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Thread: old delusional patterns after an episode of illness - it is going to hurt

  1. #1
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    old delusional patterns after an episode of illness - it is going to hurt

    I am currently recovering from an episode of a thought disorder, or a psychosis of sorts, which my psychiatrist thinks was caused by finding my lowest therapeutic dose of my antipsychotic medication. Since I have been unwell, I have taken more of an interest in a particular individual that I have always had a problem with during this illness. My psychologist calls him 'music man'.

    Ever since my early 20s when this illness first manifested in my life, I have developed a kind of 'attachment' to a man who I believe (when I am ill) communicates with me indirectly through his music and through the web. Even writing this out loud makes me realise just how RIDICULOUS it sounds. The most logical explanation is that I am 'reading meaning into innocuous stimuli' as my psychiatrist said last week when he read the definition of my SYMPTOMS.

    It does feel good to say this out loud. It feels like I can let it go.

    Tonight, I have been reaching out to hear his music even more than normal, and it landed me fair and square back in 2005, when he released a compilation album. Listening to that album tonight makes me realise just how much this association has BURNED me in the past.

    I don't want to continue on this loop when I know that it is going to hurt. It has REALLY hurt every other time I end up slamming into his world.

    Even though I know that NOW is the time to step back and to step away from the music, it is hard, because it is so addictive, and he is such an interesting person. The more I learn about him, the more I want to know.

    So, I need some kind of block on my mind, heart and soul, to cut him out of my life again. I was doing so well! He was a distant memory, until I got sick, and the whole thing has come back into the foreground. As my psychologist said: nothing has changed, except for the fact that I have been suffering from illness. That is the only thing that has changed, so I think it is my perspective which needs to heal.

    Any advice or help appreciated. I know that it does not reflect well on my character, but maybe opening up about this toxic pattern will help me to get past it.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Watch "A Beautiful Mind".
    Originally Posted by Chai
    I need some kind of block on my mind, heart and soul, to cut him out of my life again.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    Thanks! Will do :-)

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    Do you have a local support group you can attend? I would try that so you can share your experience with those who have been through it. They may be able to offer you practical solutions and advice that we canít, as we havenít experienced it. Has your psycologist recommended a course of action to help? Have you discussed potential solutions? Can you get out and visit friends to take your mind off music man? Can you avoid the internet for progressively extended periods each day? Hope you feel better soon.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    What does your psychiatrist say?

    Iíve said this before, we can offer you moral support but we arenít even kinda equipped to properly advise you about any of this.

    Just know people are out here rooting for you. But you need to follow your Doctors and families advice, not ours.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    Thanks thornz, a local support group sounds like a good plan. I am also seeing my psychologist in a few weeks so hopefully she will be able to help. I think for now, I am just going to let this 'reality check' soak into my behaviour and try to stay away from his socials as much as possible.

    I can't avoid the internet, because I work with the internet, but I think I could perhaps avoid music man for progressively extended periods.

    Thanks for your thoughts and your help!!

  8. #7
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    Hi figureitout23,

    Thanks for your thoughts! My psychiatrist provided me with the definition of my symptoms and helped me to see that this 'reading into' innocuous stimuli is part of my disease. When I saw the psychiatrist last week, I was in a bit of a lull with music man, and had removed the stimulus from my world, so I only mentioned it in passing, but the fact that I wasn't thinking these things 6 - 12 months ago, suggests that it is something to do with my disease. I will definitely talk to him about this if it is still here in a couple of weeks time.

    I completely understand that ENA does not have the capacity to advise me with regard to my psychotic illness. I really appreciate your support and will definitely take your advice and talk to my doctor and my family.

    Thanks again :-)
    Chai

  9. #8
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    For what it's worth, I do not think it reflects on poor character at all. It's part of the illness, it doesn't mean you are a bad person at all.

    I think you are strong and determined. You keep working towards health, even when it's not easy. I admire that and am rooting for you.

  10. #9
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    Thank you so much itsallgrand. I really appreciate your support.

    :-)

  11. #10
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    I'm so happy you're seeking proper treatment.

    Trust in your doctor to provide you with the correct diagnosis, treatment, and medication.

    I'm rooting for you.


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