Just found out my ex is officially dating the guy who broke us up. What now?

So if you look back at my post history, you'll see the history of what happened with between my ex and I. But essentially, we were dating for a year, were good friends before that, and had a very healthy and strong relationship. This summer once school ended we ended up doing distance. Things were fine for a while until she started becoming too close to a coworker of hers. The rest of the summer after that was a bunch of confusion and harships between us over her confusion for her feelings for this guy. She even broke up with me because of him temporarily before begging me to take her back cause she realized what a mistake she was making and how she would never falter again. She almost was back to normal after that but she "got confused" again a month later once her coworker laid out all his feelings on the table for her.

Eventually she broke up with me for good, saying how she had time to think about things and how she needed to be alone now, as her feelings for her coworker came about in the first place because of insecurties she had with herself and with being alone when I wasn't around. She said she wasn't going to pursue anything with him and I really believed her and thought that she was making the mature call, because she did have some things she needed to work on before she could enter another relationship or try again with me.

But low and behold, I found out just recently that she is now officially dating the guy. I found out by accident and it looks like she is making efforts to hide it. But now, all I feel towards her is contempt and anger. After everything that happened, I never once lashed out at her and respected her wishes and tried to be understanding of her situation. But now, I feel like I really want to give her a piece of mind, but I know I probably shouldn't.

It's just that, she lied to me, over and over, when she insisted that he was just a friend, that she didn't feel anything towards him, how when she was breaking up with me for the final time she said she didn't see a future with him and wasn't going to pursue him, how she "needed time" to be alone. Everything has been a lie. And I'm angry, and I want her to know that I know about her and the guy, but I'm trying to take the high road and keep my silence. But it's becoming hard to maintain.

I know I want nothing to do with her ever again, so if that's the case, why dont I give her a piece of my mind? But on the other, maybe I should maintain my composure and just let her be. Thoughts?

TDLR: Girlfriend lied to me over and over about her feelings for another guy, ended up breaking up with me for good because she needed to work on her insecurities and learn how to be alone, but she insisted she wouldn't pursue the other dude either because she realized there was no future with him and she needed to fix the problems with herself first. But she ended up dating him anyways, throwing away any chance of us even being friends again one day. I want to lash out after being noing but considerate thoughout the whole relationship, but I don't know if I should.

LDRs are hard and it seems she's been telling you about this coworker a lot. Which is why she broke up. How did you come about this information? Hopefully you're not back to being 'friends' and have been no contact. She probably was confused until she broke up and was free and clear to date locally. Try to move from it. You are dating too? Focus on that and new beginnings.

her coworker laid out all his feelings on the table for her. her feelings for her coworker came about in the first place because of insecurties she had with herself and with being alone when I wasn't around.

I think the best bet is to stay on the high road. This is for a few reasons:

1. you never regret being kind in the long run (right now you are hurt, rightly so)

2. If you go off on her and say something, you will eventually feel bad about that and then be thinking about reaching out to apologize.

3. If you say and do nothing, then she has no idea how you feel. And that is your strength.

4. lashing out at her, makes you the bad guy and she will go to the new guy for comfort and that leads to

5. them having a shared enemy.

No matter what happens, you choke back your instinct to go off on her. Regardless of whether a person does you dirty or not, the only thing you can control is yourself and your reaction.

6. Do not give them the satisfaction.

It's hard. Believe me.... I always play dumb and take the high road with exes. because at the end of the day, they are not worth it. When you are hurting, it's really hard. But you will be able to look back and know, you are a good person.

Hang in there. Post in the "post here instead of contacting your ex" thread. You probably will get an opportunity at some point in the future to say your peace. And hopefully by then, your perspective will have changed and you will be able to say and mean-- "yeah, I'm sorry the way it went, but I am glad we are both happier now"

7. The best thing you can do is not be someone's victim and see that it is their loss. Not yours.

No, we're not back to being "friends". I've maintained no contact since we first broke up. I found out because I was considering messaging her but my friend had to tell me he saw a picture of them together which also said they were dating so that I wouldn't go through with it. The thing that frustrates me further is that she threw one long distance relationship for another. She's back at school and the guy is from her hometown and doesn't even drive and works full time. So they're seeing eachother less than we would have. I'm not dating at the moment, I've been having trouble meeting people. I'm back at home living with my parents for the year. While I am taking time to focus on myself and do productive things like get fit and take up some skills, I'm currently not meeting any new people, which has been frustrating.

Thanks for taking the time to write out your response. It has given me a sense of clarity and made me feel a little better. I won't act impulsively, you're right I might regret it in the long run, and I know that one day I'll be glad I didn't lash out.

It won't be worth it, OP.

She's too much in the fog of her new relationship to truly hear you, anyway. You might feel better for a couple minutes but that's about it. It won't alleviate the hurt and sense of betrayal you feel.

What you should try to take away from this is that the first break up should be the last. People generally aren't confused when it comes to relationships. When someone wants to be with you, they'll make it work no matter what other issues they are having. So do always keep that in the back of your mind.

As for her lying about the reasons....I mean....you can't really expect anyone to come up to your face and tell you that they are trading you in for a bigger better deal. When breaking up, most people will lie or gloss over the reasons and as you get older and date more, you'll find doing the same as you realize that honesty can be too cruel or simply unnecessarily damaging to other person. What you didn't like about them, someone else will love. So rather than focusing on why, focus on that they don't want to be with you. The why doesn't matter in the end.

