Ex's ex and my sons wedding

I'll try to be brief.

When I met my ex H he had an off and on again gf from high school that I wasn't initially aware of. I was young and niave and ultimately forgave him for leading us both on and cheating on both of us. I actually caught him in bed with her.

(spare the lectures. The person I am today 35 years later would make different choices)

I/we endured years of her stalking him, threatening to kill herself and popping in and out of our lives for our entire 18 year marriage. In the end when our marriage was on it's last leg and everyone pretty much knew, I received a vm from her. I will never know if he ever really cheating on me (again) at the end of our marriage because she's kookie enough to create drama where there isn't any, just to get what she wanted. In the end it didn't matter, I wanted out. That was one of the many last straws.

Fast forward, we've been divorced for 18 years. It's the same amount of time we were married.

For every occasion we have had to be in the same room, he has always taken the opportunity to show case his new girlfriend, where as I have brought my mother. My sons have always been in the middle and it just worked out that it was easier to forgo awkwardness and not bring a boyfriend. Not that he has to follow my example but I have embraced his girlfriends and have been gracious at times when it wasn't easy. He continually tries to push my buttons get a rise out of me and seeing that its what he's after, I won't give him the satisfaction. My oldest sons graduation from the fire academy he was so outrageous, I just quietly left to stop the drama.

I just got a call from my brothers wife. She does not know the high school sweet heart but at a recent 4 year combined high school reunion, the ex gf asked my sister in law if she was married to my brother (stating his name) and proceeded to tell her she would be attending my sons wedding. It's a destination 3 day get-a way wedding. Without going into tedious details, I don't doubt she said this to my sis in law so it would get back to me.

So here I sit trying to wrap my head around this. I do not care for one fat minute that the two of them are seeing each other. It makes perfect sense and they deserve each other.

It pains me to know that that the father of my children is willing to risk taking any moment away from our youngest son's wedding by placing a powder keg right in the middle of it.

I will not create drama, but when I am uncomfortable I have a bad habit of wanting to flee. I shouldn't be dreading my sons wedding and looking for the exit.

I will not be gracious to this nut case and my ex, so don't suggest it.

But at the same time I will not seek them out to be rude. But when in the face of either of them, I will not acknowledge them.

I am just venting at the moment and trying to adjust my thoughts and feelings so I can get through these three days.

He has know that this is such an `in your face' move on his part. I am frustrated that it bothers me so much.

I guess I am just looking for pep talk.

Just keep repeating in your head this is your child’s day. ❤️

Does your son want this woman there? Its up to him, really.

I think you are going to have to suck it up and take one for the team here.

I will not be gracious to this nut case and my ex, so don't suggest it.

 

...

 

He has know that this is such an `in your face' move on his part. I am frustrated that it bothers me so much.

I'm not going to say "Don't let it bother you" either. It does, so work up a strategy to deal with the situation.

Best if you try to relax and enjoy the wedding, I'd say. If you go in there with a siege mentality that is what it'll be.

I would try and be civil - doesn't mean gracious or nice, just civil. If she starts with the drama just shake your head and walk away.

You might want to marshal some resources - get a couple of friends/relatives to run interference, by which I mean if they see the ex's ex working up to creating some drama with you, they come and grab you and tell you have sort something out with the hotel or something.. "Excuse me, I have to go ..." Or, for variation they can head her off and take her to meet someone else or something.

At the risk of sounding evilly Machiavellian, perhaps she is the one who is going to end up frustrated and have a melt down - at which point your son, and hopefully the bride's family, will tell your ex to get her out of there. Do try not to gloat if that happens.

Does your son want this woman there? Its up to him, really.

I totally agree. It's up to your son, not your ex. You should honestly sit down and talk to your son and explain the situation, openly and honestly.

If he understands at all, he will send the invite to his dad and ONLY his dad, no plus one.

You're his mother, you have a right to express your concern and you have a right to be comfortable at his wedding. Also as his mom, you're the one who should be thought of first and not this nut case or the drama causing ex husband.

First, talk to your son and see if different arrangements can be worked out. Your ex should not be allowed to be this big of an ass.

I would encourage you not to involve your son in this. It is supposed to be his happy day. I remember my wedding being marred by everyone else’s issue. I was not allowed to have my own father at my reception because my soon to be step father didn’t want him there . My dad crying because he couldn’t be there . My grandparents boycotting my wedding because my dad couldn’t be there .

