Jealous of my friend?

Hello. I've been feeling kind of awful lately and in general just do not know how to handle this situation.

Basically, my friend and I are both recent college graduates. We've been friends for around 3 years but in that time we became REALLY close friends. She opened up to me about her depression and told me all of her deepest secrets, and I did the same. I'm closer to her than the friends I've known for a decade. In college we spent all of our time together to the point where some friends thought we were dating because we had a very touchy relationship. If I wasn't in class or working then I was at her apartment or she was at mine, or we were together going somewhere. Anyway, since graduation things have been really hard for both of us. I've fallen into a deep rut and am pretty sure that I'm depressed. I went from the overachieving, great-at-everything-she-does student with a bright future to moving home with my parents, being unemployed, and single. It's been almost a year and I still don't have a full time job in my field, just a long long long list of rejections. My self esteem has definitely taken a hit and I've lost my hopeful/positive outlook on life. My friend has been feeling similarly but she didn't start applying for jobs until a few months ago where as I've been looking since graduation.

I had an interview for a job that I was REALLY excited about. I thought that I was going to get it because the interview went very well...but I got a call saying thanks but no thanks about a week later. For some reason this one completely devastated me. I was so excited about this job and while I know that getting an interview doesn't guarantee anything, it just really hurt when I got another no. Especially for this job, which I would've been perfect for. Fast forward a week and I get a text from my friend: "didn't you interview for *company*??" I said yes and she responded with "well guess who just got an interview with them." It was kind of like someone sucker punched me. Not to mention I knew that the moment she told me she got an interview, she'd get the job. And guess what - she did.

Am I wrong for being upset about this? I wouldn't want her to refuse the offer because I'm bitter that I didn't get the job but it also really freaking sucks. It's been a few weeks since she started working there and every conversation she's had with me has been about her job. I get it because that's her focus and what she's spending all of her time doing but she KNEW how upset I was about not getting it. The day I got rejected, I had a meltdown via text message to her. But now when she talks to me she casually says things like "blah blah blah was messed up tonight and all I kept thinking was how it would've gone so flawlessly if you were here." What??? I feel like she's not trying to brag but she is and in the process is continuing to twist the knife in my back. I started giving her little to no responses when she did this and I've barely heard from her or spoken to her for a few weeks now. It sucks, because I miss my friend. I want to tag her in memes on facebook and text her stupid details about my day and cry on her shoulder about how much life blows right now but I also can't pretend that I'm happy about this situation. She's very good at twisting every conversation to be about her so I know if I confront her about my feelings it will end in an "I'm such a terrible friend" cryfest from her and I just don't have the energy to console someone who is causing me pain right now. I know I'm being kind of a for being jealous about this job and I think I could've been okay if she would talk about ANYTHING else, but she won't.

I just don't know what to do. Should I just let the distance between us keep growing until our friendship fades away completely? Is it stupid for me to be so hurt by this?? She didn't set out to steal a job from underneath me. I just feel stupid and sad. Not to mention that she knows how much I'm struggling right now, in general, and she hasn't checked in on me whatsoever. When she was going through a really hard time in her life I was the one that sat there and held her hand and helped her pull herself out of the depression pit. It's not her job to fix me, that's on me alone, but it would be nice to have her return even an ounce of the care and compassion that I gave her.

I wish I could reverse time to a few years ago when everything was great. Any thoughts are appreciated.

Well....it sounds a bit like you are a huge giver and your friend is a taker. It was working fine as long as you didn't need anything from her. Unfortunately, now you are seeing that this friendship was shallow in a way and one sided. When you need her, she doesn't have the same capacity to give or be so much as considerate of your feelings at large. So, at least for the time being, probably best that you give this friendship some distance and let it fade. You can always pick up later if you wish. Remember that you also have other friends you can talk to.

Regarding the job seeking situation, sounds to me like you are failing at interviews. So time for you to get some serious help, constructive critique and coaching regarding that. No, please don't ask the recruiter - they don't do that. However, do find a life coach, someone who specializes in this kind of stuff and figure out what's happening in your interviews and how to fix that. Also, I know that some uni's do hold mock interviews where actual hiring managers/recruiters will give you that constructive criticism on what's going right and wrong during the interview. Look it up. Usually it's open to students as well as recent grads. Given the situation, you need to seek any and all resources available to brush up how you are presenting yourself in person.

Also, found your comment on how you figured she'd get the job interesting. What about her made you think she'd get it? Is it because she can turn on the energy and charisma? Maybe instead of being jealous, make this more constructive for yourself - what about her behavior would have gotten her the job and how can you emulate that in your next interview?

I think everything you are feeling is completely normal given the circumstances. I would just give it some time to process and give your friendship a break for the time being.

If you two are true friends, you will come back together at some point in time. But give yourself the space to work things out for yourself emotionally.

You won't feel like this forever.

Well, this is typical after graduation. Friends drift apart. But it sounds that she didn't care about you as much as you care about her. And then you revealed that she's self-absorbed and only cares about herself. So maybe she only used you in college and maybe she is the kind of friend you should allow to drift away. But do keep in touch with her in case there's any more job openings at the company she's at. Meanwhile, you've got to figure out what you're doing. Try to network with anybody you know in your field. Half of jobs are never posted, so you need some inside information to get ahead.

In interviews you have to sell yourself very well. Study a list of general and specialized questions for your field (you can easily find many on the web), write down the right answers and memorize them. Rehearse as much as you can because whatever you say has to sound natural and with conviction. Then, it is just a numbers game. Good luck :)

I don't think you're a very good friend or as close as what you make out to be if you can't talk to her about this. Even just saying something like, it really hurt that I didn't get that job so can we not talk about it for a while, just until I get over it?

Why is that so hard? I'm sure she has other friends or family she can talk to about her exciting new job in the meantime. And can you just keep reapplying for positions there.

Another thing, if you're getting interviews but no jobs you need to work on your interview skills. If you're not getting many interviews you need to work on your resume

Even just saying something like, it really hurt that I didn't get that job so can we not talk about it for a while, just until I get over it?

 

Why is that so hard?

The thing is that I DID say that to her. She's very aware of how I'm feeling about the whole thing and still does this kind of thing.

The thing is that I DID say that to her. She's very aware of how I'm feeling about the whole thing and still does this kind of thing.

Sometimes you have to break up with friends, it can be just as hard as breaking up with a boyfriend. If you explained it to her but she still not considering your feelings then she's just selfish.

Are you working at any job at all?

Consider temping to get inside of companies. From there you can establish good relationships and apply for unpublished jobs from within. Set appointments to interview at agencies, at least 3 per week, starting a radius closest to you. You can't just send your resume and hope for placement, you need to get on their 'active' roster by testing on any apps you claim you can use. If you do badly, you can revisit, use their tutorials, then test to raise your scores.

Temping gets you inside of companies to learn whether their culture and decide if it was a good fit for you. It's also a common method companies use to 'try before they buy'. Don't get frustrated when the agencies tell you that they have no jobs at the moment--that's typical, as no good agency has jobs lying around--they fill them immediately from their active roster. So get on their rosters.

These interviews take a lot of time, so schedule at least 3 mornings a week, then reward yourself with some afterward. This cycle will keep you focused and add structure to your life. When you actively get 'out there' to seek any temp position available (it really doesn't matter) you'll not only increase your opportunities by having an ACTIVE resume instead of a blank one for a year, you'll learn soft skills inside corporate cultures that will make you more valuable--and better at interviews.

I'd consider calling some of the companies that passed on you to ask how you could have interviewed better and whether or not you'd still be considered a candidate if you applied for other jobs there. In lots of cases, it's not that you did badly, it's that someone else did better. You may learn that a given company is still very open to seeing you again for another role.

Head high, and dwell less on the friendship right now. Unhealthy dependencies don't fare well under the pressures of real-world divergences, so don't consider this a make-or-break time for your friendship. Shift your focus toward improving your OWN life and you'll be less inclined to feel lousy about anyone else's success.

I really don't like how she told you about the job. My good friend in college got the job I'd interviewed for and really wanted but I don't remember her rubbing it in my face (and the interviewer had asked me an illegal question and my friend discovered years later that he was an awful boss so neither of us were that successful at that particular company). Anyway - she was tactless and I really agree with transitioning your energy to finding a job as Catfeeder suggested and distancing yourself from this friend. Don't beat yourself up about how you felt, ok?

You're feeling jealous because you don't have your dream job. If you did, you'd be texting each other all day, full of emoticons, super happy for each other.

She just got what you wanted. And while it seems as though she's rubbing it in your face, I don't see it that way. I see it as she's excited to have gotten the job, and since a job takes up so much of our lives, it's become an enormous part of her life, so it's what she has to talk about. No, I don't love the way she told you about it, but that sounds like it comes from her insecurities around you. She likely always feels like you're the one who always has things together, so she's like, cool, I got the job that she wanted, which puts her insecurities to rest for a bit.

When you become that close to someone, that fast, there can be power plays and competition, which lead to jealousies and insecurities, down the road. We see this all the time in these super hot & heavy relationships, where two people meet, fall in love, move in together, then they show up on this board after a couple of years, with a lot of issues.

Your friendship with her didn't develop slowly, blossoming over time, getting to know each other for years. It was instant chemistry, bam, with, as you say, even physical closeness. I've seen young women like you two, holding hands, hanging closely on the couch, walking arm in arm. Almost always, there is one person who leans on the other more, and in this case, it sounds like it was always her leaning more on you.

Be happy for her. It's not her fault she got the job and you didn't. As hurtful as this sounds, it's your fault. I know that sounds mean, but I intend it the way others here have said the same: Brush up on your interviewing skills.

There's a ton of interviewing skills research/coaches/books, etc. out there, but here are some tips:

--Research the company. A ton. Print out a ton of pages about them, and formulate some great questions that you can ask them about their company, their services, products, etc.

