Boyfriend always disappears when he drinks for days

I have been in a long-distance relationship for 10-11 months now due to the military. We still see each other quite often however I have noticed that my partner has started drinking a lot more in the past month or so. I have not commented on this at all and in face I am all for him going out drinking with his friends as I go out and enjoy quite a few drinks too however I have noticed that in the day leading up to him going on a night out, he will go completley silent. He usually texts me most mornings saying 'morning hope you have a good day xx' or calls me at night to see how my day went etc. He's always there for me so I can't complain about that. But the past few weekends he has completely gone off the radar when drinking and it worries me more than anything that he is OKAY and SAFE. He said his phone dies when he goes out and he doesn't bother charging it up sometimes all of the next day and he will go MIA for 2-3 days at a time sometimes and he has done for the past 2 days and im sure he's been out.

I haven't said anything, expressed concern, been jealous or texted or tried to call incessantly i'm not like that, but i notice he hasn't been online for almost 24-48 hours sometimes which isn't normal for him and hes expressed he's been seriously depressed in the past and recently and again I believe this isn't normal as he's constantly on his phone he could be enjoying time with his friends which i fully understand but I just have really bad anxiety and wonder if he is safe and I am wondering for suggestions on what to do or say or should I bring anything up? He usually gets in contact after a few days when hes back to his normal work routine however I want to enforce I am not worried he is cheating but I am more worried about his general safety and health in general which is partly due to my anxiety disorder. Thank you so much any suggestions would be helpful.

I forgot to mention he has asked me for money a couple of times despite having a full time job, in order to go out drinking with his friends which I have given to him and he has paid back immediatley when he has been paid.

What does he do for two days? You need to talk to him? Either he is cheating or has a serious problem. How old is he? How many times has this happened?

Don't be so passive.

Honestly, I have no idea. says his phone dies and then he just ends up drinking with the lads for a couple days or sleeps then goes back out. He is 33 and this has happened i'd say 3-4 times now but it's getting a bit more concerning every time he does it. How would I address this when he does finally come back around?

Since you've only been dating 10 mos and he's 10 yrs older than you, you need to reconsider what's going on. There are too many red flags here.

First off, stop giving him money. He claims he's using it for drinking but even that is not something you should support financially or otherwise. He may be out with other women or hookers and buying them drinks or is paying for them.

It's doubtful he keeps letting his phone discharge an entire weekend and runs out of money just for a couple of drinks and nights out with the lads.

He said his phone dies when he goes out and he doesn't bother charging it up sometimes all of the next day and

 

he will go MIA for 2-3 days at a time sometimes

 

 

he has asked me for money a couple of times despite having a full time job

It sounds like you are passive because if you call him on it you'd have to curb your drinking too. What he's doing is not safe. How does he get from place to place? How could he contact someone if there were an emergency? Are you willing to curb your drinking? What else do the two of you have going on in your life that is fun and interesting other than going out drinking?

Ok this post made me sound like an alcoholic hahaha, I mean i enjoy going out with my friends every now and again. I am a med student at university I have a career plan and goal and I am also an athlete. I am in no-way someone who sit's around all day doing nothing and drinks 24/7 which is maybe what it sounded like. I agree what he is doing is maybe not safe and tbh the more you guys are talking about it in this way it's concerning me. I am also worried he asks for more money and with the amount of money he is on he should NOT be asking me for money (also i'm a student and skint as it is but he didnt seem to take that into consideration). I'm getting a bit worried that this could be quite a serious issue now and I'm not sure what to do or how to approach the situation? I am a passive person in a relationship because I do not want to cause any drama or disagreements but I think I should maybe say something here :/ Thanks for the help xxxx

Since you've only been dating 10 mos and he's 10 yrs older than you, you need to reconsider what's going on. There are too many red flags here.

 

First off, stop giving him money. He claims he's using it for drinking but even that is not something you should support financially or otherwise. He may be out with other women or hookers and buying them drinks or is paying for them.

 

It's doubtful he keeps letting his phone discharge an entire weekend and runs out of money just for a couple of drinks and nights out with the lads.

I agree with all of this!

You have not been with him long, and at the very least, he is an alcoholic and highly irresponsible. Maybe, a 21 year old would do this a couple of times, but a 33 year old! Run!

If you stay with this guy-I hope you don't- no more money!

He has a young child as well. What if something happened and his phone was off. It seems very irresponsible and strange behaviour for a 33 year old now you have said it. I wonder when he will re-appear again. The thing is he will make me feel psycho if i mention something like 'are you okay you disappeared for like 2 days and were out drinking?' He will respond with something along the lines of 'you worry too much! im fine, i was just out with the lads stop overthinking my phone died'.

I agree with all of this!

 

You have not been with him long, and at the very least, he is an alcoholic and highly irresponsible. Maybe, a 21 year old would do this a couple of times, but a 33 year old! Run!

 

If you stay with this guy-I hope you don't- no more money!

yeah id say its maybe normal for a 21-22 year old but seems odd at that age

He has a young child as well. What if something happened and his phone was off. It seems very irresponsible and strange behaviour for a 33 year old now you have said it. I wonder when he will re-appear again. The thing is he will make me feel psycho if i mention something like 'are you okay you disappeared for like 2 days and were out drinking?' He will respond with something along the lines of 'you worry too much! im fine, i was just out with the lads stop overthinking my phone died'.

