Getting an engaged ex back

I just don’t know what to do. I’ve tried being direct (in the past) and I’ve tried backing off and “letting her rebound play out” as my friends have said and now she’s set to marry the guy this weekend. This would be a HUGE mistake on her part! I still love her and I know she still loves me and I know she can’t possibly have with this guy that she barely knows what she had with me in the 6 years we have spent together. I just need a strategy on what to do next. I know this may not stop her from marrying him, but that doesn’t necessarily spell out the end. I’m thinking of maybe sending her an email or something? Or would a handwritten letter be better? Or should I skip all that and just go to her?

Omg. I feel for you.

Don't think there's much you can do, the wedding is this weekend.

If it helps any, I married my rebound quickly after breaking up with my hs sweetheart of 6 years. My ex came to me when I got engaged, during, and the day before the wedding. He was even outside the church that day. I'll never forget it. I divorced, and to this day my hs sweetheart and I are still great friends, but opposite ends of the US. He visits, he stays with me. I could have married him, and sometimes regretfully wish I had, but let her go. I know you hurt. If you and her had real, true love, it won't die. You'll come together again.

I'm sorry you're hurting. Hang in there. (((Hugs)))

What a sweet, or bittersweet, post from SweetGirl.

Look, there may not be anything you can do. Maybe she's making the wrong choice, maybe not. Life is insane. I would put all strategy out the window and put it all on the line. Heart on sleeve. Call her up, show up somewhere, let her know exactly how you feel: Babe, this is nuts, I know. I don't want to get in the way of your happiness, but I want you and me to be building happiness together. I see it, I believe it, etc.

It's a hail Mary. It very likely won't work. You may feel foolish and vulnerable. But if it's your truest self, why not put it out there? That, in the end, is always a win, even if pain comes from it.

I say this as someone who is deathly afraid to express genuine feeling, and who has lost a lot of loves because of it. Heck, just an hour ago I was sitting in the home of someone I'm seeing nervous to leave her a note saying how much she means to me. I might end up feeling silly for leaving it, if it doesn't land as hoped, but it's who I am and how I feel. And if I ever find myself in your very difficult shoes, I hope this was a moment when I built up the muscle required to put it all on the line regardless of an outcome.

Good luck and hugs.

I second what BlueCastle said. Show up where you know she is. Just not the wedding day like my ex. That tore my heart out. Listen if I'm honest, I went through with everything because I didn't want to disappoint everyone, the people who traveled from out of town, the banquet hall, I was so worried about all that money spent. Had a great honeymoon! Rest was downhill.

I assure you, probably won't work, but she will remember. And she won't be mad or see it as selfish from you, she'll know you loved her, still do. I believe in saying what you mean, mean what you say, and don't miss an opportunity to do it. That's provided you are not on bad terms of course. If it was a toxic relationship, say nothing. But I don't get that impression.

The only shot missed, is the one not taken.

Thank you both for your advice; I don’t want to do anything that’ll make her angrier at me but I can’t just let go either (been trying that and hasn’t worked). SweetGirl, since you have experience with this, do you think there’s anything your ex could have said or did that would have stopped you from marrying? And I hope you don’t mind me asking but, is there a reason you never reconciled after?

I just don’t know what to do. I’ve tried being direct (in the past) and I’ve tried backing off and “letting her rebound play out” as my friends have said and now she’s set to marry the guy this weekend. This would be a HUGE mistake on her part! I still love her and I know she still loves me and I know she can’t possibly have with this guy that she barely knows what she had with me in the 6 years we have spent together. I just need a strategy on what to do next. I know this may not stop her from marrying him, but that doesn’t necessarily spell out the end. I’m thinking of maybe sending her an email or something? Or would a handwritten letter be better? Or should I skip all that and just go to her?

DO NOT SHOW UP ANYWHERE. Accept that she has chosen to marry and back away forever. Respect her marriage. Don't call or text. Don't try to "show up to run into her". Become a ghost. disappear. Block her on social media so you don't have to see pictures. Move on. If she wanted to marry you, she would be married to you. You were already direct with her (as you have stated) and she wasn't interested in trying again. Respect her marriage. Move on. I know its hard - but you must accept the breakup

Thank you both for your advice; I don’t want to do anything that’ll make her angrier at me but I can’t just let go either (been trying that and hasn’t worked). SweetGirl, since you have experience with this, do you think there’s anything your ex could have said or did that would have stopped you from marrying? And I hope you don’t mind me asking but, is there a reason you never reconciled after?

Yes you can and will let her go. It was hard for me to let the ex that walked out on me go ---- but i did? do you know how? distance and time. I put as much physical distance between us as possible. I moved away. But you don't have to move. you stop going to the places she likes to go - make new friends, etc, go in a different direction. As time passes = the further away the last time you spoke or saw her is, the easier it will be to heal. It WILL happen unless you fight it from happening - and then she will still be wth someone else and you will still be miserable. There is someone else out there for you

Thank you both for your advice; I don’t want to do anything that’ll make her angrier at me but I can’t just let go either (been trying that and hasn’t worked). SweetGirl, since you have experience with this, do you think there’s anything your ex could have said or did that would have stopped you from marrying? And I hope you don’t mind me asking but, is there a reason you never reconciled after?

