Feeling like a terrible mom.. Partner doesn't help

I just needed to vent. Ii have a baby under 1 and am pregnant with another due 2019 winter. My first is incredibly needy. He doesn't like being put down gets into everything now lol he is a hand full for sure. He also isn't a great sleeper.in the day he won't nap in his own bed so I lay him down in our bed for a nap. I usually just lay with him. Today I got up and was going downstairs to grab the monitor and put a few dishes away. Within moments of me getting down the stairs I hear a bump he fell out of the bed. I instantly rushed to him and was filled with guilt. I told my husband and he is saying he can't even talk to me right now and that I do not take care of our son etc. It really hurt because I was already feeling incredibly guilty. He is always critiquing my parenting and I know sometimes I do things wrong my son is very draining some days and won't settle or sit without me holding him. I don't get a lot of sleep while he does.

I am currently sick as a dog and woke up to our son crying very fevered. I said it was hot in the room and my husband would not let me crack a window he said its too cold for our son. I put the fan on and he took the fan out of the room then went and slept on the couch leaving me up sick with the baby so he could get his own rest. His job is nowhere near demanding that he can't lose one night if sleep.

I'm just at a breaking point I feel stressed to have another. He is very helpful compared to a lot of men but he can also be very rude I don't think it's fair he is always criticizing my parenting when I do the bulk of everything.

Well --- i don't agree you don't care of your child, but i can't fathom why you would have an infant on the bed alone -- if they are in a deep sleep and you are really going to be gone from the bed to grab the monitor, where were the pillows or bed rail?

I would get a playpen of some sort so you can put the baby somewhere safe to start to wean him off of being constantly held. If the baby is already getting around the house and getting into things -- they are old enough to self-soothe and if they need a mobile or music while they are in the playpen without you holding him - so be it. Or one of those play yard things. WHile you are home alone with the baby - can you get the baby used to not being constantly held?

Part of it is your husband not helping - but if the baby is "constantly needing to be held" is there really any opportunity to help? I have tried to relieve my sisters because they complain they can never take a shower, etc, and then they won't let anyone else hold the baby.

Also, do you ever go out anywhere - to the store, or coffee with a friend that would create a situation where he would have to stay with the baby?

His job is nowhere near demanding

If you are home with the baby, he needs to keep this job to support you all. No, he can't afford to miss work unless absolutely necessary. He is probably saving his daysoff for when baby #2 comes.

I suggest you sleep train your son and get him learned on how to self-sooth so that you can put him in his CRIB, walk away and he will play until he's ready to drift off.

Google "sleep training" and be prepared to hear him crying for the first couple of attempts. You have another one coming soon and you're going to have to have a schedule in place for your toddler so that you don't end up unable to cope. Tell your husband what you are going to be doing and if he takes the baby out of the crib then it will be him that stays up with him the rest of the night and stick to your guns.

You are the primary care giver and if he undermines your attempts to get a sleep schedule in place then he needs to be schooled by someone other then you... like your childs doctor for instance or your mother. Do you live close enough to your parents and have a good relationship with them that they would come and sit with you and help you not to cave when your little one balks at being put down to sleep on his own?

Your bf does not sound supportive at all. Do you have friends and family nearby? Can anyone help you with the child, pregnancy and if you are sick? Do not tell your bf about things, since he is critical and not helpful. Shift more responsibilities to him. You are going to have to anyway, if you can't afford babysitters. Don't "discuss it", just start doing it. Only cook, clean, laundry, shop, etc. for you and your child. Ask him to pick up things from the store.

Here is a link to what I was talking about in the post above, *Lala* Read it and educate yourself. You'll be glad you did

https://www.todaysparent.com/baby/baby-sleep/most-popular-sleep-training-methods-explained/

There are several other helpful sites on the subject if you just google "How to Sleep Train Your Baby."

Good luck... I hope he transitions easily for you.

Abut broken yes I know it is not safe. The Ed is really low and we normally put pillows around but now that he is more mobile I know I can't do it. He does have a playpen but for some reason during the days no matter where I try to put him he will wake shortly after lol. We need to work on it for sure.

