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Why did my ex leave our great relationship for someone else?


Manonajourney

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I've talkled about my breakup in quite a few posts and I know people have said to just move on and not lose any sleep over a girl who did what she did to me and i'm probably starting to sound annoying, but my self esteem is currently shot and i still find myself confused and looking for answers.

 

So essentially, I'd dated my girlfriend for about a year. We were good friends before that. She helped me get over my last relationship and while intially I wasn't attracted to her in a romantic way I saw what a great person she actually was and eventually fell for her after she had been chasing me for a little while. Once we started dating, it was such a healthy and fufilling relationship. We enjoyed the good times together, and were there for one another in the tough times. We were both happy, and our relationship was rich in communication and trust for a long while.

 

I just graduated from school this year and so we were going to be doing some slight distance in the summer and in the next shool year. (She's 20 and I'm 23). Things started off very good, but in July I noticed she was starting to act different. Long story short, she was falling for her coworker and was confused with her feelings. She even broke up me with temporarily for a day before begging me to take her back. Against my best judgement I did. The next month things seemed okay until the guy laid everything out on the table for her and made her relapse all over again. She broke up with me shortly afterwords again, this time for good. She made it sound like she needed time to work on herself and wasn't going to pursue the other dude either and I naively believed her. I found out just recently they starting dating officially very soon after we broke up officially. Though it seems like she's keeping the whole relationship on the downlow for now it seems.

 

The reason why I still think about this is that it doesn't make sense how this happened. Everything was fine one week and then the next, she was confused over her feelings for soemone she had just known for a month. She wanted to throw away everything we've been through as friends and as a couple. I wasn't perfect, but I think I went above and beyond as a boyfriend. What's worse is that she strung me along for an additonal month and lied to my face and told me how I shouldnt worry about the other dude anymore and that I had to trust her, but yet, she continuously still put herself in risky situations and I was the unreasonable one if I ever got upset.

 

Essentially she picked him over me. But I don't know how she could do it the way she did. She was my best friend and I thought she would never hurt me in this way. She was such a sweet person. But she ripped my heart out so much towards the end. By agreeing to date the dude so soon after we brokeup and by telling me specifically that she wouldn't (I didn't even ask her, she told me herself) she still went ahead and did it, knowing that I could never forgive her. She could have dated anyone else, that's her right, but she picked the guy who broke us apart, knowing it would destroy me even further if I found out.

 

For some background, my girlfriend is young and yes I was her first boyfriend. While she was the one who chased me, this guy was the one who chased her hard and maybe she never felt those feelings of rush before. Yes we were doing distance but it was a only a few hour drive. She traded one long distance for another as they're doing distance since shes back at school, and he doesnt even drive. He's significantly older than her and they're at different points in their life. We had met eachother's families, made friends together and I think we had more in common. Logically, the thing I can't wrap my head around is what she saw in this guy that made her think he was better than me. Some of you might say, spending so many hours a day together is bound to make anyone fall for someone but then even still, the way she did everything, she did it almost maliciously. If she ever loved me at all, respected me, cared about my feelings, she would have tried to fight for our relationship, or at least give us a clean break. But she dragged me along and lied to me until she did it for good and made no effort to resist her growing feelings for the guy.

 

Can anyone explain her behavior? Yes she's young and inexperienced, and she never thought people found her attractive until she started getting so much attention this summer. She was also a very insecure and needy person which were her major flaws, but like she did for me, I accepted them and loved her regardless. But yet, she hurt me time and time again and the reasons make no sense. She actively wanted this to happen, i noticed the warning signs and tried to talk to her nicely and work with her, but she was stubborn and let her feelings escalate. From a logical point of view it doesn't make sense. So what was it? In her mind? All I can think of is that she just thought he was better than me. an upgrade. That the grass was greener. Objectively, depending how you look at us, people might say he's more handsome. But I didn't think my ex would be superficial like that, there must be more. Her flaws and the facts I just mentioned may point out that this was inevitable but yet, she handled it in the worst way possible. Like she resented me.

 

Im sorry for such a long post, thank you if you took the time to read it but TDLR: Had a great relationship with my girlfriend but she started to fall for someone else at her work during our first summer of distance (2 hour drive). While in the moment the guy was more conveninent, once summer was over she would just be trading one LDR for another. She ended up breaking up with me and starting a relationship with him anyways after leading me on and denying her feelings for him for over a month. After everything I've done for her, everything we've been through, how could she hurt someone she once loved and adored so much in this way?

