I'm a great man, just not the man for her...

This may be long but there is a lot of detail. I met this girl online and we instantly connected and talked for hours on the phone. We made plans to even meet up but she blew me off by her busy work schedule as she was a dementia unit coordinator. Healthcare is a very busy profession, i know, i used to worknin healthcare which is how her and i connected. Anyways after blowing me off she called me later that night to apologize and start playing with herself on the phone to my voice but i was upset and jokingly said i liked the raspiness in hers but she took it personal. I stopped it right there and expressed that i was upset and that we never even met yet but understood too but still no excuse. She claimed to be tired and thought i understood. She then hung upnon me and pushed me away and went ghost on me. I tried to keep in contact with her but i barely got any responses. I was upset but tried to move on and give her space. I heard nothing. So again i tried contacting her and we began talking and getting closer again via text and phone calls. She told me her mom is very upset at her for talking to guys online and that she should shun off men online. This woman also recently lost her job and was super emotional about it. So i would text her good morning and we'd talk regularly and she even began calling and texting me first. Last thursday i expressed i was going out of town in the morning but bored at home. She insisted on inviting me over and gave me her address and apt#. When we finally met we both wowed eachother and she said i was wayyy more handsome than in all my pics. She had loose clothes on and smelt amazing in her perfume. We hugged and held eachother before going up to her apartment. We were very affectionate as we held hands like a couple and we sat on her couch and began talking about her work situation. She had been drinking but not drunk, just buzzed and emotional. We talked and hugged some more and she tried kissing me and dancing with me. Everything was right and the look in her eyes....she had that look. So she took off all her clothes and i pulled down mine and we began doing fore-play and then having sex. During sex she complained about pain and that i was a big boy and so i stopped not feeling comfortable. We then moved into her bedroom and she got into lingerie and we cuddled, talked, made out, caressed eachother all night long. We attempted sex again but again she said it hurt so we stopped. We just kept holding eachother and the whole night she told me she really liked me a lot and was falling for me on how perfect this night was. She also told me that she didn't want that night to end. The next morning we woke up and i had to leave right away to go to my cabin for family time. I said she could come with me but it'd be weird for her cause my family and they didnt know eachother so didnt want her to feel akward. 3 days pass and i dont hear anything from her and i didnt text her either, i was busy. But when i did, i said i was thinking of her and everything she said. she claimed she wasn't feeling this and that she was semi-drunk and couldn't remember what she all said. Also said that she likes me but doesnt see herself falling in love with me but i was a great man. It's like she completely did a 360 and idk why but i feel like she is either scared to fall in love or has another guy. Any advice how to appraoch this situation??

Advice number one: there is a return key on your computer and/or phone. When you press it twice it creates a new paragraph. Like this...

Advice number two: whoa there, buddy—y'all turned the volume all the way up before the party started. Own that and you shall be free!

It's hard to see all the red flags in a noisy room, I know, and we all like a good party. But from the start this whole thing radiated (at best) "hot, weird experience" and (at worst) "weird experience that leaves a sting." Phone sex before actual sex? Hey, cool, but probably not the stuff of future wedding toasts. Phone sex being interrupted by you needing to voice your feelings about being hurt by something you actually, like, totally get? Well, weird. An unknown woman talking online about how her mother doesn't think she should be talking to dudes online? Brain exploding emoji.

So much drama before you met. Drama is fun, I know. I like it too. I also like hot, weird experiences—have plenty in the memory chest—but you got to call them for what they are. A bunch of text messages do not a real connection make, you know? They're a stand-in for connection—the thing, who knows, that maybe her mother sees her daughter doing and is concerned.

Maybe a little bell in your spine was saying this was all kind of peculiar. But that other bell, the one between your legs, rang a little louder. And so you met up and had sex with someone you didn't know. And she did the same. And in the cold light of a sober morning she wasn't really feeling it anymore.

It happens.

Everything was the same in the morning. She only changed up after i left and contacted her 3 days later and then denied everything even though i know she lied because she wasn't that drunk. Maybe it was just a one night but why say all these things to me then back off? And now how do i approach her without being weird?

I also forgot to mention that her and I have been talking on the phone and texting for 3 1/2 months first. And she did specify that the reason why she blew me off was her being cautious.

Everything was the same in the morning. She only changed up after i left and contacted her 3 days later and then denied everything even though i know she lied because she wasn't that drunk.

 

**Maybe it was just a one night but why say all these things to me then back off? And now how do i approach her without being weird?

 

And she did specify that the reason why she blew me off was her being cautious.

Because you waited three days to contact her after first time sex. Too long for such a "cautious" girl like herself. In her mind, and perhaps most women's minds, a man waiting that long to contact after first time sex = red flag.

Just out of curiosity, why did you wait that long? Considering you're so into her, and want to date her.

That said, I would chalk this one up. Frankly it has toxic written all over it, but maybe you're attracted to that?

She knew I was going to a family event where i had no reception. I also had to set up the wifi onto my phone. Once on i seen her online through fb messenger but i waited. I wanted to see if she would say something first. Plus i didn't want to appear clingy or needy.