I can't agree with you on one thing I think that he should be able to miss an hour of sleep if I am very ill to get up with the baby. Or at the very least not be so rude removing the fan from the room because he doesn't want me to put it on when I am very hot etc.. That kind of behavior is not acceptable to me. He stays up late and takes days off on his own accord, doesn't think he should answer to me and he also is not providing I'm sorry but I am the one who takes care of things even though I am on maternity leave. He does chip in but maybe if he was making big bucks and supporting us I would be less annoyed..

Om another more my son will go to others but we live in a different city from my family I usually take him once or twice a month to stay with my parents for a few days and he interacts with everyone and loves it he is a social baby for sure but he hates when I leave him anywhere to go do something alone lol. That is the biggest issue right now..

That was then thank you I will take a look at the link he goes into his bed for night time most nights I'm not sure why the days he won't but I am going to try to get a routine down before the new baby

Wiseman yes I know I shouldn't have told him he looks for anything I do with our son to nitpick. He says it's because he just wants the best for our kids and sure that's fine but he doesn't do anywhere near what I do and is just too judgemental I am getting scared after the past few days incidents how it will work with another child..sometimes I feel it is his criticism that drives me to insanity more than anything

Empathizing a bit with your husband, it's one thing for it to be a day dishes simply didn't get gotten to, or whatever errand couldn't be done... but making sure your baby isn't rolling off the bed and dropping 2 - 3 feet to the floor is pretty much the definition bare minimum. Obviously you can't go back in time, and I'm certain that's a mistake you won't repeat again, but it's just to stress that it could well be very frustrating for him to go to work not being able to rely on at least that not happening. I wouldn't kick yourself as there's no one who wins by you doing so, but I'd try to understand. There's likely and understandably a decent level of respect lost. That's just something that needs to roll over. As far as the job not being demanding goes, I don't know if you've worked his position and know as much yourself, but if not, I'd try to avoid that whole p1ssing contest altogether. It rarely works out well when either party tries to pull that.

I don't say it out of any lack of sympathy or respect for the difficulty that comes with taking care of a baby, but it's also pretty much an unsupervised job-- again, even if very difficult-- which puts the person who is out working a paid job and whose quality and production are being formally evaluated in an awkward position to just let things be regardless of any legitimate ****-ups centering around the stay-at-home's responsibilities or be the only person who can and, in their mind, perhaps should speak up about them. I don't know the extent or harshness to which he's criticizing your methods, or what methods he's criticizing, so obviously it could go either way, but I don't agree with the relatively common belief that it's intrinsically wrong to question or critique something the stay-at-home has handled. Just as, even if someone's the breadwinner and homemaking / caretaking isn't their primary job, I think it's fine to for the latter to provide input when reasonable, as I often enough see gloated about on facebook.

What I would do is consider some form of preemptive counseling prior to #2 entering the picture. I have no doubt there's a fair amount of resentment coming from both your ends, so it may be helpful if a mediator can find a way to contextualize your husband's and your situations for one-another. Again, no one wins by you kicking yourself or slipping into some perpetual sense of shame.

Your bf does not sound supportive at all. Do you have friends and family nearby? Can anyone help you with the child, pregnancy and if you are sick? Do not tell your bf about things, since he is critical and not helpful. Shift more responsibilities to him. You are going to have to anyway, if you can't afford babysitters. Don't "discuss it", just start doing it. Only cook, clean, laundry, shop, etc. for you and your child. Ask him to pick up things from the store.

Actually - i only partially agree. I would look for help for babysitting once in awhile so you can do other things. When i was a kid, my grandparents were in another state. Guess what. my parents occasionally went out to somewhere kids were not welcome and got a babysitter they were unrelated to. My siblings who have kids do the same. i suggest you start the process of searching for one or two. There are actives seniors who have raised their own kids, you could enlist a young teenager to be a "mother's helper" -- they are there to entertain baby #1 while you nap, catch up on housework, take a quick trip up the block. There are college students that are trustworthy. If you can't afford it -- even a once a month date is worth it for your marriage. But you may be able to find ways to trade off with people as the kids get older to take their kids for them to run to the store and then they take yours, or you help them bake 100 cookies for their meeting and in turn they watch your kids for a couple hours. You barter.

