She’s texting again what she’s up to...

So I got the text last Friday, responded lightly, she text again Wednesday, I ignored.

So now tonight she texts again “Can Griffin come over this weekend I’m working all weekend and he missed his doggy friends and he keeps chewing up my shoes”

I think I’ll either ignore her or just lie and say I’m going out of town. I almost don’t even believe her what if she’s going on a trip with her new gf and just wants someone to watch the dog? Why should I help her with anything at this point?

She just won’t go away she wants a hook in...think I’m going to say no and tell her she needs to get a crate to put him in when not at home if she doesn’t want him chewing stuff up.

I'm not sure why you're still communicating with her? No offense, but you can't complain if you're leaving the gate wide open, so to speak, (imo).

Why should I help her with anything at this point?

You shouldn't.

If she has a new GF this is friendzone stuff.

"Please look after the dog for me". I mean, really?

Delete the text and don't respond.

If you must respond, politely suggest she get one of her friends to look after the dog. Do not lie.

I'm not sure why you're still communicating with her? No offense, but you can't complain if you're leaving the gate wide open, so to speak, (imo).

Agree.

"She just wont go away"

Is a flashing sign that you need to block her, unless deep down you enjoy her contact.

A breakup shouldn't just be a cessation of the parts of an interpersonal relationship that the dumper did not like. Breakups are tough decisions and should entail loss of everything, at least everything that can be lost (co-parenting being an exception, obviously).

She misses that you and/or "the doggy friends" were a doggy day care. This is just one of the many consequences of a relationship ending, and she needs to learn how to accept the situation she's in.

Stay strong, tell her no if you must respond. I strongly agree with what RayRay wrote.

Yes I mostly agree I’m just not ready to block her yet...I was the one who broke up with her initially, then tried to get back 2 months later but there were fights ( I know I lost it on her a few times but I’m starting to feel that while the vehemence or manner of my reaction (blowing up and yelling) was poor, my anger was justified and I probably would have had to end things as they were anyways) due to her hanging out with the dominatrix lesbians, but yeah then she reversed it on me...

I’m not sure if I’ll respond but I’m definitely going to say no if I do.

Just acknowledge that what you're doing right now is getting off on a little bit of drama.

The text comes in, the adrenaline flows, the questions swirl, the questions percolate—there's a kind of rush to that. Don't play the high road of being the detached mature one trying to fight off her attempts at keeping the "hooks" in, because that's self-serving. Some part of you isn't ready to remove your hand from the burner, even as it burns.

But now feel that burn for a second. What's it really serving? Nothing, not now. It's not a path to reconciliation or friendship, but just more drama, which just wears you down and will leave you exhausted. No rush in that, no good in that. A burn is a burn is a burn.

Don't lie. Lying in this case just keeps the door open for more drama. Say no, or say nothing.

I can’t disagree with you...as much as I wish it to be, even I can’t imagine reconciliation or even friendship after all that’s played out...yeah the text comes in and it is a rush...I just want so bad for things to have been different...ugh damn this whole thing sucks I truly wish I never met her :(

Deep breaths. It does suck, I know. Been there. Oh, have I been there!

Try to think about it in less romantic and tragic terms. Once the rush fades, what's the true message of the text? The message is that she does not serve you anymore. It's not a myth or a riddle. Don't give it the power of mystery. It's just a lousy fact of life that you're half-refusing to accept.

Those various wishes swirling—of reconciliation, of friendship, of never meeting her: those are just the same message, as well as the lessons of this chapter trying to poke through so you can get too the next. Let go of her and let them in instead. They're pointing you to what you really want, which is the good stuff, the stuff that doesn't burn—or, hey, at least burns at different temperature that is genuinely exciting and not just draining and disappointing.

She's not that, not anymore, but just the vessel.

Just acknowledge that what you're doing right now is getting off on a little bit of drama.

 

The text comes in, the adrenaline flows, the questions swirl, the questions percolate—there's a kind of rush to that. Don't play the high road of being the detached mature one trying to fight off her attempts at keeping the "hooks" in, because that's self-serving. Some part of you isn't ready to remove your hand from the burner, even as it burns.

