51 And No Sex Drive?

My girlfriend (of 5 years) and I recently had a breakup for about 2 weeks in August. We reconciled and have been seeing each other exclusively. Sex was good, but this past weekend, her demeanor with sex seemed like it changed. Like she wasn't into it. She told me that I need to be more emotionally connected to her and she needed to regain that connection. I worked hard on it, and we have had many emotionally deep conversations that she felt good about.

Last night, we had dinner together, and she was very tired. Slept in my lap for 2 hours when we got home. We went to bed and around 4am, I woke up and I started shifting. She asked if I could sleep. I said no and rolled over to hold her. I began caressing her, and then fondling her, while she started to fondle me. After 10 minutes of this, I felt like she wasn't getting into it. I stopped and asked if everything was ok. She said "no, I just can't get in the mood". When the morning came, (being completely honest and transparent, I said "I feel like you don't desire me", she said "I'm very attracted to you, but I don't know what's happening to me. I'll get my hormones checked this week. I'm not sure why I'm not in the mood. I don't like this either". She began to cry, and said "please be patient with me".

This has never been a problem before and I would just like some advice:

I'm thinking at 51 (almost 52), her body is changing?

Maybe the loss of the emotional connection during our breakup is affecting her?

My paranoia, but maybe she was seeing someone during our breakup? (We have never cheated on each other in our 5 years of being together, but in her past marriage 7 years ago, she had affairs).

Am I overthinking this??

She could be going into menopause. I went into menopause a bit early and afterwards have no desire for sex like, ever. Some women remain interested some don’t. Hormones play a big big role in sex.

In fact I am surprised at 51 that she hasn’t had some hormone changes.

And the change in hormones has nothing to do with how much you love your partner or how you are attracted to them . That remains the same . It is the drive to have sex that is diminished .

You've pinpointed all the ingredients at play: hormonal changes, emotional disconnect from the breakup, a simmering paranoia on your end that she no doubt feels and which is no doubt kind of a sexual buzzkill. So now you're in this kind of classic dynamic where you want sex to be soothed and she needs to be a little more soothed before opening up sexually.

Try, hard as it is, to think of this as an exciting moment, a vulnerable moment, a moment to explore each other in a new way, to expand your sexual dynamic rather than think of it as contracting. Talk about it in those terms, rather than in catastrophic, anxiety-driven language like, "I feel like you don't desire me."

Even if that's how you're feeling in the moment, expressing it like that does neither of you any good. It's just adding pressure to a pressurized moment. What she hears is "Desire me NOW in exactly the way your desired me four years ago" and when she can't respond she then feels the same way you do: confused, frustrated, dysfunctional. And around and around you'll keep going.

Sex is fun. And silly. And scary. And hot. It can be a carnal flash that leads to mutual orgasms, and it can be a sweet, nervous sharing of physical space that doesn't even need to involve erections and penetration. BOTH are hot, productive. The more you can expand what it is, the more ways you have of connecting intimately, which is really the source of both of your anxieties.

It took me a bit to start seeing it in those terms myself, especially as a man. But just as stumbling around and exploring a sexual connection with someone early is a blast—a scary, nervy blast—so is reconnecting sexually at various stages in a relationship. But to make space for that fun you need to make space for the anxieties—and, of course, the realities of changing bodies and hormones.

This has nothing to do with her age/libido which is what you are trying to imply, with the thread title. Don't try to have sex with someone who is sleeping/tired because you can't sleep.

All the recent extreme fighting and moving in/moving out and intense turbulence wreaks havoc with any sort of emotional connection she was referring to.

Being coercive and trying to guilt trip her with extraordinarily manipulative remarks is almost as creepy as expecting sex from someone who is sleeping. And wait...your first thought is "she's cheating"?

We went to bed and around 4am, I woke up. I began caressing her. She said "no, I just can't get in the mood".

 

I said "I feel like you don't desire me"...maybe she was seeing someone during our breakup?

Great advice, BlueCastle......but how do I begin to "explore this as an exciting moment, a vulnerable moment, a moment to explore each other in a new way, to expand your sexual dynamic rather than think of it as contracting."

I'm been told by women that i'm not very emotionally connecting (but I'm trying).

Am I overthinking this??

Possibly overthinking. What stands out to me is that this is one weekend. AND 4:00 in the morning. Sometimes people are tired or just not feeling it, but it doesn't mean it will be forever. Plus, there's still healing from the break up, which "just" happened. Emotions and trust take time to heal, and can affect arousal.

Plus, she was tired last night, she could be coming down with something.

This post is silly. She wasn't in the mood at 4 in the morning and you're trying to blame this on menopause? If you were so horny you should have taken care of yourself and let her sleep. Write back when months have gone by without sex. Then you have a problem.

Agree with both of the below posts:

This has nothing to do with her age/libido which is what you are trying to imply, with the thread title. Don't try to have sex with someone who is sleeping/tired because you can't sleep.

 

All the recent extreme fighting and moving in/moving out and intense turbulence wreaks havoc with any sort of emotional connection she was referring to.

 

Being coercive and trying to guilt trip her with extraordinarily manipulative remarks is almost as creepy as expecting sex from someone who is sleeping. And wait...your first thought is "she's cheating"?

This post is silly. She wasn't in the mood at 4 in the morning and you're trying to blame this on menopause? If you were so horny you should have taken care of yourself and let her sleep. Write back when months have gone by without sex. Then you have a problem.

I'm a 56 year-old woman, and it's insulting for you to immediately go to menopause or cheating.

You wake me up at 4 am because you're horny, and you're gonna get smacked.

You're having issues outside the bedroom. You've been together 5 years, yet not married, and you're having relationship issues.

