Jump to content

Life after being with a narcissist


stephanie86

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone. I receantly put an end to a very toxic relationship with a narcissist person. Im attending therapy, however, I feel an urge everyday to talk with her because I feel lonely. Im going to the gym, seeing friends, however, I have bad days like today where I just feel anxiety and feel like I should look for her, even tho' I know she will not answer me or respond mean. How do you cope with this days? Any tips? I didn't go to the gym today and am staying home watching personal growth videos.

Link to comment

You should have cut this off two years ago, when you guys broke up. You have already prolonged the pain long enough.

 

It's is great that you are getting therapy. Get out with friends, find new activities, take classes, join clubs, Meetups, volunteer, whatever. Stay busy. That helped me.

 

In the future, do not try to be friends when there are feelings. I am also curious as to why you did, if you believe her to be a narcissist?

Link to comment

Steph, I’m sorry. Based on your history you aren’t a victim, you were in an admittedly codependent relationship where you refused to let go.

 

I’m sorry.

 

I know it hurts. Don’t go down the diagnosis road. You would be SO much better off focusing on YOU and what within you caused this inability to let go.

 

You’re going to be ok, one day at a time.

Link to comment

I know how hard it is and I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I was in a toxic relationship for 7 years. Been out for 15 months now and I still suffer through days of longing to contact him even though he is already married to the girl he started seeing when we broke up. It is not an easy road and being a co-dependent partner is a very difficult attachment to break. You seem to be very self aware and are doing what you need to do. If I can make one suggestion, however, that seemed to help me a bit. When we first broke up, I obsessed about his personality, his narcissistic traits, reasons why he found it so easy to move on and marry at lightning speed, etch.... I have switched my research and reading topics to ones about ME. How breakups can lead to personal growth, how to overcome heartbreak, how to find yourself again... Switch that focus to YOU. I find that I am moving forward in my healing at a much quicker rate (I'm obviously not over it as I lurk and post here ALL the time) now that I am less interested in what he's doing and why he's doing it. STAY NO CONTACT. We are here for you.

Link to comment

Life after being with a narcissist is a journey which gets better over time. This is new to you, so don't be too hard on yourself for feeling like you want to get in touch. HOWEVER, do stay on your path to healing. It sounds like you are doing many good things to care for yourself. For many, part of healing after being with a narcissist involves not having contact with the narc. Redirect your energy into healthy beneficial pursuits. Post here as often as needed to vent or for support.

Link to comment

I think it's very important to go out and start making new friends or even just hang out doing pretty much anything that interests you with healthy, happy, balanced people. You need to surround yourself with normalcy so to speak. Check out meetup.com in your area and just join whatever groups interest you and go. Just going to work, gym, watching self improvement videos can be a lonely business, thus the desire to seek out human contact even when that contact is going to be toxic to you. So you start replacing toxic with healthy and happy. Meeting new people and engaging in new activities will also help you to get out of that painful groove of dwelling about your ex. You can cry on your old friend's shoulders about it, but when you are meeting new people and socializing, you have to yank yourself out of the negativity in your own head and smile and participate. You might not feel like it at first and at times have to actually force yourself to go, but do go. You will thank yourself for it later as you realize that life is becoming brighter and you no longer want your ex in your life.

Link to comment
You should have cut this off two years ago, when you guys broke up. You have already prolonged the pain long enough.

 

It's is great that you are getting therapy. Get out with friends, find new activities, take classes, join clubs, Meetups, volunteer, whatever. Stay busy. That helped me.

 

In the future, do not try to be friends when there are feelings. I am also curious as to why you did, if you believe her to be a narcissist?

 

 

I believe it´s because in a way I couldn´t find it within my self to have the strength to do it. I just didn´t want to loose her because I knew from what I could see that she struggled a lot emotionally, and felt bad as to how I imagined she would feel like being alone. However, I now see that she could actually live just fine without me. Maybe struggle a bit but she seems to feel fine when she is yelling, disrespecting and belittling me. It seems like I have been the one wanting to be there. Supporting that abuse. Feeling like my worth was the way she would see me, and she just didn´t see me as something better than...I don´t know what. I really feel like I am starting to reconnect with my identity and it feels a bit confusing because i lived pretty much doing what she would approve of me, and even that, it wasn´t enough. I read so much about how a narcissist talks to her partner, and how a partner reacts and feels. I am not a victim, and I know I´m smart, I just got caught up in a whirlwind of codependency and validated my self through the eyes of someone else. But she was not kind to me. And whenever I would confront her, and would tell her that she was hurting my feelings, she would say it was my fault and that I deserved that treatment for being emotional. I don´t know why I wanted so much to be loved by her. But it´s something I am working right now, because I, ME, MY SELF let that happen. That is why I did. I was blinded by low self esteem and self worth. Thank you Holly. Regards,

