What should I do?

Hi All,

I apologize for the long read, but I can’t get this off my mind for the past month and would love to hear some opinions. I realize some of what I am sharing makes me seem like an , but I wanted to be as honest as possible. I also realize I made a ton of mistakes

My name is Chris and I am a 24-year-old recent graduate male. I met my ex-girlfriend about 2.5 years ago in college, we began dating with in 6 months of talking. We spent two years together (our final two years in college) with very little drama and had a healthy relationship. We rarely ever fought, neither of us got jealous, and we both enjoyed a lot of freedom. Over that two-year span, I always felt like I was in control of the relationship. Not saying that I did not treat her well, but more so she put a lot of effort in the relationship and treated me like a prince.

During our final year in college, she got a two job offers. One which was in San Diego where we were living at time. The other was an offer where she would get a free graduate program in Arizona and would also spend summers/winters in San Jose for an internship. At the time she was deciding which job offer she wanted to take, I wanted to be single. I wanted to be single not because I wasn’t happy with the relationship, but because I wanted to enjoy my youth and go meet young single girls (I know it sounds bad). Because I felt this way, I told her to take the job where she would spend the most of her time in Arizona and San Jose. I told her to take this job because it was better for her career, which is something she values very highly. When I explained this to her, I also mentioned that I didn’t think a long-distance relationship (LDR) was the best idea because of their low success rate. At the time, she broke down and wanted and explanation why wouldn’t even try the LDR but we eventually continued the next 6 months - year of our relationship.

During the last 6 months of our relationship, I took a job that involved a lot of out-of-state traveling. During my traveling, I noticed my ex but in a TON of effort regarding staying in communication while I was out of state. I did not reciprocate this at all because I wanted to make the detachment easier. Other than that, our relationship was healthy, but it was weird having an expiration date on it. Our final week together was even weirder, as neither of us knew how to handle it.

After she moved to San Jose to spend the summer in her internship, I moved to party area in my City and initially did not feel any repercussions from the break up because I was busy out having fun. We initially kept in slight contact, maybe talked once or twice a week. Because I was out partying, there were a few times I drunk called/texted her sharing that I missed her and still loved her. She handled the situation much more mature than I did and would say things along the lines of “Chris, I miss you too, but this is not healthy”. This happened a few times and eventually I felt hurt that she wasn’t ever contacting me sharing these feeling. She told me that she didn’t’ do so because she though I wasn’t a good idea. So eventually I warned her and total her I need to not stay in contact with her because there was too much temptation to break down and share my feelings.

A few days later, I told her that I was too emotional when I told her this and changed my mind because I couldn’t imagine not staying in contact with her. At times I even mentioned that I wanted to visit her but she told me no because she did not feel comfortable with it. She also mentioned that the last 6 months of us dating, when I was traveling a lot, was a test to see if we had the communication skills for LDR. She said we failed, even though it was clearly all because of my effort.

The following month, we stayed in minor contact. We both messaged each other every so often about small and minor thing. About a month after that, I came to a personal realization. I realized that I was happier in a relationship and being single didn’t mean as much to me as I thought it did. I realized I regretted not trying an LDR. I realized that it was something I was willing to try.

So about a month ago, I contacted her and shared my feelings with her expecting that she felt the same, or at least would after some convincing. To my surprise she told me that she was a different person after spending 2 months in San Jose and did not share the same feelings anymore. The conversation ended at this until month later.

A month later she was now living in Arizona and in school. Through social media, I noticed she was visiting San Diego one weekend. I reached out to her and told her I wanted to meet up and catch up. She blew me off and told she didn’t feel comfortable because she was afraid of how I would react to how much she had changed. That same day she was driving back to Arizona from San Diego, we talked on the phone for a few hours. I once again told her that I made a mistake and I regretted not trying the LDR. She once again told me she didn’t feel the same way and even went as far to say that she saw a guy her last month in San Jose (she has a very strict taste in males and this guy is the complete opposite of her taste) and caught feelings for him. She said she didn’t talk to him anymore because it was just a summer fling, but she told me that she felt a stronger connection with him in that month than her and I ever did.

