We live on opposite sides of the world, she's pregnant: do I marry her?

Hey all!

I'd just like to hear people's advice and perspectives on what is no doubt a very odd situation!

Met an incredible woman, she from Europe and I from the US, while we were both vacationing in Cuba. We really hit it off, but our time together ended much too soon. So, I did something completely crazy: instead of going home, I went back with her to Europe! I could only stick around four days because of work, but at least it allowed us to extend our time together.

Things went REALLY well and we already made plans (and I booked my plane ticket) to visit her again for the US Thanksgiving holiday in November. We've also remained in touch with one another via video chat every single day--for hours at a time--since I came home.

To both of our surprise, the short time I was there was long enough for her to get pregnant! We're both no longer young (not old, but not young), so her doctors recommended not getting too excited about the pregnancy until about three months in.

Even so, if it is meant to be, we're both excited for it! I didn't even realize that this was something I wanted until it happened, but since she told me yesterday, we've both been talking about the baby's future and brainstorming ideas for how to make this work. And she is an incredible human being, very thoughtful and caring. Even though we've only known each other for a couple of months, she would certainly be the type of person I'd want to mother my children.

We're not yet sure how we can make it work. Will she move here? Can I move there? But I know that we both want to make it work.

But I'm still not quite sure how to proceed from here. Should I propose? Should I wait until three months into the pregnancy (as the doctors recommended)? Maybe in November when I was planning on seeing her again anyway? Maybe take her somewhere special in December for Christmas/New Year?

By the way, she's asked that we not talk about this to anybody until at least three months in (when the doctors confirm that the pregnancy is all in order), so beyond this anonymous message on an Internet board, I haven't said anything. So, maybe it's better to wait until after she's ready to start talking to friends/families before I do anything?

In any case, I'm dizzily delirious with excitement! My head is certainly spinning. I'd be curious to hear what others think is my best course of action. All perspectives are very welcomed, no matter what yours might be. I'll learn a lot from hearing all sides.

Thank you!

DN

P.S. Testament to just how unusual my situation is, I had no idea which message board on eNotAlone to even put this in! Does it belong here in "Marriage/Long Term Relationships"? Relationship Advice? Long-Distance Relationships? Pregnancy? Dating Advice? Somewhere else? It's certainly unusual, but also an exciting opportunity with an amazing woman!

Congratulations!!

Yes, I think you should make a go of it.

While obviously I would never recommend the route of marrying someone you barely know and having a baby together... lol... the reality is that if you are going to have a baby together, you might as well be in the same place and try to make a go of it, if for no other reason than getting to know your child and have a relationship with them.

I would definitely recommend seeing a lawyer. It would be good to understand immigration law (is it possible to move and not marry right away? If you do marry, are there assets or protections you want to take?). It is always wise to be knowledgeable about your rights, responsibilities and obligations - whether or not you choose to act on them.

But really - this can either end up being a train smash or a happy ending. No way to know. But since you are having a baby anyways - yes - I would jump in full force (after being informed) and see what happens.

... but yeah, I think you should wait until the 3 months is up and use that time to talk to each other about it. She may or may not be ready for marriage.

Hey that's great! I think you should propose now. I know the pregnancy may not take, but to wait three months is to say you'd only marry her if there is a baby, and no baby means no marriage. If that's how you really feel, should you even do it? There is an engagement period, you know, of up to one year. In your case probably less than 9 months. I'd say make your intentions clear. And you need to start researching immigration and relocation.

How old is she?

How old is she?

40

(eNotAlone requires each post to be at least 10 characters. I am only writing this parenthetical to meet that requirement.)

40

 

(eNotAlone requires each post to be at least 10 characters. I am only writing this to meet that requirement.)

Yes. It is more precarious but many many women have had babies at 40. My grandmother had my mom when she was 40 and my mom was her first child.

My mother in law had my sister in law when she was 40.

I would say wait three months before getting super excited .

I would not propose unless

1) You are in person and in front of her.

2) You have talked about - without talking about marriage - if she would be happy/have prospects to be able to live in the US -- would she be able to come on her own merits or decide if you would have a job in her country. i hope she is visiting you in the US this time to see what your life is

3) You have to want to marry her whether things work out with the baby or not -- yes, you should not tell anyone else until you know the pregnancy is viable, but what if she miscarries in month 4 or 5?

