Insecure as f

Hey all,

I'm probably being really stupid but right now I feel totally insecure.

I matched with this guy on tinder about 4 months back, we talked on the phone a bit, he seemed nice but I didn't really feel like anything was going to happen. I did actually meet a couple of other guys around that time but never really felt any sparks, so I deleted the app and just focussed on myself instead for a few months.

I was still facebook friends with this guy, and followed each other on instagram but never actually met.

A couple of months ago I had a death in the family and I posted about it, and out of nowhere he messaged me to say he was really sorry to hear about it, so we kinda talked a little bit, but still never met up. I was out of town with the funeral, and then my car was playing up, and then I went overseas. While I was overseas, I was a bit more active on social media than usual as I was travelling, so I posted all my travel pics. (Normally I don't really like posting too many pics of myself etc as it seems a bit narcissistic). At some point I noticed he was liking everything I posted, as in EVERY SINGLE POST. And then we kinda started talking a bit and said we should catch up once I get back......

So then I got back, and the following weekend we finally met. And OMG I haven't felt chemistry like that in sooooooo long!! I normally don't even kiss on a first date, but, I couldn't stop kissing him, and then of course kissing led to more, and OMG OMG OMG!!! He's really really strong. Like he could just pick me up without even thinking about it. Which has always been my biggest turn-on, if a guy picks me up and carries me around.... I had never told him that obviously but he did it all the same, and he wasn't even straining!! Honest he had the best physique I've ever seen........

So now I am feeling sooo insecure. I obviously, really really like him, and I really hope he likes me too, but I am so worried he'll think I'm a for sleeping with him straight away? He texted me good night, after he got home, and he's texted me every morning both days since (he initiated the good morning texts, I texted him after work to say I hoped he'd had a nice day and he replied that he had and he hoped I had too etc) and so he obviously hasn't ghosted me, but we haven't made any further plans yet.... it has only been a few days since I last saw him, but, well what if anything can I do to ensure that the next date happens and to make sure he doesn't lose interest?

He'd been single for 3 years, after a ten year relationship; he doesn't drink much or go out much, mostly just work, music, his kids (he has primary custody), and work out. I've been single for 6 months, after 4 years on-off with my ex. We're both mid-to-late 30s.

Part of me is really aware that half of what I'm feeling right now is probably oxytocin, it had been a long time since I had sex, let alone GOOD sex, but regardless..... omg how can I ensure that he asks me out again? And I don't just want a casual thing, I would really like this to be more serious - but I'm so scared I already blew it by sleeping with him straight away?

The thing is, sleeping straight away with someone can cause issues. You basically throw everything on the table in one go and have nothing to reach for. No mystery, etc.

You can also have a "crash and burn" scenario where you come on too strong, have it be like fireworks but then have it fizzle just as fast.

Most on here advise to go slow and steady and that's for a reason, slow and steady wins the race so to speak and gives you a much stronger foundation and something to build on.

It's good to create a strong friendship before becoming lovers, so that both people are feeling more of a connection than just a physical one.

Let the sex be for now, hopefully he will ask for a proper date and if he does, don't involved alcohol or going back to each others place. (remember, you are trying to create a connection with this man so he will feel more for you than just a quickie).

Hopefully he will ask for a date or you can always suggest one, but it's difficult to say. A lot of times it seems like once sex occurs the interest dies out very quickly if there is no other emotional connection.

but I am so worried he'll think I'm a for sleeping with him straight away?

 

but I'm so scared I already blew it by sleeping with him straight away?

If he does, then you would be wise to stay far away from such a hypocrite. He slept with you straight away, too, OP.

I would sit back and observe. You have shown you're still interested, so see if he takes the ball in his court and lobs it back to you with another date invitation. I would keep your feet on the ground here, though. You two have known each other for a little while now but only now just met up. I realize you were away for a bit, but why didn't a meet-up happen sometime before now?

The bottom line is, you can't ensure he asks you out again. That's up to him. I would keep the line of communication open; you could suggest a coffee or some such thing and see how he responds. But ultimately, it's on him to reciprocate. You'll know soon enough whether he is interested in something more or if this was just a hook-up for him.

I'll just say though, in my experience, men and women are different when it comes to sex straight away.

Women can become emotionally attached quickly, men seem to lose interest just as quickly if sex is this fast with no other connections made.

Maybe not every single time, but more often than not.

