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There is a guy I've known for about 4 years, we were in the same classes in college and got along pretty well. We did our internships together and would have lunch or just talk everyonce in a while. It is important to note that he stated right at the beginning of our friendship that he was only attracted, both physically and intelectually, to men. In fact, he claimed he didnt even like spending time with women that much. Time passed by and about a week ago I recieved a facebook message from him (haven't seen him for about a year) asking to meet up. It is also important to say that I've had a boyfriend for 5 years and I am very open about my relationship on facebook, always posting photos of us together and such.

I let my bf know I'll be going out with a friend and, sure enough, my friend and I meet up for beers and he asks to leave his car at my house and take a Uber in case he drinks a bit too much, to which I say yes. Once we're done at the bar, we go home and I expect him to get in his car and leave, but he insists the night is young and so he comes in and we keep drinking from a bottle of tequila I had laying around. We dance (something I LOVE to do) and start sharing memories about our time in college and a few of our classmates and then slowly get into more personal stuff about our families and hurtful things about our past - just like any other friends would do. Then I start noticing he's getting a little touchy and has his hand on my stomach, but I don't make anything of it. First of all because I'm actually a very physical person, I hug all my friends and because we were talking about sensitive subjects, I just tought he was trying to comfort me. Besides, I was still under the impression he was GAY. Anyway, it got to the point where he tried to kiss me- so, so fast I did NOT see it coming. I pulled away and said very clearly that that was not what I was looking for. He said he didnt plan it, he just suddenly felt like kissing me, but was okay with me saying no. Up until this point I was weirded out, but I attributed it to him being drunk and I said so. He respondded he wasn't drunk (and indeed, he did not look or sound drunk at the time). I started feeling a bit uncomfortable, but because it was very late at this point he asked if he could just stay over because he really didn't want a ticket for driving under the influence. I said yes and showed him the guest room- and that is when things started getting creepy. He pulled me with him on the bed and I immediately tried to get off him, but he was holding me very, very tightly and telling me to just lay there with him for a bit. I said NO maybe half a dozen times and tried my hardest to pull away, and he finally let go when I raised my voice. I got up, and guess what? he followed me back into the living room. I was very, very confused because this is a guy I like, I enjoy spending time with and trusted. Also, a million things were going through my head, for example, Would I allow him to kiss me if I didn't have a boyfriend? probably. When I first met him I was a bit attracted to him, the way he spoke, the way we felt comfortable with each other and even the way we danced together. But in all the years we has known each other I had a name for that chemestry we had and in my mind it was friendship. Anyway, he followed me back into the living room and continued drinking, about half an hour passed by and he got pretty drunk. Started making rude comments about women ( how men are smarter and such) but I was just ignoring him at that point. He finally said he was going to bed and leaned down to kiss my forehead, then tried to kiss me in the lips AGAIN. I moved my head from one side to the other, avoiding his mouth and he ended up holding both my wrists against the couch, leaned further down and kissed the top of my breasts. I was speechless. I said STOP several times before he stopped. He went to the guests' room, I went to mine, switched into my pijamas and tried to sleep. Five minutes later he was back. He asked if he could please, please share my bed. I said NO. He begged. Promised he wouldn't try anything, that he was so drunk he woud immediately fall asleep, he just wanted to lay next to me. I said yes, and true to his word he did fall asleep immediately, but holding me really close, his arms around me. As soon as I was sure he wouldnt wake up, I went to the guests's room and locked the door. Next morning we both acted like nothing was wrong, went out for breakfast and I made a point to talk about meeting my bf later. I'm so confused. Did I lead him on by dancing, by letting him out his hand on my stomach, by agreeing to him staying over? And why, WHY did he look so vulnerable asking to just lay next to me after being almost aggresive? Why did he hold me so close, as if he had feeling for me when 1. I know for sure he does NOT 2. I'm a girl, and by HIS definition, not intelligent/ attractive? (things I knew, but still liked him enough to hang out with him everyonce in a while- even making fun of his misogynist ideas because he was never disrespectful in any direct way)

I feel used, disrespected, confused and even feel like I cheated on my boyfriend because part of me knows that if I'd known he wasn't entirely gay, I might have been attracted to him at one point.

 

Was this some sort of assault?

