EnglishRose9 Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 I’m about 10 weeks post break up now and no contact for nearly 3 weeks after putting a stop to the “FWB” situation I was in with my ex. The only contact I’ve had is being civil/polite at the club we both attend, and I’ve only seen him once which was over a week ago. I’m doing all the right things I think such as developing my career, spending time with friends and family, picking up hobbies I had neglected, speaking to a therapist once a week, so my life is full of positive stuff. However, I’m still having these awful waves of sadness and the overwhelming urge to unblock and make contact although I haven’t. Is this normal? I just want my man back! I know he wasn’t giving me what I needed in the relationship and I know he’s acted selfishly etc but I can’t stop missing him. Weekends seem to be the hardest. Most of the time I’m feeling really strong and positive but these feelings just appear from nowhere! I feel jealous when my friends talk about their relationships and when I see couples out together. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Totally normal to feel this way, even though you made a good decision. I know it seems crazy, but it is true. A LOT of people go through what you are going through right now. Link to comment
Sleeplessinp Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Normal. We all have ups and downs and for each relationship we have, the time it takes to get over it is different. Keep moving forward (I'm going through the same thing now too) I wish the best for you. Link to comment
bluecastle Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Oh, so normal! I don't know how long you were together, but 10 weeks is still a blink of an eye, especially with the FWB phase and light contact still flickering in the rearview mirror. Whatever the nature of the breakup, and no matter how thoroughly we know it's for the best, it doesn't change the fact that there is a very real void in our lives: space where there was once a person, just ourselves where there was once someone to touch us, kiss us, roll around with us, order takeout with us. Adapting to that void—just accepting it—is a real process. Because a void is a void. It never goes away. It just softens, shrinks in power. It doesn't get filled by the "right things" like friends and hobbies and career and therapy, just as it doesn't get filled with "bad things" like wanton drug use, rebound relationships, one night stands, whatever. Those are just the ways we deal with the void, cope with it as we learn to live with it. And bravo for choosing the non-self-destructive path. I'm nearly a year out of a relationship that I 100 percent accept was meant to end. I've been committed to the "right things," and have cleared plenty of hurdles. Haven't physically seen my ex since last November, and the last iota of contact was a snarky text from her back in March that I ignored. I've moved forward, largely moved on, and am currently exploring new romance with openness and intention. My new romance exists outside that void; it's not to fill it, or replace my ex. It's just a new thing, my life in the present tense, that will go where it goes. Still, I get the occasional wave you've described. I'll be riding my motorcycle, happy as a clam, and I'll suddenly remember the weight of my ex's hands on my shoulders. And there's that jolt of sadness. And I acknowledge it: oh, hey, void—I see you. It's just part of who I am now, not a thing to fight, just like I can flashback wistfully to 20 years ago, when I was in high school. Like all the parts that make up who I am, the void is constantly changing shape in small ways. Learning to accept that, rather than fight it or judge myself, was a whole process in itself. Not sure that helps or gives perspective. Rambling poetic-speak for: it's all good. Acknowledge the feelings—there's information there, lessons. Trust that the intensity fades and fades, as you keep doing what you're doing. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Yes normal. Especially if you’re still referring to him as ‘your man’ and thinking that door is still available for you to walk through. Getting rid of that last shred of hope is killer. Keep going, you got this! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Totally normal. I suggest you seek out new clubs. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 "Dinner was fine, had a chat and a laugh. Went back to his and he did try and hook up. I stopped him and said unless we’re going to try again it’s not something I can do. He doesn’t want to try again so I left. No drama. I’ve re-blocked and looking forward now. There’s no more “what if’s” and I won’t accept an invitation again. I’m not upset, slightly disappointed but I need to focus on me now." Put this on your fridge, and blow it up. Link to comment
DanZee Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 I agree with Hollyj. This guy let his parents tell him what to do. He said he had no feelings for you. He didn't see a future with you. He gave you the old "it's not you, it's me" excuse. And then he tried to get you in a FWB situation. You might have been the one that was crazy in love, but it doesn't sound like he ever "felt it." The relationship was all one sided and you were probably ignoring a lot of warning signs. You're grieving over the loss of your relationship, not over the loss of this guy. You need to find a nice guy who deserves your love. Link to comment
EnglishRose9 Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 Oh, so normal! I don't know how long you were together, but 10 weeks is still a blink of an eye, especially with the FWB phase and light contact still flickering in the rearview mirror. Whatever the nature of the breakup, and no matter how thoroughly we know it's for the best, it doesn't change the fact that there is a very real void in our lives: space where there was once a person, just ourselves where there was once someone to touch us, kiss us, roll around with us, order takeout with us. Adapting to that void—just accepting it—is a real process. Because a void is a void. It never goes away. It just softens, shrinks in power. It doesn't get filled by the "right things" like friends and hobbies and career and therapy, just as it doesn't get filled with "bad things" like wanton drug use, rebound relationships, one night stands, whatever. Those are just the ways we deal with the void, cope with it as we learn to live with it. And bravo for choosing the non-self-destructive path. I'm nearly a year out of a relationship that I 100 