Obsessing about failed Friends With Benefits situation

[WhyObsessing]

Hello and thank you for your attention.

I'm a 38yo guy and I started a Friend-with-benefits kind of relationship with another guy I met at work (though we don't share a space or see each other everyday). I'm openly and happily gay, he is straight and was having his first male experience with me. It went perfect for two years, with casual hook ups, normal friendship level of messaging and contacting, and well, just great, nobody getting hurt or developing any complicated feelings. I really didn't like him that much, in the sense of liking him as a boyfriend or anything. The sex was nice, He just isn't what I would look for in a real couple. There wasn't any powerful connection or chemistry between us beyond the sex.

The thing is that, suddenly, upon discovering that he was interested in hooking up with another guy from work -so I wasn't anymore the 'first and only man' he liked-, I started obsessing about that thought in bursts of jealousy that I couldn't control. I didn't act badly on them or anything because I could see they were wrong and unfair feelings, though I shared my thoughts with him. At the same time I also sensed a diminished interest in me from him, texting much less and not talking about meeting or hooking up anymore. But when I asked him if anything had changed or if he wanted to change it, He just couldn't seem to give me an explanation about it, almost denying that anything was wrong, though his loss of interest in having sex with me was obvious. So basically my FWB showed interest in someone else and reduced his interest in me. The oldest story in the book, I know, but the real problem is the exaggerated feelings this has ignited in me.

I feel sick at the idea of him having sex with another guy, and can't stand that he doesn't text or treat me as he did before. I don't even know if they are actually having sex, nor should I care or ask, but just the idea makes me suffer in a way that I myself know is absurd. I ended up asking for some space and we haven't contacted each other in two months. Still, after all this time, I obsess and ruminate at those feelings. Knowing they are irrational, selfish and absurd makes it worse, because I don't feel entitled to feel them and yet, there they are. It's not that I want him back, or want to be his boyfriend or anything, I really don't. So I'm really puzzled of giving this much thought, energy and pain to a situation I know doesn't deserve it. And all for a guy I didn't liked that much in the first place! Don't get me wrong, he is a nice guy, just not someone I liked in any deeper level. Can casual rejection really affect someone this much?

I can't talk with anyone about this to protect his privacy, we have friends in common and he doesn't want anybody to know about a gay affair of his, so I'd be grateful to hear any opinion about what can I do to get over this absurd and illogical situation and feelings. Thanks.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. This is an unfortunate consequence of agreeing to be someone's sexual experiment.

I'm openly and happily gay, he is straight and was having his first male experience with me. I feel sick at the idea of him having sex with another guy, and can't stand that he doesn't text or treat me as he did before.

[DanZee]

Well, this is why people on ENA caution about a FWB relationship. Feelings always develop. So although your mind is telling you all these things, emotionally you're still getting jealous that your boyfriend is seeing someone else. Perhaps you need to get into a real relationship and connect with someone, so you're not focused on this one guy. I think you're ready for that. You've basically been in a relationship although you've been in denial about it. I think you need to go out on some real dates and move on.

[ThatwasThen]

This isn't about "feelings" this is about possessory rights and your perceived rights to him being trespassed upon. Its about being King of the castle and then being demoted to Knave... your ego has been burnt. Tell your inner pride to simmer down and get on with viewing him as someone you'd never have a relationship with again. Easy come, easy go.

[Jibralta]

I think it's just your ego getting bruised. Might help to vent freely about your feelings (no matter how ridiculous) in a journal, or on here. Just let some of the pressure off.

[WhyObsessing]

Thank you all for your feedback, just having external views to all of this helps me a lot. This guy and I made the promise to keep things secret and I am honoring that promise, so I haven't been able to speak about this with anybody. Maybe that's another reason why things are getting kind of out of proportion in my mind, because I only have myself to go through the same feelings and thoughts again and again. It's exhausting.

What you all say is understandable, it's not difficult for me to see that and intellectualize everything, even my own wrong feelings and such, why I don't get is why that's not enough to control the stomach-driven emotions and feelings that are hurting me.

"Your ego has been burnt" - ThatwasThen.

I wasn't very familiar with the concept of ego, but I've been going through the message boards and it has been enlightening to see what the ego is, and how it can take control over us. I really don't feel less of me because of this rejection outside these particular relationship, but maybe my ego is really bruised and, as this is kind of a new thing for me, I don't know how to deal with it. I keep telling myself that I didn't like him that much (which is true, I thought exactly the same before the rejection), but it doesn't seem to make things better.

" Might help to vent freely about your feelings (no matter how ridiculous) in a journal, or on here. Just let some of the pressure off" - Jibralta.

Thank you, Jibralta. That's what I came here. Not being able to talk to anyone was making me feel powerless to confront these feelings and making sense of them, just repeating the same thought cycle in my mind over and over, day after day. Identifying as an ego problem kind of makes me see clearly that I am the one who has to deal with this, and learn about how things affect me.