If you feel she's angry at you right now, probably shouldn't say anything. Idk. It's your call.

I wasnt angry with mine anymore. We weren't friends, but I loved him still.

I honestly wanted to bail out, but was so afraid to disappoint everyone. I was so young. I didn't want to bail until that day before. And at the church, OMG I just cried because the look on his face, omg I can still see it clear as day. If he had walked up to me instead of standing there teary eyed, I think I might have gone with him. I looked around before I said "I do" lol! To see if he was in there. Found out later he was. Behind me, do I wouldn't see him watching. Damn test still bring tears to my eyes lol.

Okay, so he said "I'm sorry for all I did, I never meant to hurt you. I loved you from the minute I saw you in driving school. I only loved you more each day we had together, and I'd give anything to erase the past. But I can't. All I can promise is to be your "Al-igator (his name is Alan and that's what I called him) from now until we're old and the nurses have to pry our hands apart because our arthritis is so bad, but we still want to be joined together(which made me laugh, because I had just graduated nursing school, and he and I always had to be holding hands when together lol) see how he personalized it? He knew how to tug at my heart.

After I divorced he came back , we started dating again and lived together a short while . My dad died and I wasn't healed well from the divorce, and his ex(the reason I had broken up with him, he cheated but that's another story) would not go away. She harassed me, I couldn't deal with it. That's another story too but anyway so he was moving, asked me to marry him, I had a choice. Stay or go with him. I was not wanting to leave my family at the time. I wasn't in a good head space. So he's been married, divorced, we've stayed friends. There's not a week in all these years that have passed that we haven't talked. And TBH, when my daughter is done with hs, I may move with him. I had the chance last year, my daughter didn't want to go(though she loves him omg).

DO NOT SHOW UP ANYWHERE. Accept that she has chosen to marry and back away forever. Respect her marriage. Don't call or text. Don't try to "show up to run into her". Become a ghost. disappear. Block her on social media so you don't have to see pictures. Move on. If she wanted to marry you, she would be married to you. You were already direct with her (as you have stated) and she wasn't interested in trying again. Respect her marriage. Move on. I know its hard - but you must accept the breakup

Idk their circumstances obviously, but in my case, I did want to marry my ex. It's not really fair to say if she wanted to marry him,she would. Everyone's situation is unique and different. Sometimes stubbornness gets in the way, as well as just being young to handle stuff. Idk how old they are though.

Idk their circumstances obviously, but in my case, I did want to marry my ex. It's not really fair to say if she wanted to marry him,she would. Everyone's situation is unique and different. Sometimes stubbornness gets in the way, as well as just being young to handle stuff. Idk how old they are though.

Well -- what i mean is -- if she is getting married to someone ELSE - she doesn't want to marry him or be in a relationship with him....either way... i don't know their ages -- but she has made a choice, whether that's a good choice or a negative choice -- who knows- - but she made a choice and he needs to accept that this is the reality.

Real life isn't always like the movies.

Sometimes it is. For me in this situation, it was. Not everything works out badly.

I will say though, to the OP, when years pass, that pain leaves, the love changes. True love does not die. Ever.

But it does become different. That "in love" feeling, when apart, turns to "I love this person". Nothing more .

It takes a relationship with that person again to get that feeling back .

Well -- what i mean is -- if she is getting married to someone ELSE - she doesn't want to marry him or be in a relationship with him....either way... i don't know their ages -- but she has made a choice, whether that's a good choice or a negative choice -- who knows- - but she made a choice and he needs to accept that this is the reality.

Yes, he does need to accept and respect her choice. Even though it hurts like hell. Seems she going to do it since its in a couple of days.

It was hard for me to let the ex that walked out on me go ---- but i did? do you know how? distance and time. I put as much physical distance between us as possible. I moved away

Me too lol. I understand where you’re coming from and once again, thanks everyone for the advice. As I mentioned, I’ve tried the backing off thing. I haven’t spoken to my ex in over a year and I moved downstate after we stopped talking (although it wasn’t solely due to her) and while I no longer obsess over her daily, I do still feel as strongly as I did when we were together which is the reason why I can’t just walk away now. We both mid to late 20s although her intended is mid 30s I think.

Wow, have to admit I'm kind of shocked by the advice given so far on this thread. People who simply want to text an ex a month after a breakup get beat down with tough love, but OP wants to chase someone getting married and he's getting encouragement?

OP, please do not show up anywhere, call, or write a letter. She is your ex and she is getting married. Do not tarnish her wedding forever by making some grand declaration of love. It will not end the way you want it to and cause unnecessary drama and stress for all involved parties. She may or may not be making a mistake, but it is her mistake to make. Please just let her go.

