My best friend is pushing me away

Hi everyone :) Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this. I want to make this as short and to the point as possible, unlike many of my past posts that are long and drawn out, so we’ll see!

 

If you’ve read any of my past posts then you’ll know I’ve had some best friend problems for awhile now. My best friend, I’ll call her Sarah, has been my best friend for almost 12 years now - since we were in high school.

 

A little bit about our past: we’ve been through a lot together. Lots of ups and downs, and she has hurt me many times, but I’ve always forgiven her. Through many of my ups and downs she wasn’t there for me, but I was there for hers. Again, I’ve always forgiven her. She has had a pattern of selfishness and betrayal since we met. But I always felt that the general good times we had together outweighed that. I always thought that me being a good example of a true friend would rub off on her, and make her value our friendship more the way I did. And as we’ve gotten older she has matured a lot, and has told me many times how much she does love me and value our friendship. I’ve always been willing to put the past behind us and give her more chances.

 

Now as of recently, she has been going through a tough time. Her boyfriend has been sitting in jail on the other side of the country for something really dumb that he just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. She loves him very much and they were very serious before this all happened, so it has taken a toll on her. She got on medication about 8 months ago for depression and anxiety (also something I’ve struggled with my entire life so I’ve totally related to her). I’ve been here for her since the day he went to jail, helping however I can, listening to her and just doing whatever I can anytime she asks for anything.

 

Around the same time she got on this medication she started shutting me out and pushing me away. She never texted me, called me, made plans, or anything. And anytime I asked to make plans she would come up with the craziest excuses and I knew she was lying. I let it be and would try again a week later. Same thing would happen. While in the meantime she was hanging out with her other best friend constantly - I’ll call this other best friend Becca. They were going out and doing fun things all the time and putting pictures on social media every other day.

 

I finally figured I would just give her the space she was silently asking for. In early June she sent me a text saying “hey I know you’re mad at me, and if you’re not it sure feels that way. Either way you’re stuck with me”. I told her I wasn’t mad at her, I was hurt that I never hear from her anymore and that she always said no to my invites but she was always hanging out with Becca. She told me she was sorry, and that Becca was really demanding and just shows up at her house to hang out all the time and that’s the only reason. I said okay.

 

So a week later I again asked her to hang out. Again, she gave a lame excuse. But then the rest of the week she hung out with Becca.

 

So 3 weeks later and after a few more excuses to not hang out, I finally sent her a message telling her it was obvious she didn’t want to hang out with me anymore, and if I’ve done something to please let me know. I told her I care about her and about our friendship and would do anything to make things better and I didn’t want us to drift further away. She replied and appreciated me asking, and swore that it was nothing I did. She told me that being around me and my husband made her sad and made her miss her boyfriend since he was in jail. She said whenever she’s with Becca it “consumes her mind” that she’s losing me as her best friend and she felt terrible.

 

Basically I took this as she does love me and want to stay best friends, but being around me made her more aware of her depression and maybe made it worse.

I told her I completely understand and she should have told me. I was vulnerable with her and told her I have been very depressed too since graduating college and working from home - I was lonely. I needed friends. I needed my best friend. I told her she’s not alone! She then apologized more and said “let’s have a day together at your place, drink wine and have more quality time together like the old days”. I told her I would love this more than anything. It felt so good to have this conversation with her and I thought this was going to be so great for our friendship.

 

Well it’s now been months later and still NOTHING. I have invited her to hang out several times (not in a needy way - i wait about 1-2 weeks before asking her to hang out again). But last week was the worst. It had been 2 weeks since I had seen her for her birthday and I invited her to come over for the “wine night” I had been wanting to do since June. She said she had something for school that night but would be done at 9 and she would text me after she got out. I never heard from her, but then that night from 10-midnight she was putting pictures and videos on social media of her out with Becca and other friends. I was SO HURT. I’ve never felt this hurt before. It has been taking a huge toll on me, lowering my self esteem, and causing me so much stress. A week went by and I didn’t say anything and neither did she, until I got a random text from her asking for a favor from me and my husband. I told her it was too big of a favor that we didn’t have time for right now but anything else she needs we’ll be here. I kept it very short. I wanted to confront her again but I figured what’s the point? She knows how I feel and she knows what she did to me. But she acted like nothing happened. We haven’t really spoken since and that was a few days ago.

 

I know I deserve better than this, but it’s discouraging when I don’t have any other friends. And I know, I can go and meet new people which is what I intend to do. But in the meantime I don’t know what to do about this friendship.