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Yeah, I would say you were sexually assault, particularly because of what you're feeling afterwards. The feelings of being used, disrespected and confused are typically those associated with being assaulted. I don't think it rises to the level of criminality however. It's a he said, she said situation. But you may want to speak with a professional if these feelings continue. It's not your fault. You were very clear. He took advantage of you and your good nature, and he was flying under a false flag. You did not lead him on. You should definitely have nothing more to do with this guy and block him on all social media.

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Yes, this was assault. The public isn't usually equipped to understand the dynamics involved with sexual assault, so I always like to direct those affected to please reference this website instead:

 

https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline

 

If you are in the US, you can use the professional hotline there for help, or perhaps be directed to other appropriate resources in your area. Those who commit sexual assault are typically friends or someone you know. I would immediately talk to a professional or the police, if you want, before disclosing this situation to your boyfriend. This is a serious offense, even though it's often not treated as such. It is likely you will experience victim shaming, so please go to the experts for assistance.

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You could go to the police, but it will be a very difficult case. There is no ER report, no rape kit, no blood alcohol level to verify your level of sobriety and no evidence, so unfortunately it will become a he said/she said situation.

 

When you state your allegation he will be arrested and get a criminal defense attorney. Whether you have a strong case as a complaining witness would come out at trial.

 

Keep in mind he will testify to the things stated below and you have no physical evidence, nor did you call the police, go to a doctor or throw him out. His defense will, of course, be that it was consensual and this is a false allegation.

 

Hopefully you don't feel like you cheated on your bf, even though you went out with a guy you're attracted to, got drunk, went back to your place and things got out of hand/ugly and led to this unfortunate situation

-he comes in and we keep drinking

-Would I allow him to kiss me if I didn't have a boyfriend? probably.

 

-He asked if he could please, please share my bed.

 

-I said yes, and true to his word he did fall asleep immediately, but holding me really close, his arms around me.

 

-Next morning we went out for breakfast

-feel like I cheated on my boyfriend

-I might have been attracted to him at one point.

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Yes, it is assault. Yes before he assaulted you you acted inappropriately as far as you being in a committed, exclusive relationship - unless your boyfriend is ok with you inviting drunk guys into your home and dancing with them (you didn't mention) then aside from you being a victim of sexual assault, yes you acted inappropriately for someone in an exclusive relationship. I had drunk guys make passes at me when I was in an exclusive relationship -one was even the brother of my boyfriend at the time! - but not in a situation where I chose to drink, and chose to be alone with a drunk guy in my home. I get that he is just a platonic friend but it was playing with fire -as far as your boyfriend -to invite him in drunk and dance with him.

 

Aside from that NO I do not think you asked to be assaulted at all. I think you alllowed him to touch your stomach and dance with you and that is it. You said NO clearly and he needed to back off. Instead, he assaulted you.

 

I don't want to go there as far as whether you should report because I am not a professional. I know there are hotlines you can call for advice and I think someone posted that above. I agree.

 

I think you are very lucky he didn't rape you and I am really sorry he assaulted you.

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I said I could have been attracted to him at one point. This was not the first time we hung out, my boyfriend knows him and he always said he was gay. Still, yes, I do feel responsible for what happened and know I could have prevented it.

 

I do not think you were responsible for the assault. At all. Please reread what I wrote if you have any question about that.

 

I think you chose to play with fire as far as what's appropriate behavior when you are exclusive with someone. Rumors about sexual orientation are irrelevant. I get that you felt the same as if you were hanging out with a straight woman, I get that your boyfriend believes he is gay and you chose to dance with him and once he touched you I am sure you knew it was because he felt attracted to you. So at that point- for the sake of your relationship - you should have stopped the action in case he got the wrong impression as far as you being available to hook up with him.

 

A separate issue is the assault. You did not lead him on to believe that you were asking for sexual assault. When you said NO the first time he needed to stop whether or not you had a boyfriend. Before you said no it's fine that he was trying to hook up. You and he chose to drink and chose the consequences -you chose to cheat on your boyfriend (or at least behave inappropriately) and he chose to assault you.

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I agree. It was very innappropriate. I keep telling myself it was because he always, always said he was gay and I never in a million years would have thought he'd do something like this. I was not specific about this, but I was not drunk at any point. I did not choose to be alone with him, I have a roomate who happened to be out that night and I didn't know, she was actually supossed to meet us at the bar (never did). But I do realize I should have thrown him out the second he started becoming aggressive. About the dancing part- I love dancing, we took dancing lessons together a few years ago and- to me- it was completely normal. It was until everything else happened that I saw it as something stupid on my part.