 

But now feel that burn for a second. What's it really serving? Nothing, not now. It's not a path to reconciliation or friendship, but just more drama, which just wears you down and will leave you exhausted. No rush in that, no good in that. A burn is a burn is a burn.

 

Don't lie. Lying in this case just keeps the door open for more drama. Say no, or say nothing.

Look at bluecastle preaching this evening!

Its all drama and power plays. Not only are you a willing participant but an active participant.

The phrase "she just wont go away" was so false, my eyes almost fell out of their socket I was rolling them so hard. You know full well how to get rid of her, you don't want to.

Anyway, I know youre describing these women as 'dominatrix lesbians' in a derogatory manner because of your hurt feelings, at the end of the day its still derogatory. If theyre bad women theyre bad women, not because of their sexual preference or lifestyle.

OP, when reading your posts/threads it comes across as if you thrive on drama. You seem to enjoy it. If you really want nothing to do with her anymore then you would simply go full NC. End of. But you don't. You seem to hope she makes contact, and when she does, it gives you something to complain about. Want to end it all? Then do so. YOU have control. You know what to do.

Look at bluecastle preaching this evening!

 

Its all drama and power plays. Not only are you a willing participant but an active participant.

 

The phrase "she just wont go away" was so false, my eyes almost fell out of their socket I was rolling them so hard. You know full well how to get rid of her, you don't want to.

 

Anyway, I know youre describing these women as 'dominatrix lesbians' in a derogatory manner because of your hurt feelings, at the end of the day its still derogatory. If theyre bad women theyre bad women, not because of their sexual preference or lifestyle.

Perhaps a poor choice of words I don’t have a problem with lesbians. I keep mentioning it because I can’t believe these girls move in next door and tell my ex that they get money by being dominatrix online and she starts hanging out with them. She tried to tell me it’s all online but i know for a fact now that they both were meeting up with guys to do in person domination sessions, for money, and my ex for a fact knows this...and she brings these people around her kids, who are like 2 and 5.

And I’m sorry but that’s f’ed up first the risk my ex even told me these girls have a website and set up clients on skype etc...some weirdo could track them down, etc I don’t feel I need to go into why it’s a terrible decision.

And as I type this I think I know...this being the case why haven’t I dropped the drama and blocked...

I feel like I love her but I don’t even know...perhaps I am addicted to the drama...and just mistaking fear of the unknown rather than love for the pain I’m in...

Anyways I’m just ignoring the text

I can’t disagree with you...as much as I wish it to be, even I can’t imagine reconciliation or even friendship after all that’s played out...yeah the text comes in and it is a rush...I just want so bad for things to have been different...ugh damn this whole thing sucks I truly wish I never met her :(

Then block her! Why do YOU continue to do this!

I had to give up all interaction with my beautiful poodle (turns 3 today and I still miss him) because my ex would do the same thing. He would ask me to take the dog just so he could in an indirect way tell me about his plans with his new girlfriend (turned wife). Do yourself a favour and cut all ties. It sucks- but it gets the healing process started. I'm out for 15 months now. Still heartbroken, but getting better. He is married. You can do this - take control :)

Looks like the OP is getting his armor ready so he could be the Great Knight and saves the struggling girl again.

Face it OP... If you really didn't want her in your life, she would be easy to ignore. All I see you doing it distracting yourself.

Yeah well that's the thing, I think I do want her back in my life. I broke up with her and while it was not out of nowhere because we were fighting and I was expressing what I was not happy about, i.e. her financial irresponsibility in the face of all the financial help I was giving her (payed her lawyer, co-signed an apt. and was paying most of her rent) when I did pull the trigger i just dumped her over text and then pretty much refused to see her or communicate (although we did have some contact such as when her grandma passed) and I didn't sit her down and talk about what was wrong or offer counseling, etc.

I was just so angry I dropped her and basically left her on her own for 2 months...then we saw each other again but she was doing dumb stuff like hanging out with these girls who do domination sessions both on line, and in person, and she has 2 young kids...obviously these are not quality people to associate with especially when you have 2 young kids and are going through a divorce. So yeah after we did see each other again I was still getting upset with her, mainly over these dominatrixes who she was hanging out with. I guess that should be enough for me to realize she is not the right one for me, but I have done plenty of things wrong in the past myself so I just feel I was too quick to judge and got too angry, but I don't know. I feel like it's common sense you don't bring people like that into you and your children's lives. Like yeah I might go to a strip club on my birthday but I am not trying to date a stripper or invite them to my house. I know most of them are also escorting and on drugs and would probably steal or otherwise take advantage of you the moment they got the chanve. And I feel that goes double for someone who sees no problem with getting money from gratifying perverted guys found online looking to be dominated for money. I'm sorry that's just gross and sad and anyone with a shred of pride would not be content with that as their lifestyle and source of income.

