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Thread: Has he gone cold or is it just me?

  1. #1
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    Has he gone cold or is it just me?

    I met a guy online about 6 weeks ago. Weve been dating since then. It took me quite a while to decide whether I really wanted to keep dating him or not, but I recently decided I did and that I really like him.

    Weve been on around 7 dates, and the last two weve slept together. Date number 7 we went out for dinner then he stayed at mine. It was the first time wed spent the night together, and we got up the next morning and went out for brunch. We chatted. It was lovely, we even had a goodbye kiss when he went home.

    Since then hes been quite distant via text. I asked if he wanted to catch up on Sunday and he said he wasnt very well, so wanted a quiet night, so Ive asked again about tonight and hes not responded.

    I really didnt get the impression from him that he was an immature- ignorer type man, but now Im starting to doubt myself and thinking that maybe I got it wrong and hes trying to back away from me?

    Its really annoying because I just let my guard down. I feel like Im at the point where Im going to get hurt :-(

    What should I do? If he says hes busy tonight, how do I react to show Im not cool with him not replying to me - and that if thats what hes looking for then Im not the right one - without sounding like a psycho??

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Have you had the exclusive talk? Are you or he dating others? Don't text and ask for a bunch of dates in a row. 📞☎📞☎📞☎📞

    If you really want to put a nail in the coffin and "sound like a psycho" tell him "You're annoyed he didn't text back soon enough about a last minute date on your terms" (after already telling you he wasn't feeling well). What's wrong with seeing each other over the weekend?

    Just chill. You are immediately assuming this was a pump and dump although after dating 6 weeks and 7 dates, there is no indication of that.
    Originally Posted by rubys
    via text. I asked if he wanted to catch up on Sunday and he said he wasnt very well, so wanted a quiet night, so Ive asked again about tonight and hes not responded. If he says hes busy tonight, how do I react to show Im not cool with him not replying to me - and that if thats what hes looking for then Im not the right one - without sounding like a psycho??

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well, seems that after sleeping with him, you are suddenly feeling very vulnerable, which is normal. Just be sure that you don't get so wound up in your own anxieties that you become completely tone death to what the other person is telling you. In this case, he told you that he isn't feeling well. The proper response should be to show some concern/consideration and maybe wish him to get better soon or inquire how he is feeling rather than demanding a last minute date and then getting upset that he hasn't responded in time. Sometimes, when you seek validation so aggressively, it just comes across as very self centered and that give the other person some pause about you if not actually cause them to exit right out.

  4. #4

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    I believe that when you ask questions like this, things are starting to change; it's noticeable and therefore your feelings are valid. I'd assume the same thing!

    I don't think you should continually ask him out on dates. You shouldn't even have to do that. It should probably be shared at this point.

    I have the same questions. Are you exclusive? Did you define the relationship? Is he still/was he on dating sites? The answer you give to that could be quite telling. I got dumped after 3 months the same way. "Oh I'm just going to enjoy a quiet night in." And a few days later, "Unfortunately, things aren't going the way I envisioned." Yeah, he met someone else. Anyway, not saying that's what is happening here, just sharing an experience.

    Regardless, the best way to keep your cool if he blows you off and says he is busy is to not respond at all. If he responds favorably, maybe he is just getting comfortable with you (but I wouldn't really count on that as it is so early).

    Say nothing else, do nothing else.

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  6. #5
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    It is not uncommon for a man to pull back a bit (a couple of days) after first time sex. Hes accomplished his initial goal (sex) and is now contemplating what he wants to happen next, where he wants it to go.

    You need to chill and not freak out. Give him the space. When he contacts you again, be happy to hear from him and dont have attitude.

    This has happened to me with every long term bf Ive had, to some degree or another, including my current bf.

    In the early stages, my ex used to pull back for a couple days whenever we had a long intense weekend together (which included lots of sex).

    I was anxious but I left him alone and he always contacted me again like everything was fine which it was!

    He (like many guys) just needed some space after feeling a bit vulnerable after our long intense weekend and feeling close. Gradually he needed less space.

    Again just chill, do your own thing. Do NOT have attitude when he contacts you again! It's important, especially in these very early stages, to remain flexible and open to these changing nuances, otherwise you will drive yourself bonkers with anxiety, possibly driving you to react in ways that may push your partner away (just like you were thinking of doing i.e. going all psycho on him).

    Read John Gray he explains this phenomenon in more detail but again, its not uncommon imo and experience.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 09-25-2018 at 02:06 PM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Bottom line is that 6 weeks is so early. A fragile time, regardless of labels. You just have to ride those waves, staying open to the hopes and potential and not being too governed by the fear of getting hurt.

    My feeling is that until I've had the exclusive talk, I assume the other person is or may be dating others, still exploring, maybe even sleeping with others. There's anxiety there, and increased risk of getting hurt with increased attachment, but to me there's also anxiety in labeling it all too early just to quell those anxieties. So, that's the dance.

    I'd just chill out a bit here. He told you he wasn't feeling well. Just take that for what it is, rather than what it might be.


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