My mom in her speech where she should have been accepting my husband to the family going on at GREAT length about HER impending nuptials and his GREAT family she had invited to MY wedding.

Thanks guys! Awesome. I am sure you can tell how I feel about that almost 25 years later . 25 years later! Yup still annoyed. Personally I think you should keep your personal issues out of your son’s wedding . Your issues with your ex-husband are not his issues . He is both a part of you and a part of your ex . He should not be expected to choose and fight with his parents on his wedding day . It is something I was forced to do and I’m still annoyed 25 years later please for the love of God don’t do that .

Personally I think you should keep your personal issues out of your son’s wedding . Your issues with your ex-husband are not his issues . He is both a part of you and a part of your ex . He should not be expected to choose and fight with his parents on his wedding day . It is something I was forced to do and I’m still annoyed 25 years later please for the love of God don’t do that .

Yes, yes & yes.

Hence my comment:

"I think you are going to have to suck it up and take one for the team here."

It's normal for divorced parents to be invited with their plus one. 🙂 Are you bringing your bf? Just be polite, if and when needed and otherwise focus on your son not your ex husband or his date. Don't ruin your son's day.

During your marriage, she could not have been this stalking, lunatic ex-girlfriend without your ex's consent.

People write this all the time, about an ex of their current partner not leaving them alone, and the common advice is that the partner simply needs to block, delete. Your ex never did that in the marriage, so he was just as complicit.

Methinks he enjoys the triangulation.

He's getting off on just the thought of you and her on this island, with nowhere to go without a plane. (cue dastardly laughs from him.....).

I 100000% get the discomfort.

No, you don't have to be gracious. But your best defense is to act gracious.

Acting gracious (even if it's pretend) will accomplish so many things here:

-Keep your son's wedding a nice, calm event

-Unnerve your ex-husband. It will make him squirm!

-Unnerve her. The sweeter you are to her, the more uncomfortable she'll be in her skin

I repeat, I said "act", not "be", gracious. Walk over to her, give her a warm smile, and tell her how happy you are that she's joined you all for the big event. Give your ex the warmest smile too and tell him how happy you are that you could all celebrate together. I know, I know.....gag......but I promise, you will not only diffuse any drama, you will make your son's memory a happy one.

She, or he, or both, will likely try to get at you. They will get up and do a toast together, or they will take over the dance floor. Here's the most important part: do not, I repeat not, walk away! This is your son's wedding. Let them act like idiots. You, my friend, will act like the gracious, warm angel we all know you to be.

Neither of my sons know the history, nor do I want them too.

My sons wedding is not the time to enlighten them either.

I am taking in all that was said.

Can't write much more now, but I'll check back later.

So, reinevent, if you want to keep them out of it - which is a good choice - do what you know is good and is good for the bridal couple.

Whether that is what I said, or is what LH gel said is not to the point.

You have to take one for family harmony here.

I would suppress my own issues and do it.

I do not care for one fat minute that the two of them are seeing each other.

This^. You do not care. You don't have to care. You haven't been married for 18 years, which is good, let who he brings be meaningless to you. It isn't about you. Your ex is free to be with anyone he wants.

I do not care for one fat minute that the two of them are seeing each other. It makes perfect sense and they deserve each other.

It pains me to know that that the father of my children is willing to risk taking any moment away from our youngest son's wedding by placing a powder keg right in the middle of it.

I will not create drama, but when I am uncomfortable I have a bad habit of wanting to flee. I shouldn't be dreading my sons wedding and looking for the exit.

I will not be gracious to this nut case and my ex, so don't suggest it.

 

But at the same time I will not seek them out to be rude. But when in the face of either of them, I will not acknowledge them.

I am just venting at the moment and trying to adjust my thoughts and feelings so I can get through these three days.

 

He has know that this is such an `in your face' move on his part.

It is not a powder keg unless you make it one. It is not "in your face", it is his date. It has been 18 years. It is not about you. This one is on you. Be gracious for your son AND your health.

we've been divorced for 18 years.

Your ex never did that in the marriage, so he was just as complicit.

 

Methinks he enjoys the triangulation.

 

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Agree. even before the days of social media, the phone company could block a number, you could tell someone to STOP, you could get a restraining order, have security bar them from entering your place of business (if its not a public place like a mall or something).