Would you be happy that you proposed?

If people want to make things work, they can do it.

40

 

(eNotAlone would not let me respond to your message unless I responded with at least 10 characters. This parenthetical has nothing to do with the post, and is only being used to meet the 10-character requirement.)

To me, if she is pregnant at 40, I'd throw caution to the wind and if she wants to marry you and you want to marry her - I'd go for it. But i would also be cautious -- figure out the reality -- are you sure the baby is yours? Is she from a country where women are notorious for targetting men to get pregnant and come to America, like Russia. If she is England or Switzerland perhaps, i wouldn't think that would be as much the case....

Is she from a country where women are notorious for targetting men to get pregnant and come to America, like Russia. If she is England or Switzerland perhaps, i wouldn't think that would be as much the case....

I'm going to leave this vague just for privacy reasons. But I will say that she's NOT from Russia (or similar countries), and this isn't too big of a concern of mine. She has a very good job where she lives and a comfortable lifestyle.

Which, admittedly, is part of the reason why this makes everything a bit more challenging. Because she has a good life where she lives, and I have a good life where I live. For either of us to move isn't the simplest thing. But I'm hoping we'll figure it out, one day at a time...

Well, I would recommend that she have the baby in the US to get instant US citizenship and then the child can be naturalized in your girlfriend's home country to get dual citizenship.

But you really need to figure out this relationship whether the baby is born or not. Or the relationship will just eventually die out.

To me, if she is pregnant at 40, I'd throw caution to the wind and if she wants to marry you and you want to marry her - I'd go for it. But i would also be cautious -- figure out the reality -- are you sure the baby is yours? Is she from a country where women are notorious for targetting men to get pregnant and come to America, like Russia. If she is England or Switzerland perhaps, i wouldn't think that would be as much the case....

I was thinking the same thing as far as paternity. I got pregnant at 41 and had the baby at 42. First pregnancy. All was fine.

How do you know this baby is even yours? You dont. You are assuming it is yours. I think a paternity test is important and should be done as soon as possible. Do not marry this woman until after it is proven the baby is yours. I dont think you should marry her until you two have been together for a year or so, just to make sure you really are compatible. A whirlwind vacation doesnt necessarily mean you can marry and be together successfully.

Some pragmatic advice for you is go spend some time in her country and with her, her family, in her environment and get to know her better. Vacation is one thing, seeing a person in their actual surroundings is important. Spend as much time as you can, not just with each other but also her family and friends. Pay attention and check if you like them and get along. Remember that our friends are a very good reflection of who we are. I think you need to explore the country as well and see if you would like living there.

She also needs to come visit you and essentially do the same. Does she get along with your family, friends? Would she like living here?

Then you have to ask even more pragmatic questions like whose career/job/ financial situation can be more easily changed over. Consider also healthcare. If she is in EU, her healthcare is better than in the US, so bear that in mind as you go forward. It may make more sense for her to have the child over there and take advantage of the benefits there. Whoever talked about citizenship, it doesn't matter where the child is born as long as one parent is a US citizen, child can be claimed as US citizen if that's what you want. The child doesn't need to be born in the US for that.

All excitement aside, you basically need to start spending some serious time with each other that is more pragmatic than romantic and then start making some decisions about how to make this work, who will move, which country, etc.

I agree with the posters who said you should take caution.

You need to figure out whether or not you would have married her this quickly had a baby not come into the picture. To me, it doesn't make sense to jump into marriage with someone you wouldn't have just because there is now a baby on the way.

Also, you don't know what she wants or if she is ready to make a life time commitment. You need to sit down and talk about it first. Not online and not over a chat, actually have this talk in person and make sure she wants what you want in terms of marriage.

Even so, I would be very careful to marry before the baby is actually here.

I don't want to sound negative but it is true, OP you can't be 100% that this is your baby or what this woman's intentions are.

Things are far far too soon and gone too quickly to know for certain.

You need to slow down, get your head in a logical, rational place. Don't make decisions based on emotions.

Congratulations!!!

