Question about friendship (non romantic).

Do you believe that in order to be a good friend to someone you are required to be open to discussion about every single aspect of the other person's life? Or do you think it is okay to say to the friend I love you and I am always here for you if you genuinely need me, but I'm not comfortable about talking about a certain subject with you / suggesting they find someone else to talk to about said subject?

The very very very short version with all of the important missing details of my current problem is that my friend/roommate is "seeing" someone she very briefly dated and was hurt by in the past.

Although I don't personally know this person well enough to say if they've changed or not, I have a very strong dislike for them. I think for me personally it has alot more to do with me and my own abandonment issues and what I will be losing by her having this other person in her life, than the actual person themself.

*sidenote* When she first moved in a year and a half ago she was very adamant that if I was ever to start dating anyone male or female, it would make her very uncomfortable to the point she would no longer live here. I didn't really see a concern with that because I had no interest in dating anyone anyways so no big deal. Nowthat the tables have turned and it's her who has someone to date, when I brought it up she basically said yeah that was dumb I shouldn't have said that, sorry. And brushed it off.

My friend and I have had 2 conversations about this. She is 100% aware how I feel as we are open and honest with each other.

The problem is that this has caused our homelife to be akward. We were really close and constantly hanging out together, and now we basically go through the daily motion of saying hi how was your day, and then we both retreat to our bedrooms with little contact for the rest of the night.

Any mention of the person she's seeing and I immediately go into defense mode and become standoffish and distant. Not something I enjoy or do deliberately , it just happens.

She feels that as her friend I should be happy for her and that she should be able to talk to me about the relationship. She wants to express her excitement for the relationship to me etc. But she chooses not to because she knows I dislike the situation. She doesn't really have other friends so she feels like she has to keep it inside when all she wants to do is talk about it.

I am really struggling both internally and externally. I hear her and I recognize what she is saying. I know what the outcome is if I don't fix this. But I can't seem to get over my own feelings or put mine aside for the sake of sparing hers and allowing her to talk openly about this relationship I have no desire to hear about. It would be one thing if she told me the relationship was abusive or damaging to her - I would obviously be there for her but just to hear about random crap like their adventure to the beach or they got coffee etc, I give zero "effs" about.. in my mind it's like " ok cool you had so much fun getting coffee, then go get coffee again instead of sitting here telling me how much fun coffee was".

I understand she is an adult and is responsible for making the decisions regarding who she dates and that she doesn't need my approval. I'm not trying to control the situation. Even if she said okay I'm not going to see them or talk to them, that still would not resolve this issue because I would know she was only doing it to appease me and that is not what I want.

I just want to be able to deal with the deeper issues at hand and be able to grow from this experience. I'm so conflicted.

As long as the roommate agreement is respected (as far as guests/dates) there is not much you can do if you don't want to listen to her dating stories, except change the subject or say you're busy,tired, whatever and leave the room. Unfortunately it's not up to you to approve or disapprove of her new lover, all you can do is avoid listening to her about it.

There is no such thing as "exclusive roommates" where neither is allowed to date but they are supposedly "platonic". Are you sure you don't have a thing for her? Or are you upset she's dating and you're not?

When she first moved in a year and a half ago she was very adamant that if I was ever to start dating anyone male or female, it would make her very uncomfortable to the point she would no longer live here.

She feels that as her friend I should be happy for her and that she should be able to talk to me about the relationship.

Why would she state that she would move out if you had started dating someone? That's very strange. Do you have a dating history with her?

I think that both of your attitudes are off. You may not like the individual, but have no reason to act distant. On the other hand, if you have told her not to bring him up, then she should not. Period.

What did this guy do?

If may be time to move out, if things have become so uncomfortable.

I'm 100% sure I don't have a thing for her.

Some of it is selfishness and I do recognize that but I don't know how to get rid of that feeling.

Prior to her moving in I had been in a failed marriage and 2 failed relationships. I had to learn to be completely alone and completely independent. When she came along she was very persistent on wanting to help. Let me do this for you let me do that. I would always decline and told her I didn't need or want the help because I did not want to become dependent on her and I also didn't want to take advantage of her / take her for granted and come to expect these things of her.

She always found ways to help regardless.

We work opposite shifts so she would always make sure my dog got out when she got home, she would make him dinner ( he eats raw so you can't just pour kibble down you actually have to make a meal). She would often offer to get my dinner started because she knew I would be too tired when I got home. I would come home from grocery shopping and she'd have the backdoor open waiting for me so she can help bring the groceries up the stairs.

All very little things, but they added up and I've become accustom to them. It's always been just us. Last Christmas we kinda went wild and spoiled each other. We had a blast decorating the house and putting the tree up and waking up early like kids on Christmas morning..

None of that is going to happen if she has this other person in her life. She's going to be focussing her energy into that relationship instead of the relationship she has with me.

It's not time to move out.

This was originally my apartment.

We both recognize that it is akward and we both want to resolve this. She doesn't want to leave and I don't want her to leave. Why would we jump to the furthest possible conclusion.

I think she stated that it would make her uncomfortable because she developed feelings for me when she first moved in that I did not reciprocate. Those have since gone, and I'm happy that they have.