Anyways I just ignored that last text on Friday asking me to watch her dog and now I'm kind of regretting that too, I was still going to say no, but I feel like I should have just sent a polite reply declining and letting her know I hope all is well with her and the kids.

 

Anyways I just ignored that last text on Friday asking me to watch her dog and now I'm kind of regretting that too, I was still going to say no, but I feel like I should have just sent a polite reply declining and letting her know I hope all is well with her and the kids.

Actually if you want her back, ignoring friendzone texts is the best thing you can do.

And telling her the bold thing above just encourages friendzone stuff from her.

At some point you really need to tell her that you'd like to try again, if that is what you really want, but give her some time to miss you first - and for you to clarify within yourself what you really want.

"we were fighting and I was expressing what I was not happy about"

All this drama at the moment is just prolonging the remains of that poor relationship. Some time out and reassessment would be a good thing.

And be prepared for rejection by her if you do raise the subject of getting back together in a few months.

Wow. You dropped her and left her on her own for 2 months.. That sounds like a punishment.

Then you disagree what she is doing with her life by saying she was doing dumb stuff and you didn't like who she was hanging out with.. Are you her father?

And you complain that you were fighting because you didn't like how she was handling her money.. control issues.

Have you read what you wrote and looked at it thru a strangers eyes? It sounds like that you don't want a girlfriend, you want someone you have control over. You are controlling, use punishment, you are judgmental, critical, you belittle, petty, and you don't see this as a problem?

Just who do you think you are? Why don't you put your life in order before trying to controlling someone else life.

Don’t regret ignoring her. Responding would have just kept things going. I know you feel you want things to continue,

I think you know deep down you don’t.

Actually if you want her back, ignoring friendzone texts is the best thing you can do.

 

And telling her the bold thing above just encourages friendzone stuff from her.

 

At some point you really need to tell her that you'd like to try again, if that is what you really want, but give her some time to miss you first - and for you to clarify within yourself what you really want.

 

"we were fighting and I was expressing what I was not happy about"

 

All this drama at the moment is just prolonging the remains of that poor relationship. Some time out and reassessment would be a good thing.

 

And be prepared for rejection by her if you do raise the subject of getting back together in a few months.

Thanks, yes I do agree with you that's why I just figured not responding at all was the best course of action. It's just I am in such a bad place mentally right now I second guess everything I think or do. I have suffered depression in the past but this relationship falling apart has plunged me into the deepest depression in my life, so I do feel I need time off to focus on getting myself back right now. It's just that all the things that used to define myself before we got together, such as working out and playing my drums, I have zero motivation for. I just get home from work and I always feel exhausted and I just want to get in bed and read. I know I am not sleeping well. When I am awake it is next to impossible for me to not think about her and replay everything that happened endlessly. I am trying to compartmentalize things and put them on a shelf but as someone who has never operated like that, it's tough.

I've always dealt with problems but chewing on them and turning them over and over in my mind until I find a solution, but in a case like this where you are dealing with another person and you can never have 100% of the information, it seems you have to let go of thinking anything you do can have any definite impact on the situation or outcome.

Anyways thanks for your reply and insight.

Wow. You dropped her and left her on her own for 2 months.. That sounds like a punishment.

Then you disagree what she is doing with her life by saying she was doing dumb stuff and you didn't like who she was hanging out with.. Are you her father?

And you complain that you were fighting because you didn't like how she was handling her money.. control issues.

 

Have you read what you wrote and looked at it thru a strangers eyes? It sounds like that you don't want a girlfriend, you want someone you have control over. You are controlling, use punishment, you are judgmental, critical, you belittle, petty, and you don't see this as a problem?

 

Just who do you think you are? Why don't you put your life in order before trying to controlling someone else life.