I'm going to give you the opposite advice to others and say..... If she's a genuine and caring woman marry her, because you have a far better chance of having a successful long term relationship, than if you married a local woman, and less chance of losing assets. Hopefully I can dispel the stereotype.

3 years ago I would have advised to be cautious getting involved with a foreign woman especially if she was from Russia (obviously in your case she's not). The stereotype we get fed in the media and on the internet are embedded in our western culture and was definitely in my mind.

That was until I met a Russian woman online (she was teaching me German). One thing lead to another and we have been dating for 2 years. It was a huge eye opener. Many Russian women live a life comparable or even better than us in the west, including myself in Australia. Clean modern cities, they live in modern apartments, drive modern cars, eat at KFC and MacDonalds, go bowling, ice skating, watch western produced movies and listen to the same songs. My Gf has 3 uni degrees, a luxury apartment, high paying job and some of the best family values I've ever experienced.

I've met many of her friends, some have married overseas and all I can say is they are some of the most honest, well educated and genuine women I've ever met. Sadly for them looking overseas is a necessity for many. Their culture makes getting married having kids a woman's main priority, like ours in the west is to get a good education and job. Women over 25 who aren't married often have a stigma attached to them and if your 30+ divorced and have kids in most cases you are destined to be be alone for the rest of your life, unless you marry an alcoholic or be a mistress. Once they hit 35-40 there are more women than men due to alcoholism and men dying early. My GF has stated that if a man is interested in a divorced woman, especially with children, his family often puts huge pressure on him to end the relationship. Most men won't take on another mans child. So strong is their need for a family she was willing to put up with physical abuse, alcoholism and cheating.... Luckily for me and her he left for a younger woman, like many men do.

The stereotype is completely wrong and backed up by statistics to show it's one of the safest paths to follow for a successful marriage. In fact all american / international marriages success rates are well above local marriage statistics. Russia seen to be a bad place to meet women is actually one of the most successful, due to their strong family values, especially with women who experienced soviet times.

"The United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) reports that “…marriages between American and Russian citizens would appear to have a lower divorce rate than the nation as a whole, fully 80 percent of these marriages having lasted over the years for which reports are available.”

I hope this changes a few peoples opinions as mine has.... and op if it doesn't work out take a trip to Russia, you won't regret it ; )

BTW, if there is any question that the baby is not yours -- don't encourage her to come to the US so the baby has "instant citizenship". The baby can be naturalized later on down the road because you are a citizen. If the baby is yours - she will have no problem having the baby in Europe. If its not yours and she is just out for the whole anchor baby thing -- she will absolutely insist on giving birth there. You are in love,, but are you sure there isn't anyone else?

If the baby is yours - she will have no problem having the baby in Europe.

Yes. She actually indicated proactively (I didn't bring it up) that she wants to have the baby in Europe. She commented that she has a very, very good doctor and she just feels more comfortable being in a health care system that she's known all her life.

Also, thank you to everybody who's commented! Both the romantics and the realists! All of your advice is very welcomed! Keep it coming!

Also, thank you to everybody who's commented! Both the romantics and the realists! All of your advice is very welcomed! Keep it coming!

Thank you, datingnovice! It's always appreciated when someone appreciates all sides and will listen to all sides without feeling it's criticism.

I hope whatever decision(s) you make, that's it the right ones for you and for this woman and baby.

I may have missed it, but how long did you actually spend time together? Days? Weeks? Months?

I may have missed it, but how long did you actually spend time together? Days? Weeks? Months?

In person, not very long at all. Perhaps ten days combined. About six days in Cuba on vacation. And then another four days in her hometown (which for her was "real life"/back in the office, but for me was still more or less vacation). I did meet some of her family and friends in both Cuba and her hometown. We all got along very well, and her family went out of their way to tell me that I'm family (even though both she and I got a bit nervous at the time and would later joke with each other about their presumptuousness).

In addition, we've been in contact daily since we met, but over video chat. Altogether, that's been about two months (and, of course, I realize that video chat is no surrogate for actually being together in person).

In person, not very long at all. Perhaps ten days combined.

