Am I reading way too much into this or is he not bothered?

Hi. Maybe I’m overthinking but just want to check as I’m unsure. I’ve been seeing a guy for over a month now. I asked him did he want to do something tomorrow afternoon and he replied yea we can if you want to. I’m just thrown by the “if you want to” like does he not want to? It sounds like he’s doing me a favour and not really bothered. Am I right or reading way too much into it?

It's a colloquialism.

I don’t understand?

"Yeah we can if you want to." Ugh!

 

Colloquialism or not, I'd find that off putting too from a man I "just" started dating.

 

Not saying this is what he's thinking, but I would interpret it as he doesn't want to take responsibility for the relationship, he's putting it on you.

 

His attitude being, "if *you* want to, sure why not?? No skin off my nose."

 

It's a very clever twist of words, and personally I'd be turned off. It's little things like this that often go ignored or get brushed off, which is a mistake in my opinion.

 

I think this may be why (one reason) it's advised to let the man do the initiating in the very early stages. So you know he's into it (and you) for the right reasons, and not just going along for the ride until he meets someone he likes better.

 

How did you respond?

I didn’t say anything yet as I wanted to seek advice whether I was reading too much into it or not. How should I respond?

“It sounds like you’re not really into meeting up today. No worries!l

I didn’t say anything yet as I wanted to seek advice whether I was reading too much into it or not. How should I respond?

 

I don't know, it depends on how you are feeling. Do you still want to go? It's your choice.

 

How has everything else been going? Has he been showing interest, initiating? How many dates have you had in this one month period?

 

Or conversely, has he displayed apathy on other occasions or is this the first time?

 

How about you, have *you* displayed sufficient enthusiasm and interest? Have you had sex yet?

 

We need more context, it's impossible to know what he's thinking with the limited amount of info you provided.

That’s what I should reply?

That’s what I should reply?

 

I would not recommend that response Sugarloaf.

 

It's presumptuous and snarky in my opinion.

I don't know, it depends on how you are feeling. Do you still want to go? It's your choice.

 

How has everything else been going? Has he been showing interest, initiating? How many dates have you had in this one month period?

 

Or conversely, has he displayed apathy on other occasions or is this the first time?

 

How about you, have *you* displayed sufficient enthusiasm and interest? Have you had sex yet?

 

We need more context, it's impossible to know what he's thinking with the limited amount of info you provided.

 

Well it’s been just over the month actually about 5-6 weeks roughly. We usually see each other 2/3 time so per week and have been on dates and I’ve stayed over. Only recently began having sex in the past 2 weeks as he was the one that wanted to delay having it and wanted to get to know each other first. So now I’m confused and thinking he is trying to push me away gently. Should I read into it or just let it go and assume he does want to meet?

I think that you are actually over thinking this.

 

You texted him a vague suggestion to do something.... he basically responded that he is free to do whatever it is you want to do. It's on you to respond with a plan since you did inviting.

 

This comes across to me almost a little passive aggressive on your end. Like you wanted to see him, sent out a vague suggestion and then were hoping that he'll jump to and make plans for you. Don't do that to yourself. After a month, you should plan a date here and there as well if you want to see him.

Sorry for all the questions, but is this the first time you have initiated?

 

If not, how has he responded when you have initiated previously?

 

That said, I am a firm believer in following your gut.

 

If you feel he's distancing himself a bit, he probably is.

 

Which isn't necessarily a bad thing in these early stages; if this were me, I'd probably give him the space and wait for him to initiate again.

 

Do not have attitude!!!

I don’t understand?

Similar to when you've ever agreed to do something with a, "Yeah, that might be fun." It's not some calculated, hedged response telling someone you're thinking how it could end up not being fun. Obviously, if he's rolling his eyes and muttering it under his breath, take the hint and react accordingly. Otherwise, it's common enough for people to say something like that reflexively that you'd be looking for drama to seek out some offense from it.

 

Besides which, you're fitting him in last minute to "do something." Not that I think there's anything wrong or offensive about that, but if we're going to go with the topic of men initiating, that's not an effort too many women are going to provide an elated response to. Sounds fair enough to me even if the guy consciously responded with proportionate ambivalence. If you'd offered to take him out for dinner at a place and time and he responded with, "yeah, I guess," I might be willing to consider throwing you a bone.

 

Or take it literally. He wants to do something if you want to. Better than wanting to do something if you don't want to.

 

Focus on your time together, not how you can spin innocuous rhetoric. As for how to respond, you offered a vague suggestion. He agreed. The natural course of action would be for you to turn "something" into something.

Is this a change in dating for the past month? Did he follow up? It sounds indifferent. Is he usually this lame about getting together?

I asked him did he want to do something tomorrow afternoon and he replied yea we can if you want to.

j.man makes good points too and he's a man, so........

 

How about giving him the benefit of the doubt, go, and see how it plays out?

 

If he's checking out, you will be able to sense it on the actual date itself, texting is ambiguous.