Yes well when I dropped her for those 2 months, she had stayed out all night one night after telling me she was going to come over to my house. She had called me saying she was trying to get some weed from this guy connection of hers to sell to her aunt to make a profit, saying she was doing it to help us with money. I woke up at 4 am that morning and she was not at my house and not answering texts or VM, then her story was they went back to his house to try some different weed he had and he passed out so she just fell asleep on his couch and he didn't have any iphone chargers and her phone was dead.

So I believed her, then maybe 1 week later she was at my house, we have sex, then she is getting ready for work, and wants me to get her lunch. By this time I had made the change to being vegan and I told her I would buy her lunch but I wasn't going to buy animal products but I would be happy to get a bean burrito or salad or something (btw this was because she wanted me to go get it and buy it for her, I was not trying to make her be vegan if she wanted to eat whatever she wanted with her own money I did not object and I was not trying to make her be vegan) . I did not yell or say this like an a$$hole, I was just sticking to my beliefs. She left in a huff, then didn't contact me at all the next day (although I didn't contact her either). The following day she finally text me at like 2 o'clock asking what I was doing, to which I relied that I was washing my truck, and then again she never replies, and finally at 11:30 that night I'm like where the f is she? Second night in a row she is not with me and not texting me where she is, it's BS and I had had it at that point so I text her saying we are done.

Also I gave her $10K for her lawyer, and co-signed her apartment lease, at $1295 monthly rent in July. She did not get a job until late October, and she was waiting on this one job all of July, August, September. I was paying all the rest of her bills besides the $500 she was getting from her ex-husband. I kept telling her to keep putting in applications until this other job came through, and that she had no idea it was ever going to come through. Also she at this point only had her kids every other week. So what the hell was she doing on those weeks where she didn't have her kids?? Nothing I guess-her car was a complete mess. I told her just get any job like at Publix, Walmart, serving somewhere, whatever, and then just quit when the other job comes through, and she fought me on that saying "I'm not going to do that it's dumb" Like why the hell not, Walmart doesn't care they have tens of thousands of employees get a job get a few paychecks and if the other job comes through then just quit.

Also FYI she finally did get the job she was holding out on (working for a high-end makeup and fragrance company) the first day I pick her up from work she made purchases at the mall (meanwhile I am paying the majority of her bills!) Also she eventually got fired from that job for being unable to show up on time. So controlling? I don't know maybe so but I was trying to help her, my god she is basically a single mother and what if something had happened to me, how was she going to take care of herself? I was trying to help her and get her to see that her attitude towards money was going to cause her big problems in life, and it has. How it is labeled controlling when you are trying to be responsible and help someone realize that making enough money to cover rent so your children have a stable place to live is the #1 priority? Not spending money on things like a bi-cycle, halloween plates for your kids, and going to disney parks or chuck-e-cheese every weekend to have fun with the kids when you can't pay rent? What is worse, being bored and not getting new toys and presents all the time, or not having a stable place to live?? Because since I quit helping her with bills she has had to move into 4 different places since March this year...yeah that's great for the kids stability, I'm sure so much better that they got to go to disney a bunch of times and got a bunch of new toys and other stuff that she can't afford.

Never did I tell her who she could hang out with while we were together. I did tell her she should not hang out with the dominatrix girls, and basically it was them or me. Give me a f'ing break these girls are advertising to perverted guys on line, doing skype sessions, and even arranging to meet these guys in person for domination sessions. So yeah you are damn right I told her to stay away from these people, what about the risk involved? Whatever kind of guy is online looking for this kind of thing has a very high chance to be a sexual deviant and possible predator and what if they track these girls down, and what if somehow she gets involved in it and she has 2 young kids, a son 5 and a daughter 2??? This is putting her kids in harm's way and maybe the risk is small but in my mind that is a risk you do not take.

So I never told her who she could spend time with while we were together, I never told her what to wear, I never called her names or put her down, unless you think telling someone that they need to get a job and be financially responsible is a put down, which I don't think it is. I didn't call her dumb, or lazy, or anything. The only thing is I would become angry and agitated when I would get frustrated with her continuing financial screw ups which I see I had reason to be because i was paying most of everything for her.