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Yes and no. He knows this guy, it's someone I've even given presents to. My roomie and other friends were supossed to join us. So I told him what happened, but because they know each other I lied and said it was someone another friend had brought along and that I didn't know that person very well. I had to give an explanation, because he noticed me acting weird ( by weirs I mean avoiding all type of physical contact).

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But you were dancing with a drunk guy in your home. Not during a dance lesson which is totally different. He might be gay and he might have chosen to drink in order to experiment on you. You wrote "we were drinking from a bottle of tequila" so you also were drinking. Maybe not drunk but obviously tequila is strong.

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You are asking a question. However you have some decisions to make. Are you going to press charges? Are you ready to end this "friendship"?

 

What rendition of the events do you plan on telling your bf? How will you explain agreeing to cuddling in bed and going to breakfast after this alleged assault? Will you omit that part because you're afraid your bf will breakup?

 

Will you tell your bf you were assaulted to prevent any assumption that it was cheating? What will he make of your "gay" friend?

I did not choose to be alone with him. But I do realize I should have thrown him out the second he started becoming aggressive.
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Here is what I would do. I would tell the boyfriend that you danced with your friend while he was drunk because the friend had told you he was gay so to you it was like dancing with a woman friend. That you said no as soon as it turned to him being too aggressive.

 

The consequences though are the boyfriend might try to retaliate against your friend. Are you ok with that?

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I do not think you were responsible for the assault. At all. Please reread what I wrote if you have any question about that.

 

I think you chose to play with fire as far as what's appropriate behavior when you are exclusive with someone. Rumors about sexual orientation are irrelevant.

 

 

Except it wasn't a rumor. It was something he mentioned multiple times directly to me. I agree with everything you're saying except this part. Your brain (or at least mine ) does not go immediately decide someone is not gay because they place a hand on my stomach. I DO feel like I cheated on my bf, but I also feel like I was cheated by being told for years something that wasn't completely true. Would I have a straight guy friend over once I relaized my roomate was not home? No. These were all bad choices I made. Terrible choices, but they all started with the trust I had in a friend that had never shown interest in me THAT way. I just wish I'd been smart enough to throw him out as soon as things started to escalate.

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You are asking a question. However you have some decisions to make. Are you going to press charges? Are you ready to end this "friendship"?

 

What rendition of the events do you plan on telling your bf? How will you explain agreeing to cuddling in bed and going to breakfast after this alleged assault? Will you omit that part because you're afraid your bf will breakup?

 

Will you tell your bf you were assaulted to prevent any assumption that it was cheating? What will he make of your "gay" friend?

 

No, I will not press charges. I asked a question and I got an answer. I'll be honest and say I was looking for validation for everything I feel at this time, but it looks like I brought this upon myself. I would like to note that when I agreed to ''cuddle'' with him it was not something I wanted. He would not leave my room. As soon as he feel asleep I went to the other bedroom and locked the door. It's scary to hide from a ''friend'' inside your own house. It's scary to have your wrists held and to push that person away as hard as you can and still not being able to free yourself until he decides to let you go. It's disgusting to remember having someone's mouth on your breasts when you said NO. Will I tell my bf exactly what happened? I guess not. Just as you said, he will most likely call it cheating. And maybe it was, but if that's the case it was not one bit planned or intentional. I love him and would never hurt him. The friendship is over, it probably never existed, anyway.

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I do not think you were responsible for the assault. At all. Please reread what I wrote if you have any question about that.

 

I think you chose to play with fire as far as what's appropriate behavior when you are exclusive with someone. Rumors about sexual orientation are irrelevant.

 

 

Except it wasn't a rumor. It was something he mentioned multiple times directly to me. I agree with everything you're saying except this part. Your brain (or at least mine ) does not go immediately decide someone is not gay because they place a hand on my stomach. I DO feel like I cheated on my bf, but I also feel like I was cheated by being told for years something that wasn't completely true. Would I have a straight guy friend over once I relaized my roomate was not home? No. These were all bad choices I made. Terrible choices, but they all started with the trust I had in a friend that had never shown interest in me THAT way. I just wish I'd been smart enough to throw him out as soon as things started to escalate.