It's not time to move out.

This was originally my apartment.

We both recognize that it is akward and we both want to resolve this. She doesn't want to leave and I don't want her to leave. Why would we jump to the furthest possible conclusion.

 

I think she stated that it would make her uncomfortable because she developed feelings for me when she first moved in that I did not reciprocate. Those have since gone, and I'm happy that they have.

I think that if you had included the last two posts, it would have helped in answering your question.

I think that it is quite selfish for you not to be happy for her, but it also shows that you must expand your friend circle. You are way to dependent on her.

You two need to have an open discussion, or you will lose the friendship.

She sounds like a very good friend, you need to reciprocate.

She is a very good friend. And that's what makes it so hard.

I know that you're just trying to help and I do appreciate that as that is what I'm here for but when you say that I need to reciprocate, I know that I do but I'm struggling to do so. When you say that it's selfish of me - I whole heartedly agree and I admit that..But I'm struggling with.. When you say we need to have an open discussion. We have. More than once. As previously stated, I am very open with her. Every thing that I have said here today, she has heard because I tell her how I feel about this when asked.

I know that these things need to change and that the selfishness needs to go away etc I'm trying to get insight on how I can be a better friend. I can't just turn my emotions and feelings off and say okay we're good. It's not that easy. I genuinely care about her and need to be real with her.

She is a very good friend. And that's what makes it so hard.

I know that you're just trying to help and I do appreciate that as that is what I'm here for but when you say that I need to reciprocate, I know that I do but I'm struggling to do so. When you say that it's selfish of me - I whole heartedly agree and I admit that..But I'm struggling with.. When you say we need to have an open discussion. We have. More than once. As previously stated, I am very open with her. Every thing that I have said here today, she has heard because I tell her how I feel about this when asked.

 

I know that these things need to change and that the selfishness needs to go away etc I'm trying to get insight on how I can be a better friend. I can't just turn my emotions and feelings off and say okay we're good. It's not that easy. I genuinely care about her and need to be real with her.

I think that it is a good start that you acknowledge these things. I also believe the next step, is to expand your friend circle. Do you have other friends? How is your social life?

Both of our social lives are very dull. Up until this point we basically depend on each other for a social life. Neither of us are social. We both dislike most people and purposefully try to avoid other people at all costs.

We keep our circles small.

I do have people I associate with at work whom I do speak to outside of work, but other than grabbing a bite to eat we don't do anything together.

My best friend lives 4 hours away and just had a baby yesterday with emergency complications. She usually comes down every couple of months to hang out but with a new baby that will not be happening as often.

I have another friend that I will go for coffee with once every couple of months. But no I do not have like a group of girlfriends that I hang out with regularly.

That is not good, and it is not healthy. This is why you are in your current predicament. Your previous living situation - so dependent on each other - could not go on forever. I don't understand why you dislike most people? That sounds very arrogant, or you simply choose crap people.

I think that it is good that this has happened, as you really need to make some healthy life changes. Join Meetups, check out new interests, join clubs (outdoor, indoor activities) volunteer etc... Your life sounds incredibly isolating and unhappy. Time to see the world as a positive place, not a negative one.

This should be a wake up call.

This is jealousy. It’s ok that you feel jealous - it’s a natural response - but these are your feelings to deal with, not hers. (She is not doing anything wrong)

There are really 2 paths for this relationship.

If you want to be a couple, you can preserve all of the things you love (the little things she does for you, the christmases, etc).

If you want to be a friend, you WILL lose this stuff. At some point, she is likely going to meet someone and want to get married and have babies, etc. Or she’ll simply want to move out at some point. While these things are enjoyable, they are temporary. It is the natural way of friends.

I think that by NOT listening her talk about her relationship, you are creating a rift. What’s going to happen if she marries this guy? Will she feel comfortable having you at the wedding knowing how you feel about him? Or doing things together with them as a family unit? By pushing this guy away, you are pushing her away.

I know you are upset and uncomfortable about all this, but I think you need to think of the long game. If you want to preserve the friendship, you need to respect her choices (even if you don’t like them) and find ways to deal with your own feelings.

If you can’t do that, I do have to wonder if your feelings go further than friends (and maybe you are in denial).

What do you want this friendship to look like 10 years from now? Because it WILL change. That’s what you need to work towards.

Unfortunately you were acting more like a couple than roommates. She is straight so thought this was just being a good roommate and friend. Perhaps it's time for you to start dating again so her love-life and dating doesn't sting this much.

She would often offer to get my dinner started because she knew I would be too tired when I got home. I would come home from grocery shopping and she'd have the backdoor open waiting for me so she can help bring the groceries up the stairs. It's always been just us. Last Christmas we kinda went wild and spoiled each other. We had a blast decorating the house and putting the tree up and waking up early like kids on Christmas morning..

 

None of that is going to happen if she has this other person in her life. She's going to be focussing her energy into that relationship instead of the relationship she has with me.