This devastated the out of me. I wasn’t able to sleep or eat. I eventually was able to get mostly past it because I’ve been telling myself it was a summer fling, and the feelings are almost artificial because she was having such a fun time living in a new city and not having to deal with any stress related to school. I believe her being relieved from stress was the main cause of this. She generally was a stress case, to the point where her eczema would break out. When she moved to San Jose, her eczema went away, and she was calmer than ever. Being away from all the stress, I feel like she was on a high and that’s why she had such a strong connection with this guy. I also want to mention again, that this guy is the opposite of her type.

So, a few weeks after this conversation, I reached out to her and told her I wanted to share my feeling with her and asked for closure. She apologized for sharing that the saw the other guy and told me she shared it because she wanted me to move on. Towards the end of our conversation, we were once again on good terms.

During this conversation, she broke down and also mentioned that the stress of school was returning and how she wanted to go back to being stress free. To close out or conversation, I brought up how we wanted to treat our communication. She asked me my thoughts. I told her my thoughts on it depending on two things (1) how comfortable she was with it and (2) whether she still shared any feelings. Ultimately, I told her I was comfortable where I was at and I told her she was in-charge of reaching out for the first time of getting back into contact.

So here I am, two weeks later, and I feel like I’m in limbo. I want to be with her so bad, but I have deleted her off all social media and deleted her number just in case I had the urge to contact her. I think about her every day. I also feel like its worth mentioning that she is visiting this month.

So here is my dilemma, (1) do I move on completely, forget everything about her, drop all feeling I have for her? Or (2) do I hang on to my feelings and love for her until I hear back from her?

I know thinking of her is taking it's toll on me, but I feel confident I can win her back and I believe the pain will be worth it.

I feel so lost. She is the first girl I have ever met where I can picture a legit future with her and because of that, i don't want to let go.

Well, you basically made the decision to let the relationship die out. You regret it now, but this is all on you. Your feelings are too little, too late. She's moved on. So should you.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I agree with you that this is 100% my fault. So you think it's best to move on, even though i feel like there is something special there?

I noticed my ex but in a TON of effort regarding staying in communication while I was out of state. I did not reciprocate this at all...

 

Through social media, I noticed she was visiting San Diego one weekend. I reached out to her and told her I wanted to meet up and catch up. She blew me off...

 

Ultimately, I told her I was comfortable where I was at and I told her she was in-charge of reaching out for the first time of getting back into contact.

 

So here I am, two weeks later, and .... I also feel like its worth mentioning that she is visiting this month.

 

(1) do I move on completely, forget everything about her, drop all feeling I have for her? Or (2) do I hang on to my feelings and love for her until I hear back from her?

Option (1). Of course, there is no internal button you can press to just do this, so you have to let time take care of it.

I don't know if you intended a situation where you would not initiate contact, but that seems to be what you told her - so that means NIC forever from you. If you turn around now and contact her, you will look weak and unattractive, which is unlikely to bring her back to you. Her visiting this month is not a reason to break your self imposed NIC.

Hanging on to hope will retard the healing process. You need to get on with your life as it is now. The usual advice is to work on yourself, hit the gym, improve your career, and become a better version of yourself. That way if she does come back and take a look, she might like what she sees. If she doesn't, someone else might.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

 

I agree with you that this is 100% my fault. So you think it's best to move on, even though i feel like there is something special there?

Yes.

It takes two committed individuals that both believe it to be special for it to work.

She's moved on and has told you so more than once.

You are young and handled this selfishly. Take away the lesson this is giving you.

Yes.

It takes two committed individuals that both believe it to be special for it to work.

 

She's moved on and has told you so more than once.

 

You are young and handled this selfishly. Take away the lesson this is giving you.

Thank you for your response.

Could you please elaborate on what lesson specifically I should be taking away from this? I just want to make sure I am understanding this correctly.

You admittedly orchestrated the ending when you encouraged her to move out of state. You weren't considering what was good for her, but how it benefited you.

You admit over and over again that she did all the heavy lifting in the relationship and you took advantage of her good nature. . .until she had a taste of something different and possibly was treated better and decided not to return to what she previously had.

It's ok. . It's a lesson a lot of young people learn.

Just don't be doing it in your 40's

Being in a relationship often means you both put each others well-

being's first. She was doing so for you, but you were doing whatever felt good for you.