 

I understand that you felt he mislead you. I didn't realize he had told you he was gay. Your post was full of details and unclear - you weren't drunk but invited a drunk person into your home and you offered him tequila which you drank too so you can understand why I would think from what you wrote that you also were drunk.

 

Hopefully you are not referring to any of my posts as far as feeling validated that you were assaulted. I've written several times that I believe you were.

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First of all, yes it was assault. Everything that he tried to do after you said no and made it clear that you weren't up to what he wanted counts as assault.

 

Second, you didn't invite him into your house with intent for things to go that way. He actually invited himself with a pretext that he is too drunk to drive. So what were you supposed to do as a friend? Tell him to get lost or sit in his car until he is sober? Obviously not. You did the only thing possible under the circumstances and invited him in. Unfortunately, that also put you in a bind and a severe disadvantage because short of physically throwing him out or calling the cops, you couldn't get rid of him if he didn't want to leave. Still, you didn't cause it, only responded to the circumstances as they were happening.

 

Third, no you didn't cheat on your bf and you didn't bring this onto yourself in any way. If anything, you got manipulated into this situation by a man you've known and trusted for a long time. His sexual orientation and you finding him attractive at some point are completely irrelevant points. The harsh reality is that most of rapes and sexual assaults happen exactly like this - not some stranger attacking a woman on the street, but someone she knows and trusts taking advantage of that trust and forcing himself because "he wants to". Pretty much what he said to you to your face. He felt like it. You are not alone by far in terms of what happened and this unfortunately the sad misconception about these kinds of things. Whenever someone mentions sexual assault, people imagine strangers. In reality, majority of the cases are men that the women knew for years, trusted. These situations can often be disorienting and confusing to the victims because of that. Please do not feel guilty or ashamed. There is NO WAY you could have foreseen what happened here and no, you didn't encourage him. You were very very clear that his behavior was unwelcome and trust me, he heard you the first time, but it seems he had an agenda and didn't care.

 

That said, in your shoes, I'd probably let him have a piece of my mind about it and sever the friendship forever. His behavior was too disgusting for words.

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Yes, in my view, you led him on. That's obviously a relatively subjective standard, though. But that still doesn't entitle him to anything the moment you do finally decide to assert your boundaries. So, yes, it was assault. You're not responsible for that.

 

In your boyfriend's shoes, it'd boil down to two separate issues. I'd of course be sympathetic to the fact you were assaulted. But I also want my partner to have her own social and night life without worry. That would mean her being strong and assertive about her boundaries when needed. I don't think I'd be able to after learning of this and would most likely be making my exit. Everyone is different, though.

 

As for whether to report, I likewise couldn't advise you on your best interests there. You could reach out to some women's advocacy groups who have the information and experience to properly weigh a potential "positive" outcome against the time and stress involved in an investigation and potential trial. It's unfortunately a consideration that needs to be made when reporting any criminal act lacking tangible evidence.

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First of all, yes it was assault. Everything that he tried to do after you said no and made it clear that you weren't up to what he wanted counts as assault.

 

Second, you didn't invite him into your house with intent for things to go that way. He actually invited himself with a pretext that he is too drunk to drive. So what were you supposed to do as a friend? Tell him to get lost or sit in his car until he is sober? Obviously not. You did the only thing possible under the circumstances and invited him in. Unfortunately, that also put you in a bind and a severe disadvantage because short of physically throwing him out or calling the cops, you couldn't get rid of him if he didn't want to leave. Still, you didn't cause it, only responded to the circumstances as they were happening.

 

Third, no you didn't cheat on your bf and you didn't bring this onto yourself in any way. If anything, you got manipulated into this situation by a man you've known and trusted for a long time. His sexual orientation and you finding him attractive at some point are completely irrelevant points. The harsh reality is that most of rapes and sexual assaults happen exactly like this - not some stranger attacking a woman on the street, but someone she knows and trusts taking advantage of that trust and forcing himself because "he wants to". Pretty much what he said to you to your face. He felt like it. You are not alone by far in terms of what happened and this unfortunately the sad misconception about these kinds of things. Whenever someone mentions sexual assault, people imagine strangers. In reality, majority of the cases are men that the women knew for years, trusted. These situations can often be disorienting and confusing to the victims because of that. Please do not feel guilty or ashamed. There is NO WAY you could have foreseen what happened here and no, you didn't encourage him. You were very very clear that his behavior was unwelcome and trust me, he heard you the first time, but it seems he had an agenda and didn't care.

