Make Up Or Break Up?

Hey everyone.

So I'll get straight into it. In 2015 my sister was sexually assaulted by a family friend which has affected me and my close family members dramatically. So much so that I'd have panic attacks around men, I'd hallucinate and have nightmares about what my ex family friend did to my sister. It was traumatizing. I've had all the necessary help and am doing so much better now, I'm happy and settled for the most part.

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 7 months, it's the longest relationship I've ever been in so it's still all quite new to me. We're also long distance, only a train ride away but still long distance. Last month, at the beginning of September, me and my boyfriend met up. We were having a great time together and bought donuts (cause who doesn't like donuts, right). Anyway, we went back to my house and were cuddling on the sofa when I reached out to pick up the donuts up to eat one. By boyfriend stopped me, he said I could only have a donut for a kiss. I didn't want to kiss him. He wouldn't take no for an answer and was pressuring me into kissing him when I didn't want to. It was playful but I didn't like that he wouldn't accept that I was saying no.

After he left that evening I was thinking about how he was pressuring me. It wasn't the kiss that was the problem, it was how he was forcing me and it's kinda triggered all of these thoughts and memories of the ex family friend that assaulted my sister. I've tried to get over it, I really have and I feel so stupid for getting so upset over something so small but I just can't get it out of my head. What if that was sex? Would he have forced sex on me too? These are the kind of things I've been thinking and honestly, it kinda terrifies me; the thought of having to relive my past.

I came to this forum to ask for a non bias opinion. Am I being stupid? Am I overthinking? I've talked to my boyfriend about it a few times now, not to make him feel bad but because I just cannot get all these negative thoughts and feelings towards him out of my head. It's confused me and I don't know what I should do. Should I break it off with him? What should I do?

I want to point out that when I've spoken to my boyfriend about this he has been extremely apologetic and we're meeting again in a couple of weeks, we're spending the day in London together for my birthday, and he's promised to not make any advances on me. He's going to let me do that if I want to. He's a really sweet person and I really enjoy spending time with him but my trust has just been knocked and at the current moment I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to build it back up again. Does anyone have any advice for me? Any suggestions will be appreciated.

While I do think you had a right to feel the way you did to a certain degree, I think you are also over reacting.

Have you explained to him your past and the trauma you've endured? Because if you haven't, you need to. He needs to know so he understands you better and can be more sensitive to your needs.

I do feel that he was only teasing, and his teasing wouldn't have been appreciated by all, but I don't think he meant anything by it and he isn't dangerous.

All you need to do is talk to him, explain.

But so far, he sounds like a nice guy who is willing to work through this issue with you.

Don't give up just yet.

Thank you for your input. I thought that maybe I've been overreacting as well but I wanted an outsiders point of view, family can be a bit bias in that respect.

Yes, my boyfriend does know about my past trauma, I told him before we entered into an exclusive relationship. As you can probably tell, my past can still affect me and I wanted him to know what he was getting himself into before committing to anything.

Thank you so much for your comment.

Yes, I think you are over-reacting. I don't see he had a malicious intention and I doubt that he was actually attempting to force himself on you. You seem to recognize this as well. My guess is that your judgment is good enough to know he was trying to be playful rather than trying to threaten you.

Now that you have spoken to him about it, and he's going to meet you half-way, what are you going to do to harness these fears the next time you feel triggered?

I have applied for CBT which is cognitive behavioural therapy. I'm waiting for an assessment and then I'll be referred for the actual therapy. I hope to learn some coping techniques for my anxiety in general because it is a big part of my life still, despite having years of counselling previously.

Thank you for your input. I feel reassured now that he's not a threat to me. I don't think I fully believed that anyway, it's just when trauma gets in the way it can affect your judgement. I'm kinda thankful though that I was overreacting instead of underreacting.