I WOULD ask him to pick something up on the way home. I would suggest doing date nights to reconnect to get to the point of talking again with no babies around- a novel idea. I would not be "aggressive" such as cooking when he comes home from work just for you and then turning the heat off the food and putting it away in front of him before he eats, doing the laundry but purposefully leaving his stuff out -- i mean either you do it, or he helps and he does it, but no passive aggressiveness. identify concretely what you want help with --- and then figure out how to farm it out or ask for help.

I don't understand. Are you on mat leave for your first child or on mat leave number two? What is the plan as far as how long you will not be working?

You don't seem to respect your husband by the way you talk about him. You say his work isn't that demanding and you do the bulk. And that he doesn't provide - how so? Are you paying for the bulk of all expenses while he works and you are on mat leave? I'm just not understanding your actual agreement as far as who contributed what as a couple?

I don't understand. Are you on mat leave for your first child or on mat leave number two? What is the plan as far as how long you will not be working?

 

You don't seem to respect your husband by the way you talk about him. You say his work isn't that demanding and you do the bulk. And that he doesn't provide - how so? Are you paying for the bulk of all expenses while he works and you are on mat leave? I'm just not understanding your actual agreement as far as who contributed what as a couple?

I'm not gonna go too into detail but we receive a great deal of support and help from family. He does not pay the bills. I use my money for me and my son and I also have a ton of savings whereas he has none. We alternate paying for certain things but he is no no way the provider although yes when I am home with baby two I won't get mat leave so he will have to help out more.

That was then thank you I will take a look at the link he goes into his bed for night time most nights I'm not sure why the days he won't but I am going to try to get a routine down before the new baby

I like Jman's suggestion of getting pre baby #2 counseling if you are still resenting him not helping out and the bickering continues over resentments you both may be feeling even after naps and routines are established.

I will say that it's very easy for people who do not have children to not understand just how tiring looking after a baby (never mind two of them) can be when you have no break from dawn until dusk and beyond. I babysit my two grandchildren for my daughter and son in law. She said she was happy to get back to work and "rest" after going back to work after mat leave (one year here in Canada) and caring for her 2 year old and new born (until one yr old). When they nap, it will give you a chance to regroup and refresh for round two. The oldest is now in full time kindergarten and his brother is almost three (and still naps for 2-1/2 to 3 hours every afternoon which is a huge break for me to be able to carry on)

Good luck and here's to an easy delivery!

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time and you are lucky to get a great deal of support and help from family -accept that help.

OK so first of all the baby needs to be in a crib or a playpen -please look up what are safe environments for a baby to sleep in or ask your pediatrician. I loved the Baby101 and Toddler101 books. Second, he is not "needy" -he is a baby -many babies want to be held constantly and get into everything and that's normal. He may seem "needy" but I wouldn't tell yourself you have a "needy" baby. He's just a baby. It also might help since you have support from family to take some parenting classes at the hospital. I am a busy mom too so sorry if this is short/abrupt -I do want to help and you can do this. Definitely rely on family right now -it takes a village. I didn't have that when I had a newborn and I'm glad you do!

I'm not gonna go too into detail but we receive a great deal of support and help from family. He does not pay the bills. I use my money for me and my son and I also have a ton of savings whereas he has none. We alternate paying for certain things but he is no no way the provider although yes when I am home with baby two I won't get mat leave so he will have to help out more.

Do you mean financial support? Just trying to get it straight. Who's family or both?

Are you 100% sure he is on board with working more so that you may stay at home with baby number two and no mat leave? You didn't mention how long you intend to be at home for as full time care giver?