You didn't want to become dependent on her, but you did, and it was nice for a time. It's going to be hard, but now you will have to learn to adjust to the new situation, the same as you did when she moved in. As much as you may dislike him, you will need to accept the situation somehow. I was pretty upset when my best friend very quickly started dating and then got married, but after 6 months or so I became good friends with her as well. I think it's a little BS the idea that you should just "be happy" for someone in a situation just because they are your friend. It's OK to have reservations. But it is a good idea to at least keep an open mind and realize that there are reasons she likes this person, and you have to respect where she is coming from.

It also may help to really think about where you are coming from. When she told you she didn't want you to date anyone and you were like "eh, OK!" I think you were trying to protect yourself. You refer to your past relationships as "failed". I mean, any relationship that doesn't last forever could be seen to have "failed", but that's a pretty negative way to view the past. I may be reaching here, but perhaps you were using this close platonic relationship to protect you from moving on. You could have some of the nice things that relationships give: decorating together, taking care of pets, having deep conversations - without some of the extra stresses that relationships usually come with. You didn't have to worry that it will end the same way your previous ones had.

Now that she is moving on, it's a bitter reminder of your past "failures", and also may be triggering some of your desires you may have buried. Maybe there is a part of you that does still want to date, and you are irritated that she is doing so and you aren't. "Why doesn't she just go have coffee instead of telling me how great it was." This sounds a lot like, "why don't you stop telling me that you are having a nice time doing something that I wont let myself or don't know how to get myself to do."

This may be hard right now, but it is an opportunity for both of you to grow. Some people come into our lives to show us that we do need other people even when we think we don't. But it can take losing - or simply the threat of losing - that person to really learn the lesson.

Wow. I think you've both gone beyond the bounds of being roommates and have turned this situation into a pseudo marriage. You mentioned that your roommate originally had feelings for you and overstepped her role by telling you she would move out if you ever dated someone. Now that she's dating someone herself, are you perhaps feeling a little jealous, even if you don't realize it? I mean, when she tries to tell you about her date, as friends normally would, you don't want to hear about it. And instead of being happy for her, you want to have a long discussion with her about your feelings.

I think you need to pull back and realize that you're just roommates. You owe it to be civil to her, but you don't need to be all up in her life. The fact that you both lack friends probably led to this situation. But you should approach this as you approach your relationships with your co-workers. You can be friendly, but you need to pull back emotionally from this. You live your life, let her live hers.

I can't say anything that hasn't been already stated. You acknowledge that you two were overly dependent on each other and in a somewhat unhealthy way excluded others from your lives. Honestly, you two behaved much like a married couple. It's not a mystery as to why you now feel left behind.

I admire your honestly. It's a brave thing to admit your mistakes and wrong doings.

Acknowledge is half the battle. Seeing you are intellectually aware of what's going on and why, it just takes our emotions a little longer to catch up.

`Act as if' Fake it until it becomes a habit. Your heart will catch up eventually.

If not, you may lose your friendship.

In the meantime, learn the lesson this is trying to teach you.

Open your horizons, create a full life and make some more friends. That way you won't find yourself overly dependent on someone

Unfortunately you were acting more like a couple than roommates. She is straight so thought this was just being a good roommate and friend. Perhaps it's time for you to start dating again so her love-life and dating doesn't sting this much.

She's not straight..

She's seeing a woman.

I just didn't think it mattered to mention that.

I’m pretty sure you’re jealous and have feelings for her, and are either lying to us or yourself.

I absolutely do not have romantic feelings for her.

100%

I absolutely do not have romantic feelings for her.

100%

There’s no reason you’d feel this jealous if you didn’t. I really think you need to explore this possibility more.

What would be your initial reaction if she moved out to move in with a SO?

I appreciate your input.

I guess I don't or can't spot those reasons she like a this person.

Honestly I don't even know that she does like this woman specifically.. I think if anyone came along and paid her attention and was nice to her she would gravitate towards them.

Relationships are suppose to evolve into something. They are suppose to go somewhere.

My friend does not want to get married.

She also hates children and the woman she is seeing has 7 children. So it makes me question how she's gonna be able to be in a relationship with this person if she can't be accepting of this person's life.

that wasn’t my question :)

That explains why you're upset that she chose her over you.

She's seeing a woman.

As kids we were blank slates and homogenized with 'best' friends in ways that aren't appropriate for adults. As adults we're more solidified into our own personalities and form different kinds and degrees of friendships to meet different needs. So not only is it fine to take certain subjects off the table, when we limit a friend from using us as a sounding board for a relationship we don't support, we avoid inadvertently embedding that friend deeper into that relationship.

Your friend was fine placing boundaries on you that otherwise would have made her uncomfortable. Its equally reasonable for you to uphold your own boundaries, regardless of how intentional or convenient those are.

Friend retreating to send her time in contact with New Lover is likely not very different from what you'd experience if you were thrilled for her. If she's all that ga-ga over NL, your degree of pleasure is likely irrelevant to how she'd conduct herself in the household. I'd view this as your signal to expand your scope of friends beyond the intimacy you once shared with this one. Chances are, even if this were a relationship you supported, your friend would have devolved into a distant and preoccupied roommate anyway in order to focus on NL.

Head high, and add some new friends to your life. You'll thank yourself later.