Another text

This time it came at 10:30 last night asking “can griffin stay with you tonight please” I have her set to do not disturb so I just noticed it.

I really want to respond and ask her what’s going on and if she is ok and why she is asking to bring him over at 10:30 at night...

Dont do it. It will reopen wounds because I promise what she has to say will likely hurt.

Don't do it.

What's the end game here? Try to play it out. You ask what's up, is she okay. Some light banter follows that, no matter how light, just leaves you agitated, adrenalized, looking for meaning between "lol"s.

And around and around you spin: soothing her in a jittery way, feeling momentarily relieved, that relief giving way to confusion, and, lo and behold, you're back where you started, just more dizzy and drained.

Meanwhile, all the facts remain the same. All the things that are causing you pain, all the ways you two clash and are moving in a separate directions—all that is there. And that, really, is the source of the agitation, trying to steer this whole thing onto a path that isn't genuine. If you can let that go, and just feel what you need to feel, you'll enter a new phase. Also painful, also lonely.

But it's a different spin, softer, and will lead you to where you're actually trying to get, which is peace. Texting about a dog, about why texts came in at a late hour—no. No peace there.

This time it came at 10:30 last night asking “can griffin stay with you tonight please” I have her set to do not disturb so I just noticed it.

 

I really want to respond and ask her what’s going on and if she is ok and why she is asking to bring him over at 10:30 at night...

Probably because she wanted to stay somewhere else last night, OP.

ya... sounds like she got a booty call and needed a sitter. O.O Sorry, I don't know your background and haven't gone into your profile to read about it but just on the surface, that's what it sounds like. If it was some sort of emergency, surely she would have told you why she needed to to take Griffen at such short notice.

Actually I just double checked it came today at 10:30.

She text me last week Wednesday saying she saw me washing my truck...last Friday asking me to watch the dog, both of which I ignored...now this 3rd unsolicited contact.

I broke up with her and we tried to reconcile but she was seeing someone else I couldn’t take it...she’s like a math book (got lots of problems) and eventually I got angry and frustrated doing everything for her...but here is the thing I care about her and I can’t stop thinking about her I feel like I’ll feel guilty and regret continuing to ignore her...I almost want to snoop her FB now...

All I would say is what’s up is there an emergency? And unless there really is it she lies and says there is I’m definitely going to say no.

It’s so weird I think maybe I am addicted to drama all day I’ve been depressed and anxious now I feel good and I can feel my heart beating faster...

It’s so weird I think maybe I am addicted to drama all day I’ve been depressed and anxious now I feel good and I can feel my heart beating faster...

You are...

At this point either get on the crazy train again or block already.

Good grief.

How many more weeks are you going to analyze her texts?

The relationship was not good. It will be a mistake to continue again. You know this. But you have your own issues you don’t really seem too keen on fixing, so it’s either going to be two codependents getting their hit and going down another rabbit hole which will be filled with yelling and drugs and anger and frustration or you finally saying I need help.

That's anxiety and yes, you can get addicted to that feeling. Anything else feels boring, pointless, lame.

But if you reply you are inviting that chaos back into your life. Yes, chaos can be exciting but it's impossible to have any kind of real life when you're constantly on the edge.

Is she still involved with someone else as far as you know? If so, do you want to be one of the ping pong paddles she bounces back and forth between? Do you want to be the designated dog sitter when she goes places with someone else?

A friend of mine ended up in that spot...his ex's go to babysitter (for a child, not a dog) whenever his ex wanted to be able to have her other ex over for sex. He did it because he was actually hoping it would lead to her wanting him back. I mean, how much can you humiliate yourself???

It’s so weird I think maybe I am addicted to drama all day I’ve been depressed and anxious now I feel good and I can feel my heart beating faster...

Your user name stems from fact. The reason you can't get over her (or can't give up on her) is because you enable her to rent space in your mind for free. Continuing to allow contact from her is allowing this landlord/tenant mind eff.

Why don't you block and delete her and get on with going through your zero contact withdrawl until you reach being clean and sober from her. Going zero contact is what every addict has to do to their drug of choice.

block her, itll be easier once shes out of site and out of mind

Forget about the dog. It sucks but she's just using him to bait you. I left my girl with our 4 cats. I love those cats but oh well. Breaking up means leaving those things, pets included, behind.