And so how do i approach her now?

 

Once on i seen her online through fb messenger but i waited. I wanted to see if she would say something first. Plus i didn't want to appear clingy or needy.

Where did you ever learn that contacting a woman the following day after first time sex is needy or clingy? And you were waiting to see if she would contact you first??

Where do you get this stuff? Serious question.

Ugh, stop playing games. As you can see, they often backfire.

. 3 days pass and i dont hear anything from her and i didnt text her either, i was busy.

Yup you needed to drop your busy and contact her the next day telling her you had a wonderful evening and that you would like to take her out to dinner. It would have taken two seconds.

What do you do now -- you accept that she is not interested in you or ask her out on a real date to prove you are not only after sex --- but she may still have the same opinion about you.

She knew I was going to a family event where i had no reception. I also had to set up the wifi onto my phone. Once on i seen her online through fb messenger but i waited. I wanted to see if she would say something first. Plus i didn't want to appear clingy or needy.

As the man in this situation (going over to a woman's house and having sex) - its up to you to contact her. I am not trying to be sexist - women should not sit back either, but in this scenario, you should not have waited. you are not clingy or needy if you make contact. The longer you wait to contact her, the more likely she decides that you "only wanted one thing" . And that is why she told you that you are not the man for her

I truly wasn't trying to play games. I feel awful about this. And ask her out? She already told me how she felt. Like, not love. Which is fine cause it's too soon ya know? And technically i left friday and contacted her monday. So technically speaking it was 2 days.

I truly wasn't trying to play games. I feel awful about this. And ask her out? She already told me how she felt. Like, not love. Which is fine cause it's too soon ya know? And technically i left friday and contacted her monday. So technically speaking it was 2 days.

She doesn't like you yet, either - you only me once. And it does't matter how may days it technically was - you should have called her before the sun went down on that first day. Ok. Don't go on a date. But i offered that suggestions so you don't appear to be a jerk. to not be that guy who came over when she was half drunk and wearing loose clothing and had sex once. No, i don't think this will turn into a relationship

I also think from the get go when this woman was blowing you off to meet you, you should have communicated with other women in the meantime or nexted her before you met. I think that she was not totally excited about you before meeting.

So then should i call her and even attempt?

I missed the three day part. I mean, that’s a no. I feel very vulnerable after I sleep with a woman, and want contact. I suspect she wants the same.

I’d chalk this all up, though. I mean, sure, you can reach out again, say your piece, and maybe that changes things. But she sounds a bit lost, frankly, and maybe that appealed to something lost in you.

People say things. Maybe what they feel on Monday is different from Tuesday. I’m writing this in the house of someone I’m seeing, because she asked me to come over and hang. Maybe tomorrow she tells me it’s all moving too fast and she’s done. That’s the dice roll, not something to dwell on, especially after one night of intimacy.

I’d really advise you to chill with the long online exchanges. Meet up, feel things out, see what’s what.

She is a mess. Dude, raise your expectations in women.

Do you think that she got fired because she is an alcoholic?

I feel really bad about the few days past afterwards. And the thought of her being an alcoholic has crossed my mind. And yeah, she really is a mess so this all can't be me or my fault. But everything that night was amazing. Nothing negative on my end that i know of. That's why i am so lost in all this as well. I can understand if i said the wromg things, had an average , SOMETHING...but everything went good and yet she just...ghosts me.

She ghosted you multiple time. That is a big red flag.

I might have read this if you'd made it into paragraphs.

Allow me to demystify this for a moment.

You met a pretty messed up woman, or a woman in a messy moment, and had pretty hot (if also kind of messy) night in bed. It happens. Been there. And have probably been that messy guy to a woman or two.

Life, you know? It’s a lot easier when you just call it what it is.

Have you heard of "coyote morning"? It's when people back away after a sexual encounter because of being drunk and having regrets. Let her go and get on some dating apps and date local women who you meet in person before there's any sexual exchanges. Don't have sex with drunk women, it could be a legal nightmare for you.

I feel really bad about the few days past afterwards. And the thought of her being an alcoholic has crossed my mind.

Have you heard of "coyote morning"? It's when people back away after a sexual encounter because of being drunk and having regrets. Let her go and get on some dating apps and date local women who you meet in person before there's any sexual exchanges. Don't have sex with drunk women, it could be a legal nightmare for you.

Despite what I posted earlier about waiting three days to contact, I agree with Wiseman.

Girl has toxic written all over her (and not just cause she was drunk); I asked you this earlier but you didn't answer.

What is it about you that finds a girl like this so appealing? To the point of feeling as bad as you do and creating threads about her.

You get off on drama? The challenge? Because she's hot? Do you even know?

Serious question.

Hey, she was horny. You were horny. She just lost her job. She was stressed out and drinking. She needed some company. That's pretty much it. It was basically a one-night stand. I don't know if contacting her the next day would have helped.

But hey, you can always ask her out on a date and try to get to know her if you want.