Finally, never ever lash out. It might make you feel better today, but you will feel like garbage afterward forever. Don't do that to yourself. Always head high and take the high road. Liking yourself is more valuable than a temporary pleasure from lashing out.

Unfortunately the "try before you buy" tactic has a tendency to backfire.

Hang in there, you're in the lead.

No, we're not back to being "friends". I've maintained no contact since we first broke up.... she threw one long distance relationship for another. .... lied

 

She even broke up with me because of him temporarily before begging me to take her back

She was not confused, she knew exactly what she was doing, which I think I said in your first thread.

Do this:

maintain my composure and just let her be

Why you would want to contact after she has done this is, is beyond my comprehension. I wouldn't pee on her if she was on fire, to be honest.

This moment of anger will subside, and for all the reasons Lambert says, you will be glad you didn't do anything.

How is your self improvement program going? Are you on track towards achieving your goals?

She was not confused, she knew exactly what she was doing, which I think I said in your first thread.

Yes, I absolutely agree.

It was clear from the first thread she was going to go with this other guy, unfortunately. There was no confusion, only a girl who didn't want to be the "bad guy" and admit she wanted to date someone else.

OP, in some ways, it's probably better you found this out now. It will allow you to fully let go of her so you can recover. It will be unpleasant, and I feel for you having once been in a similar situation years ago, but this girl is just not The One for you.

Yes, I know now she wasn't confused, I'm just annoyed that she managed to convince me time and time again and possibly herself too that she was.

"How is your self improvement program going? Are you on track towards achieving your goals?"

It's going well to say the least. I'm currently working hard to get into Law School, working part time, improving my physique, and have taken up some skills that I've been keeping up with. The only thing I'm dissapointed with is my lack of progress in meeting new people. I'm living at home with my parents for the year and I've started to hit that point in young adult life where everyone is always busy and it's hard to connect with someone new. And dating apps aren't really my thing.

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I won't give in to my anger. And I won't try to focus anymore on why is she doing this, because I probably will not get any answers. The reason I've kept holding on for so long and even considered saying anything is because of how much I cared about her. And who she is now and what she did this past summer is not in line with the girl I dated. I thought I was an excellent boyfriend and I provided for all her needs and she was the one who was intially crazy for me and couldn't bear to lose me, but yet she still thought someone else was better. It's natural to wonder how she thought that. But I'm moving on now, no more being the victim. I've blocked her on everything and am now ready to start healing for good.

Cheers

-Manonajourney

The other guy was closer and more convenient, not better.

but yet she still thought someone else was better.

yet she still thought someone else was better. It's natural to wonder how she thought that.

Yes it is. My own situation was similar to yours, I spent some time pondering that .... but now, more than 6 months on there is some clarity -

The other guy was closer and more convenient, not better.

The ex who does this has probably done you a favor by getting it over and done with now, instead of stringing you on for longer.

I'm currently working hard to get into Law School, working part time, improving my physique, and have taken up some skills that I've been keeping up with. The only thing I'm dissapointed with is my lack of progress in meeting new people.

Just keep on doing what you are doing. I wouldn't try to force any progress on the new friends front. That will come at its own speed.

Thanks for your response. May I ask, how do you feel towards your ex now after 6 months? Are you still upset towards her, or have you forigiven her? Do you know if your ex ended up having regrets on her descision?

I think of her infrequently now, yet there is still a little ambivalence. Irresolution might be a more precise description. Time is taking care of that though, those thoughts are a faint echo of what they once were. I appreciate that you can't decide to totally detach. So you focus on your goals, your purpose, and let time take care of the detachment, too. The upset dissipated months ago. She chose not to be part of my life, so forgiving her is irrelevant.

I have no idea what her thinking is. We have had no contact for more than 6 months.

I think of her infrequently now, yet there is still a little ambivalence. Irresolution might be a more precise description. Time is taking care of that though, those thoughts are a faint echo of what they once were. I appreciate that you can't decide to totally detach. So you focus on your goals, your purpose, and let time take care of the detachment, too. The upset dissipated months ago. She chose not to be part of my life, so forgiving her is irrelevant.

 

I have no idea what her thinking is. We have had no contact for more than 6 months.

This post is similar to how it has worked for myself as well, and it's pretty much spot-on for how I think it's best to manage these kinds of experiences.

Your feelings will fade as you focus on other areas of your life that you value, and as you learn to value those more (or find new things to value), your capacity to value your lost dynamic with your ex will simply dwindle. Likewise, as a person gets further and further detached from your life, then the importance of forgiveness and perception continues to dwindle, and understanding that person stops being a thing.

Im in the same exact spot right now. They are not officially dating, but flirting. It was so damaging seeing these “proof”, i had to unfriend and unfollow. Days are much easier without them in my life (nothing to remind me. Nothing to stalk). One day it will be official and i will do my best to not do anything. Instead let us both take the pleasure of taking the high road. And laugh as we watch our exes prove what they are truly worth. Let it be a tool for us to move on EASIER as it will provide as a valid reason to move on and know someone out there will “love” for all we are (flaws and all).