Look, either make plans with him for this weekend or ask him to make plans with you this weekend. Don't ruin things. Do keep in mind what SherrySher said, but you're making a big mistake by not moving quickly to keep the momentum going. Men's egos are fragile. If he thinks you don't like him, you'll lose him.

You can't ensure that he asks you out again. You also can't undo anything, so don't fret. There's nothing wrong with sex on the first date. The only thing wrong is too many OMG!!!s and too much adoration and a silly teen puppy love attitude, like a crush.

Stop all the silly good morning/how was your day texting and scale way back on this. He won't lose interest because there was sex on the first date, he'll lose interest because of excess texting and your smothering desperate attitude. Chill and suggest going out on the weekend.

I normally don't even kiss on a first date, but, I couldn't stop kissing him, and then of course kissing led to more but I am so worried he'll think I'm a for sleeping with him straight away? He texted me good night after he got home but we haven't made any further plans yet..We're both mid-to-late 30s.

If I were you, the next time you seem him, refrain from hanging all over him, and show him you have intellect. Physical attraction and chemistry will only take you so far. Men need more than that to value you. Matters not you already had sex, it's done and it is what it is. But if you go full force at him like that, he may not see you as anything serious. He might think that's all you want. Most men don't care, sex fast or not. But they do care if there's nothing more to you. I'm sure you can show you have some smarts and are able to hold conversation and be classy. So try that. Especially because he's a dad with primary custody of his kids. They want to see there's something within you that is okay to bring around their kids should the time come. You're sounding like a smitten teen anger in lust lol. Tone it down. I'm sure he will ask you out again.

I would suggest asking him to do something this weekend. Only because as a previous poster suggested, men's egos can be fragile. Trying to play it cool may backfire on you in this situation. If a date does come about, try not to sleep with him. Try to actually get to know him, since in your post you don't really mention much about his personality traits, you mostly mention the great chemistry you two have. You seem to be very attracted to him, but do you actually like his personality? You seem to want more with him, but you don't really know all that much about him. A proper date is what you should aim for next. And then decide whether he is worth being so "insecure" over.

Men lose interest after sex if sex is all they were interested in.

The idea early sex ruins great opportunities isn't why it's advisable for women who are more emotionally vulnerable after sex to hold off. It's to filter out guys who are just looking for a lay. While there are no guarantees, dudes just chasing sex can generally do so much more easily than dating a woman several weeks, and that's more or less the purpose. But, rest assured, if you're having a good time and then happens to get sex on top of it, he's not going to be writing you off during his drive home. And if he were the anomaly who would, that would be a guy who's got what should be game-breaking double standards anyhow.

In the future, yes, you may want to slow down physically a bit. Not because there's anything wrong with doing it quickly, but because you don't seem like a woman who's comfortable with having sex quickly, not knowing whether things will progress beyond it or having any real reason to assume so. While sex doesn't ruin the opportunity for a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th date, it also doesn't guarantee it. If you're gonna have sex on a first date, do it because you want sex, and at least be okay with the prospect it may be the first and last. Otherwise, maintain your own physical and emotional boundaries.

Don't play games or be cold to be cold, but I agree that you may want to gush over him a bit less. Dial your expectations back just a tad and, should you two continue dating, enjoy it and getting to know him.

I'm just wondering if part of this isn't driven by grieving?

I only ask because I've acted out of sorts after deaths.

I don't think you 'really really like him' because, well, you don't know him. You enjoyed the sex. Nothing wrong with that.

Your actions don't line up with someone looking for something serious. More like some fun and a hot guy. Again nothing wrong with that, but at least get straight with what you are actually after at the mo.

Men lose interest after sex if sex is all they were interested in.

 

The idea early sex ruins great opportunities isn't why it's advisable for women who are more emotionally vulnerable after sex to hold off. It's to filter out guys who are just looking for a lay. While there are no guarantees, dudes just chasing sex can generally do so much more easily than dating a woman several weeks, and that's more or less the purpose. But, rest assured, if you're having a good time and then happens to get sex on top of it, he's not going to be writing you off during his drive home. And if he were the anomaly who would, that would be a guy who's got what should be game-breaking double standards anyhow.

 

In the future, yes, you may want to slow down physically a bit. Not because there's anything wrong with doing it quickly, but because you don't seem like a woman who's comfortable with having sex quickly, not knowing whether things will progress beyond it or having any real reason to assume so. While sex doesn't ruin the opportunity for a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th date, it also doesn't guarantee it. If you're gonna have sex on a first date, do it because you want sex, and at least be okay with the prospect it may be the first and last. Otherwise, maintain your own physical and emotional boundaries.