Yea a bit of a change. Usually he asks me to meet or else we will arrange when we see each other. I just felt he was a bit passive.

 

I have initiated in the past and he has responded more positively like what do you want to do? He can be pretty indecisive about planning things and usually just asks me to call to his house and we decide then what we feel like.

 

Its just for some reason this response felt a bit cool but again I do tend to overanalyse by nature hence why I am here seeking advice. Looking at it from another point if he didnt want to do anything at all would he have said yes?

j.man makes good points too and he's a man, so........

 

How about giving him the benefit of the doubt, go, and see how it plays out?

 

If he's checking out, you will be able to sense it on the actual date itself, texting is ambiguous.

 

Yea I will but now I feel like im pushing him and hes not fully in it so I feel a bit off in a way. Your a girl Im sure you get it lol. I feel like im going to be awkward now because I feel like hes checking out ya know and that will make things worse

Yea I will but now I feel like im pushing him and hes not fully in it so I feel a bit off in a way. Your a girl Im sure you get it lol. I feel like im going to be awkward now because I feel like hes checking out ya know and that will make things worse

 

Understand completely! Given what you just posted, if this were me, since there was no set plan made and you are sensing indifference, do nothing and let him have his space.

 

Wait for him to reach out, and again if/when he does, be open, do not have attitude.

 

You know better than any of us, you have been the one dating him!

 

Follow your gut!

One other thing I just noticed.. his tinder location has updated which from my knowledge of tinder means he is still using the app? We are not exclusive or had any sort of talk yet so I know he’s entitled to still look etc. I don’t believe he is meeting others (could be very wrong) but if what he tells me is true about what he does during his day etc then I don’t think so. Should this be a cause for concern or again me overthinking?

I have never used Tinder so have no idea what it means.

 

Again, unless you have a history of over-reacting and self-sabotaging just follow your own intuition here.

 

Personally, I'd be very bothered if a man I had been dating 2-3 times per week and having sex with was still skulking around on a dating app or website (exclusivity talk or not).

 

And then when I initiated getting together, he responded with "yeah we can if you want to," when normally he showed much more interest and enthusiasm.

 

Also, he's not stupid, don't think he doesn't realize how that response came across. Unless he's completely unaware of subtle dating nuances, he knows perfectly well it came off as indifference.

He's not interested. He's on dating apps and wants you to chase, while he lays back and makes you feel like he doesn't give a hoot one way or the other. There's no potential here. He's a lazy putz. Get back on dating apps yourself and dump this guy. It's only 4 weeks so cut your losses. Next time, have the exclusive talk when you start having sex.

He can be pretty indecisive about planning things and usually just asks me to call to his house and we decide then what we feel like.

Why are men so confusing!

Why are men so confusing!

 

Is it not too early to have the exclusive talk though?

 

Sugarloaf, it's best to not attach any sort of time frame to (1) when to have sex, and (2) when to have the exclusivity talk.

 

You do these things when you are comfortable with doing those things!

 

Learn to be comfortable "in your own skin" and with your own decisions. It's called having confidence and men can sense that, and it will draw them to you.

 

If you're walking on eggshells about every little thing (i.e. when to do this or that, what does this mean, etc.), that will also come across (as anxiety and insecurity, not being comfortable with yourself) which is a turn off.

 

Trust your own intuition, trust yourself to make the right decisions -- for you!

Your right your 100% right. Being honest I don’t have any desire to label things I am happy with the way they were. But I do have a fear of been just ghosted or slow faded as this has happened before and it hurt a lot. Hence why I hang on every word and jump on things as I’m afraid and look for little signs which may indicate the start of it happening again

Ooof.

 

There is almost some version of this, at this point, in all new relationships. Heck, I'm in one myself that I may post about, but I'm awfully (annoyingly) shy about exposing myself. But enough about me...

 

My read on this is that you're both feeling a lot of things, probably more than you both know. You're excited. You're scared. Sometimes more scared than excited, sometimes not. Sex does that to people—it's the best part, but the prices of admission to all that glory is a new layer of anxiety. You like things exactly how they are, but you also want them to keep evolving. Some people reach for a label to contain the anxiety, to allow for that evolution, others let it expand a bit. There's no right answer.

 

Take a deep breath. You don't want to be ghosted, you don't want the slow fade—you've been there, you know it hurts. But also? You survived! You're strong and awesome and resilient! Remember THAT. That is the biggest truth here, whether this is going south right now or in 20 years.

 

Because you're not going to hedge against being ghosted/slow faded by sending vague texts and hoping for a concrete response. He's mirroring you, you're mirroring him, you're both hedging a bit, maybe for the same reasons, maybe not. Maybe he's kind of freaked out after a few weeks of sex and isn't handling it so nobly, just as you're not handling this exchange so nobly, because life! You've both lost your sense of humor, which happens! Try to find THAT place—that place that exists regardless of labels, that place where this whole thing is about two people exploring each other and being really excited about it and really scared.