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You'll never really get a clear answer from her on why she dumped you and why she likes this new guy more than you. She could probably tell you weren't attracted to her in the beginning and she had to chase so you were more of a challenge and she eventually conquered you so on to the next. Why does she like this other guy now instead of you? Who knows...maybe she doesn't even know. One thing I've learned in life and relationships is if someone wants to leave let them because there really is nothing you can do to convince them to stay and if you do convince them it's usually just temporary. It's like trying to hold on to a cat that wants to leave, the cat will fight and fight you and get more and more angry but if you just let it go it will eventually come back to purr in your lap at it's own will.

 

Just be thankful that you got to spend what time you did with her. She was a gift in your life, for a little while at least. What if you never got to meet her at all. Most relationships are not meant to last forever. It's very rare if they last a lifetime. Always remember you have no control over someone else and what they do. What she does is out of your control.

 

Your best course of action is to go NIC (not initiated contact) and if she contacts you try and make plan to meet at your place, make a move on her and if she rejects you tell her you're not interested in friendship and to contact you if she changes her mind. Rinse, recycle, repeat. Don't fall back into just being friends again. You want romance, bottom line. Don't settle for less. Also keep you radar on for new women and if you find someone you're even just mildly attracted to then ask her out.

 

Also it doesn't matter how much you do for a woman, how good you treated her, how funny you were, how much her family liked you, how much of a best friend you were, all that matters is how she feels about you. Those things above do not mean a woman will have chemistry for you. Chemistry is unexplainable sometimes.

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Why don't you go back and reread all of the other responses. I don't understand what you are looking for, as you have already received a lot of great advice. I can't figure out what you want to hear?

 

I apologize, I know I’ve asked already a lot about this topic and you’re right I have received some great responses already and I appreciate all the help. I can’t help but still have questions or temporary setbacks though from time to time. I’ll try not to bring this up anymore.

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I've been in her shoes. I was with my first boyfriend and first love. Even when I broke up with him (and even now, nearly 10 years later) I felt that he was the perfect boyfriend, he was so attentive, honest, trustworthy, his family loved me, he had such good moral character. He would do anything for me, and it showed.

 

I broke up with him and ripped his heart out. I definitely loved him, but I just didn't feel that spark. I told him a few months before we broke up that I was starting to find other men attractive, not just in a sense that you casually notice someone is attractive, but that I wanted to be with them. I knew it wasn't a good sign.

 

I missed him so much after we broke up, but I just knew he wasn't the one for me and that I had to go out and explore what's out there. I didn't get into a relationship straight away, maybe a year later. I slept with some people straight away though, and that hurt him. But I just knew even though he was such a good boyfriend that there was just something I felt was missing. The thing that was missing was my feelings, feeling like I have something I never want to let go of.

 

I had a few more relationships and then started thinking that maybe I'd made a mistake cos I kept feeling like that special spark just wasn't there. I thought maybe this is all there is. And then he came along and I realized why it never felt right previously, because I hadn't met him yet. And when we got together I knew from day one he was the one for me.

 

If I had of stayed with my ex, it would have been just to make him happy, I would have been dead inside. I told him if I stay with you I'll cheat on you, because I don't feel like this is what I want.

 

My ex, the first boyfriend, took 7 years to get over it and be able to move on. I felt so guilty, but it's my life, I needed to do what makes me happy, not what makes other people happy.

 

He was quite broken for a while, for years. He was only young as well. He ended up having heart arrhythmias for a while after we broke up, he even collapsed a few times. He said it was because of his broken heart. And it was, when he got over me it stopped happening. But he did move on, and so will you. He's happy now, but I think I was the one for him, but he wasn't the one for me.

 

When I think about it I think how sh*t life can be, and I hope I'm never in his shoes. Before I broke up with him I used to wish that my feelings could change, that he was my special person, but I just couldn't change the fact that he wasn't. It's horrible on both ends

 

Ps. It's normally not about looks, unless the person is extremely shallow. If you love someone, no matter what they look like on the outside, you'll find them attractive

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As the others have said, you probably will never get the definitive answers you are looking for. We rarely do in cases like these, because there is sometimes no logical, crystal-clear explanation.

 

But I would say that lot of this is related to her age. Most young loves don't last forever. She liked you a lot, but at only 20, she was not ready to stop dating around yet. Things were great for you, and probably for her for a while too, but evidently her feelings were just not the same anymore. She likely wouldn't even able to explain it to you, either. She lost interest, and her head was turned by another guy.