 

Don't play games or be cold to be cold, but I agree that you may want to gush over him a bit less. Dial your expectations back just a tad and, should you two continue dating, enjoy it and getting to know him.

Bingo.....

There's nothing wrong with sex on a first date. It can be fun, it can be hot. As j.man put it, you have sex on a first date because you want to have sex. That's the guarantee, nothing more.

Sex, of course, can also be confusing, and it can create a bind by triggering an avalanche of insecurities. "Insecure af" is not attractive to anyone, whatever the circumstances. Insecurities are what can derail a relationship, as no one wants the pressure of being a salve to another's anxiety—especially early, when there isn't the history, time, comfort, understanding, friendship, and more expansive intimacy required to reveal ourselves to another.

As a man who has had plenty of sex on first dates, including with people I went on to date and love for years, I'll say this: I'm generally a touch insecure afterward. Maybe not "af," but I feel exposed, vulnerable, confused, excited. I don't leap to imagining some rosy future—my OMGs are pretty tamed—but my ego wants to be soothed, too. Maybe in more passive years the immediate "Goodnight" text would be sent in hopes of receiving something like "Goodnight back—that was amazing, can't wait to see you again." At which point my ego is soothed and I say something like, "How's about Wednesday?" Now I generally just say, "When do I see you again?"

Point being, chill with the gamesmanship and analysis. Let him know you'd like to see him. I bet he feels the same, and if he doesn't than you move on from anxious af zone.

Hey all,

 

I'm probably being really stupid but right now I feel totally insecure.

 

I matched with this guy on tinder about 4 months back, we talked on the phone a bit, he seemed nice but I didn't really feel like anything was going to happen. I did actually meet a couple of other guys around that time but never really felt any sparks, so I deleted the app and just focussed on myself instead for a few months.

 

I was still facebook friends with this guy, and followed each other on instagram but never actually met.

 

A couple of months ago I had a death in the family and I posted about it, and out of nowhere he messaged me to say he was really sorry to hear about it, so we kinda talked a little bit, but still never met up. I was out of town with the funeral, and then my car was playing up, and then I went overseas. While I was overseas, I was a bit more active on social media than usual as I was travelling, so I posted all my travel pics. (Normally I don't really like posting too many pics of myself etc as it seems a bit narcissistic). At some point I noticed he was liking everything I posted, as in EVERY SINGLE POST. And then we kinda started talking a bit and said we should catch up once I get back......

 

So then I got back, and the following weekend we finally met. And OMG I haven't felt chemistry like that in sooooooo long!! I normally don't even kiss on a first date, but, I couldn't stop kissing him, and then of course kissing led to more, and OMG OMG OMG!!! He's really really strong. Like he could just pick me up without even thinking about it. Which has always been my biggest turn-on, if a guy picks me up and carries me around.... I had never told him that obviously but he did it all the same, and he wasn't even straining!! Honest he had the best physique I've ever seen........

 

So now I am feeling sooo insecure. I obviously, really really like him, and I really hope he likes me too, but I am so worried he'll think I'm a for sleeping with him straight away? He texted me good night, after he got home, and he's texted me every morning both days since (he initiated the good morning texts, I texted him after work to say I hoped he'd had a nice day and he replied that he had and he hoped I had too etc) and so he obviously hasn't ghosted me, but we haven't made any further plans yet.... it has only been a few days since I last saw him, but, well what if anything can I do to ensure that the next date happens and to make sure he doesn't lose interest?

 

He'd been single for 3 years, after a ten year relationship; he doesn't drink much or go out much, mostly just work, music, his kids (he has primary custody), and work out. I've been single for 6 months, after 4 years on-off with my ex. We're both mid-to-late 30s.

 

Part of me is really aware that half of what I'm feeling right now is probably oxytocin, it had been a long time since I had sex, let alone GOOD sex, but regardless..... omg how can I ensure that he asks me out again? And I don't just want a casual thing, I would really like this to be more serious - but I'm so scared I already blew it by sleeping with him straight away?

I would talk with him and be honest letting him know how I feel. You seem like a wonderful person and is worthy of a healthy relationship. Hope it works out. Take care.

You can't ensure that he asks you out again. You also can't undo anything, so don't fret. There's nothing wrong with sex on the first date. The only thing wrong is too many OMG!!!s and too much adoration and a silly teen puppy love attitude, like a crush.

