Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 18 of 18

Thread: My parents will not stay out of my personal life (31 years old)

  1. #11
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2018
    Posts
    5
    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    What's the cultural and/or religious context here? Your fathers post sounded like a man accustomed to preaching.
    We live in a western country and are of Mediterranean descent. My father works in real estate as a developer. Both my parents drink alcohol.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,679
    Gender
    Female
    Honestly, what is your father doing stalking your ex on Instagram? I recommend that you both unfriend your family. You set your own boundaries when other people won't obey them. Block/have a private instagram... If you can't manage how your family treats her or b) refuse to participate in drama by blocking them/not interacting with them for awhile when they are not behaving and have a separate life, then maybe your fiancee is dodging a bullet if she left.

    Honestly, if my niece was playing beer pong on social media, i would not be thrilled. If she wanted to PLAY it, that's on her -- but if she posted it- i would hope she would care about how potential employers saw her. If your dad is worried that she is drunk around men, etc, then i can understand but it did't come out that way.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    9,635
    Gender
    Female
    When you become an adult, you move away from your parents - physically, as well as psychologically and even emotionally. Meaning that you no longer live with them and also, don't visit them constantly. Psychologically and emotionally, you focus on your own life, your views and perspectives, your friends, your relationship and being your own person. Your parents fade into the background of all of that. It doesn't mean that you stop loving them, but it does mean that you no longer place the same weight on their moods, wishes, opinions, etc, etc, etc as you did when you were a child. There is another term for it - developing healthy adult boundaries. This is on you to develop and the more controlling your parents are, the more challenging that will be.

    Going by the way you are posting, you are making an awful lot of excuses for your parent's bad behavior. So I have to ask you - has it occurred to you at all that the reason you have such tensions and grew up not knowing your cousins is because your parents are the problem? They are demonstrating that same exact problematic behavior to you right now. They aren't victims of their age or generation or other family members - they are the instigators. The sooner you open your eyes and accept that, the better you'll be able to distance yourself appropriately from their drama instead of seeking to "keep everyone together." You are a grown man, you are supposed to move away.....literally and metaphorically speaking here.

    Since you work with your father, keep things to business. Have a few things you'll do with your parents, aka holidays. Still strive for friendly civility rather than being too close. Your parents shouldn't be on your social media. That's just another one of those boundary things. If they are, their access needs to be limited to what they can and cannot see as much as possible. For example, many friends of mine have two accounts - one for family and another for friends and so on. The family accounts are kept squeaky clean and neutral - posting cute baby pics, no commentary really other than best wishes for this or that. Your parents do not need to see or be involved in your friend's and other social life. You are no longer a child and there needs to be a boundary for that coming from YOU.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,679
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    When you become an adult, you move away from your parents - physically, as well as psychologically and even emotionally. Meaning that you no longer live with them and also, don't visit them constantly. Psychologically and emotionally, you focus on your own life, your views and perspectives, your friends, your relationship and being your own person. Your parents fade into the background of all of that. It doesn't mean that you stop loving them, but it does mean that you no longer place the same weight on their moods, wishes, opinions, etc, etc, etc as you did when you were a child. There is another term for it - developing healthy adult boundaries. This is on you to develop and the more controlling your parents are, the more challenging that will be.

    Going by the way you are posting, you are making an awful lot of excuses for your parent's bad behavior. So I have to ask you - has it occurred to you at all that the reason you have such tensions and grew up not knowing your cousins is because your parents are the problem? They are demonstrating that same exact problematic behavior to you right now. They aren't victims of their age or generation or other family members - they are the instigators. The sooner you open your eyes and accept that, the better you'll be able to distance yourself appropriately from their drama instead of seeking to "keep everyone together." You are a grown man, you are supposed to move away.....literally and metaphorically speaking here.

    Since you work with your father, keep things to business. Have a few things you'll do with your parents, aka holidays. Still strive for friendly civility rather than being too close. Your parents shouldn't be on your social media. That's just another one of those boundary things. If they are, their access needs to be limited to what they can and cannot see as much as possible. For example, many friends of mine have two accounts - one for family and another for friends and so on. The family accounts are kept squeaky clean and neutral - posting cute baby pics, no commentary really other than best wishes for this or that. Your parents do not need to see or be involved in your friend's and other social life. You are no longer a child and there needs to be a boundary for that coming from YOU.
    Spot on.

    And there is always the option of looking for a job unless this is a generations old family business you will take over

    If you cannot break the tie, your marriage will be hell for your wife. I know. My ex had his family always running him over.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    52
    Posts
    36,337
    Gender
    Female
    [QUOTE=ZAR1234;7053146]Thank you for all the responses so far, I really appreciate all of you giving of your time.



    My father and I work together, my fiance is fortunately not involved.



    And that is one of the unfortunate parts of working with family. They are all up your nose and in your business .

  7. #16
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    21,952
    Gender
    Female
    You don't need to have face-offs with your parents over social media when you and fiance can just block them and move your focus forward.

    With maturity comes discretion. Use it wisely.

  8. #17
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2018
    Posts
    5
    Hi everyone,

    I have started seeing a therapist with my parents and it seems to be going well. I'm hoping to keep as close a relationship with my parents as possible, while establishing boundaries and eliminating social media overlap.

    I believe that their actions come from a place of love, but I completely agree that they are overbearing and that the way they go about things is completely inappropriate and has the potential to cause huge damage to my relationship and to my fiance. Out of love or not, the consequences are the same. I also agree that it is my responsibility to draw and enforce boundaries.

    Your advice above has been very helpful to me and I sincerely thank all of you for your time. I appreciate it and I will do my best to pay it forward.
    Last edited by ZAR1234; 10-05-2018 at 01:06 PM.

  9. #18
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    52
    Posts
    36,337
    Gender
    Female
    I hope everything goes well!

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •