Fiance Cheated on me

Ive been with my fiance for 6 years. We were getting married in April. We go to burning man every year and run a camp and performance group. there was a girl in the performance group who was also camping with us. she was dating a guy in the group too but they were rocky and on and off. i knew my partner had some kind of interest in her but they never hung out or anything yet he was messaging her alot before the event flirty and offering alot of extra help for the event. it annoyed me and he knew it, but i really didnt think was into him at all. did not act like it. at the event he hung around her alot. i am very confident and had alot of trust and thought you know if he wants to make a friend thats a girl fine, thats fine, and one night we were waiting for other campers to arrive, we were going to wait till 2 am then turn in, but we had been hanging out with this girl. he was doing alot of drinking and cocaine as well. her too. not me though. anyways so i decide to go to bed and tell him to come in in an hour or so. i thought i was being cool and trusting and i wasnt worried at all honestly i was just really tired.

wake up at 5 am and hes still not back. i fly out of bed and start looking for him. i could have sworn i saw the girl riding off on her bike with another guy so i figured at that moment they werent hanging out so i was worried where he was, just mad he wasnt back. 40 min later he comes wandering back from esplanade (which is like the vegas strip version of this event) and i got mad that he came back late. the next morning we went out just together and had an amazing day, but then that night he started treating me bad and fighting. it continued the next day. i had to take a pregnancy test and he didnt come with me, when i got back to camp he was coming out of her tent with a drink. i was so mad. we all decided to go out as a group to adventure aroung the event. i took pictures with her all posing in front of him, later in the day he got mad randomly and ditched the group. i had a heart to heart with the girl about how he had been mean lately and i noticed hanging out with her alot. the next morning i had enough. i KNEW she didnt like him so i told him to go to her tent and ask her and confront her so he could get over this puppy dog crush and stop treating me so rudely. he came out and acted as if she said she didnt like him and he said he thought we should leave the event for a couple days. the girl came BALLING her eyes out to me saying she didnt want ot be the reason i was leaving and i asked if anything had happened between them and she said no no i dont like him at all.

so we left the event for a couple days me and my partner, it was akward, i was upset he had abused my trust by spending too much time with her but i believed nothing physical had happened between them. the wedding was postponed and we were in a very complicated place. i had no idea they had slept together that night i let them hang out, and i only found out this week after we have been home. because he agreed to go to therapy with me for his anger and treating me badly, i had no idea it was because he HAD slept with her. he went back to the event to take down camp and do to performance, i decided to fly out to see my mom. (so i missed the burn night and the perforamance i worked all year for) he said he wouldnt talk to her but at that time i didnt know we had already all been hanging out after they had sex. he gave her a necklace he got as a gift from the event people. i was very upset he talked to he even after we had left the event and i flew somewhere else. my mom says none of these details matter.

he seems to be trying to make things work and its a huge deal for a guy like him to be in therapy. he even asked if he could start seperate sessions aside from ours which i think says alot. i just realized though i had the timeline wrong. i thought we left the day after they did that, but really days went on where i didnt know and was hanging out with them and seeing him alone with her. he says nothing more happened and i also talked to her. she said she never wants to see him ever again and they were on lots of cocaine and drunk and she doesnt even know why she did it and feels horrible. so idk. i feel like i keep focusing on details and replaying it. i feel stupid. i am struggling focusing on work. im wondering if i should tell my boss what was going on. i do massage therapy and im very close with everyone and the spa owners can tell something wrong. i also need advice how to get through this. i have a great therapist who is now working with both of us seperate and together. i just cant believe they slept together in a tent when i was waiting for him in ours RIGHT next door like 10 feet away. anyways sorry for the novel.

Sorry to hear this. You are very incompatible. It sounds like he's doing everything he can to undermine the relationship and not get married. He's drinking/doing drugs. He's out all night. He's with some chick all night.

He doesn't want to get married. Also why would you want to marry someone like this? You claim his whole family is a bunch of "toxic people". Why are you trying to get pregnant when he is trying to throw in your face that he's not done with heavy partying or random chicks? It won't stop with you getting pregnant or getting married.