Still I realize I should not have become angry I should have just stayed calm and stopped paying for things. I didn't want to control her I always thought she was just in a bad situation from her husband bailing on her when she was a stay at home mom and trusted her to get her s**t together and get a job asap, rather than waiting months and months for one job and not even applying to any others, all the while spending money on frivolous and unnecessary things. I told her I wanted a partner and not a dependent. Yes looking back I realize the way I delivered these messages was not right by being angry, but I was trying to help her, I was not trying to hurt her. Again never did I call her a name or call her stupid or lazy or anything.

Don’t regret ignoring her. Responding would have just kept things going. I know you feel you want things to continue,

I think you know deep down you don’t.

Honestly I don't even know what I want anymore. I miss her and the kids like crazy but perhaps it's just emotional dependence. So yes maybe not responding and taking time to get myself back first and reassess is the best thing. Perhaps once I get me back I will realize I don't want her back and deserve better. Who knows but I do know that in my current massively depressed mental state I am incapable of making a rational decision.

Thanks.

Honestly I don't even know what I want anymore. I miss her and the kids like crazy but perhaps it's just emotional dependence. So yes maybe not responding and taking time to get myself back first and reassess is the best thing. Perhaps once I get me back I will realize I don't want her back and deserve better. Who knows but I do know that in my current massively depressed mental state I am incapable of making a rational decision.

 

Thanks.

You don't need this one girl to make you feel good and happy. You can find another one to do that. So perhaps its not her you miss, its the feeling wanted and needed that you miss.

This girl is really bad for you. Why don't you focus on someone that is better for you. Someone stable, independent, confident and knows what she wants and where she is going and drama free.

Yes well when I dropped her for those 2 months, she had stayed out all night one night after telling me she was going to come over to my house. She had called me saying she was trying to get some weed from this guy connection of hers to sell to her aunt to make a profit, saying she was doing it to help us with money. I woke up at 4 am that morning and she was not at my house and not answering texts or VM, then her story was they went back to his house to try some different weed he had and he passed out so she just fell asleep on his couch and he didn't have any iphone chargers and her phone was dead.

 

So I believed her, then maybe 1 week later she was at my house, we have sex, then she is getting ready for work, and wants me to get her lunch. By this time I had made the change to being vegan and I told her I would buy her lunch but I wasn't going to buy animal products but I would be happy to get a bean burrito or salad or something (btw this was because she wanted me to go get it and buy it for her, I was not trying to make her be vegan if she wanted to eat whatever she wanted with her own money I did not object and I was not trying to make her be vegan) . I did not yell or say this like an a$$hole, I was just sticking to my beliefs. She left in a huff, then didn't contact me at all the next day (although I didn't contact her either). The following day she finally text me at like 2 o'clock asking what I was doing, to which I relied that I was washing my truck, and then again she never replies, and finally at 11:30 that night I'm like where the f is she? Second night in a row she is not with me and not texting me where she is, it's BS and I had had it at that point so I text her saying we are done.

 

Also I gave her $10K for her lawyer, and co-signed her apartment lease, at $1295 monthly rent in July. She did not get a job until late October, and she was waiting on this one job all of July, August, September. I was paying all the rest of her bills besides the $500 she was getting from her ex-husband. I kept telling her to keep putting in applications until this other job came through, and that she had no idea it was ever going to come through. Also she at this point only had her kids every other week. So what the hell was she doing on those weeks where she didn't have her kids?? Nothing I guess-her car was a complete mess. I told her just get any job like at Publix, Walmart, serving somewhere, whatever, and then just quit when the other job comes through, and she fought me on that saying "I'm not going to do that it's dumb" Like why the hell not, Walmart doesn't care they have tens of thousands of employees get a job get a few paychecks and if the other job comes through then just quit.

 

Also FYI she finally did get the job she was holding out on (working for a high-end makeup and fragrance company) the first day I pick her up from work she made purchases at the mall (meanwhile I am paying the majority of her bills!) Also she eventually got fired from that job for being unable to show up on time. So controlling? I don't know maybe so but I was trying to help her, my god she is basically a single mother and what if something had happened to me, how was she going to take care of herself? I was trying to help her and get her to see that her attitude towards money was going to cause her big problems in life, and it has. How it is labeled controlling when you are trying to be responsible and help someone realize that making enough money to cover rent so your children have a stable place to live is the #1 priority? Not spending money on things like a bi-cycle, halloween plates for your kids, and going to disney parks or chuck-e-cheese every weekend to have fun with the kids when you can't pay rent? What is worse, being bored and not getting new toys and presents all the time, or not having a stable place to live?? Because since I quit helping her with bills she has had to move into 4 different places since March this year...yeah that's great for the kids stability, I'm sure so much better that they got to go to disney a bunch of times and got a bunch of new toys and other stuff that she can't afford.

