In what I think is toxic love

I've read these forums but never posted. However, enough is enough and I need to get this off my chest. I am desperately looking for advice and I can't talk to my friends about it and I recently moved out of the country and haven't found a therapist here that I have clicked with yet. Anyway, here is my story and here is why I need advice:

Joe and I have been dating for about 3 years now. We met in college. Within 1 week of us "officially" dating, life got really hard. My dad was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer and was given a few months to live. Joe did all that he could to help comfort me. I was going to school out of state so I frequently would cry and be worried about what was happening at home. Within a month of us dating, I went through his phone and found that he was texting a girl telling her he felt guilty dating me bc he still had feelings for her. I was crushed and confronted him. He was abusing lots of xanax and painkillers at the time so he blamed it on that. I helped him decide to move back home because of his addiction so he could get clean. He left school without saying goodbye to me (he said goodbye to the girl he had feelings for but wasn't dating).

Fast forward another month and he was sober and clean and I was willing to give him another shot. We were happily dating and making long distance (4 hour drive) work. For about the next year I was very happy with our relationship. My dad passed away and Joe helped me through everything. He had a few relapses and we worked through them. I always encouraged him to go to NA meetings but he never liked the idea of them. About a year and a half into our relationship, I found out that he had cheated on me the summer before (about 6 months into our relationship). A friend told me, not Joe. I broke up with him for about two months. In those two months I decided to enroll in a Master's program in Psychology in Europe. We ended up getting back together before I left for Europe.

I love Joe with all my heart. He is my first love and my best friend. He is a soft soul and has a good heart. He knows me so well and is amazing with my family. However, I've come to the realization that throughout our relationship I have become increasingly anxious and insecure. I look back at who I was before we started dating and I was a free spirit. Now, I measure my waist everyday and count calories. I hate everything about me. I am constantly torturing myself and looking at these two other girls' social media to see what he saw in them. We've had many many many conversations and he blamed his actions with both girls on xanax. He has apologized and tried making it up to me. I tell him I'm insecure and he'll send me a text telling me im beautiful and that he wants to marry me etc. but that's not what I want to hear. I want to feel those things not be told them.

It's so difficult. I feel torn about everything. I can picture us married with kids so easily. I haven't gone a single day without speaking to him in 3 years. He's my other half. I know he doesn't intentionally try to make me feel insecure but that's a result of his actions. On the other hand, those things happened 2 years ago and I've forgiven him. Yet i still torture myself about it and think about it for hours everyday.

I want to feel confident and love myself while also having Joe in my life. But I'm not sure I can have both. When I tell him about these doubts he's threatened to commit suicide if I leave him. I dont know what to do. I feel like it's toxic. I'm addicted to him and he (was) addicted to xanax (currently has been clean for a few months).

Was I just clinging onto him in the beginning because my dad was sick? And I accepted his poor behavior because I love him and wanted someone there? Am I just so pathetically desperate?

What would you guys do if you were me

You asked what we would do if we were you?

 

Within a month of us dating, I went through his phone and found that he was texting a girl telling her he felt guilty dating me bc he still had feelings for her. I was crushed and confronted him.

What I would do (or would have done) is -- after only one month of dating, I would not have confronted him. I would have told him dating him isn’t working for me anymore and wished him well. You don’t owe him a reason after only one month of dating.

Had you done that, the rest of it (his cheating, his drug use, his lying, the drama! ) you would have never experienced and as such, you would not be in the predicament you’re in right now.

I won’t even ask you what prompted you to go through his phone (after only dating him one month?), but clearly you didn’t trust him and when there is no trust, you have NOTHING.

And him blaming his cheating, etc on the drugs? My ex was a drug addict too and did the same thing. It was all either the drug's fault or someone's else's fault, he never took responsibility for anything! I am surprised he didn't blame you, my ex did!

And him threatening suicide if you leave??? It's all bull shyt, a mind f***.

Like you I loved this man with all my heart and soul, but I also loved myself, so walked out and it was the BEST decision I ever made in my entire life! I encourage you to do the same.

I am sorry for your dad’s passing, I lost my dad too, in 2014, and yes it’s devastating, I still struggle. Try to find a good therapist to help you work through all this, including why you allowed yourself to become so attached to a man who had (has) feelings for another girl (his ex?), cheated (twice that you know, that number is most likely much higher) and whom you could not trust, pretty much from day one.

You should have been done after the first cheating episode. On top of that, he is an addict- one month is not sufficient time for recovery.

You may love him, but you don't love yourself. This guy repeatedly cheats on you, yet you keep running back. Wake up! He does not love or respect you. If he is your best friend, I cringe to hear how your other friends treat you.

Be done with this loser! Lastly, it is NOT the Zane! He has no character. Your relationship is very unhealthy.

You also need to research co dependency.