Ok you can all yell at me lol...I responded...

Me: Hey I really do hope you’re doing well, but not to be rude but I guess it’s not an emergency or you would’ve said. I already have 3 dogs so I can’t. Again hope you’re doing well and the kids too.

H: No but he misses his friends and he keeps chewing my shoes! He just needs a few days with them

M: My dogs stay in crates when I’m not at home and I only have 3 so sorry I can’t. Say hi to the kids for me ok I miss them

H: J seriously you know Griffin doesn’t stay in a crate at your house he never has. I fee like your just being difficult but ok I understand:

M: Um lol yes he did at first he didn’t nobody did. I started putting everyone in a crate except Nessie and no more stuff got chewed up. Now that we don’t have Griffin Nessie just goes in the crate all by herself and that’s the routine.

H: Ok

M: Ok good glad your upset I’m not being difficult I don’t have a problem helping someone out but it goes both ways

H: It’s not even that I need help he would just enjoy it bc he missed your engagement and the other dogs he’s driving me crazy

M: Then you’re welcome to let him come by and play anytime but he can’t stay here when no one is home.

H: Ok thanks I’ll do that this week.

M: yw

So you invited her over?

Let the drama begin again!

Just remember, when it all goes bad again you INVITED it. You can't blame her or anyone else.

PS: I'm not surprised at all, you've been wanting the drama back all along. But again, when things go bad it should not be a surprise because you know what you're choosing.

Yes, you are addicted—to her, to the drama. I know that feeling well.

My therapist talks a lot about how we all have an innate desire to "feel," how there is nothing worse than no feeling. That's what real depressives deal with. But the rest of us, still: we're out there chasing feelings all the time, and they come in all shapes and colors.

Not all of the pursuits are healthy or serve us, though. This one is not serving you. It's draining you, then filling you back up, then draining again. You're just spinning in a circle around an empty hole.

I'm prone to this myself, drawn to people prone to this. Took me a long time to understand the difference between drama and depth. I'm still learning. But for whatever it's worth, when my last relationship ended I cut it off. I spun for a bit, talked reconciliation under absurd circumstances like yours, realized the futility, and cut it all off. It wasn't easy. I got my version of the truck washing texts.

But by not engaging you start to see it all for what it is: drama, going nowhere. And, yeah, there is a little bit of withdrawal from the addition, a kind of emptiness. But if you can ride that out I promise you, I really do, that there's something on the other side that's just as profound and more rewarding. And that is in you RIGHT NOW. It's waiting for you, eager for you to discover it. But you find it by letting go of this, not by engaging.

Ok you can all yell at me lol...I responded...

 

Me: Hey I really do hope you’re doing well, but not to be rude but I guess it’s not an emergency or you would’ve said. I already have 3 dogs so I can’t. Again hope you’re doing well and the kids too.

H: No but he misses his friends and he keeps chewing my shoes! He just needs a few days with them

M: My dogs stay in crates when I’m not at home and I only have 3 so sorry I can’t. Say hi to the kids for me ok I miss them

H: J seriously you know Griffin doesn’t stay in a crate at your house he never has. I fee like your just being difficult but ok I understand:

M: Um lol yes he did at first he didn’t nobody did. I started putting everyone in a crate except Nessie and no more stuff got chewed up. Now that we don’t have Griffin Nessie just goes in the crate all by herself and that’s the routine.

H: Ok

M: Ok good glad your upset I’m not being difficult I don’t have a problem helping someone out but it goes both ways

H: It’s not even that I need help he would just enjoy it bc he missed your engagement and the other dogs he’s driving me crazy

M: Then you’re welcome to let him come by and play anytime but he can’t stay here when no one is home.

H: Ok thanks I’ll do that this week.

M: yw

Whoa. Didn't see this before my last post, though I stand by it even more.

So you see what happened here, right? She got what she wanted, you got the opposite of what you really want. What you really want it something that "goes both ways" and doesn't feel like rollercoaster. This is not that, and it won't become that over texts or taking in the dog next week. A rollercoaster is a rollercoaster. And a rollercoaster that has been hit by dynamite—which is what this actually is—well, those are rollercoasters not meant to be ridden.