--Research their customer. Every company has customers. If it's a law firm, then it's their clients. If it's a software company, then it's the customers who use that software. Learn who some of their big clients are. The 80/20 rule applies in almost every business: 80% of the clients bring in 20% of the business. Learn who their 80% are.

--Dress professionally. I cannot stress this enough. Buy a new, GREAT FITTING suit, with all new accessories, new shoes, new blouse, everything. Do not rely on what used to fit you 10 lbs. ago, or might be pilled/have that one little rip that you don't think others will notice. They do.

--Show up with a smile and a firm handshake. Smile throughout the interview. Be lively. Be engaging. Be enthusiastic.

--Show up in the parking lot 30 minutes early. Yes, 30 minutes!!! Whatever your map says, add 30 minutes to it. Flat tire time and all. Walk into the building 15 minutes early. My boss (named Tom), calls this Tom-time. 15 minutes early means you are on time. He notes with this interviewees. If they are 5 minutes early, they are late, and they go to the bottom of the pile. Think this is unfair? It is. It's also a Fortune 100 company with amazing benefits, great packages, and well respected in the industry. Want to work here? Be 15 minutes early for everything. We have a young new hire, straight out of college, who has started to show up 5-10 minutes early, or just on time, for meetings, and he is already getting annoyed with her. If she doesn't like that, there's the door. Sorry, reality.

--Do not give lists of wants, demands, or the likes. See what they have to offer, and then ask if you can think about it. Do not tell them how much vacation time you need, or that you need to go to Aunt Sally's step-sister's baby shower in Maine in March. Leave your personal life out of it. They don't care.

If the OP is young-ish I would not spend a lot of money on a new suit and accessories especially if she is interviewing in different office environments. If what she has in her closet is in good condition -no stains or rips - maybe get it drycleaned. Shoes need to be unscuffed. A purse or file folder needs to be unscuffed. Otherwise no need to be dressed to the nines or have anything be "brand new". I was about 5-10 pounds less when I went back to interviewing 6 years after leaving my last job. I was in my 50s. I wore a suit that was 10 years old and I did not care if there were newer styles because it fit me beautifully and was in great condition. I bought new shoes that I just wore for interviews since shoes get so easily scuffed. I made sure I was clean, fresh, neat looking. That's all. As far as a blouse I wore a shell where only the neckline showed -also clean -did not remove my jacket.

I am only making a point of this because it's time consuming and expensive to get resumes printed (if that is still done), etc.

I would not show up in the person's office more than 10 minutes early. Why? Because they will announce you are there and if the person is busy they might feel pressured to hurry up and see you -you want your interviewer relaxed and if you are nervous you then have to sit really still and not draw attention to yourself. 10 minutes is fine. I never drove to an interview but yes I would get to the area 20-30 minutes early.

Have 3-5 questions ready that cannot be answered on the website or in any materials given to you. Like "what is the working environment like?" or specific questions pertinent to your job but again nothing that you should already know

In my office by the way and in the offices in which I worked people were on time but never more than 5 minutes early. Being late was not ok. So yes get to know your office environment and whether showing up on time means showing up early.

If you are nervous do 4-7-8 breathing (weil method) -no need to have a big smile on your face - have a positive approachable look and smile when appropriate. Match the affect/demeanor of your interviewer.

Be really nice to everyone you come in contact with -the receptionist, anyone who works in the building or might, etc.

Follow up with a thank you note. Spell everything right and read it backwards to make sure (last word first).

I did recruiting for a few years and have worked in 7 different office environments -mostly large companies -for about 20 years. I am not saying I am right -I like a lot of LHGirl's points and we've obviously had different work experiences!

You probably weren't the right fit for the job for whatever reason, so they didn't hire you. And tell you no. A week later she interviews, fits the bill, and gets the job. She didn't steal your job, like at all. It's not like you two were both candidates at the same time, and they were to choose between the two of you. You get that? You are just super jealous and being a crappy friend. Besides being there when sh*t hits the fan, a true friend is also happy for you when good things happen to you.

Plus, it's not like a dude...you don't get to call dibs on how she can pay for her bills.

Instead, get someone to review your resume, do practice interviews with, and get back out to sending out your resume. I interview people regularly, and while a few think they did awesome on the interview, they gave answers that did not match what we are looking for, or wouldn't be best for that department, but I'm super cordial, make jokes, and act very nice to them. Then, I take the person in charge on the department seriously if they want the person or not.

Your friend did not step on your toes. It's one thing if she set your alarm to go off late, and you were late, or she called them up and said you were crazy. But she didn't. There are other opportunities out there! Start networking more at functions.

Keep in mind, if your friend didn't interview for the job, you still wouldn't have gotten the job.

You don't need friends like this. Treat hr as an acquaintance, because she's not really a friend. She's into social rivalry and cattiness.

You can't talk to her or change her. You'll have to distance yourself and back away from this...eventually cut her out of your personal life.

I get a text from my friend: "didn't you interview for *company*??" I said yes and she responded with "well guess who just got an interview with them."