesn't mean you don't love the other sister. But in matters like these you can't just pretend it never happened because it will blow up one day and now it has. Your sister has to honor the truth so she can heal. Healing is the goal. This is how she can get there. A counselor can help to be sure, but having acknowledgment care and support from a family member is a whole lot quicker and has more impact for her healing. She is trying to fill in the gaping holes left in her self esteem because of abuse that she had to endure when she wasn't equipped to stop it. Call her. Tell her you have been doing a lot of soul searching and want to talk about things. Then--let her say what she needs to. It might take a while. Over a period of months even. But eventually she will get tired of talking about it too as she is healing and feels acknowledged.

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You seem to be experienced in this field. I feel like you are really similar to her and she replies to me with similar responses. My mum has and always tells her to just ‘forget about the past’ and has never accepted her issue. She said it happens to lots of children. Thank you for explaining yourself and how it feels because it has helped me understand how she must be feeling and why she is so deeply hurt. Perhaps I haven’t even thought of the SEVERITY of this issue and just been selfish to not try understand and be compassionate.

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You seem to be experienced in this field. I feel like you are really similar to her and she replies to me with similar responses. My mum has and always tells her to just ‘forget about the past’ and has never accepted her issue. She said it happens to lots of children. Thank you for explaining yourself and how it feels because it has helped me understand how she must be feeling and why she is so deeply hurt. Perhaps I haven’t even thought of the SEVERITY of this issue and just been selfish to not try understand and be compassionate.

 

Not sure who you were referencing but you can always PM me. It's wonderful that you care enough about your sister to want to try to repair the damage. In most dysfunctional families... They just let you go. You're already way more compassionate and aware than most siblings so hopefully you will be able to mend this with her by helping her through the pain, confusion hurt and turmoil that one lives with because they were abused and betrayed by the very people who are supposed to love them. She's got to work through that and get to acceptance and it's not easy.

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You need to stay out of it. Stop playing referee or family savior and communicator. This is between them. You are harming everyone involved by attempting to be an interpreter and therapist. Reflect on this and what kind of power over them you are looking for by doing this and claiming they forced you to?

 

They can and should, each on their own, be talking to therapists. Also reflect on your lack of boundaries, which you may have a blind spot for given the severe family dysfunction and over-enmeshment. You as well could benefit from a therapist guiding you through this and providing objective professional support.

I told the older sister that I didn’t want to get involved and she began crying and saying ‘you just care about her don’t you?’ And ‘she’s hurting me and you don’t even care!’ She cries at so many things. She’s 35 and the other sister is 29.
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Ah I see thank you. My older sister can be very emotional when things don’t meet her needs-she starts crying and gets really hysterical and I felt like the only way to meet her needs was to message the other sister out of despair.

 

Your elder sister needs to learn to quell her own needs. It is not up to your younger sister or you to meet the needs of your older sister that is her issue . She needs to learn to self soothe herself .

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Thanks for your advise wiseman. Are you a therapist by any chance?

 

The thing is it’s difficult because when I see the older sister for example it’s very much all we talk about: like I got raped by my ex, she’s very very vocal about all her problems a lot of the time and always ask my opinions on everything and when I get annoyed she gets really angry!! Like I told her just look it up yourself!

 

Then she tells me what the therapist says and I said its your business. This is the content of her conversation. I feel like she is constantly asking for my advice and guidance and that is the content of our conversation.

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This is for you to be the controller, it is not for either sister. Stop being the family "white sheep" and stirring the pot. Butt out. Just tell each sister to contact each other rather than trying to funnel everything through yourself. It's manipulative and divisive.

A I felt like the only way to meet her needs was to message the other sister.
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