Ok, so you spent a few DAYS together ......... and now you're thinking about marrying her?? OP, you really need to fully absorb what you're saying and what you plan on doing. Dare I be so bold as to say anyone who thinks of marrying someone they barely know, ... just a few days .... needs their head read. (Sorry).

How did you meet in Cuba? Was it on a tour? How is it that in these short few days you weren't using birth control and she just happened to get pregnant during this vacation/4 days in Europe? Why not wait until after your visit to see what the situation is. After all you've only known her a couple of mos and have only seen her once on this vacation. Time will tell what to do and how to go about it.

we were both vacationing in Cuba. We really hit it off, but our time together ended much too soon. instead of going home, I went back with her to Europe! I could only stick around four days. we already made plans (and I booked my plane ticket) to visit her again for the US Thanksgiving holiday in November. the short time I was there was long enough for her to get pregnant

Ok, so you spent a few DAYS together ......... and now you're thinking about marrying her?? OP, you really need to fully absorb what you're saying and what you plan on doing. Dare I be so bold as to say anyone who thinks of marrying someone they barely know, ... just a few days .... needs their head read. (Sorry).

I, unfortunately, tend to agree. Red flags are displayed everywhere here, on both sides. To be only excited about such news, even want to jump into marrying this stranger, is deeply concerning. If I discovered a new fling became pregnant (big question is how - both of you messed up birth control, but why?), had I been a man, I would go into this with a lot of caution. To see you are so eager to put your everything into someone you don't even know makes me believe you are either naive, or desperate. My apologies, I don't mean to offend, but this is screaming at me through what you've written here; this is not the makings of a lasting relationship, unless you slow it WAY down.

I know you wouldn't have considered marriage at this point (what sane person would?) if she was not pregnant. Children, more often than not, test a relationship than keep it together. You have no relationship history together to even know if it will survive this. There's not even a good foundation in place (no, meager days together/talking through something does not count) in order to serve as a pillar of support towards each other. Sure you like, maybe even feel like you love her but this is not love. This is blind infatuation. I recommend you progress this relationship naturally, while awaiting your expected child. It would be good to close in on the distance, but only if one of you wants a life in another country, regardless if you two stay together or not. Hence, if you two broke up at any point if you moved to her country, then you should have a plan in place. Would you be okay in all aspects to stay there? If not, would you be fine in leaving? One factor that stands out is sorting out your job situation, should you decide to move there, and back to your home country again if needed. Then your living situation.

Whatever you do, don't propose. However, if you end up doing so soon anyway (before a year together in person) and she accepts, then I would further question her judgement. This situation just does not sound good at all. It sounds like it's a built up fantasy, not a real life romantic connection between two people who are good for each other. It feels like a hail mary, coin toss involving three people's lives. I don't mean to be a negative Nancy, however you have a lot of factors against you.

P.S. Always use protection! You don't know her. Use it with her every time, no exceptions. Who knows if this is your child, or if she is actually pregnant. I wouldn't believe it until I see a pregnant belly or a doctor telling me she is. Until a paternity test is administered, who knows if it's even your child.

Agree...See what happens when you visit in a couple months. Do not get married until After the baby arrives (if there is one and if it's yours). You have plenty of time to think things through and verify things. Do not be rushed into anything especially since this pregnancy supposedly happened on a few days vacation and supposedly from you.

Why would she sleep with random strangers on vacation and then suddenly become pregnant from that? How do you know it's not from another vacationer or an encounter back home before or after your encounter with her? Have you been tested for stds since no protection was used?

Who knows if this is your child, or if she is actually pregnant. I wouldn't believe it until I see a pregnant belly or a doctor telling me she is. Until a paternity test is administered, who knows if it's even your child.

I have to agree I'm hovering between realist and romanticist on this. I'm sure you're right and she is a very lovely woman and is genuinely pregnant with your baby. But you cannot be 100% and you do need a DNA test before you progress and an STD test as you obviously didn't use protection. I'm sure this can work out for you and there's no harm in being a bit excited but please don't get ahead of yourself. Marriage can wait. It's not the 1950s anymore and baby or no baby this should be something that comes years down the line from now. I'd say go for this, you are both old enough to know what it is you want from another person but SLOW DOWN! Softly, softly and all that..