If speaking to your son is out of the question, then all you have to do is ignore, be polite and focus on anything else but them at the wedding.

You don't have to react to him or to whatever they do or say in fact, don't react, don't give either of them that power.

You can do this. It's one day in your life, don't allow these insignificant people to ruin any of it. Focus on your son's happiness.

You got this.

I broke down and called my ex and he said he wasn't taking her and agreed it would be in poor taste.

He said he had spoken to her a month ago and mentioned the wedding just in passing but at no time suggested an invitation.

It just goes to show how much of a nut she still is - and has been.

So to those who say it had nothing to do with me. . Well, surely that's correct if I choose to look at it that way, because after all it is a choice

But I am human after all and wont deny that these people have hurt me in the past. To tell someone they are not entitled to their feelings isn't always helpful.

I am stronger than most but far from totally evolved.

Unless you are Dahli Lama or something close it is human to have reactions to things and people who have meant you harm in the past. That's what makes us human.

In the end, I would have been the bigger person. I've done so in the past and can do so if needed again.

The news had rattled me and I was raw when I came here last night seeking help to find my balance

To the rest of you, thank you for the support.

As always, D'

Absolutely one is entitled to their feelings. I am glad you called your ex. I just didn’t want you to make it your son’s issue because people almost destroyed my wedding with their BS.

Of course you are entitled to your feelings. Expecting others to cow tow to them when you're basing your current feelings on ancient history is an entitlement of a different nature.

Oh believe me, I get that seeing him, and especially him with her, would cause ill feelings to arise, even after all these years.

I was engaged to someone like, a hundred years ago, who broke things off with me, and many years later, it was confirmed to me that my suspicions of him having cheated on me were accurate. This was literally 30 years ago, and it still unnerves me when I run into him.

I shouldn't still have these feelings that arise, but they're there. So I completely get where you're coming from.

I'm glad you got it sorted and that it will be a much less tense day. Feeling relief for you.

he said he wasn't taking her and agreed it would be in poor taste.

Good... . . .

Expecting others to cow tow to them when you're basing your current feelings on ancient history is an entitlement of a different nature.

Wow, I'll just ignore that comment.

Expecting others to cow tow to them when you're basing your current feelings on ancient history is an entitlement of a different nature.

The lack of sensitivity in this post is mind-boggling.

The lack of sensitivity in this post is mind-boggling.

Sensitivity goes in all directions, though. This is simply about her son and future-daughter-in-law's wedding. She is allowed to feel her feelings of course. And sure, I've been in her son's shoes, and very much appreciate that my mother didn't make it about her feelings and a powder keg when my dad brought his new girl friend that had caused her so much pain. Yes, it was hard for everyone involved, but not impossible, and not dramatic. And I was very sympathetic toward my mom. It's a step for all for moving on from the past. If my ex brought an old flame to my son's weddings it certainly would bring up old painful feelings for me, but I know that is my issue, not anyone else's, and I don't make a practice of asking people to change their plans based on my hurt that started 18 or 30 or 10 years ago. However, at my age, I know a number of people in their 50's and 60's and 70's who daily carry hurts from their past from people long out of their lives, and voice these hurts repeatedly, bringing up and sharing and spreading old pain. The need so share misery is something we can do in the right settings, but we have to use discretion in doing so. So I am simply saying the OP can be sensitive to her son and future daughter-in-law for the few hours of the wedding and celebration. Those hours are not about her, right?

But to say I was suggesting anyone `cow tow' to my feelings and somehow feeling `entitled' tells me you didn't read my original post, yet projected your own experience instead.

There I go . .I said I would ignore the comment, but didn't.

But to say I was suggesting anyone `cow tow' to my feelings and somehow feeling `entitled' tells me you didn't read my original post, yet projected your own experience instead.

 

There I go . .I said I would ignore the comment, but didn't.

The bolded is what I was responding to as well.

In no way did reinventmyself ever suggest anyone "cow tow", nor did she ever sound entitled.

If that was what was believed to have been inferred, then that's on the person interpreting it, as I do not believe it was intended.

In any event, I'm glad your ex has seen the light and is not bringing her. Best wishes on the wedding!

I've come very late to this discussion, but I'm so glad for you that the dreaded isn't going to happen. It would have been excruciating.

At least your ex is sensitive to that, and I'm sure you'd have handled the situation with dignity if it had arisen - but it's great that you can relax and enjoy such a momentous family occasion!