It is highly likely this won't turn out the way you're imagining it, with her falling passionately into your arms and riding off into the sunset with you.

More likely she will be angry and embarrassed if you do show up at the wedding. She most likely will view it as you causing a scene on what is supposed to be a happy day for her. Not to mention humiliating yourself in front of all her family and friends.

If she did still love you, why would she marry someone else? It would be an awfully extreme way to get your attention if that's what she wanted.

Wow, have to admit I'm kind of shocked by the advice given so far on this thread. People who simply want to text an ex a month after a breakup get beat down with tough love, but OP wants to chase someone getting married and he's getting encouragement?

 

OP, please do not show up anywhere, call, or write a letter. She is your ex and she is getting married. Do not tarnish her wedding forever by making some grand declaration of love. It will not end the way you want it to and cause unnecessary drama and stress for all involved parties. She may or may not be making a mistake, but it is her mistake to make. Please just let her go.

Not surprising coming from me! I am no fan of NC and silent treatment crap at all unless the relationship was toxic, or someone is expressing to leave them alone or not replying to attempts.

However, now that I read they've had NC for a year, it's best to let it go because her feelings are probably gone if she hasnt reached out all all. Sorry Gordon :(

Yeah, Gordon. Much as the romantic in me wants to say otherwise, a year is not five minutes. Whatever is going on with her, you have to accept that you don't know it and that it's probably not the same as what's going on with you. She did, after all, decide to get married.

And it hurts. And I'm sorry. And I'm not even totally saying you shouldn't reach out.

That said, I would challenge yourself to ask some hard questions about what, exactly, you're holding onto right now and reacting to right now. You've told yourself a big story over the past year, but all the information is coming from your head, your heart, and, yeah, your ego. She's given you no fuel for that fire. You've been taking a lot of comfort in that story, editing out the parts that don't quite conform to your narrative by assuming she's unhappy, that this relationship is a rebound, whatever. But somewhere along the way she got engaged and is now about to be married. Your story is cracking up, and you want to put it back together.

I feel you. Ultimately only you know what's best here, but take a moment to really take inventory of what you're working with here, that space between reality and fantasy. It's brutal, that space, I know. I've spent a lot of time in it, not all of it productive. But regardless of what happens this weekend, I do know that there is someone else for you, and so much light and joy to be found and shared. Sadly, it's often moving through some visceral pain that we get there.

Wow, have to admit I'm kind of shocked by the advice given so far on this thread. People who simply want to text an ex a month after a breakup get beat down with tough love, but OP wants to chase someone getting married and he's getting encouragement?

 

OP, please do not show up anywhere, call, or write a letter. She is your ex and she is getting married. Do not tarnish her wedding forever by making some grand declaration of love. It will not end the way you want it to and cause unnecessary drama and stress for all involved parties. She may or may not be making a mistake, but it is her mistake to make. Please just let her go.

I'm with you on that SGH, literally shaking my head. There seems to be an awful lot of projection going on here, which I suppose is par for the course. I've done it too.

But in this situation, good gosh, your ex is planning to spend her life with another man and it's NOT for you to say she's making a mistake.

And frankly I think it's quite arrogant for you to assume she is. That's just insulting. I mean wt* you don't think she's capable of making her own decisions, that YOU, as her ex, knows what's best for her?

Assume that she has thought about this and knows what she's doing. Frankly, and no disrespect to SG, but I think it's very rare for someone to marry because they didn't want to disappoint everyone or were too "scared" to break it off.

I think it's best to assume that as a grown woman who is responsible for making her own decisions, she knows quite well what she doing, and has made the best decision for HER.

She's in love with another man and going to marry him, so no absolutely do not show up anywhere (you will only embarrass yourself), or harbor any feelings that eventually she will "come to her senses" or something, or eventually realize she made a mistake and come running back to you.

I do agree that while we never know where this life will lead us, I can almost guarantee that is not going to happen.

Let go, it's time.

Good luck, time heals.

Preach^^.

The romcom-addicted boy I once was (and still am) got the best of me early, I think.

OMG! Mind your own business, her getting married is not your business. Dont even think about invading her wedding, sending her emails, or interfering in any way. If you cant find it within yourself to mind your business, get some therapy to get over her. Your obsession with her will bite you in the butt at some point if you dont get past this.

Preach^^.

 

Oh gosh, the last thing I would ever want to do is sound "preachy"!

OP, apologies if my post came off that way, I am certainly not the be-all-end-all about these things, just giving you my honest assessment of the situation.

I wish you the best moving forward!

Katrina, "preach!" has the same meaning in essence as "amen!" Which means "yes, I concur", not "you're lecturing us!"

Yes, for clarity, Katrina: that was just a secular "amen," as in "thank you for your wisdom."

Why didn't you marry her? You were together for 6 years.