The thing is, you should not have to have this convo with an adult man.

OP, he has shown you that there is a big problem-whatever it is-and you need to question why you would want to associated with this. My goodness, you are going to medical school and have a wonderful future; I think you can do much better, than an alcoholic, who can't afford his partying- I do think that there are other women, too.

He has a young child as well. What if something happened and his phone was off. It seems very irresponsible and strange behaviour for a 33 year old now you have said it. I wonder when he will re-appear again. The thing is he will make me feel psycho if i mention something like 'are you okay you disappeared for like 2 days and were out drinking?' He will respond with something along the lines of 'you worry too much! im fine, i was just out with the lads stop overthinking my phone died'.

His excuse sounds like my teenage son's excuse when he was out and about and not checking in with me. My son got a lecture on responsibility - to let me know where he was at all times, and to make sure his phone was charged up. I bought him an external battery, and he no longer had that as an excuse, otheraise he wold lose priviledges..

I get that your bf is not your son, and I am in no way recommending that you treat him as such. But I'm just pointing out that his behavior is not one of a responsible adult. And it is not your job to change that.

I would cut losses and let go of your relationship. Don't bother trying to change him because he wont.

You deserve someone grown up, responsible, and caring.

As a parent, how do you allow your phone to die.

He has shown you who he is, it is your choice to act accordingly.

Im already at med school and I feel like I have enough stress on weekends studying and then I have extra worry on top worrying where he is and whether he's safe. It's stressing me out quite a lot. :'(

You know what to do.

Do you think there is any point addressing the behaviour and say it's a bit concerning or will someone like this just not change?

Sounds more like he's using drugs. Why are you lowering yourself to this? Raise your standards. Do you want this project long term? You can do better.

I don't know. I was thinking gambling as well. Sometimes I think oh maybe I can help him but clearly this is a deep underlying issue here with him. I also sometimes feel like oh maybe it's nothing and he is just out drinking all weekend and couldn't find somewhere to charge his phone or he's just very busy. It's like I doubt myself even though I KNOW logically that his behaviour is not fair on his loved ones.

Do you think there is any point addressing the behaviour and say it's a bit concerning or will someone like this just not change?

You've already brought it up to him and he discounted your feelings. He is showing you who he is already. Cut your losses and move on.

Sounds more like he's using drugs. Why are you lowering yourself to this? Raise your standards. Do you want this project long term? You can do better.

I was wondering about drugs too.

Be honest with yourself. Being passive is easier. So is drinking to get buzzed or drunk easier than finding healthier ways to deal with stress. I did that and do that. You can too. You can do it especially if you want to be a doctor focused on health. Don’t unnecessarily cause disagreement or drama. And don’t be passive either. You’re smart. You know there’s a difference. I’d run like the wind if a person with a child and responsibility for that child behaved this way I am not saying you have a drinking problem I was just wondering why you were reluctant to be honest with yourself that he has one or some kind of similar issue.

I wouldn’t waste my breath talking. Tell him when he chooses a different kind of lifestyle he can cotnsctcyou and if you’re still interested and available you’ll consider it.

You can't help him. He would need to want to help himself, and be accepting of treatment, be it alcohol, drugs, or gambling.

It really honestly sounds like drug binges though. As long as he knows you're there accepting it, there's no need to change. You're being an enabler to him. You're a smart girl, you're in med school. Don't accept this , think of your future. Do you want him, or someone like him, who drains you of money when you get yourself secure? Who you have to worry about, if they are dead or alive? Call local hospitals to see if he's there when you can't find him? It's a bad life. Get out now while it's still early on because the more time and emotions you invest, the harder it will be. You have to love yourself first. And that means not accepting people like this as partners.

I don't know. I was thinking gambling as well. Sometimes I think oh maybe I can help him but clearly this is a deep underlying issue here with him. I also sometimes feel like oh maybe it's nothing and he is just out drinking all weekend and couldn't find somewhere to charge his phone or he's just very busy. It's like I doubt myself even though I KNOW logically that his behaviour is not fair on his loved ones.

As a med student you surely understand the effects of excessive drinking on the body. A friend of mine had a husband that ran his body into the ground - and he died. Later when she was,dating again, she decided that she would only date someone that took care of his body so she wouldn't face being a carwgiver, and ultimately a widow again.

I understand what you're saying and I thank all of you for this. I am not disregarding what any of you are saying but could there be an element of psychological control linked to this behaviour? As in, him going off the grid and acting like this makes me think and worry about him and he KNOWS that. Im struggling to see whether this is a form of psychological maniuplation or just complete selfishness and disregard for other people's feelings.

This did come into my head as well and I love him but I am worried for the future if this kind of behaviour carries on.

No. You're trying to justify the behavior because you're invested in him. Alcoholics and drug addicts have altered perception from the substances and chemicals they put into their bodies. Research the effects on the brain. And you need to keep drinking, keep taking those hits to feel good because the withdrawal is awful. Heroin being one of the worst.