Read this: https://www.google.com/amp/s/babe.net/2017/10/12/men-threatening-to-kill-themselves-when-something-goes-wrong-is-the-epitome-of-manipulation-16828/amp

Classic manipulation. Just like blaming the drugs for his cheating. I hope you have been tested for STIs?

Powerful stuff from katrina—take it to heart.

To cut to the chase: yes, this is toxic. I say that having done two toxic relationships, including one in which I played the Joe role and one in which I played the you role. Took a lot of therapy to unpack all that. Still sorting through it.

You love him and he loves you. Contrary to what a lot of posters will say, that is real. Thing is, he does not love himself, and that self-hate is where things like drugs and cheating can come in. That's him reinforcing the worst in himself, and in the process taking you down. We all have some broken pieces inside of us, but a relationship is not built on fitting broken pieces together and calling it a puzzle. That's toxic, and that's what this is.

I'm an advocate for all types of relationships. I don't think cheating has to be the end. Or drugs. Or whatever crazy things humans end up doing. But the key is that you want to feel secure, more secure than not. You don't feel that, and the toxic part (been there!) is that he has become the cure for that insecurity in your mind. If only x, if only y. And maybe you get little doses of pleasure, but that's different than long term security, which after three years should be solid.

You can't change where you've been. And there is zero shame in all the choices you've made to get to this point. Zero. But now is the time to move on, past this guy. It will be hard, but that free spirit is in there. Let her out.

No way did he get "clean and sober" after only one month!!!!

Which he has demonstrated time and again.

Do you dream of your future children having a cheating drug addict for their father?

I hope you have been tested for STIs?

Yes, I have. I appreciate your concerns.

I just want to say that I am so sorry for what you are going through. I felt like I was reading my own story as well. I'm so sorry about your dad's diagnosis and death.

I met my recent ex two years ago. We got into a relationship 2 months later, and then I found out my aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She was my last surviving relative and the relatives that I have left live 500 miles away. No sooner than I told my now "ex" about her cancer diagnosis, he started physically abusing me. Choking me, putting me down, manipulating me, playing head and mind games, because my attention was now focused on my aunt and no longer on him. He slipped up and told me about some perfume he bought from the avon lady at our job for another woman(he never gave me any perfume) so i knew early on he was a cheater too. I found out he was snorting cocaine about a week after that too. I knew that I couldn't have a drug addict under the same roof with my young children. Let him tell it, he wasn't an addict- but what woman would feel safe with her kids around a man that's uses cocaine? Even if it's her kids father or not? Not me. I knew that I couldn't feel safe with a violent man who used a drug that made him even MORE volatile. Within 3 months, i knew that he was a cheater, liar, manipulator, woman beater and cocaine drug addict of 20 years.

I stayed with him Because I was vulnerable and weak and afraid to be alone. My world as I knew it was collapsing and he was the only support that I THOUGHT i had. But he wasn't support. Real love doesnt hurt. I didn't love or value myself. Had I loved myself, I would have sent him on about his way from day one. He's gone now and that's all that matters. My aunt has now been gone for a year and a half but she's no longer suffering.

My advice to you is to leave this relationship NOW. Yes, you are hurting and going through a lot. You shouldn't have gone through his phone, but you did-- and you have valuable information about his character and who he is as a person. This man is NOT a good man. He cannot be trusted. He will NOT make you happy. See it as a sign from the universe that you need to get out before you get more deeply and heavily enmeshed. There is a better man out there that will really love and dote on you, treat you with respect and honor. You have no idea of just how good your life will become until you let him go and value yourself more. Good luck to you.

You should have walked away when you realised that he was still very close to another girl, and therefore not really available to you. The drug abuse means that he's not really available to you either, especially not when he refuses to take responsibility for his own actions, and is blaming them on his drugs. That's a complete copout, and typical of addicts of all types.

An addict isn't clean and sober after a month. There is a reason that 12-Step programs advise their members not to begin any significant relationships for the first year of recovery - and that means continuous recovery, not relapsing at intervals. The fact that he's not prepared to attend meetings is very telling, too.

It is impossible to feel confident and love yourself whilst involved with an addict, so I'm not surprised that you're having problems in this direction. It also sounds as though you're slipping into an eating disorder in your own right. As to what I'd do if I were you - first thing would be to attend Nar-Anon or Alanon meetings, the support groups for families and friends of addicts. It will not only give you support in building up your shattered self esteem, but also give you clear insights into what lies ahead if you remain in this relationship. Don't get into too much introspection as to why you got involved with him back then, just look at where you go from here. If you can't get to meetings or would like a bit more insight, you may find this forum useful: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/

In Alanon we used to talk about trust; the one thing you can truly trust an unrecovered addict to do - is to continue to indulge in their drug of choice, whether that's drugs, alcohol, gambling or sex. That will always, always be more important than anything else in their lives.

And, by the way, if he threatens suicide if you leave the relationship, let him know - kindly - that if his life without you is really that bad, then you have to respect his decision. Not an easy thing to do, but one I've done before in abusive relationships in the past.