You wanted to be single and that's ok. But being mature often means you consider the other persons feelings at the same time. If you cared about her and wanted to be single, you recognize that you can't flip flop back and forth when it suites you. That's being very selfish.

You let her go and wish her well. . .even if you change your mind.

You take the time and fully consider the consequences of your actions before you make the decision to end a relationship.

You walked away and she most likely is not interested in coming back for more of the same.

You admittedly orchestrated the ending when you encouraged her to move out of state. You weren't considering what was good for her, but how it benefited you.

 

You admit over and over again that she did all the heavy lifting in the relationship and you took advantage of her good nature. . .until she had a taste of something different and possibly was treated better and decided not to return to what she previously had.

 

It's ok. . It's a lesson a lot of young people learn.

Just don't be doing it in your 40's

 

Being in a relationship often means you both put each others well-

being's first. She was doing so for you, but you were doing whatever felt good for you.

 

You wanted to be single and that's ok. But being mature often means you consider the other persons feelings at the same time. If you cared about her and wanted to be single, you recognize that you can't flip flop back and forth when it suites you. That's being very selfish.

 

You let her go and wish her well. . .even if you change your mind.

You take the time and fully consider the consequences of your actions before you make the decision to end a relationship.

 

You walked away and she most likely is not interested in coming back for more of the same.

That being said, does it make sense it to think that it was the correct decision? Because if i hadn't essentially orchestrated the ending, I would hadn't known I was no longer interested in the single life.

That being said, does it make sense it to think that it was the correct decision? Because if i hadn't essentially orchestrated the ending, I would hadn't known I was no longer interested in the single life.

I'm still not seeing understanding or regret rom you on how this might have felt for her.

I only hear regret about how this outcome affected you

This story reminds me a lot of myself.

My best advice would be to let it go. You have no control. The term “there are plenty of fish in the sea,” doesn’t equate to “there are plenty of women to meet,” but that there are plenty of people that want to find the same connection you’re searching for with your ex.

You can meet someone tomorrow, that would spark an interest, but you will be unsure, simply because you still feel this attachment towards your ex. You may find an interest in someone that you don’t feel “it” with simply because they’re attached to their career, for example. Someone may have met you and felt pushed away because you had an attachment to your ex, for example.

The point I’m trying to make is that you can’t focus on one person to make you happy. You need to find happiness in the fact that the people you meet have their own desires. The girls that “don’t compare,” are also people that are looking for happiness. Whether they’re ready to share what you’re looking to share with your ex is another story.

Don’t close yourself off to opening up to other possibilities, but only when you understand that it may not be her.

I remember every relationship I’ve had whether it be someone I broke up with or someone that broke up with me. I find that it’s only when you’ve accepted the ending, an new beginning can happen. At this point, she has to cross your path, but you can also meet someone that excites the same feelings. That can only happen after you have accepted, that at this point in time, what you two had mutually is no longer there.

Some people on here will be a little presumptuous, salty, or on point with their advice. Figure it out in your own but don’t forget that everyone has their own feelings and their own struggles you may not know about.

The one thing I took away from the hours I’ve spent watching how to get an ex back videos is that- “you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” I’d personally change the “feels” to “is.” Move forward. You can’t change the past.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

 

I agree with you that this is 100% my fault. So you think it's best to move on, even though i feel like there is something special there?

Eh, I don't really buy that. I think you believe that, now that she is gone and not interested in you anymore and you didn't have much luck on the single scene, but you sure didn't behave that way while you had her. My guess is that if you two reunited, you would bounce again, sooner or later. You were indifferent about her for a long time; I think you need to remember that. If it were truly something special to you, you wouldn't be here now wondering how to get her back. Something in you wanted out and wanted her to go away. Needing to go out and experience the single life in order to truly appreciate her is precisely why a reconciliation would probably not work out. Her value should not be apparent only when she is no longer an option for you. She knows this too.

Whether or not the new guys in her life are usual type doesn't matter. She realized there are other men out there who will pay attention and give her the time and appreciation she deserves. Unfortunately, you can't compare to that now.

I agree with the others that you are young, and the way you handled this is a reflection of your immaturity. But you can learn and grow from this, by remembering that there sometimes are no second chances and you need to do a better job appreciating what you have in front of you. Leave her be now. She is moving on and it would be best for you to do the same.

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