 

Here’s where I’m at: when I do research on why best friends (who are depressed) push other friends away, it says sometimes they just need to to be happier. If you remind them of how depressed they are they won’t want to be around you. So I’m giving her space still because I want to respect that. But why does she toss me around like this? I can tell she’s not ready to say bye completely to the friendship. She still wants me around for something. But doesn’t ever want to see me. I’m just so hurt. But I feel like confronting her again will only push her away even more. But I want her to know how bad she’s hurt me and how selfish she’s been. If she had wanted to take a break and have space from me she should have said that in the beginning instead of saying she wanted us to get even closer. I guess what hurts the most is feeling like she doesn’t care - especially after I opened up to her and told her I’ve been feeling depressed too, and that I’m lonely and want to go out and do things. It’s like she doesn’t even care..

 

I thought this was a lifetime friendship I would have forever. I’m not completely ready to let it go. Should I keep giving her space and just hope she’ll come around one day?

I’ve still been acknowledging/reacting to some of her social media posts and she sends me funny pictures every once in awhile of her pets and stuff and I respond to that. Should I just keep doing what I’m doing? My number one hope is that she’ll come around and apologize.

Should I send her a message and tell her I’m here if she needs anything? Tell her I’m giving her space? Stop talking to her completely? Or tell her how hurt I am (for the third time)?

Sorry to say this but she is using you whenever it is convenient for her, and doesn't give a rat's butt about your feelings. She keeps hurting you because you let it happen. You don't need someone like her, and you can't help her...all you are doing is letting her wipe her feet on you till you are used up. Find yourself some new friends. Life will be more rewarding without her, for she's been holding you back.

Stop chasing her and trying to make her your best friend again. Let her fade out and focus on better friends. You've already asked, she answered. You've already confronted her about how hurt you are so much she may be avoiding you for that reason alone.

I have had many life long friendships but, I feel friendships ebb and flow. Some friends I'm with all the times for a while and then something in life happens to take up more of their time or mine.

 

I don't get offended... I simply match their effort. If it's been while, maybe we'll lose touch. but through social media, no one is really "gone".

 

However, you mentioned times she hurt you, etc.... maybe it's best you distance yourself. because really a best friend is not a title that you own or really agree to be. It's there or its not.

 

And you can have many best friends. There are probably 3 or 4 women I consider a bff, and that list changes for whatever reason. I don't think of one of them as an ex bff, but maybe I'm just not as close to them whether they are focused on something else or I am.

 

sounds like in this cause, you guys are going in different directions... let her be. In the future you might circle back together..... that happened to me many times. I didn't hear or talk to someone, then something brought us back.

 

There are a few friends I have fallen out with and its ok. it hurts but hopefully you have other people that you can spend time with and focus on.

 

Sometimes we get so focused on a jerky friend's behavior that we lose sight of this simple fact: your life is yours. it's about you, not one person or even one aspect. focus on the things that interest you, the people that engage with you. forget the hurtful stuff as soon as you can and let the people that aren't engaging you, go too. Be open to who or whatever, but don't chase....

Well, I think you inadvertently hit upon the problem: you have no other friends. You admit she's having a difficult time and her friend Becca is very demanding of her, yet you're trying to make it all about you. You're acting like she's a lover. You're jealous of Becca, and you're being clingy and demanding. You tell her she's selfish because she's trying to deal with her personal problems, and like a lover, you now want to break up with her. It's all crazy. Friends don't make emotional demands like this on other friends.

 

You need to just step back and think about what you're doing. You're lonely, but it's not her responsibility to cure this problem. I think you need to join some groups or get involved with a charity or some other activity where you can connect with other people because making demands on your friend will only result in pushing her away further.

Thanks everyone. I pretty much expected all of your answers, but it’s reassuring to hear and I appreciate it. I need to move on and if she’s ever ready to apologize and put in the effort that I’ve put in, maybe we can reconcile things down the road.

 

DanZee, I appreciate your input. I just don’t feel like I’ve demanded anything from her or been clingy. She and I have been very close since we met 12 years ago. This behavior was out of the ordinary for our friendship and it was only natural for me to want to try and save what was left of it. I know that if I had other close friends like her it would be easier, which is a change I’m willing to work towards. Asking my best friend to hang out with me every once in awhile is something we both have always done. The only reason I said she was selfish is because she won’t be honest with me and tell me she needs space, she said she wanted us to be closer. She wants to keep me around for when she needs me. But I’ve given her space already and will continue to do so.

 

This dilemma has been going on for almost a year. And after she’s rejected me several times over that time frame I go quiet and give her space. Then she’ll send a message out of the blue and want to meet for coffee or lunch. Which I always agree to. But that’s all I ever get from her - an hour every month or so. I think she does this either because her guilt sets in or she feels obligated to do it so that I don’t think she’s completely written me off. It keeps me around so that I’ll stay convenient for her when she needs something. This is why I think she’s been selfish. She would sometimes even initiate the plans and say she’s coming over one day to see me and catch up, then the day will come and she never says anything and doesn’t show up.