Try to just own that for a second. Be addicted. Define yourself as a drama addict in the spins. Live it for a bit, whisper it to yourself when you look in the mirror.

And then try to decide if you'd like another path, because they're out there waiting.

Why can't her bf watch the dog?

That's anxiety and yes, you can get addicted to that feeling. Anything else feels boring, pointless, lame.

 

But if you reply you are inviting that chaos back into your life. Yes, chaos can be exciting but it's impossible to have any kind of real life when you're constantly on the edge.

 

Is she still involved with someone else as far as you know? If so, do you want to be one of the ping pong paddles she bounces back and forth between? Do you want to be the designated dog sitter when she goes places with someone else?

 

A friend of mine ended up in that spot...his ex's go to babysitter (for a child, not a dog) whenever his ex wanted to be able to have her other ex over for sex. He did it because he was actually hoping it would lead to her wanting him back. I mean, how much can you humiliate yourself???

No ping ponging, she simply wants to use him for her dog sitter.

Only you can allow yourself to be used.

This time it came at 10:30 last night asking “can griffin stay with you tonight please” I have her set to do not disturb so I just noticed it.

 

I really want to respond and ask her what’s going on and if she is ok and why she is asking to bring him over at 10:30 at night...

I told you before - tell her to get one of her friends to baby sit her dog.

Everyone here is telling you how toxic this whole situation is, and although at least you said no - at first - then you caved and said yes maybe next week.

You need to send this lady this text:

"I am not interested in being your friend. I will not be your dog sitter. If you are contacting me because you are wanting to reconcile - tell me that clearly. Otherwise I wish you the best, and don't contact me again.."

If you do want her back, this is going to do more good than caving in and dancing to her tune.

She's clearly taking advantage of you.

She needs to understand the totality of a breakup, and so do you. Be completely free from this. You will get hurt if you do anything for this woman.

Again, RayRay is spot-on. More importantly, even in a situation where you somehow reconciled with her, you would want the relationship to be built on a dynamic of mutual respect, clear & committed communication, and honesty. Using you as a dog-sitter, playing games with a dog as leverage, or not respecting your needs in the interpersonal relationship are extremely unhealthy foundations that must be stopped before they start.

Now that you already have said that you would, I don't think there's too much wrong with being a dog-sitter one time, just so the dog can have a joyous time once. However, if she did bring the dog over for one last play-session, it must be made clear that it's a final play-session for the reasons that are already well-listed in this thread. Likewise, that session is not a time for you two to "talk" to "catch-up", and mustn't be used as such, so you must not try to do that on your end, and you must not let her get that out of you either. Be cold (but not mean) -- warmth is something that belongs to friends and family, not exes.

The thing is, because WE would want a relationship based on mutual trust and respect and that is secure, that doesn't mean the OP wants that.

He admits to craving drama, extreme lows followed by exhilarating highs and yet more lows. These people find steady, reliable relationships boring.

I think he invited her over because he's hoping to start the cycle again.

11 is right.

You need to become cangiveup. It stings, you are going to cry about it, but take the hurt a day at a time.

Until you do, you will neither move on, nor create the conditions to maybe (it's a small percentage, deal with it) reconnect with her in a better place down the turnpike.

I told you before - tell her to get one of her friends to baby sit her dog.

 

Everyone here is telling you how toxic this whole situation is, and although at least you said no - at first - then you caved and said yes maybe next week.

 

You need to send this lady this text:

 

"I am not interested in being your friend. I will not be your dog sitter. If you are contacting me because you are wanting to reconcile - tell me that clearly. Otherwise I wish you the best, and don't contact me again.."

 

If you do want her back, this is going to do more good than caving in and dancing to her tune.

She has a bf, and he is still falling all over himself .

He does not follow any of out advice. The OP is going to continue to get used and be her doormat.

The thing is, because WE would want a relationship based on mutual trust and respect and that is secure, that doesn't mean the OP wants that.

 

He admits to craving drama, extreme lows followed by exhilarating highs and yet more lows. These people find steady, reliable relationships boring.

 

I think he invited her over because he's hoping to start the cycle again.

You're right. Don't know why he is asking for our advice. He never follows it.