 

Stop all the silly good morning/how was your day texting and scale way back on this. He won't lose interest because there was sex on the first date, he'll lose interest because of excess texting and your smothering desperate attitude. Chill and suggest going out on the weekend.

Um he's the one who sends me the good morning texts, it would be kinda rude to not reply I'd think?

BUT...... I did ask if he's free this coming Saturday, after he texted this morning, and he said that he didn't know, there was some video he was releasing and he might be busy with that. So I just said all good and good luck then.

I feel a bit brushed off to be honest. I still like him but the whole chemical rush feels like it's wearing off. I do understand that he might have other things on in his life too, but if someone who I really liked asked me out, and I couldn't make that particular time, I would suggest an alternative time. So..... ugh. Balls' in his court I guess.

Are you sure it was a "chemical rush" and not just cause you thought (think) he's HOT?

There IS a difference.

And yeah I agree with you, if he were feeling the "chemistry rush" same as you, he would have suggested another time, or told you he'd let you know for certain within the next couple of days (assuming the video story was legit) NOT just say that he didn't know, that there "might" be something else he has to do. THAT's a blow off imo.

Are you sure it was a "chemical rush" and not just cause you thought (think) he's HOT?

 

There IS a difference.

 

And yeah I agree with you, if he were feeling the "chemistry rush" same as you, he would have suggested another time, or told you he'd let you know for certain within the next couple of days (assuming the video story was legit) NOT just say that he didn't know, that there "might" be something else he has to do. THAT's a blow off imo.

Definitely the "chemical rush", as my opinions on his hotness hasn't changed but I don't feel almost "high" on sex anymore.

The video story would be legit. He was showing me the draft edits of it the other day, it was still with the producer getting polished.

I dunno. I'll just leave it up to him to make next move, if any.

 

Men lose interest after sex if sex is all they were interested in.

Not always though; I've known men (mostly from the support group I attended last year) who admitted they only wanted casual sex, but ended up falling in love with the woman. One married her, divorced ten years later which is what brought him to the therapy group.

Then you've got guys who don't just want sex, they want a RL, but afterwards realize he's just not feeling it (with her) and stops seeing her. Meanwhile, the woman thinks he only wanted sex!

Some admitted they were really into a woman, but lost interest after sex. Why? Because of her behavior after the sex! Becoming clingy, needy, assuming they were in a "relationship" or pushing for one.

Which turned him off, so he stopped seeing her and again the woman is left believing he was only in it for the sex! When it was her behavior after the sex that caused him to turn off.

It's a gamble either way imo. I had sex with my ex the first night we met, it wasn't even a date! lol We were together for six years after that night, and became engaged.

I ended it because of his drug addiction but that's another thread!

OP, take from this post what you will, and good luck!!

Thank you Katrina

Yep, there's been a few encouraging posts on here - yours included :)

I'm not too fazed at how I've behaved "since" - someone else thought I was being too clingy with the texts but given that 90% of mine, were a response to him texting first, I don't think it's too much. Nothing wrong with telling someone I hope they have a nice day too after they text me good morning first!

I did feel very insecure about the whole sex on the first date thing. Especially given that he'd mentioned he basically had been living like a monk since he broke up with his ex three years ago, I was worried he might think I'm a bit of a tramp.... but as someone else said, he was equally into it as I was and it'd be a bit hypocrtical of him to judge me. And it's also nice to hear that a lot of people have actually transitioned into relationships after sleeping together quickly, despite the odds!

Honest opinion prior to meeting him, was that he was a bit clueless about women and dating in general (which I guess would square up nicely with someone who's spent most of his adult life in two serious longterm relationships) and perhaps, now that my own chemicals are settling back down, I won't feel so insecure. It's easy enough to just continue being nice and see what happens.

Being nice and seeing what happens—yes. Stay as open as you can for what you want, while being real about how you feel.

Sounds to me like you got another glimpse of his clueless side with the whole video release explanation, which could be pure idiocy, pure brush off, or an accidental brush off created by cluelessness. He's probably feeling a lot of things too, can't quite articulate them even to himself, and is buckling.

I know that when I have hot sex early with someone, not uncommon in my history, the enlightened liberal in me sometimes rears his head after in clumsy ways. I don't want a woman to think I'm just thinking about her in terms of sex, because I'm not, and yet of course I'm thinking a whole lot about the hot sex which we just had and I want more. And so, a bind! How do I convey that I'm decent AND would like to take her pants off again as soon as possible?! And in my heady, self-conscious state I sometimes revert to the oddly chilly and formal.