 

I was once in her shoes, when I was 23. I had dated my then-boyfriend for about 5 years and we'd lived together for 2 or 3. On paper, he was a good guy. But I knew he wasn't the one I would stay with forever. I was nowhere near ready to settle down and I knew he felt more strongly for me than I did for him. There was no other guy in the picture when I ended it, but I never regretted it. As much as I hated hurting him, I knew it was time to let go.

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Like I said on the previous thread, you'll never get a real answer.

 

In time, you won't care about getting one.

 

Stick to your no contact and self improvement regime.

 

Things will get better.

 

Yes I remember your advice well. I understand and accept that I wont get a real answer. To this day I never got answers over my other failed relationships. I just had a low day last night. I'll continue with my regime.

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He was quite broken for a while, for years. He was only young as well. He ended up having heart arrhythmias for a while after we broke up, he even collapsed a few times. He said it was because of his broken heart. And it was, when he got over me it stopped happening. But he did move on, and so will you. He's happy now, but I think I was the one for him, but he wasn't the one for me.

 

Thank you for your response. It's given me some clarity as to what might have been going through her head. And I understand, and know she needs to live her life and see what else is out there. It still hurts though. Like you said, she was the one for me but I wasn't the one for her. I've felt that at some point in all 3 of my serious relationships and eventually all 3 of my exes left me. Its frustrating trying to be the best version of yourself that you can be but for it not to be enough for someone. I know i'll get over it but I just hope that I can be that guy that a girl will never want to let go of one day. There must be something i'm not seeing if it keeps happening to me, so I'm going to keep working on myself and figure out what that is.

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Sounds like you are looking for answers....

Let me start here..

Essentially she picked him over me. But I don't know how she could do it the way she did. She was my best friend and I thought she would never hurt me in this way. She was such a sweet person. But she ripped my heart out so much towards the end. By agreeing to date the dude so soon after we brokeup and by telling me specifically that she wouldn't (I didn't even ask her, she told me herself) she still went ahead and did it, knowing that I could never forgive her. She could have dated anyone else, that's her right, but she picked the guy who broke us apart, knowing it would destroy me even further if I found out.

 

YOU are broken hearted at this time... totally understood.... BUT, no matter how much you wreck your brain over what has happened, you just need some time to understand & accept.

HE did not break you guys up. It was HER choice to do so.

Inside, you were aware of him & you knew - were suspicious. This is when it all began. It didn't come from nowhere.

She has made her choice... which was to part ways from you & move on.

Yes, she has that right.. is her life. Not much you can do now... BUT, respectfully back off & walk away- for good :(.

Not easy, I know.

 

So, it seems like you are more just venting on here... letting it all out. That is okay.

But.. in time you will improve. Bit by bit.. loss is painful, yes.

 

Some day she may realize he is not all that.. she may have regrets... Life is an experience.

Should you want her back if she reaches out again? Up to you.

 

One thing you need to realize is, you're both young. People do this often. They feel a 'need' to go on,

To move ahead, try something different.

 

Am sorry for your pains... take care of YOU now.. it all takes time.

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But I would say that lot of this is related to her age. Most young loves don't last forever. She liked you a lot, but at only 20, she was not ready to stop dating around yet. Things were great for you, and probably for her for a while too, but evidently her feelings were just not the same anymore. She likely wouldn't even able to explain it to you, either. She lost interest, and her head was turned by another guy.

 

Thanks again for your reply, I know you are one of the people who has been following my story and given good advice throughout. I understand now that alot of what happened has nothing to do with me and she is just young and needs to explore her feelings. I don't think she could explain whats happening either, she just needs to figure it out herself. This will probbaly be my last post about this matter, I know everything I need to know and accept the things I will not ever know. Thanks again for all your advice.

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Thank you for your response. It's given me some clarity as to what might have been going through her head. And I understand, and know she needs to live her life and see what else is out there. It still hurts though. Like you said, she was the one for me but I wasn't the one for her. I've felt that at some point in all 3 of my serious relationships and eventually all 3 of my exes left me. Its frustrating trying to be the best version of yourself that you can be but for it not to be enough for someone. I know i'll get over it but I just hope that I can be that guy that a girl will never want to let go of one day. There must be something i'm not seeing if it keeps happening to me, so I'm going to keep working on myself and figure out what that is.

 

I don't think there's something you're not seeing, I just think the right person hasn't come along yet, for whatever reason. It doesn't happen because you want it to, it happens when it's meant to. She's out there somewhere

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When you say you're going to go and work on yourself until the right person comes along, well I think that's very thing you could do for yourself ever.

 

Be kind to yourself, break ups can make us so fragile while we're healing. And when the right person comes along you'll be ready for happiness

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