This is the real me

I broke down tonight. These are texts I sent my friend. I need to share this-

I just mean that all the weight I threw on you, was just sprinkles. It was never like this. This made me think I took advantage of you. Which in part I did. My whole problem was I’d distance myself from everything but I would talk to you. And when I was fine we wouldn’t talk for months. For that I am so sorry. I was selfish. And maybe I’m being selfish now. I’m very confused but I want you to know I love you. You’ll always be a big part of my life.

I know our paths have taken us to different places and through different things but you’ll be one of my closest people.

I’m really trying to turn the tide. I told myself I’d quit smoking and drinking, sell my bikes and do a 180. I think I don’t have to give up my joys but to pay more attention to the people around me more. To say this to my parents and my friends and people I meet because this is who I am. I’m emotionally damaged and my possessions don’t define me. They hide me.

I should quit smoking and drinking for my health but I want to take baby steps. I’m smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer right now. I traded in two bikes for one. In two weeks I’ll be working somewhere totally new. I don’t know my future but I want the people I love to know they aren’t just a crutch. These are all just words after all these years but that’s the most important change im trying to accomplish.

I know I’m not a bad guy. But I feel the way I’ve acted never really made people care. And I never knew how to show it because I was afraid of them thinking I’m an idiot.

“Idiot”

I know some people weren’t good for me. I don’t dwell on them. But I found myself looking for “imperfections” so I can convince myself that there is no reason to open up. Things like “their breath is bad in the morning, they’re too skinny, they’re too thick for me, they’re friends are weird.” The reality was I was a fool who wanted an out before I gave them a chance. And my out was more shoes, more cars, more possessions. I’d have an excuse to be away from them even though I deep down knew that the would essentially give me happiness.

You know I cheated on ***** in my dreams. I’ve had dreams where I knew it was a dream but I’d kiss another girl knowing it was a dream. She didn’t know and she’ll never know. But the point is even though I “never abused them” I hurt hurt them because they were real and they made me happy and earned for my love. I just didn’t know that it was my insecurities that always convinced me I had an “out.”

That’s what I’m trying to change. I felt like I was never good enough. Not them.

I never thought I’d share that. And I feel like a . I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m sorry. I meant it when I said I love you I hope I don’t lose you.

I’ve never had a real heartbreak. I’ve had a loss of a void.

And now I realize how many hearts I’ve broken.

If you don’t talk to me anymore I understand just know I am deeply sorry. It’s not the urge to quit smoking that I’m trying to change, it’s the urge to give in to my insecurities.

All I’m saying is I need to stop caring what others think of me and help others. Be it strangers, my family, my friends, my partner, or my kids.

I don’t have kids but it’s the same idea.

F*** lol. If I had kids....

Now that you have sent it, you got it off your chest. Hopefully that has given you some sense of relief, and maybe some clarity.

Some of your self improvement plan is mentioned there - so stick to it and start showing it to them, they don't need to hear about it again.

Have you ever read Zen and the art of motor cycle maintenance? It is a great guide to finding inner peace.

Your head seems to be a chaos zone right now, but as Littlefinger said in GoT - "Chaos is a ladder".

Keep on climbing. Take it a rung at a time - set yourself achievable goals.

You are hurting now, but if you stick to your plan, over time things will get better.

Now that you have sent it, you got it off your chest. Hopefully that has given you some sense of relief, and maybe some clarity.

 

Some of your self improvement plan is mentioned there - so stick to it and start showing it to them, they don't need to hear about it again.

 

Have you ever read Zen and the art of motor cycle maintenance? It is a great guide to finding inner peace.

 

Your head seems to be a chaos zone right now, but as Littlefinger said in GoT - "Chaos is a ladder".

 

Keep on climbing. Take it a rung at a time - set yourself achievable goals.

 

You are hurting now, but if you stick to your plan, over time things will get better.

That was to my friend. Not my ex. If I said that to her, I’d feel more than a selfish price of trash than I already do. There’s no rewinding what I did to her because I’ve done that to everyone before her. I’m not upset about her, as much as I’m upset of the path I’ve been on.

There are plenty of fish in the sea, but how I’ve fished, has got to change.

Time is your ally here.

As long as you work on yourself, for yourself, time will also do its work.

Take it one day at a time. Forget about the destination. Immerse yourself in the journey.

Time is your ally here.

 

As long as you work on yourself, for yourself, time will also do its work.

 

Take it one day at a time. Forget about the destination. Immerse yourself in the journey.

Thank you so much. I’m working on it.

You've said it - but now you have to follow through. Say it with your actions now. And if you're having a hard time, you know where to come!