No do not tell anyone at work about this. Talk to trusted family and friends, and most of all a therapist about why you are clinging to this cheating party boy.

Dump him. Please!

i think you misunderstood. we were at a festival when this happened. he has a full time job and usually never does drugs or drinks, only once a year at this big event we go to. he is not a party boy and this was very uncharacteristic for him and we had big plans so it was very random and shocking and confusing for me.

People go to burning man all the time and don't cheat. Cheating, especially under your nose, is telling you something. He disrespects you. He is not committed to you.

Honey. It's commendable that the two of you are in counseling because without it, any reconciliation would not last past the first time he went out without you. You wouldn't trust him and he wouldn't have the boundary tools in place to keep him from falling into temptation yet again.

You know you should leave him but you love him and you don't want to. I suggest that you continue on in your therapy and time will tell you exactly what it is you should do... be that stay with him and start your married life with him or leave him and find someone who you don't have this debilitating past with.

You'll figure it out.

Damn! If this jerk would behave in this manner right in front of you,I can't imagine how many times he has cheated! Get yourself tested. Pronto. Remove yourself from the denial haze. Break up with this azzhole.

Drugs, alcohol and the girl are not the problem. You would be foolish to continue.

He is no prize: cheater, liar, anger issues and alcohol and drug problems. You should have tossed this guy long ago!

i think you misunderstood. we were at a festival when this happened. he has a full time job and usually never does drugs or drinks, only once a year at this big event we go to. he is not a party boy and this was very uncharacteristic for him and we had big plans so it was very random and shocking and confusing for me.

Sorry, I don't care if its "he only does drugs at events" -- cocaine is an illegal drug EVERYWHERE. Someone with scruples has them whether they are in the office or at a party. Your mother is wrong for saying to not worry about the details unless she means that the details don't matter - cheating is cheating. He blatantly cheated on you and I don't care if its a big deal for him to go to therapy and that "means something" - he cheated RIGHT under your nose WHILE you were at the event. What kind of person does that?? My ex had his ex cheat on him downstairs in the SAME HOUSE while he was sleeping. That is the exact same thing. If he is willing to act this way in your presence, imagine if you were away on a business trip, or he was....

OK, Burning Man is to festivals like a roman orgy is to a wine tasting.

If your intent was to find out how easy it is for your "fiance" handles temptation to indulge in destructive behavior, then you went to the right place--and found out.

You can't mate-guard successfully generally, nobody can, and especially at such a thing as Burning Man.

Great advice, although I feel it's falling on deaf ears. At any rate, please avoid bringing an innocent child into this world with this clown.

Hopefully you'll make the right choices before it's too late.

This is from one of your first posts on this forum, which talks about how your boyfriend doesn't want to spend time with you, and how he wants to start hanging out with other women "as friends."

when i first started dating him he seemed a lot more immature then he now, he doesn't care about silly thing like that anymore, like jealousy, he is pretty in control of his emotions, I'm not and wish I was. this is someone i want to be with and i think thats healthy he wants to start hanging out with other people, part of why I think he's good for me are these challenges that i know will make me stronger.

I think you look up to your boyfriend because he is a couple years older than you. But let me tell you something: your boyfriend is not an emotionally mature man. Your posts on this forum are riddled with examples of how extremely entitled and self centered he is. He just keeps rejecting you over and over again.

Staying with him is not making you stronger. You will only find strength by walking away from this relationship.

i walked away obviously, tried to get myself together and not cry.. i came back to apologize and said please just let me go without the threats, i just want to enjoy my friday night, and he got super close and yelled in my face, called me a bad name, scared me half to death and pounded his keyboard and threw my laptop on the ground.. i ran to the bathroom.. i noticed my foot was cut up from the glass on the floor..

 

I'm just feeling super upset. i really didn't think i poked and prodded him to the point where i deserved that. I'm feeling really sick of not doing anything fun on the weekends with him..i miss my loving boyfriend who used to enjoy doing stuff with me. i can't believe how mad he just got. I'm wondering if this is even the kind of person i should be with.