For whatever that's worth. Savor the rush, keep a toe on the ground—that's basically my motto for life.

He's not interested in seeing you, even on a Saturday?Which by the way is a long time away (if someone is really into you). Most would want to see you within a few days.

I know a lot of people don't want to hear the truth. They like believing that they are misreading this or there is still a chance, and then you get those that give you hope and say.."Yes, but my friend so and so had this happen and they lived happily ever after"...then you once again feel like all is not lost.

But let's be realistic here.

He had sex with you, he's not coming back with any rush at all. That in itself would be disheartening for most women if not a huge disappointment altogether.

You'd think (and I think most women would agree) that if he was so into you and into the sex, he would be wanting to see you much sooner and would be as excited as you seemed to sound.

At this point, truthfully, he sounds like he's being polite and ho hum.

I still stand with what I said originally, give a man something to reach for, keep some kind of mystery. Build some kind of foundation so he feels a genuine connection with you and has more than just a feeling of being horny.

If you throw it all out there on the first date, it could very well be like how it is now, he's not running back and all the mystery is gone.

I think that's far more honest and realistic than anything else.

He's not interested in seeing you, even on a Saturday?Which by the way is a long time away (if someone is really into you). Most would want to see you within a few days.

 

I know a lot of people don't want to hear the truth. They like believing that they are misreading this or there is still a chance, and then you get those that give you hope and say.."Yes, but my friend so and so had this happen and they lived happily ever after"...then you once again feel like all is not lost.

 

But let's be realistic here.

He had sex with you, he's not coming back with any rush at all. That in itself would be disheartening for most women if not a huge disappointment altogether.

You'd think (and I think most women would agree) that if he was so into you and into the sex, he would be wanting to see you much sooner and would be as excited as you seemed to sound.

At this point, truthfully, he sounds like he's being polite and ho hum.

 

I still stand with what I said originally, give a man something to reach for, keep some kind of mystery. Build some kind of foundation so he feels a genuine connection with you and has more than just a feeling of being horny.

If you throw it all out there on the first date, it could very well be like how it is now, he's not running back and all the mystery is gone.

 

I think that's far more honest and realistic than anything else.

Wow. This is so way harsh.

It hasn't even been three full days yet since I saw him. He has initiated texts on every single one of those days, in addition to texting me within an hour of leaving (ie as soon as he got home after our date).

It wasn't so long ago that the "rules" dictated a man didn't even contact you til three full days had passed. Remember?

He works full-time, he has his kids full-time, he is also trying to get a music career up off the ground, and he works out a lot (former pro athlete, which I got the benefits of the other night). He's busy. He's been single a long time and isn't sitting around waiting for a woman to fill up all his waking moments.

I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I've seen nothing to suggest he is a "player", and plenty to suggest he is a decent person, and whilst I was absolutely smitten with him physically, my initial connection with him was more in terms of discussing parenting and values - my daughter is the same age as his two oldest so we had a fair few things in common - and so on.

It's entirely possible that he is only texting me to be polite, it's also entirely possible that he is texting me cos he likes me. Just because I felt insecure doesn't mean he's actually done anything wrong. And whilst I might want to see him straight away, doesn't mean I expect him to drop his entire life to suit me, especially when he's trying to chase his dreams.

In fact, I would go so far as to say I'm quite sure he does like me. And so long as I just sit back and don't do anything spectacularly stupid, this could be the start of something really awesome.

Brilliant again blue.

In fact, I would go so far as to say I'm quite sure he does like me. And so long as I just sit back and don't do anything spectacularly stupid, this could be the start of something really awesome.

Well, then! There you go! You just talked yourself into the best possible way to see this and move your insecurities out of your own way.

You can't undo what's done, and by the sound of things, you wouldn't want to. So relax the best you can into your most confident self, and enjOy your communication and learning how this might play itself out.

I hope you'll keep us posted, and fingers crossed for you.

Head high.

Brilliant catfeeder!

And so true, she did literally just talk her way out of her insecurity.

Might be harsh but so is a man who had sex with you and can't find time to even bother seeing you days afterwards.

Let's be honest here, that's far more harsher in my opinion. Busy or not, he still can't find the time...wow.. it's not great, is it?

Yes, like the others, good if you can overcome your insecurity but that still doesn't mean he will end up being someone who is serious about you.

I am only pointing out that he's sure taking his time on bothering seeing you again or making any romantic gestures at all.

And you know what? It's not me who is harsh...he is, I am only pointing it out.