Do you think keeping no contact with the guy is the way to go? We haven't talked in two months because I felt like granting myself this space and time to sort things out without the other guy's interference was going to be easier for me, but I don't want to look like a jerk or that I'm exaggerating things by not casually reaching out to him. Knowing as I know that I am overreacting, shouldn't I try to stop all this and go back to normal -which I honestly don't feel prepared to? (For example, I know that if he casually mentions he's in fact sleeping with the other coworker, that's going to hurt). I went no contact by telling him that I needed space and time because I felt I wasn't dealing correctly with what has happening, and he accepted it, so we both know why we are not speaking, there's no room for misunderstanding there.

Thanks again.

[Jibralta]

We haven't talked in two months because I felt like granting myself this space and time to sort things out without the other guy's interference was going to be easier for me, but I don't want to look like a jerk or that I'm exaggerating things by not casually reaching out to him.

If this is making you feel better, then keep doing it. You're not harming him by not reaching out.

Knowing as I know that I am overreacting, shouldn't I try to stop all this and go back to normal -which I honestly don't feel prepared to? (For example, I know that if he casually mentions he's in fact sleeping with the other coworker, that's going to hurt).

Don't worry so much about what you "look like." That's ego again. If you let it continue to rear its ugly head, it will be a long time before you start to feel better.

However you're feeling, you "look like" a normal human being experiencing normal emotions. And you're not harming anyone by going through that.

I went no contact by telling him that I needed space and time because I felt I wasn't dealing correctly with what has happening, and he accepted it, so we both know why we are not speaking, there's no room for misunderstanding there.

It's probably helpful to both of you that you communicated to him about these things, but you're not obligated to make sure that he understands or accepts the way that you feel. Your feelings and actions are not subject to his approval.

[WhyObsessing]

Thank you, Jibralta, your input is very much appreciated.

I will keep no contact then, I really feel like talking with him again right now wouldn't make things easier for me. I don't have anything left to tell him and I also don't feel like anything he would tell me would serve me any purpose. We don't owe each other anything, so I'll try to deal with this on my own, hope I can sort things out with some perspective.

If I can overcome this bad feelings and hurt, I'll try to go back to normal with him then.

[WhyObsessing]

Hello again. I'm coming back to the thread because three days ago my ex-FWB texted me with a casual excuse, but we ended talking about our relationship again. It has been the first contact since I decided to go No Contact three months ago. He told me that he needed to text me because he never expected that the no contact thing was going to last this much and that I really wasn't going to contact him anymore. He said that he has thought of texting me many times in this period of time but didn't do it out of respect to my original petition of time and space. He admitted to having act badly and expressed remorse in his past actions and how he wasn't clear and honest regarding his interest in the other guy, and also said that he would really like to meet with me again and have one conversation to talk about many things that weren't said before the break and some that my have happened afterwards. It makes him sad to think that we are not going to remain friends after all.

I responded to him in a friendly way but also stated that all this had been difficult to me and I wasn't sure if seeing each other again or start normal contact again was the best for me or something that I wanted. It made him sad but he said he would respect that decision and "wait all the time in the world" for the moment I was prepared to do it, that he's going to be there if I ever want to be friends again. We didn't mention anything about what happened with that other guy he may have been seeing (I still haven't got any confirmation of what happened between them) or what are those things he would have liked to share with me (my first bet is that it may have something to do with the secret we shared, the fact that he is discovering he likes men after 30 years of living as straight, but I'm not sure).

Right now I don't know what to do. He sounded sincere, honest, a little bit hurt and vulnerable, and he also showed remorse, no pride at all and was willing to accept any outcome on my part. We ended this text conversation with an open invitation to meet on his part and an "I need to think about it" on mine. Since the texts, I'm again thinking 24/7 about what should I do. I want to be kind and feel bad for not granting a conversation to someone who is respectfully asking for it, but I don't want to get hurt/obsessed again, because I am not over all this situation yet. Though No Contact has done me some good, the obsession hasn't really gone away and sometimes I think is precisely because not acting normal and the effort of taking him out of my mind is only making this thing bigger.

Any thoughts on why he might be doing this? What should I do?

[Jibralta]

Speaking from experience, a leopard doesn't change his spots.

If this guy really cared about your feelings, he would have cared about them months ago. My guess is that he's hit a dry spell and suddenly your feelings are important again.

Also speaking from experience, I wouldn't worry too much about not giving him a chance. I highly doubt he is feeling vulnerable or remorseful. And this is no reflection on you.

There are people in the world who literally care only about themselves and feel no responsibility towards other people. They will never change. They can't, and probably wouldn't want to anyway. This is difficult to understand if you are not wired like them, but they understand you perfectly. They recognize that you feel guilt, and they manipulate you that way.

Seriously, walk on.