She's already told you what the problem is: she doesn't feel "emotionally connected: to you. Those were her words. Why are you trying to figure it out, instead of just listening to what she's telling you?

Great advice, BlueCastle......but how do I begin to "explore this as an exciting moment, a vulnerable moment, a moment to explore each other in a new way, to expand your sexual dynamic rather than think of it as contracting."

 

I'm been told by women that i'm not very emotionally connecting (but I'm trying).

Right—so this is connected to what others are saying, LHGirl especially.

Deep down you both want the same thing, the same thing we all want—comfort, security, chemistry. A 10 minute collision at 4am might provide that for you, but let's be honest: even then it's a shortcut and a mask, not the real thing that gf (and others) are seeking, which is greater emotional connection. And to try to force it—well, you saw how that goes.

I don't have a prescription. Generally speaking, I think it's always wise to ask more questions. Stay curious. Try to understand this woman who you care about, but who is also a mystery, an individual. Her role in the world is not to make you feel desired. Her role in the world is to be herself, whatever that is at any given moment. Get to know her. Listen. And also accept that you may not like everything you hear, that it may trigger some anxiety, but that's okay. That's where vulnerability is, and intimacy comes from vulnerability.

Thanks for all the advice. :) I guess I'm just wanting our relationship to heal quicker than it should.

You were trying to come on to her while she was sleeping? Would you be ok with someone bothering you while you were trying to sleep? It was 4am for Pete’s sake.

Be confident, talk it out, ask if there is anything you can do to make it more satisfying for her. Does she have a hidden kink or fantasy? Does she need to be wined and dined a little more? Is there something you can do better with your technique? Can you get into better shape?

Agree with both of the below posts:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm a 56 year-old woman, and it's insulting for you to immediately go to menopause or cheating.

 

You wake me up at 4 am because you're horny, and you're gonna get smacked.

 

You're having issues outside the bedroom. You've been together 5 years, yet not married, and you're having relationship issues.

 

She's already told you what the problem is: she doesn't feel "emotionally connected: to you. Those were her words. Why are you trying to figure it out, instead of just listening to what she's telling you?

You said it, sister!

Thanks for all the advice. :) I guess I'm just wanting our relationship to heal quicker than it should.

I think blue castle hit it on the nose. If you want to connect to her, you need to let your guard down more. You need to allow yourself to be vulnerable more often, think about when you play with kids or dogs, they are extremely receptive and open to new experiences and games.

There is a certain sense of willingness in these creatures that allow others to explore and be curious sometimes even aggressive in a playful sense. Once the anxiety and the expectations and the guard comes down, you will find this connection that you both seek.

If anything abstain from initiating sex and see where that goes, if you guys are in a healthy relationship she will eventually reach out in order to get her needs met.

My girlfriend (of 5 years) and I recently had a breakup for about 2 weeks in August.

This is why she feels emotionally disconnected.

Sex was good, but this past weekend, her demeanor with sex seemed like it changed. Like she wasn't into it. She told me that I need to be more emotionally connected to her and she needed to regain that connection.

She had sex with you initially as thats typically what happens, but she is unsure of the relationship and thus having sex with you.

I worked hard on it, and we have had many emotionally deep conversations that she felt good about.

Nice start, but not enough apparently.

Last night, we had dinner together, and she was very tired. Slept in my lap for 2 hours when we got home. We went to bed and around 4am, I woke up and I started shifting. She asked if I could sleep. I said no and rolled over to hold her. I began caressing her, and then fondling her, while she started to fondle me. After 10 minutes of this, I felt like she wasn't getting into it.

She wasnt into it. She was responding in favor for a bit likely as habit or she felt it was expected. Combo of what I typed above and being half asleep.

When the morning came, (being completely honest and transparent, I said "I feel like you don't desire me", she said "I'm very attracted to you, but I don't know what's happening to me. I'll get my hormones checked this week. I'm not sure why I'm not in the mood. I don't like this either". She began to cry, and said "please be patient with me".

Again, she is questioning the entire situation. She doesn't feel secure in the relationship. Her response is an excuse to not have that conversation at that moment. Additionally, you saying that makes it seem like your concerns are about you not her. Will not help the situation.

I'm thinking at 51 (almost 52), her body is changing?

While this could be happening, it is not why you are in this situation.

Maybe the loss of the emotional connection during our breakup is affecting her?

THIS!!!!!

Rebuild the relationship and the sex will come. I cant tell you if it is salvageable. I cant tell you if she has her eye on someone else. I can tell you that you need her to trust and feel connected to you.

I can tell from my own experience as a 50 yr old woman something happens that we have no control over. We want to have that sexual drive that we had in our 20,30,and even 40’s. I went to my gynecologist last week and discussed the issues I was having with arousal and sexual desire. He has put me on hormones replacement and said to give if 3 to 4 weeks. So I’ll see what happens.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly where the disconnect lies. But if she's telling you she needs to feel emotionally connected to you in order to feel a physical desire, you need to pay attention to this.

Let's be totally fair, the hormones might contribute. When you are 20 you don't really need a good reason to have sex.

Your hormones are at their peek and it's sexual release that you are after.

As you mature, you need additional reasons and I can only speak for myself . .without the emotional connection, it's not likely going to happen. And if it did, it wouldn't sustain a relationship itself without it.

You two stumbled once and you making a global statement that she doesn't find you attractive is guilt inducing and not helpful. You stumbled once, you two are reconciling and rebuilding a relationship. Expect these things to happen and be patient.

What was the reason for your split to begin with? Have these issues been dealt with head on and are you working towards a resolution?

Often times couples get back together and go right back into the same dynamic that lead to the break up to begin with. Could this be the issue?

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=554347

You posted a couple weeks ago asking about emotional connections and how they relate to physical ones.

Is this the reason you two broke up?