OP, I'm so so sorry this happened and that you are not receiving much support here or at home. You don't need a bunch of strangers telling you that you screwed up - you know you made a mistake and ANY parent who claims they have never made a mistake is lying. Being a first time parent is HARD. So no judgement whatsoever here.

When my daughter was 2 months old, she fell off a table while strapped into her car seat. I clearly knew better than to set the seat on a table but I was so sleep deprived that it only took ONE second where I had a lapse and my daughter fell. I took her to the ER right away and thankfully she was fine but I was a wreck and convinced I was an awful mom because I had done something clearly unsafe and she had fallen.

Accidents happen. Mistakes happen. It only takes a second and it doesn't mean you're a bad parent. It sounds like you're pretty sick and if you aren't getting help from your partner AND you're pregnant then I'm frankly surprised you're still walking upright.

As for your partner, he needs to and help you. There's no excuse for not pulling his weight or making you feel bad for a mistake when he's not helping as it is. When I was on mat leave my husband was working and he STILL got up in the middle of the night to help me even though I was nursing and he could really only be there for moral support. He did all the house work and gave me nights to myself as well as helping with her whenever I asked.

You need to tell him he's a parent and not a babysitter.

All the love and support from me.

OP, I'm so so sorry this happened and that you are not receiving much support here or at home. You don't need a bunch of strangers telling you that you screwed up - you know you made a mistake and ANY parent who claims they have never made a mistake is lying. Being a first time parent is HARD. So no judgement whatsoever here.

 

When my daughter was 2 months old, she fell off a table while strapped into her car seat. I clearly knew better than to set the seat on a table but I was so sleep deprived that it only took ONE second where I had a lapse and my daughter fell. I took her to the ER right away and thankfully she was fine but I was a wreck and convinced I was an awful mom because I had done something clearly unsafe and she had fallen.

 

Accidents happen. Mistakes happen. It only takes a second and it doesn't mean you're a bad parent. It sounds like you're pretty sick and if you aren't getting help from your partner AND you're pregnant then I'm frankly surprised you're still walking upright.

 

As for your partner, he needs to and help you. There's no excuse for not pulling his weight or making you feel bad for a mistake when he's not helping as it is. When I was on mat leave my husband was working and he STILL got up in the middle of the night to help me even though I was nursing and he could really only be there for moral support. He did all the house work and gave me nights to myself as well as helping with her whenever I asked.

 

You need to tell him he's a parent and not a babysitter.

 

All the love and support from me.

With all respect I think this situation is different. It's one thing to be changing a baby on a bed let's say- turn your head for one second with no hand on the baby and the baby rolls off the bed. From what I understand this child's regular sleeping arrangement is unsafe. And although the baby is probably past the true danger zone of SIDS, soft bedding is never a great idea even if it's pillows on the floor. Having a crib or playpen with a flat mattress preferably is pretty standard for a baby. And she's having another one so she'll need a safe sleeping environment for that baby too. If it's a mistake, it's not just a momentary lapse in judgment it's a decision that was made that is unsafe and means the baby is unsafe every time she is put to sleep in that way. And no I am not here to bash the mom. i am concerned that if the baby gets really hurt in that kind of environment it can start to look bad for the mom should the baby need medical care, etc.

Thank you everyone for your advice.

Batya33 I am aware of sleep safety my son sleeps in a pack and play he slept in a bassinet prior. What I was saying was that during the day he won't go down for naps so I either hold him or I will lay him down beside me on the bed and go on my phone etc I am right there with him and it's not for long periods. There are no loose blankets and I deem it fine. When he goes down at night he is in his own bed no blankets or pillows etc...

The situation happened because I stepped away for a minute certain he was In a deep sleep. I literally ran to go do what I had to do and have no idea how he went from sleeping to awake and on the floor in moments. I also had placed a pillow as a barrier.

I understand now that I cannot leave him unattended for even a moment. Yes it was a lapse in judgment and a big mistake.

Also the bed is not elevated off the ground so the fall was less than one foot.

First of all...you're not a bad mom, okay? We all have made mistakes. We all learn the lessons, hopefully you will be a bit more cautious about leaving a baby on it's own. (Well any small child).

But I know you didn't mean it and you're running on little sleep. Pregnancy in itself can be very draining.

Take a deep breath, move forward now.

Secondly, both you and your husband have your own demands and stresses. Being an at home mom is tough, tougher than most people realize! It makes sense how you're feeling stressed and over worked, tired etc.

But you are doing a great job and obviously care very much if you made this thread.

Your husband has the demands too it can be stressful to get used to a new family and all the extra demands.

Little ones are a gift and are one of the most wonderful joys in this life, but they can add extra stress whether it's a new mom or dad.

Find ways to work together and not against one another.

Try to find ways to keep the connection with your husband, don't blame one another and see if you can express yourselves to one another in more helpful ways so you both understand where you're coming from.

Empathize with each other, take care and support each other.

No, it's not an easy go, some days you feel like tossing the towel in. But keep moving forward and focusing on the family aspect and the love.

The world is full of conflicting ideas on parenting and a lot armchair parenting. You are as much the parent as your bf. You are not the nanny or baby sitter who was negligent on purpose. And your bf should not be scolding like you're a child or the help. He has no right to wag his finger at you.

In fact this arrogant approach rather then trying to help out, understand your panic and distress about it or come up with useful suggestions indicates that you should be cutting back severely on things you do for him.

When you are home with your children, focus on that. Do what is best for the child, not your arrogant bf, since all he cares about is his comfort and sound sleep, not you or your son. If that means attending to a fever or going to the doctor or whatever. Just do it. Children can get hurt in the blink of an eye. Suddenly everyone wants to scream bloody murder.

Thank you everyone for your advice.

 

Batya33 I am aware of sleep safety my son sleeps in a pack and play he slept in a bassinet prior. What I was saying was that during the day he won't go down for naps so I either hold him or I will lay him down beside me on the bed and go on my phone etc I am right there with him and it's not for long periods. There are no loose blankets and I deem it fine. When he goes down at night he is in his own bed no blankets or pillows etc...

 

The situation happened because I stepped away for a minute certain he was In a deep sleep. I literally ran to go do what I had to do and have no idea how he went from sleeping to awake and on the floor in moments. I also had placed a pillow as a barrier.

 

I understand now that I cannot leave him unattended for even a moment. Yes it was a lapse in judgment and a big mistake.

 

Also the bed is not elevated off the ground so the fall was less than one foot.

Right - so I understand it's more of the leaving for a minute (falling more than his height is a more serious issue from what I understand). My husband didn't know that he had to keep one hand on our infant at all times while changing his diaper on our bed. Nothing happened -I convinced him -but he didn't know. I'm glad he sleeps at night in a safe environment. My son stopped napping in the crib at age 2 and I discovered he'd sleep if I pushed him in the stroller. Then I could stop pushing once he was asleep . Just a thought of an alternative (and good exercise for you!). Sorry I misunderstood what the problem was with the baby falling.

My two boys have fallen off our bed tons of times. Don't beat yourself up. Those suckers roll around! I remember my 2nd crawling off the bed at 5 months! I had thought he'd be like my 1st kid, and crawl at 7 months!

One, try baby wearing...I'm a big fan of Tula Baby Carriers. It will give you back hands when you put them on your back, and help them nap.

Two, if your hubs doesn't get up...push him off the bed till he does. Don't give up. I don't care how much he works...he's your kid (s) dad too. I run and own two companies, and for the most part have been the lion's share of income over the years, and I still take care of our kids when we are home, cook, clean, etc. So give him a list of things he needs to start doing, and that is that.

Three, don't do his laundry anymore. You are not a maid. You are his wife, and mother of his child (children).

My two boys have fallen off our bed tons of times. Don't beat yourself up. Those suckers roll around! I remember my 2nd crawling off the bed at 5 months! I had thought he'd be like my 1st kid, and crawl at 7 months!

 

One, try baby wearing...I'm a big fan of Tula Baby Carriers. It will give you back hands when you put them on your back, and help them nap.

 

Two, if your hubs doesn't get up...push him off the bed till he does. Don't give up. I don't care how much he works...he's your kid (s) dad too. I run and own two companies, and for the most part have been the lion's share of income over the years, and I still take care of our kids when we are home, cook, clean, etc. So give him a list of things he needs to start doing, and that is that.

 

Three, don't do his laundry anymore. You are not a maid. You are his wife, and mother of his child (children).

I think if the parent who works full time in a full time/full time caregiver situation works 9 to 5 and/or needs to be awake and alert for work then the parent at home should be getting up far far more of the time. Not because that parent can "sleep when the baby sleeps" (yeah, right) but because to me anyway that is fair. That is how we did it other than in the very beginning because in the first 2 weeks my husband was on leave. So then we kind of divided it up because I am a morning person and he is a night person. I wanted things that way as much as he did because I needed him to be able to do his job and sleep deprivation can really impede that. These days, I work part time and he works full time. Depending on what is going on we take turns -meaning when our child is sick/has a nightmare. Case by case basis. Yes he is the father of course and yes to me it is unfair to require a full time working parent to get up as much as the parent working full time as a caregiver. And many full time working parents also work nights and weekends (true in our case).

So OP I would make sure he is helping and be mindful of his job requirements too. Also sounds like you have family help.

As far as housekeeping if you can hire someone to help even twice a month. If not do his laundry if you can/if you have time but I see your role, personally, as caring for your baby and cleaning is secondary especially if it's not related to the baby. (i.e. yes you should spot clean if the baby spits up, makes a mess - when you can manage to do it).

Ideally a family would support each other. It sounds like they don't do that for each other. OP even said 'my money, my son'. She put down men - 'he does more than most men but not enough'. She seems to treat her and children as a unit and dad is just to go along with whatever she deems appropriate. I wonder if the bills are paid by her family- she won't say.

She also didn't say what the agreement actually is and what he wants. 'He'll have to help more when I'm off with no mat'. Did he agree that is best? Maybe he wants more of a real role in parenting.

And not leaving a baby unattended is just basic. Basic basic .

Ideally a family would support each other. It sounds like they don't do that for each other. OP even said 'my money, my son'. She put down men - 'he does more than most men but not enough'. She seems to treat her and children as a unit and dad is just to go along with whatever she deems appropriate. I wonder if the bills are paid by her family- she won't say.

She also didn't say what the agreement actually is and what he wants. 'He'll have to help more when I'm off with no mat'. Did he agree that is best? Maybe he wants more of a real role in parenting.

 

And not leaving a baby unattended is just basic. Basic basic .

Yes, support and I think a real takeaway is that individual families view that differently but bottom line both should feel reasonably supported and like their system is fair -and in turn -JMHO -that requires good communication because parenting is unpredictable, the time things take is unpredictable and part of the "system" has to be that you both get the system can fall apart.

And yes on an unattended baby and I take the point that there are those "I turned my head for a second" times and when you were sure you strapped him in the high chair but the strap was loose or not strapped (luckily never to me but I could see a sleep deprived person thinking she did). To me that's different than choosing an unsafe sleeping space which the OP clarified she did NOT do.

And yes it's also true that if the husband is not really into being involved and the wife has a baby and is pregnant it's not always easy to communicate without losing it or keep it in and feel resentful. Sometimes my husband just did NOT get it. I wanted to lose it (like a 14 hour day with a baby, he finally comes home but then takes a non-important call and won't multitask by changing a diaper or holding the baby -yes those 15 minutes are like an eternity at that time). Just balance it though OP. Like Itsallgrand wrote get down to what is on your wish list -do you really want him to be an involved parent where you have to cede control and let him do things his way and also let him have fun and be silly in his way with the baby? Or do you want him mostly to do the grunt work/tedious work when he comes home from work whether involving house or baby? What you want will show in the energy you let out. And yes get as much help from family as possible right now. You are so so fortunate (I had none of that as mentioned, they couldn't help us).