Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 25

Thread: My sister has cut me out of her life and itís heartbreaking

  1. #11
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,041
    Gender
    Female
    Was it mom or older sister who was abusive?

    I would not have been the go between for them.
    I would never tell someone that you don't "want to rehash" abuse. Rather, I will tell them that i agree it was abuse, and you are lost about how best to be there for her. Or examples on how you are working through it (counseling) etc. or better yet "someone is at the door -- can i call you back in a little while when we have both calmed down?"

    At any rate- i don't think you can win here..... if neither sister were the abuser when you were kids then its a sister squabble. If older abused younger, then i would take more of a stand but good on setting a personal boundary. odds are they will wear themselves down and talk to you again eventually

  2. #12
    Silver Member fwdthinker's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    416
    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    It's very likely that she was raised differently than you were, even though you have the same parents. There are many cases with a scapegoat child/golden child situation, and she may have been raised as scapegoat, while you were raised as golden, so the abuse she sustained was very real to her, whereas it simply wasn't for you.

    So she is upset about something you can't see.

    Yes, this is between her and your other sister, but you are all part of the same family. If she's cut out your mother, then that's who she feels abused her. You may have suffered as well, but she may have either suffered more or simply felt it deeper.

    We can't know any of this. All we can know is that her hurt is very real, and all she wants from you is your support, your friendship, your ear. She is telling you, very loud and clear, what she wants from you: to listen to her. To hear her. To validate her. To be empathetic towards her, think about things from her point of view. Either do this, or she will simply no longer be in your life.
    This is spot on advice. Take it from one who knows and has been (and is) that scapegoat. Your sister is finally learning to not play that role anymore and if you cannot help her through the pain and acknowledge it as well... She owes it to herself to cut out anyone who won't honor the reality of what happened. Since you love her, and what happened did in fact happen, what would be so difficult about hearing her and validating her? It doesn't mean you don't love the other sister. But in matters like these you can't just pretend it never happened because it will blow up one day and now it has. Your sister has to honor the truth so she can heal. Healing is the goal. This is how she can get there. A counselor can help to be sure, but having acknowledgment care and support from a family member is a whole lot quicker and has more impact for her healing. She is trying to fill in the gaping holes left in her self esteem because of abuse that she had to endure when she wasn't equipped to stop it. Call her. Tell her you have been doing a lot of soul searching and want to talk about things. Then--let her say what she needs to. It might take a while. Over a period of months even. But eventually she will get tired of talking about it too as she is healing and feels acknowledged.

  3. #13
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2018
    Posts
    28
    It was the oldest sister that was abusive towards her. Is there any way I can message you personally as some of the details are too raw to splatter on here I feel and you seem

  4. #14
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2018
    Posts
    28
    You seem to be experienced in this field. I feel like you are really similar to her and she replies to me with similar responses. My mum has and always tells her to just Ďforget about the pastí and has never accepted her issue. She said it happens to lots of children. Thank you for explaining yourself and how it feels because it has helped me understand how she must be feeling and why she is so deeply hurt. Perhaps I havenít even thought of the SEVERITY of this issue and just been selfish to not try understand and be compassionate.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    52
    Posts
    36,799
    Gender
    Female
    Telling someone to just forget the past belittles them and their experience. It is re victimizing a person. It doesnít acknowledge and give credence to their pain .

  7. #16
    Silver Member fwdthinker's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    416
    Originally Posted by sesameseeds
    You seem to be experienced in this field. I feel like you are really similar to her and she replies to me with similar responses. My mum has and always tells her to just Ďforget about the pastí and has never accepted her issue. She said it happens to lots of children. Thank you for explaining yourself and how it feels because it has helped me understand how she must be feeling and why she is so deeply hurt. Perhaps I havenít even thought of the SEVERITY of this issue and just been selfish to not try understand and be compassionate.
    Not sure who you were referencing but you can always PM me. It's wonderful that you care enough about your sister to want to try to repair the damage. In most dysfunctional families... They just let you go. You're already way more compassionate and aware than most siblings so hopefully you will be able to mend this with her by helping her through the pain, confusion hurt and turmoil that one lives with because they were abused and betrayed by the very people who are supposed to love them. She's got to work through that and get to acceptance and it's not easy.
    Last edited by fwdthinker; 10-02-2018 at 10:02 PM.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    34,802
    Gender
    Male
    You need to stay out of it. Stop playing referee or family savior and communicator. This is between them. You are harming everyone involved by attempting to be an interpreter and therapist. Reflect on this and what kind of power over them you are looking for by doing this and claiming they forced you to?

    They can and should, each on their own, be talking to therapists. Also reflect on your lack of boundaries, which you may have a blind spot for given the severe family dysfunction and over-enmeshment. You as well could benefit from a therapist guiding you through this and providing objective professional support.
    Originally Posted by sesameseeds
    I told the older sister that I didnít want to get involved and she began crying and saying Ďyou just care about her donít you?í And Ďsheís hurting me and you donít even care!í She cries at so many things. Sheís 35 and the other sister is 29.

  9. #18
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    52
    Posts
    36,799
    Gender
    Female
    I agree doing the dirty work for your older sister ruined the relationship with your other sister. Stay out of it.

  10. #19
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2018
    Posts
    28
    Dear forward thinker,

    I have tried to PM you but I canít seem to do it on my mobile!

    Thanks

    Zara.

  11. #20
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    52
    Posts
    36,799
    Gender
    Female
    You probably donít have enough posts yet to use the PM system.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •