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Thread: Physical Violence Provocation??

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    When someone is verbally provoking you, you have a choice to walk away, leave the room, leave the house and most importantly, leave the abusive relationship. When you stay to fight, you are escalating an already charged situation, when you lose control and physically lash out - you've already made a series of conscious bad choices each increasingly escalating toward violence. You're making conscious deliberate choices that you and only you are in control of. It's not an opinion or a point of view that physical violence is never justified - it's a fact.

    Also, if you find yourself struggling to react calmly or to walk away or otherwise find yourself having angry or having violent reactions and otherwise feel like you are easily provoked into that, it's on you to take responsibility for your emotions and to seek help. Meaning be single and work hard on learning how to gain control and cope with your emotions. Coping skills are learned and when you've learned badly or haven't learned at all, it's on you to do what it takes to learn better.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Centain1988
    I am aware of the widely accepted views regarding domestic violence, that there is never an excuse for physical violence. That the physically aggressive partner is completely to blame for their violent behaviour, and the suggestion that they were ‘provoked’ by verbal/emotional (non-physical) abuse from their spouse, is not even a possibility worth considering. The partner who becomes physically aggressive is always the abusive one and the other partner is always the innocent victim? Surely there are exceptions to this? As much as we constantly receive messages that DV is never the result of ‘provocation’, I find it a bit hard to believe. Every single case of physical partner violence that has ever occured anywhere has not been the result of verbal/emotional provocation from a partner?? What do other people think about this?
    I've dealt with a lot of nasty people and never felt the need to slap or hit them. I argued or walked away. That is how it is handled.

    The only time I've resorted to physical violence is when someone physically attacked me.

    There is never any excuse to physically attack someone who has not laid hands on you.

  3. #13
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    I've dealt with a lot of nasty people and never felt the need to slap or hit them. I argued or walked away. That is how it is handled.

    The only time I've resorted to physical violence is when someone physically attacked me.

    There is never any excuse to physically attack someone who has not laid hands on you.
    Absolutely, the only reason to hit back is fighting for your own life. Other than that take the walk.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
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    There's never an excuse. Never. I would never hit my husband no matter how angry and ditto for him. Violence is never acceptable

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  6. #15
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    Putting self-defense aside (which is fine as needed) then yes -you have to walk away/get away, do breathing/go into your zone if you cannot leave right then (i.e. you're in a car, you have to stay to care for a child, etc). I have actually said to my child when he pushes my buttons that I am going to give myself a time out so I can calm down. And I do. In advance of those kinds of situations find go to mantras, rituals, things you can do to calm yourself down -actually plan it. Because if you are provoked you're of course going to want to act on impulse and then you can stop (so important, just stop) and pick from what can work then. And practice it when things are annoying but not provoked. So for example today I listened with earbuds to the radio in the car as my husband drove us home from an activity. My son and I were sitting in the back, he was happy, there was traffic and I knew I was cranky and needed decompressing time/space. But you have to know yourself and know how to calm yourself down and also be attune to how you're feeling before it escalates. Sometimes what your partner says might hit you harder because you're already stressed out.

    And yes if your partner regularly pushes your buttons then when it's calm have a talk about how that makes you feel and ask if she can communicate differently (or consider counseling). You can tell her how angry/stressed it makes you and see what she says.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Centain1988
    The partner who becomes physically aggressive is always the abusive one and the other partner is always the innocent victim? Surely there are exceptions to this?
    Oh, c'mOn. The one who becomes physical had the ability to walk away long before reaching for that.

    All relationships being voluntary, when you're in a bad one, leave. Otherwise, you can ponder your best justifications from a jail cell.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I will be the first to admit my ex and I had some knock down drag out arguments and pushed one another’s buttons like no other.

    His abuse in my eyes was always his way of ‘winning’ if that makes sense. It was you pissed me off so much I am going to put you back into your place.

    They say even parents who hit do so because they’re lacking the skills needed to properly control the situation, and this is with little humans.

    So no, there really is no excuse. The violence is about asserting power over another person and it’s never ok. You end a volitile situation by walking away, not by punching someone in the face.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    I will be the first to admit my ex and I had some knock down drag out arguments and pushed one another’s buttons like no other.

    His abuse in my eyes was always his way of ‘winning’ if that makes sense. It was you pissed me off so much I am going to put you back into your place.

    They say even parents who hit do so because they’re lacking the skills needed to properly control the situation, and this is with little humans.

    So no, there really is no excuse. The violence is about asserting power over another person and it’s never ok. You end a volitile situation by walking away, not by punching someone in the face.
    We do not use physical discipline ever. And I know of parents who believe that it is the "only way" not because they lack skills - to me that's a problem in poor education/not looking into the potential ramifications of physical discipline as opposed to losing control. I've witnessed both.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yes, is this simply for purposes of argument or debate?
    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    I am assuming this thread is about your own story. If not, please give us more information on what exactly this is about.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    It's rarely so clear cut as one monster and one innocent victim. Most domestic violence happens within groups of people who are stuck in the cycle of violence.
    This does not take responsibility away at all from one who commits assault. It's simply to say, it's usually more complex. The cycle of violence breeds and perpetuates itself in a rich soup of many unhealthy choices.

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