Unrequited Love?

Hi all,

I hope this isn't too long of a post, but here goes...

I split from my partner 18 months ago and during the last 12 month have been spending a lot of time with one of my best friends, who I known for 40 years now - she has been single for 8 years and as she says 'is resigned to a life of being single'. I have always had feelings for her since during high school, but due to both of our circumstances, we have never both been single at the same time, until now. She has always been in my thoughts though.

When I say spending a lot of time together, this has mostly been getting together at weekends... for meals out, movie nights in, walking, shopping trips, etc. - we have even taken 3 great holidays together (9+ days each time and are planning another for next year) and get on really well, having great fun and never falling out. We share common interests, which we enjoy together and also get each other's sense of humour. My feelings for her have obviously only intensified during this time, but she doesn't appear to be interested in anything other than friendship, keeping me well and truly at arms length.

I opened up to her sometime ago and told her how much I like her and that I hope that one day we can be more than best of friends. Her response is that she isn't sure whether or not she is able to 'deliver what I want' and she is 'happy with the way things are right now', but when she describes the personal qualities she looks for in a man, she admits that I tick all of the boxes? I have to say its very confusing for me, as I don't know if one day she will be on the same page as me, or not. I am coming to the conclusion that she doesn't feel the chemistry which I think is so very important to her.

I want to wait for her if it is time she needs to be sure, as I think we could be really good together, but am I just a hopeless romantic on the receiving end of unrequited love?

She genuinely seems to want to spend a lot of time with me, i.e. its not always me initiating contact or suggesting we do things together, so it appears that she wants to continue seeing me, even though she knows how I feel. She is a genuine, very honest person, so I don't feel that she would continue to do this in the knowledge that she could ultimately reject me - perhaps she is just keeping her options open? She also states that she thinks I need to be on my own for a longer period of time before embarking on another relationship (with anyone).

I am feeling vulnerable though because as we spend more and more time together and my feelings grow ever stronger, the potential for hurt increases. I have thought long and hard about this and although I don't really want to spend my time with another woman, I guess my options are:

- accept that it will never happen and continue with the very close platonic friendship, whilst trying to switch off thoughts of anything more;

- continue spending time with her, in the hope of more one day;

- walk away and find someone who wants me as much as I want them (problem with this option is that I only really want her and more importantly, certainly don't want to lose what we have as friends).

We really do both enjoy what we have very much and if we just stopped seeing each other, I know we would both miss each other a lot, but my feelings are my feelings and I can't switch them off.

I'd appreciate any comments and thoughts, as its good to talk

I'm really sorry, OP, but you are quite correct that this is a case of unrequited love, or more correctly, a complete lack of chemistry and sexual attraction to you on her part.

The difference between friendship and a romantic relationship is that sexual attraction/chemistry. When it's not there, you just have a friend and you really can't force or make chemistry happen.

I don't recommend that you keep waiting. You've known each other for years. You have both been single and available. You have spent a tremendous amount of time together doing all kinds of things, including traveling. If after all this, she still isn't interested, it means she won't be. If there was even a tiny bit of potential, it would have already happened.

I also think that you need to actually distance yourself from this friendship until you no longer have these strong feelings/desire for more. You can't form a happy, healthy relationship with a woman who actually wants you, when you are so stuck emotionally on the one who doesn't. You've got to let yourself cool off and move on. Time to remember that you have other friends and other things to do or make new friends, explore new hobbies. Not saying that you have to end the friendship, only that you need to distance yourself temporarily and invest time into yourself and moving on emotionally. Unfortunately, real life is not a romantic movie and feeding yourself with that idea leaves you very alone and lonely in the end. Time to stop, get over her and find a woman who will love you and invest in that relationship fully.

It sounds like she is being there as a good friend, after your breakup. What was the breakup about? Did it have to do with this female friend and being a bit too friendly? Are you no contact with the ex? Your friend also may realize you are rebounding.

Unfortunately she wants to keep it friends only. It may be best to pull back from her and start dating again to find women who are interested in a relationship..

I split from my partner 18 months ago and during the last 12 month have been spending a lot of time with one of my best friends, who I known for 40 years now - she has been single for 8 years and as she says 'is resigned to a life of being single'.

I'm really sorry, OP, but you are quite correct that this is a case of unrequited love, or more correctly, a complete lack of chemistry and sexual attraction to you on her part.

The difference between friendship and a romantic relationship is that sexual attraction/chemistry. When it's not there, you just have a friend and you really can't force or make chemistry happen.

 

I don't recommend that you keep waiting. You've known each other for years. You have both been single and available. You have spent a tremendous amount of time together doing all kinds of things, including traveling. If after all this, she still isn't interested, it means she won't be. If there was even a tiny bit of potential, it would have already happened.

 

I also think that you need to actually distance yourself from this friendship until you no longer have these strong feelings/desire for more. You can't form a happy, healthy relationship with a woman who actually wants you, when you are so stuck emotionally on the one who doesn't. You've got to let yourself cool off and move on. Time to remember that you have other friends and other things to do or make new friends, explore new hobbies. Not saying that you have to end the friendship, only that you need to distance yourself temporarily and invest time into yourself and moving on emotionally. Unfortunately, real life is not a romantic movie and feeding yourself with that idea leaves you very alone and lonely in the end. Time to stop, get over her and find a woman who will love you and invest in that relationship fully.

Great advice.

You sound like terrific friends, but that is it.

I too, think that you need to distance yourself, until you feelings have cleared. You will only become more frustrated and hurt, as she will not reciprocate your feelings- she may also realize how much she cares about you, once she doesn't have her buddy around. You are also preventing yourself from meeting someone who can return your feelings, as you are spending so much time with her.

I suggest that you express your feelings, and tell her that you cannot hangout anymore, as it is too painful. If she changes her feelings, she knows where to find you.

It sounds like she is being there as a good friend, after your breakup. What was the breakup about? Did it have to do with this female friend and being a bit too friendly? Are you no contact with the ex? Your friend also may realize you are rebounding.

 

Unfortunately she wants to keep it friends only. It may be best to pull back from her and start dating again to find women who are interested in a relationship..

Thank you for replying. The breakup was ultimately about a loss of trust (see my previous thread) and was not at all connected with my friend. I have been no contact with the ex for nearly a year now - I don't think its about her being there for me just as a good friend to help me through, as we enjoy doing so many things together.

Great advice.

 

You sound like terrific friends, but that is it.

 

I too, think that you need to distance yourself, until you feelings have cleared.

Thank you for your reply. Yes, we are great friends and do have an amazing time, which is why it is so hard for me to think about giving this up. Unfortunately, I don't think distancing myself will result in my feelings changing, but do appreciate that could be the only answer... only time would tell.

Of course, I could take my first option too and just come to terms with the fact that it will always be purely a friendship. The problem is I can't imagine not continuing to see her...

Man that is a tough situation. I feel for you. It would be so hard to give up a good friendship. I usually have good advice on here but that's a doozy of a problem. Too bad we can't just shut off our feelings for someone. Seems that hanging out with them only intensifies them. What's rough is when they start showing romantic interest in SOMEONE ELSE. That will probably happen eventually...just to warn you. So it's either keep the good friendship and get heartbroken eventually or stop hanging out. You could try the distance thing as it may lessen the feelings but probably not by much.

I think the only option is to try and find someone else you like MORE that way you can keep the friendship with her, but I know that's easier said than done!

You could try the distance thing as it may lessen the feelings but probably not by much.

 

I think the only option is to try and find someone else you like MORE that way you can keep the friendship with her, but I know that's easier said than done!

Thanks for your reply. As you say the distance thing could work, but I don't know to what extent that would change my underlying feelings... just being with her is something I've wanted for a long time and we're having great fun, just on a plutonic level. She has also been hurt in the past and has quite a dim view of men in general and relationships, so tbh I think any man will struggle to get any form of commitment - she keeps saying I need time too, so maybe she is keeping me close until she believes I'm ready for another relationship? Perhaps I'm too full on as well and just easing back making arrangements etc. may be the best option, as I'm not then saying that's it, we can't continue (which seems a little too final and counter-productive to me, not to mention very hard to do).

With regards to finding someone else I like more, I agree that's easier said than done and I would probably be on a date wondering why I'm there, when really I want to be with someone else - not fair on anyone really. So an element of time out and re-focus on other activities is maybe the way to go...