Rejection and humiliation doesn't make you stronger.

This is from one of your first posts on this forum, which talks about how your boyfriend doesn't want to spend time with you, and how he wants to start hanging out with other women "as friends."

 

 

 

I think you look up to your boyfriend because he is a couple years older than you. But let me tell you something: your boyfriend is not an emotionally mature man. Your posts on this forum are riddled with examples of how extremely entitled and self centered he is. He just keeps rejecting you over and over again.

 

Staying with him is not making you stronger. You will only find strength by walking away from this relationship.

 

 

 

Rejection and humiliation doesn't make you stronger.

agree!!! Staying with the love of your life after they are in a horrible accident makes you stronger - not staying with someone who lies, cheats and takes illegal drugs when he lets his hair down. All that will happen if you marry him is you will be a shell of a woman -- beaten down and tired by lies -- and wish you would have listened to us.

btw, i looked at old threads and being that you have been through AA and Narc-Anon -- you should be staying far away from anyone who uses. you seriously were in 12 step programs for addiction and you think its okay that your boyfriend uses coke???

"Ive been with my fiance for 6 years."

"...therapy with me for his anger and treating me badly..."

Do you have any idea how hard it is to read this? ^

Dump the loser/user and find a way to start building your self-esteem.

btw, i looked at old threads and being that you have been through AA and Narc-Anon -- you should be staying far away from anyone who uses. you seriously were in 12 step programs for addiction and you think its okay that your boyfriend uses coke???

Oh snap! Didn't know the history... Op: Go to your own therapy and leave him to his depravity. Your sobriety is a lot more important than having a relationship with a cheating user. If you've been in any treatment program you'll have discussed codependency and enabling and you're deep in both. Work on your issues and leave him to his. He's not a good person for someone in recovery to be involved with.

They couldn't stay away from each other, yet you had no idea they slept together? Come on.

Step 13: Go to a place known to be a free-love and drug fest...and get pregnant while bf is doing coke and banging someone else in a neighboring tent.

you have been through AA and Narc-Anon -- you should be staying far away from anyone who uses. you seriously were in 12 step programs for addiction and you think its okay that your boyfriend uses coke???

Oh my god...I am so so sorry that you had to be with a man who is this low. That is easily one of the worst things a human being can do.

It's one thing to lie about how much he liked her, it's another to be on top of her mere feet from where you were.

Therapy can't save this. You need to save yourself and get away from him. He has little to no morals and if he's capable of doing something on this scale, he will definitely do similar again in the future.

This is not love, it's another form of addiction for you and you need to save yourself and get away from him.

While I can also be a romantic person - I do think it’s important to step back and look at things dispassionately sometimes.

Marriage is little more than a legal document that ties you both together and makes things more complicated if you want to leave. It doesn’t change the relationship. It just makes things more legally complicated.

That’s not to say I don’t believe in marriage - I do - there are tons of reasons to get married - but I think we all need to be wary of the “happily ever after” fairy tale that we are all fed as children. It’s not really like that. Marriage doesn’t “fix” a relationship.

This man is showing you who he is. He is showing you what he is capable of - and he was very bold about it too to do it in front of your face. It wasn’t a subtle sign, for sure.

I don’t think it’s wise to tie yourself legally to someone who is showing these signs and is capable of this. At least not anytime soon. And I think it would be wise to really consider how much you will ever be able to trust him - especially down the line every time when things are tough (which will happen).

In my opinion, to get through this, it would take years and therapy and a lot of work IF that were to even help. It’s no guarantee. Frankly, sometimes it’s easier to just blow things up and start fresh with someone new. In your shoes, that would be my choice.

This is a tricky situation... he seems so remorseful seems willing to make things work, which is a good sign. Does he still do coke. If they blame it on that but he still does it than it will most likely happen again

That voice inside you? The reason you can't concentrate or focus on anything? That's your subconscious screaming at you to get out. To treat yourself with more respect.

He will hurt you plenty worse if you stay.

You deserve better.