Link to comment
Steph, I’m sorry. Based on your history you aren’t a victim, you were in an admittedly codependent relationship where you refused to let go.

 

I’m sorry.

 

I know it hurts. Don’t go down the diagnosis road. You would be SO much better off focusing on YOU and what within you caused this inability to let go.

 

You’re going to be ok, one day at a time.

 

Thank you, I appreciate it.

Link to comment
I know how hard it is and I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I was in a toxic relationship for 7 years. Been out for 15 months now and I still suffer through days of longing to contact him even though he is already married to the girl he started seeing when we broke up. It is not an easy road and being a co-dependent partner is a very difficult attachment to break. You seem to be very self aware and are doing what you need to do. If I can make one suggestion, however, that seemed to help me a bit. When we first broke up, I obsessed about his personality, his narcissistic traits, reasons why he found it so easy to move on and marry at lightning speed, etch.... I have switched my research and reading topics to ones about ME. How breakups can lead to personal growth, how to overcome heartbreak, how to find yourself again... Switch that focus to YOU. I find that I am moving forward in my healing at a much quicker rate (I'm obviously not over it as I lurk and post here ALL the time) now that I am less interested in what he's doing and why he's doing it. STAY NO CONTACT. We are here for you.

 

Thanak you so much Natasha, thanks for sharing your experience, and your advice is great, because you are right, searching and trying to figure out the person I was with only keeps me mentally connected to her and doesn´t let me move on. I am done trying to figure her out. And I´m glad you did too with your ex. Much love, NO CONTACT indeed! Thank you.

Link to comment
Life after being with a narcissist is a journey which gets better over time. This is new to you, so don't be too hard on yourself for feeling like you want to get in touch. HOWEVER, do stay on your path to healing. It sounds like you are doing many good things to care for yourself. For many, part of healing after being with a narcissist involves not having contact with the narc. Redirect your energy into healthy beneficial pursuits. Post here as often as needed to vent or for support.

 

Thank you Ginger, it is, I´m thinking about her everyday. I am morning more for my heart now than for her, because her, I lost her after the very first year we were together, and never got her back. But my heart kept loving and I kept pushing it basically to keep making it hurt without self respect and love. That is very wrong. But I did. Thank you for our words.

Link to comment
I think it's very important to go out and start making new friends or even just hang out doing pretty much anything that interests you with healthy, happy, balanced people. You need to surround yourself with normalcy so to speak. Check out meetup.com in your area and just join whatever groups interest you and go. Just going to work, gym, watching self improvement videos can be a lonely business, thus the desire to seek out human contact even when that contact is going to be toxic to you. So you start replacing toxic with healthy and happy. Meeting new people and engaging in new activities will also help you to get out of that painful groove of dwelling about your ex. You can cry on your old friend's shoulders about it, but when you are meeting new people and socializing, you have to yank yourself out of the negativity in your own head and smile and participate. You might not feel like it at first and at times have to actually force yourself to go, but do go. You will thank yourself for it later as you realize that life is becoming brighter and you no longer want your ex in your life.

 

Thank you for your advice. I would love to met new people and keep growing. I can´t tell y friends about this very much into detail because they were with me through this journey and I feel like I´ve let them down every time I would say something about my ex. I want to show my self self improved and renewed, pursuit my new interests which I don´t know yet which they are at the moment, but I´m keeping moving. Thank you!