 

Never did I tell her who she could hang out with while we were together. I did tell her she should not hang out with the dominatrix girls, and basically it was them or me. Give me a f'ing break these girls are advertising to perverted guys on line, doing skype sessions, and even arranging to meet these guys in person for domination sessions. So yeah you are damn right I told her to stay away from these people, what about the risk involved? Whatever kind of guy is online looking for this kind of thing has a very high chance to be a sexual deviant and possible predator and what if they track these girls down, and what if somehow she gets involved in it and she has 2 young kids, a son 5 and a daughter 2??? This is putting her kids in harm's way and maybe the risk is small but in my mind that is a risk you do not take.

 

So I never told her who she could spend time with while we were together, I never told her what to wear, I never called her names or put her down, unless you think telling someone that they need to get a job and be financially responsible is a put down, which I don't think it is. I didn't call her dumb, or lazy, or anything. The only thing is I would become angry and agitated when I would get frustrated with her continuing financial screw ups which I see I had reason to be because i was paying most of everything for her.

 

Still I realize I should not have become angry I should have just stayed calm and stopped paying for things. I didn't want to control her I always thought she was just in a bad situation from her husband bailing on her when she was a stay at home mom and trusted her to get her s**t together and get a job asap, rather than waiting months and months for one job and not even applying to any others, all the while spending money on frivolous and unnecessary things. I told her I wanted a partner and not a dependent. Yes looking back I realize the way I delivered these messages was not right by being angry, but I was trying to help her, I was not trying to hurt her. Again never did I call her a name or call her stupid or lazy or anything.

So if you are in therapy please do me a favor and print this out and show t to them. I’m dead serious.

The lack of healthy boundaries...

You paid for everything for a grown woman then got angry at her for being irresponsible....

The equivalent would be me giving a kid a giant lolly pop and then yelling at him that he’s gonna get cavities.

You keeping defending this unhealthy behavior.,, it’s not healthy man. You have got quite a bit of baggage to work through.

You’re doing well not responding. Keep it up. You need to be single and work through this.

So if you are in therapy please do me a favor and print this out and show t to them. I’m dead serious.

 

The lack of healthy boundaries...

 

You paid for everything for a grown woman then got angry at her for being irresponsible....

 

The equivalent would be me giving a kid a giant lolly pop and then yelling at him that he’s gonna get cavities.

 

You keeping defending this unhealthy behavior.,, it’s not healthy man. You have got quite a bit of baggage to work through.

 

You’re doing well not responding. Keep it up. You need to be single and work through this.

The difference is you expect a kid to act like a kid...she’s a 32 yo woman with 2 kids why wouldn’t I expect her to get her $hit together? What I should have somehow forseen that she was irresponsible and makes horrid decisions and has terrible decision making and judgment of character?

I loved her and I saw the best in her and I trusted and believed in her. If anything I was generous and trusting to a fault...so unhealthy...if she would have put in at least a half ass effort to do her part for us everything could have been fine.

She’s the unhealthy one here, yeah I guess I could’ve held back but I feel like I loved someone and I took a leap of faith and a gamble and it didn’t pay off...I’m not going to fault myself for that. She put up a good front she seemed to take good care of her kids and was talking about how much she needed a job and she was going to start looking early on...then she just dragged her feet forever and took me and my hard earned money for granted...not sure if it was intentional or i’d shes just selfish and retarded about money and being an adult.

Perhaps I should looked at it like I dodged a bullet and just wash my hands of her and let her lay in the bed she has made hanging out with scummy people and subjecting her children to chaos...she’ll reap a bitter harvest if she keeps on this path because when her children grow up she’ll be the one they blame for their chaotic childhood.

I don’t want that for her though I pray she comes to her senses and gets her together...