Newbie

I've been struggling so long now wth my SO. I've been real unhappy living with him and felt I was to blame. I suffer from depression and anxiety. It started about a year into the relationship. I'm undergoing cognitive treatment now. I'm beginning to feel better and control my thoughts and feelings in a more positive way. I've been blaming myself for our problems, but now I feel like a lot of my unhappiness stems from his controlling behavior. Trying to sort it out.

Sorry for your struggles.

There's not a lot of info here—would help to know how old you guys are and how long you've been together.

I am 49. He is 50. We have been together five rough years.

I've been blaming myself for our problems, but now I feel like a lot of my unhappiness stems from his controlling behavior. Trying to sort it out.

If only it were so simple. Sometimes people who have a neurotic personality, they sometimes find people who are assertive and it often takes a toll on them. The thing with controlling people is that the people around them often have to be willing to allow themselves to be controlled.

I would only imagine that these feelings you are having are from much earlier on in your life, maybe an equally controlling parent and this is why you sought out this sort of man to begin with. You are responsible for 100% of your life, no one else. Start taking responsibility for your decisions and when you start to do that, you will realize that you also have the ability to make decisions which allow you to be happy and be in a healthy relationship.

Sorry that things are so rough right now.

You need to be more specific. How is he controlling?

He critisizes me often and complains at me if I try and do most things around the house. Cleaning. Crafting. Gardening. Etc

Have you read up on verbal emotional and mental abuse?

He critisizes me often and complains at me if I try and do most things around the house. Cleaning. Crafting. Gardening. Etc

I'm not sure what the issue is here. He is not the right man for you. Why not just leave, keep working on yourself with your therapist and when you're back to being a confident, independent woman who is happy in her own skin, then and only then, put yourself out there and find a good man who will be your life long companion.

This man is not the man you were meant to spend the rest of your life with. Clearly!

Sounds like emotional abuse. You're exhibiting all the symptoms including blaming yourself. You thought that if you could just do things right everything would be all right. But no matter what you did it was wrong. It's a game you can't win with an abuser. You have to recognize that you were abused and now that you have removed the cause of that from your life, you can move on and go back to the woman you use to be. There's nothing wrong with you. You just fell in with the wrong guy.

Why haven't you left? Why do you continue to put up with it? He is an abuser. He will not change.

Well I hadn't left (yet) HollyJ because I'm just now realizing its not all my fault. That its not me being stupid, or demanding too much. Depression and anxiety can be pretty tricky into making you feel you are always to blame. And You see I'm in a committed relationship, which you don't just pack your bags and move on when things get tough. There are finances, property, and children involved as well.

I am a firm Beleiver that one's whom are closest to you can be controlling without the "normal" look of an abuser. They can be subtle and passive. Sarcastic and jokingly. They don't necessarily have to be physicaly abusive. They use Denial, withdrawal other passive aggressive behavior to control you. Does that make sense??? I came here today because needed some validation from others. And I appreciate all your input. It's been very helpful. Thank you.

Emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse. If this guy is making you feel less than, he is an abuser. Thus is not good for you, or your children.

Time to figure out an exit plan. What does your counselor say?

All the best!