 

That said, in your shoes, I'd probably let him have a piece of my mind about it and sever the friendship forever. His behavior was too disgusting for words.

 

I didn't know he had told her he was gay. As far as being too drunk to drive she could have called him an uber or decided not to offer him more alcohol or dance with him. Especially not more alcohol. He could have gotten really sick in her home.

 

I've never, personally, assumed sexual assault was typically a stranger. I was almost attacked by a stranger but my experiences with sexual assault were more along the lines of "date rape" (although I was not raped, thank goodness and glad the OP was not either).

 

I also would have no contact with this friend ever again.

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Were you assaulted...honestly, that's a tough one.

 

You danced with him, you let him come home with you. You have a bf, so why would you do those things?

 

The point where it get's confusing for me as to whether it was assault or not was after he tried it the first time, you said no...but you let him stay and you allowed him to get close to you again.

I don't understand that part. If you felt threatened, why not kick him out right then and there?

 

But you let him get close to you, not just once, but two more times. That's the part that makes it look bad.

He should have been out the door and you ringing the police after he tried it the first time and you said no.

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Have you spoken to this friends since?

Will I tell my bf exactly what happened? I guess not. Just as you said, he will most likely call it cheating. And maybe it was, but if that's the case it was not one bit planned or intentional.The friendship is over, it probably never existed, anyway.
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I'm honestly shocked at some of the posts on here and the victim blaming going on. Questionable if it was assault? Seriously? The first time you could say it wasn't. He tried, she pushed him off and made it clear that this was not welcome. THAT is the red line and where this stops. Literally everything he attempted afterward was assault. As for gosh, why didn't she just throw him out right away - I'd love to see you throw a man out. Truly shaking my head. So many strong brave souls who are such clear thinkers in a confusing situation.

How about the OP expected what any rational person would expect - I know you, I said no, I figure you are now going to respect that. He didn't. That's the problem.

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I'm honestly shocked at some of the posts on here and the victim blaming going on. Questionable if it was assault? Seriously? The first time you could say it wasn't. He tried, she pushed him off and made it clear that this was not welcome. THAT is the red line and where this stops. Literally everything he attempted afterward was assault. As for gosh, why didn't she just throw him out right away - I'd love to see you throw a man out. Truly shaking my head. So many strong brave souls who are such clear thinkers in a confusing situation.

How about the OP expected what any rational person would expect - I know you, I said no, I figure you are now going to respect that. He didn't. That's the problem.

 

 

Thank you so much. That's all I can say.

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I'm honestly shocked at some of the posts on here and the victim blaming going on. Questionable if it was assault? Seriously? The first time you could say it wasn't. He tried, she pushed him off and made it clear that this was not welcome. THAT is the red line and where this stops. Literally everything he attempted afterward was assault. As for gosh, why didn't she just throw him out right away - I'd love to see you throw a man out. Truly shaking my head. So many strong brave souls who are such clear thinkers in a confusing situation.

How about the OP expected what any rational person would expect - I know you, I said no, I figure you are now going to respect that. He didn't. That's the problem.

 

Thank you. Exactly why I advised the OP to seek assistance elsewhere. Unfortunately she didn't heed the warning and is, to a degree, thinking she cheated on her boyfriend/led this self proclaimed gay man on. Now it has become a "you should have done this instead of that" debate. It is victim shaming, despite classifying this was sexual assault. The dynamics in sexual assault are not cut and dry, as some would like to believe. Not everyone acts accordingly or logically.

 

OP, please seek help elsewhere and stop listening to those who have no professional knowledge about this subject. I mean no offense to those attempting to give advice, and am sure some posters will be triggered by my words here who will probably negatively respond in kind, but this is not helping.

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Without stirring the pots, guys. If I was scared of a man like that, I would be calling the police asap.

 

Obviously you can't physically toss a man out if he doesn't want to go, but ringing the police, or running out of the apartment and going to the neighbors for help...heck yes!!!!

 

No way would I be crawling back into bed and giving him more chances to attack me.

 

I'm not victim shaming what so ever, I am asking why she brought him home in the first place, and secondly, allowed him to stay once he became forceful.

 

If someone shows any sign what so ever that they are dangerous, you don't walk...YOU RUN!! And she could have left the apartment and yelled for help or called the police from another apartment, do whatever it takes to save yourself.

But you surely don't get back into bed with a predator right there with you?!?

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