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Thread: "Perfect guy" but I don't love him

  1. #1
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    "Perfect guy" but I don't love him

    I've met a really wonderful guy, he's caring, intelligent, successful and seems to be very serious about me. We have been dating for a while but I don't get butterflies or excited to see him. I feel guilty because he is wonderful and I don't know why I'm like this. I am disappointed because he is the perfect guy but I can't fake the feelings that he has for me.

    There are a few issues that I have with him, firstly he can be really immature and argumentative. I have spoken to him about this and he just laughs it off.
    Secondly the sex is really bad, I have offered to show him what I like but he isn't really willing to listen and says he doesn't have "time" to put in for us to improve things.

    I don't know if I'm ever going to love him and I feel terrible about it. Has anyone been in a similar situation where they like someone but it just isn't working out the way you had hoped?

  2. #2
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    Yeah. My ex was very thoughtful and caring, was funny, super reliable, loyal and treated me very well. He was also good looking and had a great career, as well as tall with a great body.

    I ended things tho because I wasn't feeling it.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by justcuriousy
    firstly he can be really immature and argumentative. I have spoken to him about this and he just laughs it off.
    Secondly the sex is really bad, I have offered to show him what I like but he isn't really willing to listen and says he doesn't have "time" to put in for us to improve things.
    None of the above sound "really wonderful" nor "perfect". A caring person does not act like that. As for him being intelligent and successful, sadly, there are plenty of people who have these qualities, yet they are awful partners. Imo, you are focusing on his success and intelligence (i.e. the fact that he looks good on paper) to the point that you are trying to silence your intuition. This person is definitely not a perfect guy. Imo, you should trust your instinct and move on.

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    OP,

    The magical wonder that is falling in love either happens, or it does not. It doesn't matter how perfect he is on paper, how attractive, how securely employed, how kind, clever or loving. You either feel IT, or you do not. It's something intangible, indefinable, un-quantifiable. It just IS. It's when you can't eat or sleep and have him on your mind 24/7. It's when your whole body almost convulses on the way to a date. When you see a text from him and your stomach does an 'upside down flip'. When you stand next to him and feel like you're a volcano bursting with lava. When you touch his hand and feel as though you've been electrocuted.

    Re: sex.. nope, you can't teach someone to 'do it right'. They either do, or they do not. Same goes for kissing. He either CAN or CANNOT kiss in such a way that makes you dripping w**, pardon the sexual reference.

    In short, I wouldn't waste my time on him. Tell him something polite along the lines of 'I need to work on myself and cannot devote time and headspace to another person' and leave.

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    How is he perfect and wonderful if he doesn't take your concerns seriously?

    There are ways to minimize combativeness and work on poor intimacy, but it sounds as though he's not interested in doing so or thus improving the relationship. I'm not suggesting he's horrible, or even that it's all his fault, but I also don't think he's as amazing as you tell yourself he is.

    I would be honest and tell him you don't feel you're compatible and do not see a future together. Be kind, but be firm.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You don't even like the guy in a romantic way and yet you have sex with him, why?

    Honestly, just to use him? Why continue on with him or get into bed with him when you feel barely anything for him?

    Thinking he's a nice guy is not enough, you need to end things. Otherwise it just sounds like you're using him.

  8. #7
    Member frustrated1's Avatar
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    Sorry I disagree with above post in regards to sex. People can learn and adapt to one another's sexual 'style' lets say. But him not wanting to please you, or listen to your needs is an issue, and it will only get worse as the relationship progresses. It is a big part of a relationship, and being compatible in this area is quite important to the success of a relationship. He may sound 'perfect' on paper, but you're not getting your physical, or emotional needs met. There is no need to feel guilty, as you cannot force yourself to feel something you simply are not. How long have you been seeing each other by the way? Sometimes feelings can grow, but if you have been giving it a go for a while now, might be best to move on.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Disagree all you like. but I prefer to actually really like/love the man I am getting intimate with and I know there is butterflies and so on BEFORE we do anything.

    I don't jump into bed knowing it's already not that great or I'm barely feeling anything.

    Man, what a confused world we live in.

  10. #9
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    It's not about perfect on paper. It's about perfect for you. And that can be a vastly different person than perfect on paper. And it's strange to me that what you point out about his personality and inflexibility in the bedroom doesn't detract from "perfect??" Is the intelligent and successful part what is "perfect"? Caring doesn't jibe with not wanting to try to improve your sex life. And I think the issue is more that you don't feel the click, not the technical aspects of your sex life.

    Get very honest with yourself on what you think now would be "perfect for you" other than broad generalizations like "makes me happy" or "feeling butterflies". Obviously you need passion and chemistry to make a romantic relationship work. For me for example, I knew I needed someone with an edge -not a "bad boy" (although I chased a few of those in my day) - but someone who I felt was intelligent, intellectually curious, who kept me on my toes but in respectful way -not game playing or manipulative. Who would never be the yes man or the doormat (other than when I was in labor with our child of course lol) - who had a great sense of humor but funny in a way that was compatible with my sense of humor and not relying on sarcasm. Who was really into his work and career and not just a "job" or at least passionate about a hobby or arts-related pursuit. Oh and lots of inside jokes that last for years where you can just reference it with a few words and the other person gets it. And laughs. And yes- financially stable, wanted a family, family-oriented, certain religious-based values, etc.

    And yes the "click" is often hormonal/heart-based but it's also head based. Meaning if you click with someone who is just not healthy for you long term -or unavailable - then because you know yourself you're able to move on and walk away despite the heart/hormone pull and if you're really in a healthy place the click will fade or not be so important because you are balancing head and heart.

    I am talking about me but to show you the level of detail -you have to know yourself so you don't end up with just Perfect on Paper or Mr. Right for Now.

  11. #10
    Member frustrated1's Avatar
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    Was not disagreeing with you Sherry. Was disagreeing with metaltwin.

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