am i in the wrong or is she being selfish?

All this week I have been down as it has been a year since my mums death. I havent been to work and felt I needed to be alone so didnt really talk to anyone. My friend and I had plans to go out this weekend and she text me during the week to see if we were still on. I didnt reply for two days as I didnt want to say yes and just wanted to be alone. When I did reply she gave out saying it wasnt fair on her as she wanted to make plans which I understand and I told her I would honour our plans. I apologised and explained. She said I could have rang or met her and I thanked her and explained that I just didnt feel up to it. I asked her if we could do something else tonight like get food or go to a movie instead of a night out and she replied quiet sharp saying she could do no more than offer to talk and no she was going out with her friends tonight as she needed a night out. I feel like a bad friend but also feel like shes being a bit self-centered as I told her I havent even been able to get out of bed this week. I would like opinions on this please am I in the wrong?

I think that you are being selfish. You could have given her the simple courtesy of telling her that you could not meet up. A text takes a second of your time.

I suggest you get therapy if you are unable to function.

BTW, I have lost a sibling and a father, and so I know what it is like to lose immediate family.

You have been out of bed this week. You went over to that guy's house, the one that you have been dating for about a month. Let's be honest here:

"Have I messed things up? Would really appreciate advice?

I feel awful. I’ve been seeing a guy a like for about 5/6 weeks. We are both late 20s. I went round to his house the other night which started off great but ended terribly as I was in a quiet pensive mood. Reason being it was my mums first anniversary of death this week and I had just been to the hospice where she was to donate money and it triggered memories. He is aware of this. I became so quiet and withdrawn he asked me numerous times what was wrong and it was obvious I had something on my mind. I told him I was ok as I didn’t want to discuss but I was cold to him as I was uninterested in “being intimate”. I apologised before we went to sleep and he said we all have those days. I text him last night to apologise once again and explain so he wouldn’t think it was him but he never replied so now I’m worried I have messed things up and pushed him away. So I’m looking for advice and opinions. Could I have pushed him away by acting like this?"

You were able to text and post about him, yesterday.

I would be really mad if I were her. Also, it is a Saturday night. Really inconsiderate.

Lastly, you do not feel bad, or you would not be trying to make her look like the bad guy.

It's not really cool, even if you're feeling down, it's always nice to get someone a simple heads up like "sorry, not feeling up for it." But at least you apologised. I don't think it's cool of her to let you down if you're going through a rough time, but I can understand where your friends is coming from. Friendship is a two way street and communication is important. You can't expect your friends to read through your mind when you're feeling down if it's not communicated. She probably felt a bit let down when she seemed willing to help, were it for you standing her up. If this the first incident of this kind? Personally, if I had been in her position, I'd be a bit annoyed but I'd let it go and be understanding. Maybe there are some other unresolved issues underlying here between you guys.

I didnt cancel on her though, I said I would meet her like planned I just asked her to do something else like go for dinner or the cinema etc just not a big night out as I wasnt up to it. I understand its saturday and I dont want to be in on a saturday either I just wanted to do something else and she said she needs a night out. And I did tell her on Thursday how I was feeling she knew since sunday how bad I was feeling and upset I was so its not a surprise to her

The exact words I used to her was "can we do something else tonight instead of going drinking please?" so i didnt just ditch her last minute I still wanted to make plans with her and meet her

I agree with the others and you shouldn’t have waited two days to reply. It’s so easy to send a text and inconsiderate of you to behave this way. Please get help so you can work on acting on a more thoughtful way for one thing and stop feeling so bad about yourself which is partly why you’re treating others badly.

All this week I have been down as it has been a year since my mums death. I havent been to work and felt I needed to be alone so didnt really talk to anyone. My friend and I had plans to go out this weekend and she text me during the week to see if we were still on. I didnt reply for two days as I didnt want to say yes and just wanted to be alone. When I did reply she gave out saying it wasnt fair on her as she wanted to make plans which I understand and I told her I would honour our plans. I apologised and explained. She said I could have rang or met her and I thanked her and explained that I just didnt feel up to it. I asked her if we could do something else tonight like get food or go to a movie instead of a night out and she replied quiet sharp saying she could do no more than offer to talk and no she was going out with her friends tonight as she needed a night out. I feel like a bad friend but also feel like shes being a bit self-centered as I told her I havent even been able to get out of bed this week. I would like opinions on this please am I in the wrong?

Have you thought about going to grief counseling, SBM1111? It seems you are not maneuvering the Five Stages of Grief (read the book) well if you couldn't get to work for a week. You're alienating people in your life (a girl friend and the guy you're dating) during your mourning, hopefully talking to a professional grief counselor will help you to cope better.

Losing one's mom is a hard thing to get through so don't be afraid to get help.

am i in the wrong or is she being selfish?

Why are those the only two choices? Blowing off friend's message left her hanging, so she backed herself up with other friends to pursue the night you both had planned. That's not selfish, it's practical.

You are not 'wrong' for your grief, but if you're unable to function, that's serious enough to seek medical or therapeutic help rather than mistreat both your friend and new boyfriend while expecting them to respond well to that.

You can choose to fault friend or to accept the limits she's demonstrated. Meanwhile, decide what measures you are willing to take to get the help you need to navigate this difficult time.

I agree with ThatwasThen. Please seek professional help if possible. Losing immediate family is difficult. You don't need to go through this alone.

Also, do you keep a journal? I find writing improves your mental health and helps you find some clarity. Additionally, I'd check out some good empowering material. Stuff that encourages and strengthens you.