I really do appreciate everyone's comments. Thank you

To be honest, I believe you are not ready for a relationship. You said it yourself, this trauma still affects you significantly enough that you interpret your boyfriend asking for a kiss from his own girlfriend as coercion. I'm not saying you don't deserve a relationship, because you do. However, it seems you need to do some more work on yourself to minimize this affecting any relationship you get into. It is not fair to you or your partner for this to affect either of you.

you need some major inner working before you have any meaningful relationship with someone. This sexual assault is causing you to view things with an extremely skewed lens that will only lead to more issues in your relationship and probable heartbreak for yourself. Take things slow with your bf (he knows about your past so he should be understanding/patient) and work hard with a therapist so you don't self sabotage yourself

It wasn't him asking for a kiss that is my issue, it was that he wouldn't take no for an answer which I repeated several times. I'd happily kiss him but at that point in time I wasn't in the mood, I was hungry and just wanted some food, hence why I was reaching for the donuts in the first place.

I'll take your comment into consideration. I've been thinking that maybe I'm not ready for a relationship too, however me and my boyfriend are willing to both work through any issues we have, this included. I guess I'm just afraid of getting hurt. I'm just a bit confused as to whether I should push on through or not because I mean, every relationship has it's ups and downs right?

And I just wanna point out that relationship or not, I'm always willing to help myself. I'm waiting for professional help now as I'm typing this so I'll be having therapy for my anxieties very soon

It wasn't him asking for a kiss that is my issue, it was that he wouldn't take no for an answer which I repeated several times. I'd happily kiss him but at that point in time I wasn't in the mood, I was hungry and just wanted some food, hence why I was reaching for the donuts in the first place.

Come now, you know that's not the point. You avoided a regular instance of intimacy that's normal in a relationship. Accepting a simple peck on the cheek would have been a very sweet gesture, not to mention a faster way to get to eating. Most would have just went for it. Heck my own family or friends don't even ask. I automatically don't think they're going to rape me one day.

What I'm saying is, if you aren't prepared for what comes with a romantic relationship, you really shouldn't be in one. Harmless quick kisses, hand holding, hugging, and other low key forms of intimacy every so often is normal.

I do wonder if you chose or sought out a long distance relationship because a closer relationship would have been too much for you. You are adverse to even the lowest level of intimacy. I am at least glad you are enlisting outside help.

Now wait a second, you're judging a bit too much here. I happily kiss my boyfriend, hold his hand and give him hugs and I love doing it, and he does it in return. It honestly and truly was the force that was my issue because he'd never done that before and I wasn't sure whether it was something to be weary of. That's why I was asking if I was overreacting or not. Also, I didn't sought out a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, I wasn't even looking for a relationship but we met and before I knew it he'd asked me on a date. I said yes, sure, but I also told him about my past traumas before we decided to enter into an exclusive relationship. After telling him he may have not wanted a relationship with me and I would've been alright with that. You make it sound as though I'm forcing him to be in a relationship with me and only on my convenience (if and when I'm wanting to be intimate with him), when that's not the case at all.

I appreciate your input, I really do, but I can't say I 100% agree with your outlook.

I came to update actually and say that I've spoken to my boyfriend about it and we've worked things out. I feel a bit more at peace and reassured that I have nothing to worry about. He's happy to work with me to make me feel comfortable and get the help that I need with my anxieties. Thank you to everyone for their input, I was feeling quite confused for several weeks about where my thoughts and feelings sat with this particular situation. Your comments have helped me find some grounding and now I can move forward and get the help that I need.

Also, does anyone know how I can delete this thread now?

Come now, you know that's not the point. You avoided a regular instance of intimacy that's normal in a relationship. Accepting a simple peck on the cheek would have been a very sweet gesture, not to mention a faster way to get to eating.

You give me heck for "victim blaming" on another thread and then you go and do exactly that to this lady! She has had a traumatic experience, her fears are valid!

No, you don't tell someone to just let them kiss you if they want and don't cry about it..no understanding what so ever!

Her feelings matter and she is allowed to go at whatever pace she is comfortable with.

She is being brave and courageous to go back to dating after the trauma she went through...more than brave, and doing quite well I might add.

A moment of doubt occurred and truth be told, I wouldn't have been comfortable with the same scenario either.

She felt pressured and it caused upset. That is valid!

She might need to ease into dating more slowly, but she is still doing well with it.

Honestly, I cannot believe what I read.

I am so sorry, OP...honestly....you didn't deserve those comments.

Op, can you contact one of the mods and ask them to close this thread or possibly delete.

Also, does anyone know how I can delete this thread now?

We don't delete threads but I can close it for you if you wish.

Yes please, that will be very helpful

Thread closed (as per OP request).