And I don’t expect her to cure my loneliness, I just wanted her to care about it, even a little.

She is not a friend.

 

You should have ended the friendship, long ago. Thinking that your behavior toward her will make her a better person is arrogant and manipulative. Perfect example. :" I always thought that me being a good example of a true friend would rub off on her, and make her value our friendship more the way I did." Either you accept the sh$tty relationship or find beter friends. One is a good friend because that is who they are, not how they expect others to treat them. .

 

I have not read your previous threads, but I am certain that people advised you to be done with her. I would be curious to know why you kept on with this, when her actions clearly demonstrate that she is not a friend. You do not paint her in a positive light. You said that she was selfish and disloyal, throughout.

 

There may have also been too much neediness and guilt tripping on your part, as you do not have a healthy social life.

 

This is a great time to expand your social circle. Get out and meet new people.

Life is complicated ENOUGH and TOO short to hold on to people that don't want to stay. If they push you away, let them go. Just make sure you don't let your "friend" return to use you for HER benefit because she will. Let her go-- so that you can make room for positive people that will love and embrace you. You may miss what you THOUGHT you had with her at one point- but as time and distance will soon show, your life will be so much BETTER without her negativity!

 

I cut my former best friend out of my life without warning a few months ago. He is out of the circle of trust. I tend to be very needy and clingy at times, as well as a loner. But I'm better off alone -- than dealing with people who stress me the hell out. And so are you! This is the second toxic best friend I've had to cut off in 2 years- the first was a female friend of 6 years, the second was my ex bf of 2 years. My tolerance for BS was lower the second time around and that's why I cut him off faster than I cut her off. So I'm done with best friends for now- im going to be my own best friend. I do have a new friendgirl that has an autistic child like me, and we get along very good. I'm being more careful of the way I choose my "friends" these days, as well as the type of friend I am to others. More friends will come to you in time as well. Good luck to you!

She already stated she feels like a third wheel/uncomfortable around you and your husband.

she won’t be honest with me and tell me she needs space

She is being honest, but diplomatic when she turns down invitations, she doesn't have to officially "break up" with or divorce you because this is not a romance or marriage.

she’s rejected me several times over that time frame I go quiet and give her space.

Even if friendships have been close since you were children, they can fade out and this seems to be what's happening.

 

For whatever reason, she's happy with Becca and isn't interested in making time for you. I don't think this is a depression issue as she still makes time for Becca and whatever she is telling you, is just excuses.

 

All you can do accept this and find new friends.

 

I'm sorry you're going through a sad time with it, it can be disappointing to lose what you thought was a close friendship.

The more friends and family members with whom we can build good bonds over the course of our lives while respecting the limits of each, the better equipped we will be to handle the bumps and bruises with any of them along the way.

 

As kids we were blank slates and formed 'best' friendships in ways that aren't appropriate for adults. As adults we're more solidified into our own personalities, and part of healthy maturity is learning how to form different kinds and degrees of relationships to meet different needs.

 

You've invested all of your focus in one friendship. That not only forms a burdensome dependency that sets you both up for resentment, it also deprives you of learning the skills to branch out and make new friends, which would diffuse your focus on any given friend.

 

Living through a microscope makes you unhappy, and being viewed through one makes her unhappy. So it's reached the point where she actually blows you off. That's your signal that she's not in a good place to value you, and it's long beyond time for you to expand your scope. Consider researching potential interests that you can explore on your own, and open yourself up to meeting new people over those common bonds. This will distract you from any 'need' for a drastic and dramatic breakup with the old friend. You can just allow for a natural divergence and the possibility that maybe you'll both meet on higher ground someday.

 

Head high, move your focus, and you'll thank yourself later.

Thanks so much everyone. Again I was pretty much expecting a lot of your responses. But it’s nice to be reassured. I’m in my late 20’s so I’m slowly learning these things - friendships do fade as we get older and a lot of the people you thought would stick around unfortunately don’t. I understand now it wasn’t healthy to put all of my focus and effort into this one friendship. It resulted in losing a connection with other ones that could’ve been healthier for me. She is still continuing to send me funny articles and photos and things like that, I laugh and respond to it but that’s it. I’m not initiating the contact, and I won’t be asking her to hang out anymore as much as it hurts, but I’ll eventually move on. My husband has been a great help as well as my other best friend who lives out of state. She has been my rock and given great advice. But I’m glad I turned here and got some great unbiased opinions. I’m responding here on my cell phone, so I haven’t perfected mobile navigation on here quite yet but I would like to thank each and every one of you. I will keep in mind all of your suggestions!