percent accept was meant to end. I've been committed to the "right things," and have cleared plenty of hurdles. Haven't physically seen my ex since last November, and the last iota of contact was a snarky text from her back in March that I ignored. I've moved forward, largely moved on, and am currently exploring new romance with openness and intention. My new romance exists outside that void; it's not to fill it, or replace my ex. It's just a new thing, my life in the present tense, that will go where it goes. Still, I get the occasional wave you've described. I'll be riding my motorcycle, happy as a clam, and I'll suddenly remember the weight of my ex's hands on my shoulders. And there's that jolt of sadness. And I acknowledge it: oh, hey, void—I see you. It's just part of who I am now, not a thing to fight, just like I can flashback wistfully to 20 years ago, when I was in high school. Like all the parts that make up who I am, the void is constantly changing shape in small ways. Learning to accept that, rather than fight it or judge myself, was a whole process in itself. Not sure that helps or gives perspective. Rambling poetic-speak for: it's all good. Acknowledge the feelings—there's information there, lessons. Trust that the intensity fades and fades, as you keep doing what you're doing. Thank you, this has helped a lot and has given me perspective. I’m actively avoiding alcohol as I know it won’t help. I knew I was in for a rollercoaster ride but was not expecting these random intense waves of sadness and hurt. I’ve never felt like this after a break up, perhaps because I really valued and treasured our relationship, probably more than I have with others. Link to comment
EnglishRose9 Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 I agree with Hollyj. This guy let his parents tell him what to do. He said he had no feelings for you. He didn't see a future with you. He gave you the old "it's not you, it's me" excuse. And then he tried to get you in a FWB situation. You might have been the one that was crazy in love, but it doesn't sound like he ever "felt it." The relationship was all one sided and you were probably ignoring a lot of warning signs. You're grieving over the loss of your relationship, not over the loss of this guy. You need to find a nice guy who deserves your love. I agree with you both too. I logically know the reality and keep focussing on the negatives but that doesn’t stop you being in love with someone. I know in time my heart will catch up with my head. I can’t control these waves of emotion, they literally appear from nowhere. I could be at work completely focussed on the task in hand and suddenly I’ll get a sinking sadness wash over me, temporarily. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 I agree with you both too. I logically know the reality and keep focussing on the negatives but that doesn’t stop you being in love with someone. I know in time my heart will catch up with my head. I can’t control these waves of emotion, they literally appear from nowhere. I could be at work completely focussed on the task in hand and suddenly I’ll get a sinking sadness wash over me, temporarily. That's what happens when you lose someone that has been in your life in an important role and is no longer there. It's the same feeling you get when you're grieving the loss of a loved one through death. Its completely normal and in time, it too shall pass. Maybe try reading "The Five Stages of Grief." It deals with grief through death but it applies to the grief we go through when we break up with someone as well. Feel better soon! Link to comment
Annia Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Was this the guy that had the arranged marriage thing going on or am I confusing users? Anyway yes, it's totally normal. The pain takes time to go away. Keep going with the NC and continue to improve your life. It gets better, I promise, you just need to stick to it. Link to comment
bluecastle Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Thank you, this has helped a lot and has given me perspective. I’m actively avoiding alcohol as I know it won’t help. I knew I was in for a rollercoaster ride but was not expecting these random intense waves of sadness and hurt. I’ve never felt like this after a break up, perhaps because I really valued and treasured our relationship, probably more than I have with others. Avoiding booze is never a bad idea; then again, booze can be nice softener, when enjoyed moderately. I don't say that to encourage you head to the bar—you're own internal radar knows that helps and doesn't—but just to say make sure you're also doing things that are simply fun, light, and take the edge off. That stuff is important, too. Link to comment
Annia Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Yes, alcohol is a depressant drug. Never drink when you're sad... it'll enhance those feelings 3 or 4 times. If not at the moment, after. Link to comment
EnglishRose9 Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 I had a couple the other night when out with friends. I really relaxed and had a great night, until I got home. Felt crazy sad at home, alone and slightly drunk. Cried my eyes out! Hence, avoiding it now. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Do you know what this means? You're a normal feeling caring person. Don't let these normal twinges of heartache break your resolve. I’m doing all the right things I think such as developing my career, spending time with friends and family, picking up hobbies I had neglected, speaking to a therapist once a week, so my life is full of positive stuff. However, I’m still having these awful waves of sadness and the overwhelming urge to unblock and make contact although I haven’t. Link to comment
EnglishRose9 Posted September 26, 2018 Author Share Posted September 26, 2018 Do you know what this means? You're a normal feeling caring person. Don't let these normal twinges of heartache break your resolve. Thank you. I think I care too much. My therapist said he can tell I’m a very sympathic and caring person. Maybe that’s part of the reason why I’m struggling so much. I just seem to be stuck. I am finding joy and fun in life but I’m crying daily now. I don’t know if it’s because NC is becoming difficult or I’m coming to the realisation he’s not coming back Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted September 26, 2018 Share Posted September 26, 2018 Read "The Five Stages of Grief" Get answers for your emotional response and you'll soon be able to overcome. Link to comment
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