Link to comment
I believe it´s because in a way I couldn´t find it within my self to have the strength to do it. I just didn´t want to loose her because I knew from what I could see that she struggled a lot emotionally, and felt bad as to how I imagined she would feel like being alone. However, I now see that she could actually live just fine without me. Maybe struggle a bit but she seems to feel fine when she is yelling, disrespecting and belittling me. It seems like I have been the one wanting to be there. Supporting that abuse. Feeling like my worth was the way she would see me, and she just didn´t see me as something better than...I don´t know what. I really feel like I am starting to reconnect with my identity and it feels a bit confusing because i lived pretty much doing what she would approve of me, and even that, it wasn´t enough. I read so much about how a narcissist talks to her partner, and how a partner reacts and feels. I am not a victim, and I know I´m smart, I just got caught up in a whirlwind of codependency and validated my self through the eyes of someone else. But she was not kind to me. And whenever I would confront her, and would tell her that she was hurting my feelings, she would say it was my fault and that I deserved that treatment for being emotional. I don´t know why I wanted so much to be loved by her. But it´s something I am working right now, because I, ME, MY SELF let that happen. That is why I did. I was blinded by low self esteem and self worth. Thank you Holly. Regards,

 

Look up Lisa Romano on youtube. What she has to say about relationships, codependence, trying to help your narcissist while they hurt and demean you - it might really resonate with you and help you move forward.

Link to comment
I believe it´s because in a way I couldn´t find it within my self to have the strength to do it. I just didn´t want to loose her because I knew from what I could see that she struggled a lot emotionally, and felt bad as to how I imagined she would feel like being alone. However, I now see that she could actually live just fine without me. Maybe struggle a bit but she seems to feel fine when she is yelling, disrespecting and belittling me. It seems like I have been the one wanting to be there. Supporting that abuse. Feeling like my worth was the way she would see me, and she just didn´t see me as something better than...I don´t know what. I really feel like I am starting to reconnect with my identity and it feels a bit confusing because i lived pretty much doing what she would approve of me, and even that, it wasn´t enough. I read so much about how a narcissist talks to her partner, and how a partner reacts and feels. I am not a victim, and I know I´m smart, I just got caught up in a whirlwind of codependency and validated my self through the eyes of someone else. But she was not kind to me. And whenever I would confront her, and would tell her that she was hurting my feelings, she would say it was my fault and that I deserved that treatment for being emotional. I don´t know why I wanted so much to be loved by her. But it´s something I am working right now, because I, ME, MY SELF let that happen. That is why I did. I was blinded by low self esteem and self worth. Thank you Holly. Regards,

 

Did she not dump you? Why would she struggle being alone? I think that it was quite the opposite. Doesn't she also have a gf?

 

The best way to move forward is to be honest with yourself.

 

I would also be careful throwing the term narcissist around. The majority are not. She may have been emotionally abusive, but it does not make her a narcissist. Focus on you, and why you stayed.

 

I wish you the very best.

Link to comment
Did she not dump you? Why would she struggle being alone? I think that it was quite the opposite. Doesn't she also have a gf?

 

The best way to move forward is to be honest with yourself.

 

I would also be careful throwing the term narcissist around. The majority are not. She may have been emotionally abusive, but it does not make her a narcissist. Focus on you, and why you stayed.

 

I wish you the very best.

 

Thank you Holly, you are right, I should not use the term out like that, I will leave it as emotionally abusive. I also don´t want to search more about any of that, it just keeps me thinking about her. And you are right, she dumped me, as is seeing her ex. She should be able to proceed just fine. I want to be as honest with my self as possible with all this so it doesn´t become a pattern. Much love.

Link to comment

Hi....my head incessantly tells me I need to be back in the relationship. Then I will be happy. It must be like heroin to an addict. That "she" is all I need. Yet she is the same person who would call me a f*****g loser in front of our two kids as loudly as she could. It's amazing. My head will also tell me that I CAN'T have a relationship with my kids (ages 9 and 11) outside of the marriage (we have been separated ow for 7 years, about 10 minutes away). I left after one particularly ugly rage on the driveway with our babies in tow. I hate her for my feeling this way, as crazy as that sounds. Thanks for your post Stephanie.

Link to comment

I understand you it is really tough to cut the ties with a loved one in the past but the really best way is just not getting in contact with this person at all and all the things will fade by time. Also when you feel lonely just remember there are so many people in this world, so much to discover and learn and very few time. We all are going to pass away in the end, don't let things to be on your way. We are also here for you! Just try to hold that urge, we know it feels intense but all i can say is by holding that you will feel stronger every day and will be so much easier for you to move on completely.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...